Archive for July 2010

Hole In My Life

Friday, July 30, 2010 § 0

sad song in not-very-grumpy-way, but currently represents me the most is Hole In My Life by Sting and The Police.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
There's a hole in my life
There's a hole in my life

Shadow in my heart
Is tearing me apart
Or maybe it's just something in my stars

There's a hole in my life
There's a hole in my life
Be a happy man
I try the best I can
Or maybe I'm just looking for too much

There's something missing from my life
Cuts me open like a knife
It leaves me vulnerable
I have this disease
I shake like an incurable
God help me, please
Oh, there's a hole in my life
There's a hole in my life
Yeah, yeah, yeah
There's something missing from my life
Cuts me open like a knife
It leaves me vulnerable
I have this disease
I shake like an incurable
God help me, please
Oh, there's a hole in my life
There's a hole in my life

No More Than A Phrase

Wednesday, July 28, 2010 § 0

so yeah... I might as well leave.
because my story always ends with, "and then she left."
alone? yes
with only hopes in my bones? yes. false hopes? definitely.
all I do is only hurt you and your souls, I won't mind if I could be the wind of the emptiness in the desert. or maybe sunlight in the middle of the ocean. might as well be lonely leaves in the tallest trees.
I'm tough. always will.
they are evilly angel. whilst I... no more than a phrase from a well written novels, nothing you can remember. they are... perfect. so is he.
besides... who would remember?
I'm no more insignificant than a dust in the sand.

current favorite: Florence + The Machine -- Blinding. epic.

Keep Me From Sadness

Saturday, July 24, 2010 § 0

you don't know what its like
for all your hopes to rise
to see them fall again
with the setting sun
Te Vaka - Tamahana

you know what I really hate the most? unanswerable questions. the second is goodbye, as you all may have guessed, and the third is none other than letting go. actually, the order isn't necessary. those are the three things that I hate the most, I despise at the times and I avoid it every time, if I could escape something, those three would be on my list. especially the unanswerable questions, or maybe questions that couldn't be answered by logic. but truth to be told, logic isn't necessary, at least I have the answer, at least they don't leave me hanging on. at least they don't just blurted out to me with no explanation whatsoever.
while goodbye... goodbyes are promises from the cowards. coward people who couldn't face the fact that they had reached the end of something. people that don't have the guts to stand up straight and get a bloody move on. I may be weak, I may be sad all the times, but I'm no coward, I prefer "See you later" than "Goodbye"s. because I fear that goodbye always attach to "loneliness" and someone that left. because goodbye always end something good, or something that used to be good. and also because in my experiences and from what I have learnt before, goodbyes only mean sad ending. quite an irony really, because goodbye never ends good. goodbyes only leaving you hanging on with false hopes of another hello.
letting go is never easy. especially the ones you couldn't live without and the ones that took from you abruptly, like a hug with someone and then that person pulled out from you when you were just starting to feel the other's warmth and affection, or maybe like someone suddenly ripped off your sweater in the middle of winter and you go insane because you thought you couldn't live without it, but you survived eventually, by gathering bits of your sweater that shattered all over the places. people have those sometimes and I wish I don't have one of those, but how could I not when I.

I've talked to my best ever friend about: the person that left, lypophrenia, and this... hole in my heart that I don't know what could fill them, hole that I thought it never existed before, hole that got buried, hole that temporarily forgotten. she told me to ask my mother about this. but I'm afraid that my parents would answer that I only say nonsense things

[doubletake media]

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Sunday, July 18, 2010 § 0

Dear you,
don't be such a badass, don't think yourself as a badass. because honey, it only takes 4 muscles to extend my arm and slap you. thanks xoxo

English Class and Fairy Tales

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on friday, I had english class and my lovely teacher, that left abruptly at year 11 to teach at the regular classes (I'm in international class), started to talk about genres, not genres in music (because that would be in different class), but genres in writing. there are many type of genres and sub-genres. she was asking us to suggest some of the genres that we know or maybe had come across when one of my friends suggested fairy tales. I startled by the words and she told us its not a genre nor a sub-genre, but is a sub-sub genre. its not the sub part that surprised me, but the words that my friend suggested. fairy tales.

