Archive for July 2013

Black Tea.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013 Comments Off

"So, how is it?" my sister asked without preamble.
My fingers traced the edge of my teacup (two slices of lemon, black tea). I smiled, "It's been what it should feels like. It feels like what it's supposed to feel. It feels real, surprisingly normal, unpredictable, fulfilling and yet it also feels like it is the best part of me."
She took a deep breath, raising her own teacup (one block of sugar, black tea) and slowly drinking its content. "Well, honey, tell me more."
I sipped my tea, savouring the taste for a moment before answering, "He is perfect. I mean, not in the way that a perfect human, but a right individual that comes in the right time and stays in the right place. He is what I've been expecting and what I haven't been expecting. He knows about my past, not enough to make him think that I am still the person who I used to be, but enough to never judge my action because he knows what I've gone through. He knows who I am, who I was, but he keeps on supporting me to be what I need to be in the future with him by my side. Being with him feels like how it should feel, or perhaps how I've always imagined how it feels-- and more. It feels natural just to exist with him, it feels like something I have long lost and now I come across again. I don't know if the concept 'soul mates' applies in here, but we flow together perfectly, harmoniously. I don't really need to hesitate to ask or relay my thoughts because I know without a doubt that he will always listen to my thoughts and know the ways inside my head. It feels right because I feel like where I am right now, where we are right now, is the right place to be. This is what they always write about in love stories, isn't it? This is what everyone has always talked about."


Monday, July 22, 2013 Comments Off

Imagine a house.

Beautiful, for your eyes only. Furnished, with the kinds that you've always liked. Comes with a backyard that just the same to what you've always wanted it to be; be it large enough to be called as a small park or only enough to put a small jacuzzi, or perhaps none at all. You pick it, and it appears.
Imagine having it painted in colours you prefer; black, orange, teal, magenta, ruby, cyan or even leave it bare with the colour of bricks. Imagine having a room that is filled with all of your needs: infinite supply of books, cheese, tea, linens, crayons, hats, and everything that you think it might need. Imagine making food there on the kitchen that will always be clean when you enter it, a kitchen that is stocked with food. Imagine sleeping in your room; the one where you can stargaze, perhaps, or the one that only has a large bed (big enough for four) with soft comforters and uncountable plush pillows. Imagine hanging one of your favorite coats on the hanger near the front door--or better yet inside a closet. Imagine living there for a few years, integrating well with your own house, having a predictable routine that would never bore you out, resting gently without remorse, and being yourself after fighting hard battles outdoor.

Imagine, one day, coming home without anything inside. Without your trusty afghan, well-stocked fridge or any other comfort that brings you peace. Without any traces of you, of anything that had been there.

That's how it feels like when you left me: thousands of memories we've gathered (making each other's hearts as our own home) are gone, leaving me a shell of who I used to be. Me without me with you. Me without us. Me without you. Just me.


Sunday, July 21, 2013 Comments Off

I feel like I am missing out on something in life. Some unknown thrills that few had the misfortunes or the fortunes of having, depending on which they prefer. I don't know what, but I know that this certain thing must have been what make people can feel agony and joy at the same time; for I only know one thing at the time.

I don't know how long I can keep myself from crying after too many forced laughters.

And the saddest part of everything is, I could never know what cause me to feel this negative. Or at times, not feel anything at all.

Modern Cinderella

Monday, July 15, 2013 Comments Off

My friends and I got together last weekend for a private farewell that we held for one of our dearest that was leaving for her course abroad. We talked about the past and pretended that time had not flown by, changing everyone that ran over its course. We tried to recreate the past by pretending everything was still the same, jokingly suggesting that some still had feelings for each other, making no reference whatsoever about what would happen and what we would do about it in the future, rambling about and making fun of some of us.

It was probably a subconscious design by loads of us, controlling the situation in order to be the same so that whatever lies upon us in the near future could not bother us for awhile; creating a place that did not regard time or place, denying the inevitable. Forming the circumstance to ignore or decline what we were going through in the next chapter of our lives. For awhile, we were invincible, we were once again high school kids with no worry about anything or anyone; we didn't worry about hurting people or each other, we didn't even worry about the taunts we told each other because we endured them in order to pretend that everything was not in the past, that we were still going through the motion.

