Archive for 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011 Comments Off
Friday, December 23, 2011 Comments Off
I tried to kill what's inside. I tried. So hard. The demons in my head keep playing with me. Sometimes I can't bear it all. I'm so tired. Please, can I have my solid ground now?
Thursday, December 22, 2011 Comments Off
28 -- 29
Tuesday, December 20, 2011 Comments Off
Freya: (she gives the interviewer, instead of the camera, a watery smile) That's what I love the most about her. She... (looks up at the ceiling of the car and then back at the camera with a huge confident smile) was such an enigmatic beauty.
Freya: (she looks at her fingers, fidgets with her sheer golden blouse and then looks directly at the camera with a sad smile on her lips) "She felt chill on every inch of the surface of her body, it wasn't from the cold, she noted, it was from her utter profound loneliness", it's obviously from the book. I just... the book is perfect. Everything about Erica is.
Sunday, December 18, 2011 Comments Off
Saturday, December 17, 2011 Comments Off
Sunday, December 4, 2011 § 0
Last night I attended an event with my friends, mostly girls, but there were testosterones attended the event too. The event was stacked with pretty people who wore pretty attires that resembled like those in the 60s and early 70s era, when the flare jeans, colorful button-down shirts, gypsy headbands and uncountable beaded-bracelets were the hippest things you could and should wear. Drawn-flowers and drawn-peace-signs were everywhere. Colourful lightnings, finger foods and hot drinks could be found everywhere.The weather was cold but nothing could prevent the smiles that were spreading like cheap perfumes under hot daylight. I watched people around me throwing their heads, swaying their hips, drawing their endless stock of cigarettes and jumping, at the same time the music never stopped playing.
It was then I felt it.
It was when I was in the middle of people, an unrecognizable song was blasting over the speaker, bright light was all around me and some of my friends were unrecognizable, I felt that I was lonely. My head was dizzy with the realization and revelation that I'm in here all alone. But being alone was nothing if you compare it with being lonely. The loneliness feeling was a full blow and with the cold weather, then I did nothing but plant a wide smile and a pair of eyes that twinkle.
And then it was time to slow dance, it made the loneliness intensified. But the kind of loneliness that intensified was only the one that caused by love, by affection, something that you feel when you don't have someone you share your love with, while the first one, it was profound, utter, inevitable feeling that first found in your gut, that caused that pang of void in your heart and soul, it was there, lying in the dark. It was what I felt. It was what I felt all night. It was something that I wish I could avoid. I have always felt that incurable loneliness feeling in the middle of people in an event. Do you sometimes feel that too?
Monday, November 14, 2011 Comments Off
Conflicting emotions, her feelings were always been conflicting emotions. Trapping, succumbing, each other in an endless of continuity. Her smiles were always been connected to the tears that fell from her twinkling infinite eyes. Her angers were always connected to the feeling of shame in her clouded mind.
There was nothing funny about being sad, nor was there something awful about laughing, but there she was, smiling and crying at the same time.
you know how you can sometimes feel you are somewhere else when are you listening to particular song? That you are swept away to a series of non-stop memories in your head. A part of us, specifically our memories, were taken away and engulfed by the song, but we can only get them back when we listen to that song, it is a momentary solution of course, as the entire memories are buried deep inside our head with only the song that could trigger it to surface.
Friday, November 11, 2011 Comments Off
My battered soul is longing to be healed by the elegant hands of a blessed magnanimous soul.
My restless soul is worn out, the once benevolent is now waiting for the time when it's finally turn into a void, a dull nothingness in the middle of my blood-fueled flesh. Like a prey, my soul is sure that there will come time when a crow-like death does it job, to eat every inch and fiber of my soul slowly, bitterly, greedily, achingly until everything is consumed inside the endless depth of the pit of death's body.
