Archive for March 2013

Homebound

Wednesday, March 27, 2013 Comments Off

Last night, I found myself in a weirdly satisfying conversation with one of my uncles. I've known him  (thus engaged and exchanged informations with him) for all my life, but I have always forgotten the fact that he had once lived abroad for studying his major.

It all started with my visit to my grandmother's house next door to ask for his help. For the first few minutes, we talked about topics that were usual for conversation starters; the weather, my trip with friends, his son, etc. Then my grandmother asked me about my education lately and of course, being a grandmother, she couldn't help but asked about my nonexistent love life. And of course, I answered truthfully: I am focusing on my studies and my goals, so that in the near future I can finally move myself away.

Of course, my grandmother could not see the same way with me since earlier today I was informed by my uncle that she was definitely objected against the idea of me leaving this country without getting married first. It was perhaps because of her upbringings when she was little, her old-fashioned beliefs and her history that caused her to think that all girls would not able to compute in the future unless they got married. I didn't really oppose her because I knew that she only wanted the best for me, but I was not thinking exactly the same with her-- in fact I thought completely different from her and my love life (or lack thereof) supported the idea of leaving this country altogether, since currently I don't have anything that binds me here. Obviously, she still thought it as a horrible idea and wanted me to get married first.

However, it was then my real conversation with my uncle started; he told me about his past experiences living abroad and interacting with the natives. And everything that he informed me about his life confirmed me that my thirst for being some other place but here was natural for some people who had actually experienced the life and the true nature of how those foreigners live in their natural habitat; their kindness, their respect towards each other, their professionalism, their humbleness and overall the way they communicate with others. Those things are what I crave for. I don't crave for living in the misinterpreted way of "free-living" or "liberal" since more often than not, people around me mistake the term "freedom" with "living the way I choose to live without having to think about the repercussions".

And if some people (currently namely my grandmother) still think that my answer about needing to feel the contentment of my soul is not good enough, here is another answer: they are just ideas. My plans for my future. So if God deems that it is the best plan for me, then I would fulfill my dreams without having to think about what would happen if I don't have someone who court me by the time I am 25. If not, then I would lead my life another way, with or without someone there by my side. Perhaps for some people, things like these are too cruel or too modern-age for them to swallow, but in all honesty, if I hadn't been this way, I would not find happiness in the near future or even know what I want for myself.

This is what I've been trying to tell some people who has not been always so supportive about the thought of me in some foreign place: I am aiming for peace of mind, not for that some shallow-minded people call life by doing extreme things, and it may seemed bizarre, but I do know what I want and I want to be content living life the way it supposed to be according to me. I want happiness in the most profound term there is: to feel utterly at peace with myself and with those that surround me. It may seem  ideological for me, but it is what I always feel when I live here and I am not afraid to pursue it if I got the chance to.

Love seems so ethereal right now, but if it isn't my time then why should I force myself (and of course my hypothetical counterpart) to a relationship that won't satisfy my hunger but instead got me in a period that's a lot worse?

And since I finally got a support from an uncle whose opinions are highly regarded and remarked then perhaps this is one of the stages where my parents should finally realize that no matter how pleased I am in this place, living this precise life, I still need to give myself a chance to be happy.
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