what do I know about fairy tales? rubbish. full of false hopes and too-high expectations. stories and tales for kids, not for grown-ups. I don't consider myself as a grown up but at least I'm not a child, I don't believe in fairy tales and their friends, never had. I wasn't really into barbies or fairy stories when I was a kid, I was more realistic, like stuffed animals and a pen with drawing book. I was more of a painter rather than ballerina, I've been different since I was a kid and I'm proud. there was this trip, when I went abroad with my cousin, she bought polly pockets and stuff, I bought harry potter. she was wearing cute tops with lace and such, I was wearing boots. I liked harry potter more than polly pocket and barbie. I know harry potter is considered as fairy tales, but it was more of literature rather than children book. the point is: I don't believe in fairy tales. they are too good to be true. they are... weak. and I wasn't into princesses either. I was more into... stuffed animals and I made my own world by drawing things. the only disney story that I liked when I was a kid were only Hercules and Lion King. the other ones, like Snow White or Cinderella, were considered as rubbish to me. I don't believe in waiting for your prince to come. I'm more of a realistic but I tend to write my own stories. I tend to write my own fairy tales based on true events. based on true stories. based on life. the point is: I don't do fairy tales.

and come to think about it, I hated barbies. the only barbie that I liked is the one that had kits that could change the barbie's clothes' colour and I played with the clothes, not with the barbie. also, when I went into the kids department, I immediately went to the art section (the DYIs one) or the science one, while my cousins went to the "girlie" one. well... I was an odd ball back then and I still am right now. I have different perspective in life and how to handle things. its like if you see the sea from the shore, I see the sea by scuba diving. also statistically speaking, my music taste is weird, not as in weird weird, but just never-heard-of-them weird, most of my friends and my family told me that. but somehow, I'm proud to be different.

if the photo is yours, then comment on the post.

"Loneliness is the ultimate poverty." — Abigail Van Buren

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Saturday night, check. alone, check. with only laptop in my lap, check. although there's huge party going on somewhere in the middle of this metropolitan city and I'm invited but I declined because some issues, check. lonely, check. lypophrenia strikes numerous time, check. got many ideas but too lazy to do things, check. well then, you go typical saturday night, you never fails to let me down.

I have a huge pack of friends who have personality like 64-colour crayola box with different types of labels and packages. I have enough close friends that are as loyal as paper clips to important files. I also have few best friends in my life with friendships that could last a lifetime or more. I also have many frienemies. but when it comes to loneliness, noone could cure them. noone could really could cure them unless they really truly care about you. unless they really want to remove away the loneliness or maybe share your loneliness with them even in only tiniest amount, one single tiny amount that could make the difference in your world.

being alone sometimes good. sometimes being alone wakens up the creativity in you because you imagine things when you are alone, deep down inside you find something in your mind that could soothe you and keep you company at the same time. but sometimes, when loneliness aching and the coldness of being alone banging on your mind to tell you that you cannot be alone anymore but all of the people refuse to go with you or maybe have plans on their own, you begin to forgot that you have hope of being with other people. and I don't want to forget.

this is supposed to be yesterday post, but I do occasional yawning when I write this one, so I postpone it.
my mum told me that I should get enough sleep because I always wake up in a good mood when I got one. but I guess she doesn't know that the reason I wake up in good mood is because.
my friends are accusing me for being "emo", for being downer lately. well, I don't argue and I don't even say anything about it, because in my heart, I know that I agree that I am a bit downer. and some of my friends are calling me "quote girl", and asking me why I like quotes lately, especially the ones with loneliness or being lonely. I don't mind. because that's what I feel currently.

so here's my current love: Once soundtrack. 