On the inside, where noone else can see touch or hear, my body is trying to adjust its function as a roof, as the pillars of my body, my own dying soul, are gradually taken one by one. The depth of my despair can no longer be counted. My body is trying to keep my body inside, to stay stronger than my mortal body, helping me to survive the after life, but my soul, though it may seem ageless, is older than my physical being and is dying to be dead. As of now, my body is taking over the spiritual and mental problems, it tries to function normally without the help of my helpless soul.
"Hopeless." my body says. "Doing all of this is hopeless, taking care of myself and my soul at the same time is hopeless. I may be dying as well."
My soul only smiles, it knows that sooner or later my flesh know that it is dying too.
"I can no longer bear this." says my soul. "You should find someone to fill the broken part of me or I will cease to exist."
"But where?" asks my body, my brain, specifically. "I can't see anyone with an excess of soul."
My soul smiles again. "It doesn't have to be like that, find someone who has a hole in other places except his heart, because the valley of mine is null."
"In order to find someone that can mend me, you must see his soul, not his physical being. See it with me. Until that person comes, I'll try to survive, but be hurry, I can see death lurking in the dark side of the moon."
Tuesday, November 1, 2011 Comments Off
Because the hole in my chest spread even larger everyday, slowly, but surely and there was no way back, as it spread like a malignant disease. I suppose this disease is one of the main problems the modern days have. Modern society, disregards underdeveloped countries, no longer have problems with physical diseases, no longer have problems with poverty, but instead we, as a new generation, developed diseases that no longer in the state of physical problem, but in the state of human mind. We use drugs as a way to escape our problems in our heads, just like human did in hundred years back. Our problems, nowadays, come from our heads, our own state of mind.
Loneliness, bitterness, feeling depressed, anxiety and all similar negative feelings came from, unfortunately, our own minds. We are the one who choose to be sad, the ones who choose to be depressed, we are our own enemy.
In addition to our often pessimistic way of seeing life, there is also what I called the illness of the society, the bitter rumors they spread. The society, who often bears negative view in seeing life, most of the times influence our minds. The society controls our minds. The society decides our decisions. Therefore, the society decides whether or not we are categorized acceptable in their high superiority they called as community. It is hard to accept the truth that the society controls our mind, that we don't have our own voices anymore.
My state of mind is bitter and cold. The state of my heart is devoid of any emotions. It is ugly how a society can turn a person into. How a society can deject a person who tries so hard to be accepted in the said community. That person is not me though, but it can be any of you out there, struggling to be accepted in a society who thinks that it doesn't need you.
There is nothing inside of me. Nothing.
My heart just does not exist.
In seeing other people, I'm an optimist, but in seeing myself, I'm a pessimist.
She giggled and started to walk. "You have an awful small range of vocab today. Bye."
The next day, she woke up with a yawn and dried tears on her cheeks. She quickly brushed her teeth and washed her face. Breakfast was out of the question that day, she wanted some tea instead.
"I need to get out of this town ASAP." she said to her kitchen's wall.
She had to tell a lie yesterday, she wasn't leaving for Paris, she was leaving for the big city, the Big Apple. Her reason was to mislead him, so that he thought that she was living la vida loca,
There was a knock on her door, she quickly ran to the front door and said, "I'll be moving out this weekend, sir."
She opened her door, it wasn't her landlord, it was him.
"What are you doing here?" she asked rudely.
"You are lying!" he shrieked. "You are leaving for New York!"
"So? I'm leaving all the same."
"I'm leaving, end of story. There's no happiness for me in here and I doubt I'll have it no matter where I live."
"Would you just listen?"
"What? You want to mock me? I'm tired. Okay, there I said it, I'm so fucking tired." she admitted.
"No! You are--" he stopped and kissed her.
She pulled back. "The hell was that?"
"I love you."
"Beg your sorry ass' pardon?"
"I. LOVE. YOU."
"Haven't you noticed? Can't you tell?"
"How can I tell when all you've been doing is only teasing me?"
"I've always been there for you!"
"When? Yesterday? That's barely always."
"When they mocked you, I always defended you. Me. I was the guy that help you."
