Archive for May 2011

t r u s t

Monday, May 30, 2011 Comments Off

this is a topic I've been wanting to write about in this blog since quite a while, and because a person who would like to remain anonymous thinks that I have a trust issue, also because I watched So I Married An Axe Murderer earlier today, so I conclude today would be the day I finally write about  t r u s t.

personally, I think trust means when you believe in someone (or, in some cases, something) entirely. purely. a basic form of belief. something or someone that you could depend on solely with your mind, heart and soul. firm reliance on a subject that would lead you to another form that logic could reject. trust is something that you gain from someone and offer to someone, it cannot be bargained. trust is something primal and instinctive.
maybe it's because I was raised differently and I encountered twist of events that made me this way, I don't trust people easily or rather, I have levels of trust that I give away to people. for example, I trust my biology teacher to teach me about digestive system, but I don't trust him to teach me German; I trust my driver to drive me to places but I don't trust him to teach me how to create an element like Tony Stark; I trust my parents and my brother basically on everything; I trust a taxi driver to drive me around in Jakarta, but I don't trust him to drive a plane and move me to Sweden. those are basic, simple and logical. trust is basic, simple and logical. something that's right in your head, based on reality and you believe in the reality they presented to you, is another form of trust.

unknowingly, everyday we give our trust to people around us. we give them away to shop assistants, to seller, to random people in the street, to our maids, to our driver, to newscaster, to reporters, to journalists, to chefs, to cleaning ladies, to the police, to the law and even to the government. we give the parts of us everyday without realizing our act of trust to those people. those parts are the primal, basic, instinctive part that have always been there since the first human ever walk on Earth. trust is something that we are not supposed to give away easily except to God. something that you should hold on to.

"trust is like a mirror, once it's broken you can never look at it the same way again."
I don't know if you call this trust issue but I can't seem to really, entirely, with my heart, 100% trust anyone yet. I have not yet found a person that I could count on completely, that I could rely on wholly. I know someday I will, someday I will find that person that I will trust. because for all I know, people that I used to trust ended up using me or making me regret for giving them my trust. it's like when I started to trust them, they show me why I shouldn't. so can you say it's entirely my fault for having this trust issue? can you say my problem with trusting people come from me, not the one that made me like that? the one that misused my trust?

trust is a simple, base, primal, instinctive, individual action. sometimes misleading, often misused. hard to gain easy to lose. but I'm not saying I don't trust anyone, I'm just saying... I've been hurt a lot times in the past and it is hard to believe in someone's words. after all, from what I've learned for the past 17 years of my life, I found out that being wrong has a plus side, it gives you that feeling of knowing the right one, that things people do are mostly lead to readable path that I've been before.