Alice, Where Are You?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010 § 0

listen to this. magical voice and magical song. magical movie, even. I always ask the same question for someone that I don't even know. asking who this person is, why this person is always in my mind and the most basic question, "Where Are You?"

The Suburbs All Are Sleeping.

Monday, July 12, 2010 § 0

the logic says my heart got to be out of its mind. the logic says never trust the heart. the logic says heart is full of lie. the logic says stay out of the heart. the logic says never let anyone gets into your heart. the logic says never let anyone leave your heart. the logic says never let anyone possesses your heart. the heart replies, "logic be damned. life is about the balance of heart and mind. logic be damned. a person do what the heart says. logic be damned.".

I don't believe the odds that life had given me. I really don't. lately, when my brain starting to recognize something that unrecognizable but my heart recognize them instantly, although the two of them never rhymes simultaneously, I started to get sad, kind of like lypophrenia. those unrecognizable things that are quite familiar even though I don't really understand what they are. those familiarness of the unrecognizable things are only making me wonder why on Earth would I feel those? and to answer questions from a post in tumblr:

yes. I have and currently feel that my heart literally drop. like when I see something, read something, etc. I can actually feel them. I can feel the sinking feeling in my heart, that shocking feeling that takes over my brain. yes. I have actually feel that and the tears start streaming.

its like I'm stressing for the familiar feeling but different memories. and those memories are just... vague. like a hint of perfume in the midst of air in the cosmetic department. the perfume is recognizable, whilst the experience, the way you feel them, the way the memories of the person who wears the perfume come to you in an easy way but leave you with all those remembrances, only bring such a great despair and isn't recognizable. and my heart is starting to ask my brain. does this feeling real? is there even a feeling like this? my brain, being the logical one, doesn't know because it couldn't recognize any of these stories, thinks that there's no such thing as that feeling. because if there is such thing like this and if I somehow ever healed from this, I would have known how to cure this. how cure this over-flowing emptiness. how to cure a hole that left unnoticed in my heart from these past years. knowledge sometimes... kills, but I couldn't be ignorant at these feelings that keep occurring like telephone rings, you may not know when will it occurs, you may not know who calls you, you may not know why they call you, but you know the ring will always be the same and that will ring from time to time.

there's a part of me that want to know why are these things are occurring, why are these things keep happening, and what caused them to happen, part of me wondering, trying to reveal a veil beneath all of the secrets and mysteries of these wounded feelings. but, there's a part of me that is tired of... trying. tired of everything. and just want silence. so which one should I follow? the latter one, though, is the easiest, but the one that will cause so much sadness. while the first one... will cause heart breaking with no real definite cause at all.

Will Someone?

Saturday, July 10, 2010 § 0

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Friday, July 9, 2010 § 0

Dear Grandpa,

I wish I could talk to you right now. We've never met before. I want to talk to you. I want to learn who you are and what you look like and your interests in life. I know that there are few similar things that we both share and thus make me even more like you, or maybe more like my dad, which is your son, but there's a little bit of you in me. You've never been able to see your wonderful grandchildren and I hope that up there you are a little bit proud for being parent of my dad and his siblings. Because there is no other necessary things that I need to utter to you, nor some little bit of stories from me... I just want to say that I love you. thanks Grandpa for making my dad such a great dad.


"It's Like You Feel Homesick For A Place That Doesn't Even Exist"

Thursday, July 8, 2010 § 0

I know I have claimed that "We all move in circles" is the answer for all those coincidences and deja vus, but I haven't got a clue about this missing person. this person that presence's missing. I have no bloody idea who is it, or if this person is a guy or a girl. I don't have idea why this person, the person that's missing mentally and physically both in my mind and by presence, haunts me. how this person's presence, to borrow a quote from Fiya Muiz, still lingers without certain limitation of time. but, bugger, those coincidences still bugging me. still dancing around my presence, still laughing at the sorrow and madness that they have caused, still inflicting me in certain mad ways that I don't even know why they have such power. those emotional things that they caused by wandering along with me, bugging me like a barbie doll that you could play with, are may not be grand, but they keep coming. the never ending circles. oh dear God, senseless things that I am saying right now. senseless, mindless, weird things. I don't even know myself.