She closed her eyes and gasped. Scenes from her childhood played before her. He was there, he was always there. Sometimes mocking her, but he mocked her to made her better. If she wanted to be true to herself, which she currently was, he also had always been there, in her heart, hovering slightly behind the darkness pit of the void in her head.
She opened her eyes and saw his worried face, she kissed his worry away from his face. "I love you, too." she whispered.
"Don't leave." he pleaded.
"Never." she whispered back.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011 Comments Off
He nodded and sat next to her, "But why are you crying?"
"I'm not!" she exclaimed, but her eyes were stinging, begging to let the tears out.
He turned his head and looked at her right in the eyes, he brushed his thumbs to the corners of her eyes. That moment, tears fell from her eyes. He kept brushing away her tears.
"Don't cry..." he whispered.
She cried even more and instinctively hugged him, buried her head on his chest. He ran his hand to her head and to her half-clothed back, soothing her with the gesture. She cried herself out, tears from her eyes soaked his suit.
"It's okay." he said soothingly.
"It's not okay..." she said back.
"Why?" he asked, his hands were now firmly on her waist.
"I'm not pretty, I'm not anything, I'm not her." she said in between her sobs.
"Who says you are ugly?" he asked.
She laughed bitterly. "Like you don't know."
"Oh... but you are not ugly." he said.
"Noone has ever told me I'm not, it's okay. Don't try to convince me that I am, years of... those things, depending on myself, defending myself, standing on my own... I'm already convinced that I shall never be pretty." she said, pulling back from him. Her make up was still as flawless as it was before, no smudges. Thank God for waterproof mascara!
"How could you even say that? You are pretty. You are beautifull."
She laughed a bitter laugh. "But not as pretty as her, not as beautiful as her, not as mart, as accomplished, or as successful, or even just as nice as her. I know. It's always been like that and I don't think it will change, I'm a nobody, remember? Your friends always say that to me and you know what? I am."
"Are you nuts?"
"Now that's something new." she said with a smile.
"What?" he asked, confused.
"Thought so." she said and stood up.
"What? Where are you going?"
"I'm gonna pack my things, I'm moving out of my flat this weekend. I'm leaving for Paris."
Sunday, October 23, 2011 Comments Off
1. Weird things you do when you are alone?
Talk to my imaginary boyfriend. Yes, dear world, I still have an imaginary friend. This nonexistent person serves as a nonexistent daily diary, sort of where I talk to when people that I usually talk to are missing.
2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
A lot. I'm not saying I changed to become a better person or a much worse person, but I'm saying that I changed. I became an even more complex person who likes complicated things. I had my ups and downs. But mostly, I became a person who is totally grateful for everything, who is completely blessed and protected. I also think that I'm half-independent (is there such thing?)
3. What kind of person attracts you?
They have to understand my quirks and traits and different perspective. They also have to understand my tendency to be alone in the middle of sea of people and my tendency to be weird, sometimes. They also have to understand my moody personality because I like to be happy one minute and the next I can become suicidal. They also have to have stories to tell everyday. I befriend with ladies who are not afraid to speak their minds, who are independent, who are not narcissistic and who don't climb on that social ladders. As for the men, they have to have seriously wide knowledge of every subjects, easy to talk to, real true gentlemen.
4. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
I'm proud to say that I'm single and content with it. God loves me all too much because God doesn't want me to have series of broken hearts that caused by wrong and failed relationships. God loves me all too much that God wants me to be happy alone and independent. It gets lonely sometimes, I know, but perhaps this loneliness will be totally and completely cured by someone someday. Perhaps God knows I'm not ready to have a serious relationship but God knows that I don't need fatal relationships that only led to heart aches. I also think that God wants me to focus on my study so that I can fulfill my dreams. God loves me all too much. I'm blessed.
5. 10 things about you people don't really expect.
I can annoy people if I want to. I can be a totally fierce bitch, if you cross me so watch out. I like songs that people usually don't listen to. I wanted to be a designer (be it architect, interior designer, etc.). I want to have a boutique someday. And my own apartment. Yes, my curly hair is real/natural. I don't have any fashion personality, I can be a goth one day and then be a cheerleader the next. I still have an imaginary friend. I like to dilly-dally things.