Crystal Clear

Saturday, May 28, 2011 Comments Off

do you know how they say that high school years are one of the best years of our lives, or possibly the only best years of our lives? well, I sure do and I agree with it. I don't want to sound corny and cheesy and a bit immature-ish but I know that the statement is true. it doesn't take a genius to figure out that high school was the best, fun, energetic, full-of-happiness, unforgettable, irreplaceable,  thoughtful, thrilled-filled, drama-fuelled years. the years were filled with unexpected encounters, broken relationships, bad grades and most importantly family bonding. yes, I call all those nutheads, especially my international classmates, my family or, in a lack of better words, my best friends.
friends are the one who help you stand up when you fall, but best friends laugh at you, start running and say "Come on you, nutter, catch us."
friends are the one who bail you out of jail, but best friends are the one who inside the next cell saying "Shit, let's do that again."
friends are the one who say mean things in your back, but best friends are the one who tell you the truth in your face and let you cry on their shoulders.
friends are the one who smiles with you in pictures, but best friends are the one who make funny faces, so that you'd laugh and mess up the picture, in front of you while you're taking those pictures.
friends will tell you you're pretty in those dress, but best friends are the one who tell you that you look ugly and should go to the party wearing a garbage disposal bag instead and then they would punch you in the arm while laughing and saying "Just kidding honey, you look fantastic."
friends are the one who tell you that you've been stabbed in the back, but best friends are the one who pull out that knife and stab the person who stabbed you.
friends are the one who sit with you in the cafetaria, but best friends are the one that sneak into your back and start a food fight. 
I've made tons of friends when I was in high school, but I also made few best friends and a group of family. I can't believe how lucky and blessed I am being that person with so many people around her that would cheer her up anytime anywhere anywheather like my best friends did earlier.
I was in a middle of a "crisis", it was quite a bit of self-struggle problem and four of my best friends cheered me up. they were all "we love you, we are here for you.", "be strong, Dil.", "be tough!!!", "if you need us, we'll be here" and even one of my best male friend gave me one of those emoticon hug through blackberry messenger chat. I am blessed. they all care for me, they all love me, entirely, deeply and I feel like those love are enough for now.
one of my female friends said that our group of tightly-bonded best-friends filled the void in her heart. that got me quite a thought. because based on my feelings and what I feel in my heart, which is a void, I named my tumblr voidinmyheart as it was a beautiful sentence and an inevitable truth. I wondered what filled this heart and after a few minutes I thought... they filled my void, not completely mind you because there was still that empty feeling I get when I see sad things a.k.a lypophrenia. they filled my void with happiness, laughter, unforgettable, irreplaceable moments that would bring back tears into my eyes if I reminisce about it all right now. don't get me talk about greatest moment I've ever experienced with them, because I would answer all of them and tell those moments to you. but if you ask me which one was memorable, I'd answer Singapore EduTrip. because those moments were the one when I felt like a childish juvenile or mature kid. because I was forced to be responsible of myself and things I that I had bought & brought but I also had to learn and had to enjoy each moments.
I must admit this to you: I could not survived without them

Faux Heaven.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011 Comments Off

As I sit here, couple thousand metres (possibly twenty thousands, but can't seem to be sure), my mind wanders around. About how boats and ships look so small up here. How strange this country. One part heaven, one part hell. But then again, you can't be good if there's no evil to contrast you, right?
I like the sea. Some people like the beach but I prefer the sea. The sea is calming. One of places I go if I want to feel some kind of sanctuary. A person, who I believe will choose to remain anonymous, likes the beach, he said he prefers beaches than mountains and forests. But I of course prefer mountains and forests. Those calming feeling you get when you are in the forests... just perfect. Better than beaches certainly. And comes first before oceans.


Earlier, I thought that we already set fly above the sea, but apparently I was wrong. I could see a mountain, standing proud between the forests. It was as if a solid reminder of something that God made. I don't know if the mountain is very tall, but it was surrounded by the clouds. white puffy clouds. soon after I enjoyed the view, I was mesmerized by the beautiful white clouds. Really puffy. Like one of those clouds that you could see in movies. I can't thank God enough for giving me the gift of sight seeing. The clouds were undoubtedly beautiful. It was like faux heaven.


ps: the photo above is mine.

Morning

Thursday, May 5, 2011 Comments Off

call me indie, call me hipsters, call me whateverthefuck you like, but I am, and always will, in love with the rain. maybe you could've guessed it from my previous posts. it's raining now with occasional thunders. and it's still almost 10 in the morning, how great is that? I like morning rain, late night rain and afternoon rain. I don't want this rain to end just yet. personally, raindrops is the best fragrance I've ever smell. I've always fond of the rainy days.
acoustic songs are playing on my iTunes, Re: Stacks is the best song for rainy days. and I catch a smell from the past. instant time machine. the past had long gone but still left some scars on my mind.
and as corny as it may seemed, the rain stopped when the song ended 

Run Away, She Did.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011 Comments Off

I once knew a girl who was very sad and grumpy all the time. she never truly smiled, only occasional grin here and there, but never actually smiled. she liked to hurt people with her words and her actions. she often got into a fight with people, not only with girls of her age but also boys and sometimes teachers. nobody wanted to be friends with her. she could only sat on the bench alone with her lunch, looked like she was angry. over the time, she reinvented herself and became approachable and nice-looking, she treated people really well and looked like she was smiling all the time. but do you know what? the girl with the biggest smile holds the biggest pain and everyone who doesn't dare to ask her what's wrong are the person that will be lost forever.

