Archive for March 2011

Glad And Bad

Saturday, March 26, 2011 Comments Off

God shows us weird choices and paths that lead to even weirder destiny. does that make sense to you? if it isn't, I'm sorry. it's just astonishing how perplexed things are and complex. very complex. I know if it's easier or less complicated, life would be downright boring and dull. it's fun, I guess, at some points when you don't need to think well, it's great to have people's fate crossovers with yours. but right now... I feel like I better feel numb than wandering around the whole world with people's life paths connected to mine. I can't get over the fact that this world is just so small that you can connect yourself to someone famous as easy as you flip your hand. and how people around you can have similarities with people that they don't even know exist.

I keep turning on and off my phone for no specific reason. maybe I'm looking for a reason why I still turning on my phone & turning on the phone service. I still wondering why I'm counting on this gadget. it's just unusual of me. I keep listening to songs that I don't know what they mean but feel right in my ears. I'm turning into someone I don't know. I eat less everyday and after I ate, I always felt nausea. I sleep less and restless every night. my eyes look like they need to rest for an eternity, but I can't. I'm turning into someone I don't understand. it's very unusual for me. I don't know if this is the hormones that are running through my body that are talking but I feel this way currently.
hold that thought. I don't feel anything today. happy. sad. or maybe it's just glad and bad. please take me home.



Friday, March 25, 2011 Comments Off

I was surprised last night by how some things stay in a total constant state and still going to be like that in many years ahead. I couldn't rest last night, so I got my mind occupied with things that aren't quite necessary or even looked like those were slightly bit more important than my upcoming exams. those  thoughts weren't. they were things that I caught running in circle motion everytime I got a chance to rest. and last night was some sort of a realization, a small rock thrown up to my head, a voice ringing right inside my brain, whispered things that made me feel like I bounced back into reality.

I thought of how things would never change and they never did since many years ago. like some pinpoint of substances in life. they just shaking thoroughly, they, however, did not change. I realized that when I was listening to one of the songs that helped me moved on with my life back when I was in 9th grade. the music still felt the same, still had that hint of feeling I had toward ----, it still tasted the same, the sometimes pitched notes, the extra details of the vocalists (like grunts or unconscious inhales)... they're still there. they don't move a bit, the lyrics didn't feel different, that feeling you get when you close your eyes and you get to see the moments in front of you didn't change. they were still the same. they really amazed me. I like to have something that I could count on and music is one of those things. you still would have a total music euphoria three solid years ago with someone that you really loved and still feel the same right now even though you both are separated. it's the absolute constant thing, music is. although you can found things that you didn't notice before in the song, like... the lyrics aren't like what you always thought they were.

oh but how fragrance can be so static too. how those small complex compounds that you learn in chemistry class would bond together in such way that made them very hard to stay away to. fragrance, though, with a little mix with wrong substance, would change into something entirely different. it isn't as constant and as static as music, but fragrance still brought me sense of surprise that they made me feel like I was in a specific moment long time ago; like the smell of my cousin's perfume remind me of our trip together from Bandung to Jakarta and the smell of my friends' house hasn't changed since the last decade and the smell of Bandung's cold morning.

I still can recall the moments I made when the songs were blasting through the speakers, I still can tell what I did when I smell Baskin Robbins' Jamoca Almond Fudge came in contact with my cousin's perfume. it's all recallable. I still can feel the shift movements of the trees when I hear a certain song. I'm really grateful of how God made things so complicated and cannot be changed for a reason or more. it's only God's act so make us feel like those are our own time machines.

till another post.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011 Comments Off

would you believe me if I say I don't want to be here any longer? that my whole physical body is in here, but my psychological and my mind aren't? and that the whole time people explaining things to me, only the selected few that are still in my mind? those unrelated-to-what-we-are-going-to-do-in-our-lives studies only stay in my mind when they are needed, like exams or quizzes, other than that, the only thing that's going on in my mind is how to survive and occasional thinking and digesting informations, other than that... it's nothing, like space of vacuum. but there's this hovering feeling in my head, that feel like I'm not supposed to be here.