6. 10 ways to win your heart.
Desserts, I love desserts. Make a drawing for me. Take me as I am. Listen to my stories intently and respond. Listen to my ramblings. Read my stories. Try to like my taste of music. And try to not be mad if sometimes I can be a straight moody bitch. Respect me. Understand me.
7. A quote you live by.
"Veuillez veiller sur vos reves" which roughly translated as "Don't let your dreams fall asleep". It is a song actually, by John Banzaï and Les Nubians.
8. A Celebrity you share a birthday with.
That's all for today. Can you tell that I'm positively bored?
Monday, October 17, 2011 Comments Off
Tonight was the bachelorette party for her dear older sister and she was the pointed host. She decided the party was themed as scavenger's hunt because they went to one club to another, dancing until their feet hurt. The last place they visited las night was a 24-hours coffee shop and they talked their hearts out while sobering up with some coffee.
It all started with her sister's best friend spotted one of her childhood crush in the coffee shop and they all went frenzy. They talked about their childhood crushes but focused on her sister's love life, like ow fortunate and lucky her sister was for having a guy she always wanted to be with and how great her sister's love life was. She smiled to all of her sister's friends, looking somewhat knowingly and understandingly, when deep down inside her soul she felt sour throbbing ache.
She never had a boyfriend. She was in her early twenties and she never had one while her sister had her first and only boyfriend already had one when she was eight. She had never tasted any love, while her sister always had. She felt sick. She felt unloved.
After she gave away bitter laughs, she cleaned herself up, drank some water and dragged herself to bed.
She woke up after lunch with a bit headache here and there. She straightened herself up and went to the bathroom. When she finished dressing up, she went to her sofa in the living room. She stared at her furnitures and started to think about all of her sister's friends' comments last night.
"Your sister was the Prom Queen, the Homecoming Queen, and lots of other."
"He truly is her soulmate, she wanted him, he wanted her, she loves him, he loves her and now they are marrying each other."
"Hey! Don't talk like I'm not here, but it's true, he's my soulmate."
"Of course you both are soulmate, you finally be with each other legally. I mean... you've been with each other since when? Thirteen? What you both have is far more than love and magic."
She bit her lip. Her head was killing her, not because of physical pain, but her own mind. Her own mind was making her numb, she hated it. She cried again and wanted to scream her lungs out. Everything hurt her then. She wanted to cease to exist. She was by no means ugly, her cousins assured her that, but noone had ever called her pretty either. She was not the smartest girl of the school either, let alone her own age. She felt like she had no personal noticeable trademarks. She was normal noone, she could blend unnoticeable in the middle of the sea of people. Sometimes she used it as advantages, often she didn't think about it, but on occasions, especially right now, she felt like it was the most fucked up thing in the world.
Her sobs began to decrease. Her eyes gained clearer sight. Her throat was sore and there was a sickening feeling inside her nose. She sighed and went to the bathroom to splash some water on her face. She stared at her reflection on the bathroom mirror.
"My only true friend is my own reflection." she whispered.
The next day at her sister's reception, she sat at one of the chairs, watching people happily dancing with each other.
"Are you happy?" came a voice behind her.
No, I said to myself while shaking my head. I was not tired. I was unhappy. I was lonely. I was unhappy, lonely and bitter. I did not care one bit about anything currently. Problems were weighting me, pushing me down to the point of oblivion, making me know nothing but sweet sweet slumber. I was lonely.
Thursday, October 13, 2011 Comments Off
You always been there actually.
People say you are mysterious and weird,
People say you are never here, but in actuality,
you are always here.
They really don't know how much effort you've always put in your life.
Monday, September 26, 2011 Comments Off
You want to break it all down, don't you? You want to tell us everything, every single thing. I wonder if you come to me because you know I've been holding up those pain to like you, because you know I'm strong enough, like you.
