Archive for October 2012

After The Storm

Sunday, October 28, 2012 Comments Off

Here you go, True. Read this near the windows when it's pouring with a cup of warm green tea.


"Sweater weather." Petrichor said to Caim when she saw first droplets of rain making their way to the ground. Caim smiled and brushed his fingers over her cheek, causing her to smile and giggle.
"So, do you want to start first, Mrs. Hershey?" asked Petrichor, both of her hands were on the table, stroking Caim's hands lovingly.
"Yes. So, what are you guys going to do if you guys have 5 million pounds and you need to use it only for a day?" True asked, like Petrichor, she was also stroking her beau's hands, but the only difference was that their hands were on top of her lap.
Hershey smiled at her lovingly and somewhat longingly, showing his famous dimple. "Easy, love. I'm going to spend it to buy tickets for us to use to go around the world, before both of us settle down somewhere, but preferably in the States."
"Well, I'm going to spend it on vouchers and coupons and lots of those things so that I can use it in the future." answered Petrichor cheekily.
"You know, you can always buy everything you want." said Caim, his hands were not on hers anymore, but one of them was making a journey on her hair.
"Well... we might not know what's gonna happen in the future, right? So it's best to prepare."
Taking a sip of his hot cappuccino, Caim smiled secretively. "I think I'm going to spend my money on houses."
"Why?" asked True.
"Well, it's obvious, isn't it? She'll need a lot of house to keep all of her things that she'll buy with her vouchers and coupons." answered Caim, making Petrichor blushed and nuzzled at his hand even more.

"Alright, second question from me." said Hershey.
"Shoot." said Petrichor.
"If you can have one superpower, what it's going to be and why? Go." Hershey nuzzled his nose to True's curls.
Caim went first. "I want to be able to read minds. Because this girl right here, she is the most indecisive person I know. I just want to know what's going on inside her head, anytime, anywhere. And sometimes she is a closed book, I just want to know what's going on, that's pretty much it. I don't really want to know any other people's mind, just hers."
True smiled knowingly while Petrichor could only hide hers behind her cup of green tea. "I think," True started to talk. "I think I want the ability to be anywhere anytime and can take one person with me. Because I get to be sick with the reality from time to time and I just want to take it all away for awhile and I want to be able to do it with him."
Petrichor's turn. She bit her lower lip that was already bruised because of her chewing. "Well, I think, I think I want to be able to take away someone's pain, especially his, knowing that he's more secretive than I am."

"What about you, Caim? Got any Q's?" asked Hershey, his fingers were drumming on the top of the table and he was playfully biting his lower lip. His eyes wandered around from time to time but always ended up on True.
Caim contemplated for awhile. His eyes were fixed on his cup of coffee. "If you guys are able to know one thing right now, be it from the future or from the past, or even something that is absurd, what would it be?"
"Easy. How many kids we are going to have in the future." answered Hershey straightforwardly.
"For me... well... will they inherit my personality or his or both of us? And what they are going to be in the future." added True.
"Love?" asked Caim, noticing his love was looking at her green tea pensively as if it was holding the key to the future.
"Hmmm… what kind of life we lead in the future with our family." answered Petrichor with little less certainty than her answers before.

"Your turn, love." said Caim, putting his oversized sweater on her shoulder.
"Alright." the glint in her eyes was obvious to her peers. "I know this is absurd, but this is the question that I've been longing to ask you guys, so here it goes, if you know when the world will end, what will you guys do? Or rather, what you'll guys do to spend those remaining moments? Will you guys go insane? Or just lead the normal life."
Petrichor succeeded to make her peers looked thoughtful and reduced them into silence.
Hershey went on first. "I think, I'm going to spend it with my family and friends. Like, share my time with them, not exactly normal, but not exactly crazy either."
True nodded. "I think I'm going to spend my time with my friends and then spend the last days praying and waiting for it to end with him."
Caim stayed silent for a few minutes, making the other three worried about what was going on inside his mind. And then, after a few minutes he talked, "For me, I think, I'm going to marry Petrichor and go on trips everywhere, living the lives that we would otherwise not live."