yesterday I told two of my best friends that I want to leave Jakarta. not really, but yeah, if I got a shot, why not? if I could just get out of this maddening city, this pollutant city, filled with mindless characters and more-faces-than-one creatures, I would. I would leave and go to somewhere else, somewhere that is not necessarily better, but somewhere that I could make peace, even with myself. I know conflicts never stop, but if I could make them less than what I used to have, then why in the world not? and I also believe that there is no such thing as peace if you don't universally believe them, so currently there's no such thing as peace, but it would be nice to go to a place where there are less mindless characters, I don't need to go to a place where there are normal people, because frankly there's no such thing as normal, but I'd like to go to a place where there are abnormal people who get along together easily. or people like me, people who I belonged to, people who see me as myself, place where I don't have to pretend, place where people accept me for who I am. I know that place called home and I am living in it right now, but it would be nice if I could go to a place where there's no bunch of plastic people, few of them, nothing that I can't handle. okay okay stop complaining.

couldn't believe monday is school already, next year I'll be away in college/university. I won't be sit in this place at this time next year. I'll be away. wow. time goes by so fast.

Here and There. This and That

Monday, July 5, 2010 § 0

went to one of asia's famous countries for five days with few of my family and cousins. the trip was awesome, went to many places and bought so many things (especially from the famous and one of my favorite brands H&M). if there's one thing I regret from that trip, it would be the one that I was too wishy washy to not buy Doctor Who Season 1 DVD set. yes, if you ask, I'm still regret it, I mean, Chris Eccleston is my favorite Doctor (despite everything he said about why he left Doctor Who) and I made a wrong decision. oh dear God, I'm still full of regret, although one of my favorite girls, Lintang, always said "no regrets" but truth to be told, that bloody decision is one of the most clumsiest, and not to mention dumbest, decision I've ever made. I love Doctor Who. I love the series a bloody lot, like my friends and cousins love for Skins and Glee. and I didn't buy the DVD set. Oh dear God. well, no regrets. no regrets. oh I regret a bloody lot. k, bye.

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

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this goes to the person that I looked up to. the person that I see as a person that I adore.
hello there you,
How are you? Are you hanging on out there? Alone? But, you did pretty well, if not very great, these past few years alone, but are you hanging on? Are you okay? Does anyone hurt you? I believe you are hanging on, yeah? Trying to grip the world with your fingertips...
the title says it all. I wish I could talk to you as much as I'd like to. As much as you would like to. I know you don't really want to talk to me because of the age difference (and thus cause the different topic to talk to), but I really would love to spend a day just talk about things that you like, because honestly, things that you like amaze me, things that you do makes me adore you, although we all know there are few of things that I don't really like about you, those little bits of things, a few facts, but all those facts that gathered up as you. People usually don't like your attitude, I know, because you're a bit different, because you have all those quirks and moves that other people that don't usually have, maybe they are jealous, who knows, maybe they are very jealous of you, jealous of a person that's just really awesome in reality if they know you well. I don't claim that I know you very well, but I just think that I know you better than people who hate you for your different quirks and opinions in life-- or maybe I just know the person that I gathered up as you, maybe I adore the "you" that I make up in my mind. Thats why, I need to talk to you more than we used to talk, maybe not as much as a friend would, but just a fan talking to her idol. I want to learn how to see this cruel world in your perspective, all of your perspectives, the good and the bad one. But, if there's one thing that I don't really like from you, it would probably the way you treat your family, as if they are no less important from any strangers that you meet out in the street; from my experiences, strangers are no less important than anyone, they are also important, so family couldn't be less important than strangers, they should be more important and you should value them more than any brightest diamonds in the world. You are always nice to people, but why do you have to treat your family no less important than your social life, your all-nighters, but... who am I to judge you, right?

[ Rory J Cole ]
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