You are too tough for your own good, you know?
Some said your soul is hollow, that your soul ache. I understand, trust me I do. Maybe my heart does not ache as much as yours, but I know how it feels like. How your heart aches for something that you want but you can't have. How your heart throbs when come in contact with sadness and grief. A sour feeling.
I know it aches. I know for the past ten years you've been yearning for love. I know you've been wanting to share that nothingness to someone. I know you want to hold on tight to someone who is brave enough and strong enough to bear all of those darkness.
You had been consumed by the darkness. You are the darkness now...
You are empty. Hollow. There is nothing inside you. What you are outside is a shell of something that was once inside. All of the overbearing pain consumed your soul slowly. Each time you got mentally hurt, pieces of your soul got taken away as you try to bear the pain. I know you tried to fight the darkness, I know you tried your best, but I know your best wasn't good enough, so the darkness won. The darkness took away your soul.
But thank God the remembrance of your soul is still there. The remembrance of something that once was is still there. The shell is as nice as you, or perhaps the you that I once knew when I was little. After all, the shell is a part of you. But I know... there is nothing inside that shell.
I know even if you finally release all of those pain to someone, someone who is strong enough, the person you once were is still not there. I really hope you can ease those pain away by telling it to me, some of them, reasons why the darkness love you so much, reasons why the light refused to help you. Just so you know, I understand. Whatever it is, I understand. I understand why you choose to close yourself up, instead of barring yourself to anyone, it's because you thought that nobody would understand, isn't it? It's also because you think no one would care, right? And it's because you think it's easier that way, isn't it? But I understand, I care and I know it's not easy.
You turned to false Gods, you still do. You worship them because you think they can take the hollowness away, but can't you see it's only a temporary solution? Can't you see that your false Gods only gave you more pain and sadness? Can't you see that your false Gods are actually demons?
If only I was old enough. If only I was of your age. If only we were close enough. If only I was tough enough. But I wasn't tough enough back then. I was just like you, only younger and less consumed by the darkness. We mirror each other, but I have solider ground while your ground was quicksand, swallowing you, instead of a solid ground. The help you are getting isn't from the people who want to pull you out, instead of the one who is slowly pushing you in, dragging you deeper to the land beneath. It isn't a rope you are seeing, but it's a stair to down below.
I want to pull you out, but I'm afraid you're too far away to hear me and you are too stubborn to let go. All I can do is only pray you don't go deeper. I know there is someone out there that can pull you out, that can bring you back to stand above the ground. I believe one day you will find that person. If you find that person, hold on tight. Don't let the person go. Because that person is the one who is strong enough to break all of the walls of the shell, that person is lively enough to fill those spaces with their own happiness, that person is kind enough to pull you to the ground. Embrace that person.
But until that person comes, please hold on strong and remember: you are still living and breathing right now because are the only person in this world that is strong enough to bear all of those pain.
Thursday, September 22, 2011 Comments Off
Monday, September 12, 2011 Comments Off
Wednesday, August 24, 2011 Comments Off
When we basked ourselves under the sunlight in the middle of breezy London afternoon?
When we ate fish and chips together on our way to Manchester?
When you insisted to meet the Queen?
When you almost drained all of our savings in every shops?
When we kissed under London Eye?
When we missed our train to Paris?
When you got fascinated by numerous of books in The British Library?
When I kissed your pout after you got soaked because of the unexpected rain?
When you squealed after I bought you a necklace that you wanted?
When I screamed 'I love you' and you screamed back?
Do you remember when we went to England for our honeymoon?
Happy 20th Anniversary,
Monday, August 22, 2011 Comments Off
Anyhow, I found out that all of my lecturers that I've met have the same mind like mine, if not far greater. Thoughts that I've been thinking for a long time are gradually being sorted out by their great minds.
Here are some of the interesting lines:
"Tujuan semua ilmu pengetahuan? Untuk mencari dan menemukan kebenaran."
"Kalau kebenaran menyimpang akan terjadi kehancuran."