But, like modern Cinderella, it all faded away at Midnight with the sound of car engines and clock chimes, leaving us in a dazzling limbo state where we couldn't decide whether to continue pretending or to live in the now while facing the world at the same time. However, we couldn't keep on staying in the hazy timeless state, because family came on knocking, present caught up with us to tell the future was right around the corner, and the partners of some of us demanded to be contacted.

We had to leave it, not to forget the past or to disregard each other, but because we must continue on living with the comforting thoughts that we would always be there for each other to be whatever we need them to be, as a sacred changeless expanse where we could be what we used to be, as an anchor of the present's demons or a home to come back to from future's insanity.

So cheers, my heart, for continue on staying right next to me and does not judge me during my worst. Enjoy the journey and don't hurry. Godspeed, my loves.


Wednesday, July 10, 2013 Comments Off

Do you believe in astrology and the world they offer? Some makeup truths and makeup lies that people tell to your face in order for you to believe in the existence of such things. But sometimes, when the calculations are correct to the minuscule details, you can't help yourself but get amazed by them.

I am one of those types. I read astrology for fun and for gaining extra (sometimes unnecessary details) about me that some people in Morocco could even predict without even seeing me or meeting me in the first place (like for example: she will embark on a journey of a lifetime this year but be cautious, she wil also find obstacles on her path; aren't every journey has their own obstacles and they are what make them called journeys.) But there are some of the times when I am intrigued enough because they can perfectly described me. Like right now.

A dear friend of mind just showed her a brief analysis of herself through IM. And from what I've concluded, the analysis described her perfectly; who she is, what she is struggling, what her ideals are and what she should do. All about her in small paragraphs. It's amazing how few paragraphs can actually define or conclude the complexity of a human beings and their thoughts, isn't it?

When ideas are written by certain people (or poorly gathered from certain websites that often oversimplify/exaggerate human thoughts and ideas) sometimes it gets misplaced or misunderstood, but there are times when we can actually come across to things that are purposefully written and can be easily captured by us. And the website chooses to write it dynamically without loosing its ideas.

Conclusively, about my report and analysis of my life, it shows me that I am homebound and a communicative person. I can adress some ideas (mainly mine) easily to people and I am often regarded as someone with big opinions, plus I also like to relay my ideas to people and would be very content when they understand about what I am trying to tell people. However, in current situations, none of these can be seen. All of the people that I love (whose opinions I highly think of) cannot actually grasp what it is that I've been talking about, some of them even repress my ideas and think of it as nothing but some young woman's insane ideas. They judge me for it and for my hardheadedness about certain points. And they make me question about the concept of home, and make me question about my questioning of home. It kinds of go into a vicious cycle after that.

Sometimes, I question my sanity (or lack thereof). I am so keen on finding my own home, creating my own happiness and searching the globe for both of them because deep down I know that none of these people in here who criticise my ideas actually acknowledge of what I call home and why I am this person. I think they are just repressing the unknown, something natural, like the mother Earth itself. I can say that I respect them for having their own opinions, but I can't respect them for repressing mine or even belittle them. I am not saying all of them repress or belittle me, but I can't actually say that the majority of them understand or at least support me.

It is all what we long for isn't it? To be understood fully by someone (or if you are a typical loner like yours truly, something) that you can call him/it your home.


Tuesday, July 9, 2013 Comments Off

I need the love. I cannot be the one to blame right?
I need her skin, laid upon mine. Silky or dry. Day or night. (Preferably all day and all night).
I need her presence. Warily (and sometimes awkwardly) orbiting around my own.
I need her thoughts. Bumping furiously or warmly around my own during tv shows, theatres, or even meal.
I need her smiles. Catlike or tentative with a blush, perhaps at times transitions between both.
I need her calming hugs. All the time. Intimate, soothing, loving, or the combinations.
I need to watch her emotions play across her features. Dancing almost erotically since they tempt me to whisk her away from reality.
I need to be with her. Physically, mentally, emotionally. In order for me to stay together.

I want his thoughts.
I want his desires.
I want to be his thoughts.
I want to hold on a power on him.
 I want to feel his arms around me, comforting me.
I want him to want me.
I want him to want me, not just because he needs me, but because of who I am.
Not because for who I am for him.
I want him to love me, as much as I love him.
I want to be someone's ends, not just his means.
This is why I leave everything behind. To get myself together because apparently 
he is the one that cause me to fall apart.
V. R.
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