I don't want to be here any longer and I know I'm not supposed to be here. that my existence in here is just a mere mistake, a small honest mistake. maybe I'm an old soul that got trapped in a young woman's body or maybe I'm preserving this body until the real soul that owns this body come. because as this body grow older, I feel more and more uncomfortable and there's this feeling in the edge of my mind that this is not the place where I meant to have a life, that this place only a temporary post, temporary location. I do not know if this is only feeling that you're meant to have when you're growing up, but most of my friends don't confronted the same feelings that I have right now. growing up is confusing.

currently, I can't decide on my priorities. I'm supposed to be studying right now, but I'm in front of my computer. the reason why I can't decide on my priorities? it is because I'm nobody's priorities



Wednesday, March 2, 2011 Comments Off

"Menurutmu? Mengapa aku begini? Seperti daun yang terbang ketika ada angin datang dan diam ketika angin menghilang?"
"Aku tidak tahu. Aku tidak tahu."
"Menurutmu? Mengapa aku begini? Seperti seorang anjing pengendus yang tidak memiliki hidung yang berfungsi normal, memiliki mata tetapi kehilangan satu-satunya indera yang bekerja dengan baik?"
"Aku mengerti. Aku mengerti."
"Oh ya? Seperti seorang ibu mengerti anaknya yang sedang melahirkan?"
"Tidak. Tidak seperti itu."
"Jadi? Maksudmu?"
"Aku mengerti kamu, bukan mengerti penderitaanmu."
"Bagaimana kamu mengerti aku ketika aku tidak mengerti diriku sendiri? Bagaimana seseorang mencintai orang yang lain ketika orang tersebut tidak mencintai dirimu sendiri?"
"Aku mengenalmu. Aku kenal seorang Lucinda. Lucinda-ku."
"Aku bukan Lucinda yang kamu kenal. Lucinda yang itu adalah kepribadianku yang lain, Lucinda yang itu adalah seseorang yang datang ketika aku tidak ingin dikenal oleh orang lain. Aku yang sekarang tidak bernama, tidak memiliki pembeda. Aku adalah aku. Kepribadianku berubah-ubah. Lucinda hanyalah karakter yang aku buat."
"Lalu selama ini siapa yang aku kenal?"
"Kamu tidak kenal siapa-siapa."
"Mengapa bisa begitu?"
"Menurutmu? Selama ini Lucinda selalu berperan, padahal dia bukan siapa-siapa, dia tidak berkarakter. Dia hanyalah seseorang yang aku jadikan perisai, dia tidak memiliki karakter apapun, aku menjadikan dia apapun yang aku inginkan. Selama ini kamu mencintai seseorang yang tidak ada."
"Jadi kamu siapa?"
"Aku adalah angin. Aku adalah sinar dipagi hari. Aku adalah malam gelap tanpa bintang. Aku adalah ikan di laut. Aku adalah wangi kayu dipagi hari. Aku adalah kabut di gunung. Aku adalah pasir di pantai. Aku adalah aku, dan kamu tidak bisa beritahu siapa aku harus menjadi."
"Apakah kamu akan pergi dan meninggalkanku?"
"Tanya kepada dirimu sendiri, apakah aku pernah disini?"

How Truth Changes Shape

Tuesday, March 1, 2011 Comments Off

maybe it is because people hurt me too much and for numerous of times with each time got more intense, so when I got hurt, I put thicker walls around me to protect me if there's a sudden attack from the outside world, like those fort blankets you used to built when you were kid, it was a place where you felt so safe, the only place, although these walls are thicker and tougher and hard to break. I cried today. it was the first time I cried in front of people, in public, the first time I felt so small and tired and thin... and most of all... fragile. I always feel so tough, you know. tougher than any of the girls that I know and I think I still do, it was the only weakest point that I let people see. I cried on the inside you see... meaning that I cried, but I do it when I'm alone.

I feel so xxxxxxx and tired. you would say that I brag too much or just so fvcking ungrateful, but really... I do feel that way. I mean how can you feel grateful when you had opened your veil and told the whole world your pain and showed the whole world the weakest point of you, and still the world doesn't even see you with the corners of their eyes. it's like they just don't care. any bit. not even a single bit. single pixel-looking bit. no no no, the whole world chose to close their eyes and open them when they need it. the whole world still thinks that I'm not even in their goddamnTop Ten Priorities list. I'm tired. take me home now.

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