"Ilmu harus dipakai untuk kesejahteraan ras manusia."
"Kebenaran datang dari sejarah."
"Bisa tidak sama dengan boleh."
"Hidup ini banyak tawaran bukan pilihan."
"Kata sama, tetapi presepsi dan interpretasi setiap orang berbeda."
"Pikiran beda tetapi pemahaman sama."
"Waktu itu milik Tuhan."
"Kita secara ngga sadar sebenernya dandan untuk orang lain, untuk dilihat oleh orang lain."
"Kelakuan anda dilihat dari struktur sosial."
"Pendidikan Indonesia menyeragamkan pikiran semua orang, jadi ngga ada yang nyeleneh."
I especially agree to the one about Indonesia's education type as I've been agreeing to other negative comments about our education. It's not like I hate my education or dislike it with all my heart, but I feel like most of the subjects that we study of aren't quite necessary, we should study about things that we like personally, and we shouldn't be misled by any other unimportant studies in respect to our choice of subject in college/university. We shouldn't study about things that don't have any good in our future except to fulfill the thirst of our own knowledge. We should broaden our knowledge, not putting them in blocks of the same contents and feeding them to people. Our education curriculum is the opposite of what they have in the developed countries, they study specific things with a great depth, while we study many things but only small parts of them.
Saturday, August 20, 2011 Comments Off
Friday, August 19, 2011 Comments Off
"Ada apa, Sar?" tanyaku, menatapnya dengan penasaran.
Sarah tertawa. Tertawa dengan nikmat dan renyah. Tawanya menggema bukit-bukit. "Nggak ada apa-apa, Ray. Aku bosan." katanya.
Aku hanya mengangguk. "Kita bisa pergi kok kalo lo mau."
Dia menggelengkan kepalanya. "Ga usah, Ray."
Aku terdiam. Tidak mengerti kenapa dia memilih untuk diam disini kalau dia tau dia bosen. "Pindah aja yuk." ajakku.
"Ngga usah ah, enak disini. Adem." sebutnya. Kedua tangannya bergerak-gerak secara acak diatas udara.
Aku menyeringai. "Yaudah, kalo emang itu mau lo. Kedinginan gak?"
"Ngga kok." jawabnya.
Aku mengangguk. "Yaudah kalo lo kedinginan, bilang ya."
Dia mengangguk lucu.
Kami menatap pemandangan dalam diam. Pikiranku kemana-mana, tetapi berporos pada satu tema, pada satu sumber. Pikiranku melanglang buana seperti meteor-meteor yang bertubrukan dengan satu sama lain dari arah yang berbeda meskipun ujung-ujungnya menuju ke tempat yang sama. Pikiranku seperti aliran air di sungai-sungai, berasal dari mata air yang berbeda, tetapi menuju ke tempat yang sama, ke lautan biru lepas. Pikiranku selalu berujung-ujung ke dia. Sarah.
"Kenapa, Rayhan? Kok diem? Lagi mikirin apa?" katanya mengagetkanku.
"Ngga, ngga apa-apa. Lo kedinginan gak?" tanyaku dengan nada yang sedikit memaksa.
Dia tersenyum dan mengangguk. Aku melepaskan jaketku dan memberikan jaketku kepadanya. "Nih, pake aja."
"Makasih. Eh tapi kamu kedinginan gak? Ntar aku make eh kamu yang kedinginan, kan gak lucu." katanya.
Aku mengangguk. "Gak kok, pake aja. Gue kan udah biasa dingin."
Dia menjulurkan lidah. "Sok banget sih kamu. Mentang-mentang sempet tinggal di Aussie."
Aku tertawa ringan. "Nggak, bukan itu maksud gue, cuma kan emang gue sering tinggal di tempat dingin."
"Ih emangnya aku ngga? Aku kan sempet tinggal di Bogor, Rey."
"But that's besides the point, chikadee." kataku.
Dia cemberut. Lucu. "Ih. Rese."