Things I Need To Survive

Saturday, October 27, 2012 Comments Off

  • Books, the kinds that you can really lose yourself into, the kind that really speaks the mind of both the reader and the writer; the writer, because they create the whole world that does not really exist, and the reader, because they become the characters that they could never be in real life.
  • Tea, especially TWG's Alexandria and L'Orchidée Creme Caramel. They say tea is a drink that dims the world's din. And when you sniff the first scent that ooze from the boiling blend of its exquisiteness, you can make the world go away just for a few seconds of your life. You can jump into one memory to the next, or even live a life you've never led. Their smell soothe you like warm wool black jumper after being left in front of a roaring fire. They make you feel at home.
  • Sweaters. Or jackets. Something that warm me up, like a warm invisible body that will always be there for you to snuggle you and cuddle you until you feel safe and loved, even only by the miraculously tiny strands of threads that could join together and become such a warm article.
  • Interesting and stimulating conversations, like the one I had yesterday night with my dear cousin. Suffice it to say, the conversation was helpful and insightful for both of us; for me because he brought some new ideas and new perspectives on how to live a life and the way we see life. Not merely the currently trending you only live once propaganda, but also how to enjoy life immensely, to fulfill that ever-mention void in our hearts, the emptiness that haunts everyone because their lack of fulfillment in their souls. Not only living as mindless creatures that are needed by the world because we fill our parts in the system, but to fulfill the need of answering questions that we can cause. A new way of thinking and living. A way that some may not accept because, for some their current mindset is not as liberal as mine, but for the others, not as conservative as mine. No matter how weird the conversations go, I immensely enjoy good conversations.
  • Music. May sound cliche and overrated, but it is the simplest of truth. Music can drown me in their own worlds, worlds that are different from the ones that are created from books. Their worlds are more pronounced and indestructible. More colorful and less detailed. But their magic is as powerful as the books'. They provide worlds where we can imagine our own life if we could have lived another ones or even relive the memories that had been haunting us since we were six. Music affects us in ways that people cannot put in words. The relations between sound wave and the chemicals in our brains may not be comprehendible for my brain, but they are there, they exist physically and metaphorically. To numb the throbbing pain. To block the noise from the world. To relive certain moments that we had when we were with our loved ones. To help us memorize certain facts. To be there with us when no one else cannot. They are essentially our companions.
  • Writing, to some extent, notebooks and pens (and pencils). I honestly cannot live without writing something every one day. Just some simple phrases, nothing significant. But I cannot live without doing that. They embody the days and the nights I live. They make me remember days, when I want to revisit them one day in the future. They make me forget the whole world. They make me honest with myself. They make me tell things that I do not dare to tell. They make me ponder. They make me feel alive.
Do you want me to add you on the list?

Where Can You Run?

Friday, October 26, 2012 Comments Off

Dear a man who interestingly and curiously owns numerous of sweaters that could mirror my own collection,
Here is a letter that I will never be able to give to you, given the circumstances we are currently in. Because, frankly, we are strangers to each other. We never exchange a simple polite "hello" to each other, because I'm a coward I know. We have never even talked to each other for more than few lines, that moments were not even our own, because our mutual friends were there beside us. Our physical beings often collided even though never touched, but almost close enough to feel the presence of each other. And then I would move around, or you would in some cases, because I was (and still am) too afraid if I stand close enough, then I would lose it. I would tell you how you currently fill my thoughts and my dreams-- yes, literally, I dreamt of you even though we never exchange greetings.

I honestly do not know what to do with my feelings for you. This is a simple crush, I know, but I'm afraid it is beginning to become something that is even bigger, but not love, no, not now. Something that first started from a simple adoration to a giant, heart-wrenching crush. I'm afraid I'm just a girl who simply does not understand how to react with these feelings for you, I don't know whether or not I should be pursuing you or just sitting here and waiting until the feelings gradually begin to fade. Which one do you prefer?

My insecurity complicates things even further. What should have been a silly little adoration turned into what we nowadays call crush that needs a little assurance about whether or not your like me back. What cause these negative and self-harming thoughts are my historical baggages. I have too many baggages, that I hope I could tell you all about it, that need to be load off and they make me think what I am not supposed to think.

Should I describe you more? So that, when, by chance, you are reading this, you will understand that you are the person that I am talking about. Or the clues are enough, Mr. Sweater? You are oblivious to the fact that I like you, but I hope not for long, because I really want to get to know you even more. I am not asking for Romeo and Juliet kind of relationship, just a companionship from someone who knows me better than I do and who loves myself more than I love myself. Can you be that guy?

I'm questioning myself, "Where can I run to?" "Who will love me?"
Can you be that guy, Mr. Sweater?


Friday, October 19, 2012 Comments Off

Morning. Summer.
Hello, glittering blackness, how I love when you flicker in excitement. Especially when you shield yourselves with your corresponding brown curly lashes and then you open yourselves to the bright and vast world with wonder and adoration. You go back and forth, to me and the rest of me. To the ticking clock above us and then to our bookcases near the treasure chest. Your expressions change from time to time. Sometimes with ease, another time with lack of joy--or is it lack of longing? You trace our apartment, like a kid on its first trip to the candy store, searching for everything, like every single piece of furniture is alive, checking one by one if there is something missing. Then you shield yourselves again. Then you open it and look into me. Without seeing your lips, I can tell that you are smiling. At me. At the whole world we created together. Just the two of us.

Evening. Autumn.
Hello, protective cape, so wide, I will never be able to reach all of you in one hug. Tonight is one of the nights I seek your warmth. The organic matter that could mold itself to be some layers of irreplaceable and renewable warmth. The smell that ooze out from you is also undeniably addictive and it will perpetually be the same. Something that I could trust in you, something that will never change from you. The homey smell. Of spice and sandalwood. Of uncountable tea and endless buttondowns. Of happy dreams and early mornings. You fill my day and night.

