Archive for April 2014

Secondhand Love

Monday, April 21, 2014 Comments Off

It was my friend's big breakup with her longterm boyfriend that punched me right in the gut. Knocked me off balance about how I perceive the love I think I deserve. You see, as much as it fears me to have it, I have never thought of myself highly enough to be loved so much by someone that is magnificent and glorious or even to be held so dearly and so faithfully by someone that could love me for who I am. It is a strange concept to accept it--to acknowledge it, but it is embedded in my mind all the same, how I could never feel the caresses of a lover. That this person that I'd end up with would probably still mourn over his past love; his past perfect love.

But it never occurred to me that there was another type of secondhand love. A type that burns you just the same like the aforementioned relationship. Where one of the pairs expect the other to expect them to be similar to their expectations. It can be quite hard to live in that retrospect. How our own expectations of how others treat us is actually what kills us the most--not their actual expectations of us. Our own imaginative head manages to make us suffer more exponentially than before. Funny how our own thoughts could be the source of our state of decay, but also could be the cure.

Have you ever felt that way?

Homesick Ghosts

Tuesday, April 15, 2014 Comments Off

There are these homesick ghosts inside my head. Ghosts that are tearing up my insides to the part where I can never breathe properly. Or even function normally. These ghosts are unabridged longings of something that could never decently here in the same importances.

Something like the soft caresses of a lover gathering your hair at the nape of your neck.
Something like the whispered kisses over the telephone.
Something like the lover's gentle greeting in the dawn in front of your house.
Something like the touch of their eyelashes on your collarbone as they fall asleep.
Something like the lingering whiff of their body balm on your favourite throw.
Something like the art of borrowing one another's articles of clothing.

This is what a soul could ever want.
A connectivity with someone that is not doomed it from the start.

A Tale of Two Cities

Sunday, April 13, 2014 Comments Off

It felt kind of funny, sitting here in the park in the middle of a bright afternoon all by myself. It was an odd day. I said that not because I was trying to make the day seemed more interesting than it actually was, but honestly, the day started off as weird and impossible. A strange vibe lurked around me like some kind of personal cloud. I could not pinpoint what caused this thing actually, but it felt off.

But perhaps I just miss you.

All around everyone was enjoying this oddly bright and warm day in the middle of Fall. Mothers pulled out their worn age-old picnic baskets stuffed with sandwiches and cold sodas, kids running around and playing with their friends, old people were permitted to go out and enjoyed the magic, and there were couples. Couples.

Couples that did not have to wait for the right time to go on Skype because of the far-stretched time differences because they lived in the same town and timezone. Couples that got to go on surprise date. Couples that could share and live moments after moments together instead of having to tell and explain it to them later on the day. Couples that were able to celebrate milestones of their lives together. Couples that were able to be in the same pictures together on those milestones events, not showing them off through social media applications. Couples that were able to buy groceries together and cook, or even had night in. Couples that were able to go to the clubs at Friday nights just to let loose. Couples that weren't us.

Perhaps I shouldn't wish for the circumstances to change. I should accept this even more, but I miss you. Too much. Having to wait perhaps is the hardest part of all. The timing was just not right, as you've always said. Maybe the Universe determined that this could be our ultimate test to determine whether or not we were right for each other.

But at times like this, you were just to far away.

As I stood up, leaving my spot on the park and walking through a commotion. I was not paying any attention to anything, therefor I ended up bumping to someone.

The person said, "I missed having you in my arms."


Friday, April 4, 2014 Comments Off

(not enough)

(perhaps it's your intention)

(isn't that your girlfriend's newest tattoo)

(remembering how we used to listen by sharing headset)

(perhaps I wasn't quite good at finding a new one)

(still are--mighty and powerful)

(searching for the embodiment of my undying wish, the touch of a lover)

(the blurry figures still urging me to find you)

(a complete stranger holding a briefcase filled with the void of his past and the darkness of his soul)

(should I open it up and let it consume me wholly?)

2024: Eli

Wednesday, April 2, 2014 Comments Off

"Come back home to me. Stay safe."

A tough job like his would require much more than being "safe". But as I sighed, gazing from the balcony at the place where his car was parked, I couldn't help but remember the time we met. It was a "cute meet" as my friend described to me one day, inspired by a movie that was released two decades ago. But unlike the movie, I didn't meet him at some department store looking for pjs, but instead I was at a science function.
Its theme was interesting enough for me to join. I, for one, was not the kind of person who got involved in this type of event, but since it looked different from other kinds of science function, I signed up my name. Little did I know, by signing up my name on that breezy Summer day meant also signing up my fate to be intertwined to his.
The function consisted of a lengthy presentation and then a small gatherings with the presenter afterwards with free-flowing of those fuzzy bubbly stuff and there were bottles of good red wine. The presentation was fun, the presenter (a renown professor from the equally renown university) was friendly. He was the type of guy that could engage with other people easily and without much fuss--to be honest, he reminded me of one of my close friends during college that I heard was expecting her first this Summer.
Anyway, the topic was a bridge between my interest with the scientific world. You see, our brain function had not yet fully developed and we could not yet crack what good the rest of it would do. Some might said that they could make you into superhuman, but the most celebrated theory in that function was that our brain stored many memories of our ancestors, but we just could not decode it yet. Therefore, the professor interjected that our partially developed brain could be the answer to why we had déjà vu all the time and it could also be related to the explanation of our "past lives"--which, according to my tarot readings, explained that I was a travelling gypsy once. These past lives could have been our ancestors', not actually our own and not actually belonged to our soul, but it passed on to us. Perhaps it could also dated back until the year where the first human was born into this world. No one actually knows. Very interesting, don't you think?

Well, anyway, it was the first time I saw him. All brooding in the corner, being what he was and what he represented. Unlike him, his partners were mingling. Those guys were extremely nice even though they were investigating, just like he did. In fact, think I was the only that he didn't interview that day. Unlike, Sherlock, however, he didn't quite need much of deducing and talk nonsense while doing it. He only needed to question some people and then he found out.
Oh, I haven't told you that he was there to investigate one of the prominent attendees? This politician was caught doing something bad--I forgot what it was--and Seth was hired to do some findings on him. But this politician was off before Seth could get there. It was why the other audiences were being questioned.

Our real cute meet didn't happen in the middle of the gathering, it happened in the restroom. I went back to retrieve my hat that fell off earlier when I didn't notice it and he was there holding it. I knew it was cliché, but I felt like he had this aura that drew me in. We actually talked. I didn't know why I had the nerve to struck up a conversation with that kind of guy--all dark and silent, even though, I admit, it was my perfect kryptonite.

And then, onwards. Since we have discovered that we had the same passion (classical music, paintings and tasty desserts) we got along really well. The first few years were tough, though. His barricades were tougher than those needed to contain the most highly corrupted people on Earth. His walls were too thick, not even the assembly of all heroes in the Universes (parallels or not) with all the ancient magic in the world, could smash them all in one punch. It took me years to decode him. Years of unravelling, only to find another giant roll of tangled mess that needed to be unknotted.
He rewarded me with European trips, going in and out of the theatres, listening to Bach in the middle of the night while eating some leftover croissants, stargazing in the middle of Hyde Park, taking long walks in the middle of Vienna, visiting some of my friends (noticeably the aforementioned friend who was at the time still engaged with her beau), reading many classic novels in some cafes in Zurich, and numerous others that made me love him even more.

He was my equal counterpart. I didn't know that I could find such love. I didn't know I could find such happiness. But this was it.

He was it.
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