Aku kembali tertawa. "Lo tuh yang rese, masa make jaket aja nggak mau, kalo lo sakit gimana?"
Dia terdiam. "Oh iya."
Aku semakin tertawa. Ketika aku sudah berhenti tertawa, aku tarik dia kepelukanku. "Gimana? Anget?"
Dia tersenyum malu dan mengangguk. Semakin lama aku peluk, semakin ia membenamkan badannya kepelukanku.
"Mau kemana abis ini, Sar?" tanyaku.
"Hmm... makan yuk? Kamu belom makan dari siang ya, Rey?" tanyanya.
"Mau makan dimana?"
Dia terdiam sejenak kemudian berkata, "Di rumah kamu aja yuk, Tante Risti ngga akan marah kan kalo aku nge-grecokin dapurnya?"
Aku tertawa, setelah bertahun-tahun mengenal keluargaku seperti keluarganya sendiri, ia masih malu-malu berada di keluargaku? Lucu. "Nggalah, lagian ngga usah masak juga lo udah ngeberantakin rumah gue."
"Ih jahat!" katanya sambil memukul tanganku dengan ringan.
Aku tertawa kembali. "Abis lo kalo ke rumah gue kayaknya segala macem dikeluarin, kayak anak TK aja."
"Ih tapi kan barang-barang di rumah lo emang seru, Ray." sangkalnya.
Aku tertawa. Lagi. Gampang banget dia membuatku tertawa. "Yaudah, jalan yuk sekarang."
Dia mengangguk kemudian berdiri. "Ayo."
Aku berdiri dan berjalan ke mobil dengannya.
"Gimana apanya?" tanyanya balik, dia terlihat benar-benar bingung.
"Mau gak?" tanyaku.
"Ih, bukannya emang udah?"
"Oh jadi selama ini..."
Dia terdiam. "Maksud kamu? Oh... aku salah ya, maaf deh."
"Nggak, nggak, maksud aku... aku kira... tapi bener kan? Mau kan."
"Iyalah." katanya dengan yakin.
"You sure you want to be my girl?"
"I thought I already am."
Aku tersenyum dan dia tersenyum balik.
Monday, August 15, 2011 Comments Off
Of course he was mysterious.
and mostly silent.
and secretly tough.
had a voice descended from heaven.
and of course played by Alan Rickman.
he's one of my favorite characters and definitely the type of guy I like. you know... mysterious, most of the time silent, likes to read, selfless and a right gentleman. Can someone please find me my own Colonel Brandon?
Thursday, August 11, 2011 Comments Off
"I'd like to remind you all that today is the last day to submit your assignments by e-mail, but friday is the last day if you want to submit it by hardcopies. Yes, my dear students, I accept both, written and typed."he explained, when he spoke that, his eyes darting back and forth from one side of the class to the other.
"Miss Peter." he snapped, of all the names in this class, he picked mine.
"Yes, sir?" I replied.
"Stop daydreaming and meet me after class!" he demanded.
"Yes, sir." I said.
The whole lecture that day was long forgotten the minute he demanded to meet me and I was clearly nervous about what he was about to say. At the end of the lesson, I waited until the last fellow student went outside the room and walked up to him. He was sitting and clearing his desk for unnecessary things, I stayed silent until he finished.
"Ruby..." he said my name softly.
"Cut the 'sir' bullshit." he whispered.
"What is it, Mark?" I asked.
He finally looked up at me, his hands were clasped in front of his face and his face looked defeated. "What's up with you today?"
I gave him a smile, a shy smile. "Nothing, Mark, just a bit distracted today."
"I know... I noticed. Your sister asked me to look after you in here, but I can't do it if you don't open up to me." he sighed.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
He motioned me to sit next to him. "Share with me. Please?"
My eyes looked at everywhere but him, I was afraid he would judge me. "I... guess... um... I want to... well... I'm in love."
I could feel his eyes bore into me, his body went rigid. "Who?" he asked.
I looked at him questioningly, "Why are you asking?"