Night. Spring.
Hello, where-I-come-from. You make a good pillow. Warm and soft at the same time. And you hypnotize me all the time, because of your constant rise and fall. Don't forget your hums that sometimes changes note because your pretty brain sends some adrenalines and you react instantly, changing pattern and waking me up of your screams. As you gradually back to sleep, I smile and sleep on my own pillow. I sigh, I belong here.

Evening. Spring.
Hello, the creator of my destiny. You look tired today. Did you go miles and miles before you reach your destination? I know you did before you met me. And I you. Did the shoes protect you like your arms protect me? You look worn out. I'll make you some hot water to soak yourself to. With some salt, I heard they are good to ease the pain and make your skin softer. Afterwards, I will bring you some mint scented body butter to smoothens every part of you. Even the part that tickles. Because you are important. You brought me you. Without you we wouldn't be here, laying together in front of the TV. We wouldn't be what we are right now.

Afternoon. Summer.
Hello, the whisperer, you look chapped today. Maybe you haven't tasted anything good lately. And the afternoon breeze does not help either. Should we move to the Hyde Park? Where you can relieve yourself with £1.50 ice cream that comes with edible chocolate sticks and cone. Where you can discreetly use my Hershey's flavored lipbalm. Or do you prefer the tasteless Banana Boat one? And I can also discreetly relieve your pain by kissing you. Gently. Deliberately. With no rush or need. Just patience. Just like what you did when you saw me struggling. Just like we did when we were starting to learn how to love each other, without guilt or restraint.

Night. Autumn.
Hello, my confidant. You are looking exceptionally fresh today. And smells like our hazelnut scented body lotion and body bath. Are you ready to be my confidant? To do your one job. To listen about me rambling about my day, about how Birdy just went by to my office and borrow £300. How my boss gave me assignments about things that he could do by himself (yes,, walking his dog was included). How my colleagues were just looking forward for the weekend, just like me. You are very patient, aren't you? You never fails to make me feel like I'm loved and that my existence matter because every word that comes out of my mouth matter. That my ideas are being heard. Thank you.

Morning. Summer.
Good morning, my everything. Thank you for existing.


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My heart still needs its companion. Though it is now almost complete, it cannot be denied that this metaphysical thing is in need of something that could ease its life. Almost nineteen years of its existence, it had gone through alive, through all the bruises, cuts and spontaneous free fall. And all those years, it ash needs a similar piece like its own that could soothe all of the evidence of the inconsolable past. Every now and then, it throbs, like signaling me of how lonely it is. And, every now and then, it reminds me of its homemade void. A void that needs to be filled with the companionship of others. A void that cannot be filled alone, for it is built upon loneliness and seasonal heartaches.

Heart is a funny thing. It does not exist physically, but it often cause physical hurt that could suffocate your chest and it will yell, "I need to be loved". It still carries on living alone, sometimes it meets other lonely hearts and tries to relieve each other, even only with small talks and laughters. But they all know that they cannot fill each others void. They all need other hearts that are complete, or at least have void in different places.

My heart often cries. Alone. In the dark. When everyone else is sleeping or watching movies with their loved ones, it cries alone. While listening to some music that makes it feel like it belongs elsewhere, somewhere before or after this period of time. It soars. It roars. It cries. Alone. Its need for companionship never fails to make itself cry. How sometimes it just wish it could end it all. Juvenile, I know, but you cannot be juvenile when you have been doing this for the past years. It had it rougher and tougher than others had, but the others are blind to that fact, thinking that it has always been so happy, that it never went to hell and back.

It often laughs on the absurdity of its mind. How it is possible to fall in love with something that is not even there. Or for the fact that it longs for something in the past. For something that it doesn't really know or doesn't really happen. A home that is not physically real. It only knows one thing: longing.

The one thing that is even more sad, is that the fact that it never feels like it deserves companionship from the others that it attracts to.

Never Be

Wednesday, October 17, 2012 Comments Off

You could teach me how to drive better.
And teach me how to be calmer when I drive.
You could teach me how to organize my head better, because I obviously need it.
You could hug me until I fall asleep.
or maybe until I become calmer.
You could stroke my hair and my arm, until my bad feelings gone.
You could rent (or buy) some action movies (or even horror ones) to watch together in my house.
You could show up at my doorstep and bring me some ice cream. With some chocolate bars.
You could take me out to my favorite restaurant and we could eat all of the desserts.
You could compile a mixtape that is filled with my favorite songs.
You could borrow me your ever present sweater and I will wear it like a protective cape.
You could bring me cupcakes, with my name on it. Cheesecake flavored please.
You could cuddle me, until I feel like I'm safe. But then again, I bet your arms are the best hiding place.
You could hold my hand until I feel like I belong somewhere. And never let go. Ever.
You could take away the physical pain of the void in my heart by being there. Always.
You could be a constant reminder of how happy I am.
You could be mine. But, you will never be.
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