I don't think everything is her fault, not most of them anyway. who knew that she became that way because of her life that she did not dare to tell anyone to? that she hided pain behind all of those angry outer feature? that she did not want anyone to knew that she was broken? that she was just trying to survive?
people say being physically abused hurt you the most, well guess what? being mentally abused hurts you too. hurts you even more than physical abuse. being mentally abused leave scar on your mind that could be triggered one day eventhough you think that you had buried them. the brain is something that we don't understand and very complicated, and we don't know if our actions will have any influence to it. we don't know if things that people do to us will be stored in our brain in which section, maybe some sad stories will be assigned to the deepest part of our minds so that when one day if something triggered those sad things to be unlocked, our real selves will be shown to the world. who knows?

that was what happened to her. she locked all of her emotions into one tiny bit in herself and when something triggered it to opened, she would be on rage and be her own self. she's been putting up walls and masks all of these times, looked like she was okay and such but the truth was, she wasn't. she was not okay she was not smiling. it was only an act of survival that she learnt by herself from time to time. people asked her why she didn't open up to people easily, she would only laugh and jumped into another conversation. the reason why she didn't open up to people easily was because that she never thought that anyone would be worthy. she tried and tried to opened up herself to people around her, but do you know what they did to her? they didn't want to hear those things, they were busy with things that weren't as much important. those things that they did hurt her more than things that those girls and boys did when she was little. when she needed a shoulder to lean on, she had none. well, maybe she didn't need a shoulder to lean on, she need someone to lean with. someone that she could share with. someone with a mind like hers. she found one. the one that said that they are a perfect match. but do you know what that person did? that person betrayed her, lied to her and left her. all alone. that was the reason why she refused to talk about herself to anyone. the reason why she didn't talk deeply with anyone.

people thought that they knew here and loved her. but nobody really knew here, nobody except one that is. another person, she thought. another person that she thought she could share with but then gone. people that she cared about had the tendency to be so far away, out of reach, left her alone or all of those three. she tried to connect with people emotionally but she couldn't fully connect with anyone. many people tried to bond with her, but they were too late and she couldn't help it if she couldn't connect with them. and with that, she tried to run away.


and run away she did. she had suffered enough.

The Modesty of Being Wrong

Sunday, May 1, 2011 Comments Off

two shocking news in a matter of less than 24 hours slapped me in the face when I was on vacation. both of them were the least expected news. the first news made me speechless but the second news made my mind go numb. I don't really care about the first news, as for the second news, I really want to find that person and kill him.
to tell you the truth, the first news didn't really bother me at all, not now anyway, it was some kind of misunderstood in his part and I greatly understand it. I won't say names, but I know deep down inside that person knows it was only a misunderstood feeling. misunderstood and misleading.
about the second news... this made my mind went numb for the whole one and half hours. I turned off my phone in order to save its battery and to avoid news. I went to a cafe, ordered a hot cuppa and sipped some and read my Kafka On The Shore book. even though the book is greatly entertaining and not-shockingly contains great quotes&life lessons, my mind still wandered around, tried to gripped some sense of reality but I couldn't. my hands were cold and I started to get sore throat, side effect of the news? probably so. the news was heartbreaking, mind numbing, sickening, tiring and making me hopeless. I bid farewell to that person or... maybe, I have bid that person goodbye since a couple of weeks ago. such a vague, unpredictable human, I don't mind the unpredictable, but the vague... it's like this person is still lingering somewhere but didn't care to show up like a grown up, remain hidden but almost look like visible. I don't know what this person intention is, hurting me like that. if this person tell me the truth, I wouldn't have act that way, I would gladly accepted the news, but I heard it from someone else and that made me feel like I'm betrayed. but for all the right reasons, whatever happens is the only thing that could have.
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