"I just want to know..." he said, his tone went softer.
"Why? Why do you want to know?" I asked.
"Just cause..." he answered.
"Because you want to be another protective sibling, is that it?" I asked. I was angry. I couldn't believe my sister's childhood friend would be as protective as a real brother, who was he? If I wanted to date someone, I shouldn't ask him for permission, right? How dare he?
"No, of course not!"
"Then why is it?"
"Because my dear lovely sister, the one you've been in love with since God knows when, asked you?" I yelled. I shouldn't be yelling at my own teacher, but he had crossed the line.
"No!" he yelled back.
"Then why? You want to be my over-protective future brother-in-law, isn't it?" I yelled again. "Because you want to gain trust from my sister, huh? I don't want to answer any of your questions anymore unless it has something to do with your lecture. Good day, sir."
Before I could stand, his hand gripped my wrist. "Just tell me who the fuck he is!" he demanded.
I gaped at him and pulled my wrist back to my side. "That, sir, is none of your concern."
"It is, goddamn it." he screamed.
"Why?" I hissed.
"I can't tell you!"
"Then neither can I." I replied coldly.
He sighed. "Answer for an answer?"
A few moments went by as I considered his offer. "Yes. We'll go together."
He nodded and we counted together.
"Because I love you." "That guy is you."
Tuesday, August 9, 2011 Comments Off
and everything that revolves around it.
I've always attracted to people who prefer being silent or taciturn. Definitely mysterious and no cheap talks. Someone I could argue with from time to time, about the simplest, most unimportant things, the kind of arguments that would last only for awhile, arguments about things that shouldn't be argue about, like "what kind of ice creams we should be having after dinner", or, taken from one of my favorite movies, "whether the pyramids were majestic or magnificent". Someone who I can share everything with and make no judgements whatsoever about it, only smile thoughtfully and laugh occasionally. Someone who can soothes me, can chase away the demons in my head and ease away both physical and mental. I don't need Mr. Perfect, nor do I need Prince Charming... only normal people with abnormal gifts, like... knowing if my smiles today are genuine or fake or the mix of it, hugging me when he knows I need it, sending me chocolates when I feel like the whole world is ending, bringing me foods when I don't even know I want it, giving me pecks on my forehead when I feel like I'm the ugliest person in the world... simple little things, I know, but it means the most. Don't get me wrong, I do want those candlelight dinners, but just not everyday, I want simple blessings daily, not some giant givings annually.
I know those things I'm talking about are delusional thoughts, but I'm willing to wait, not wait for him, mind you, but wait for the chance, fate, destiny to meet him and fight for him. I know I should get real, face the fact that the kind of guy like that is hardly exist nowadays.
People told me, some implicitly and the others unexpectedly explicit, that I am special. That I don't have to go through all of those unworthy relationships and I would find that special someone to be married with. That brief relationships aren't for me. Of course it's all true. I don't want brief, unworthy, short-lived relationships. I won't last any of those probably. I don't want too serious relationships, God knows I am not really ready for that kind of relationships, but I don't want some childish relationships either.
I still not know yet what kind of guy that I would marry. I know what they are supposed to do--and perhaps what I supposed to do--, but I don't know what they would look like. I know he has to have the same faith and religion with me, I know he has to be responsible, I know he has to be more mature than me, but those are personalities and qualifications, aren't those?
Rules And Regulations.
Seeing many crazy relationships and many damaged marriages making me insane myself. I know marriage is not only based on love and mutual attraction, but it also based on everything else, such as commitments to one another (in whichever kind there is), offsprings' genetic material, faith with each other, bearing responsibilities with each other, and others... something logical but based on feelings.
I know I'm too young for talking about marriage, but these kinds are the kinds I've been observing for the past seventeen years. I want a relationship that would stand still no matter how strong the hurricanes strike through it, that would stay as it is (if not become greater), not crumbling into pieces or falling apart.
Naïve I know, but can't I hope? I've watched too many falls, I don't want any of them, I don't.
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