Archive for November 2011


Monday, November 14, 2011 Comments Off

Conflicting emotions, her feelings were always been conflicting emotions. Trapping, succumbing, each other in an endless of continuity. Her smiles were always been connected to the tears that fell from her twinkling infinite eyes. Her angers were always connected to the feeling of shame in her clouded mind.
There was nothing funny about being sad, nor was there something awful about laughing, but there she was, smiling and crying at the same time.

you know how you can sometimes feel you are somewhere else when are you listening to particular song? That you are swept away to a series of non-stop memories in your head. A part of us, specifically our memories, were taken away and engulfed by the song, but we can only get them back when we listen to that song, it is a momentary solution of course, as the entire memories are buried deep inside our head with only the song that could trigger it to surface.


Friday, November 11, 2011 Comments Off

Save me from myself, my soul is dying.
My battered soul is longing to be healed by the elegant hands of a blessed magnanimous soul.
My restless soul is worn out, the once benevolent is now waiting for the time when it's finally turn into a void, a dull nothingness in the middle of my blood-fueled flesh. Like a prey, my soul is sure that there will come time when a crow-like death does it job, to eat every inch and fiber of my soul slowly, bitterly, greedily, achingly until everything is consumed inside the endless depth of the pit of death's body.
On the inside, where noone else can see touch or hear, my body is trying to adjust its function as a roof, as the pillars of my body, my own dying soul, are gradually taken one by one. The depth of my despair can no longer be counted. My body is trying to keep my body inside, to stay stronger than my mortal body, helping me to survive the after life, but my soul, though it may seem ageless, is older than my physical being and is dying to be dead. As of now, my body is taking over the spiritual and mental problems, it tries to function normally without the help of my helpless soul.

"Hopeless." my body says. "Doing all of this is hopeless, taking care of myself and my soul at the same time is hopeless. I may be dying as well."
My soul only smiles, it knows that sooner or later my flesh know that it is dying too.
"I can no longer bear this." says my soul. "You should find someone to fill the broken part of me or I will cease to exist."
"But where?" asks my body, my brain, specifically. "I can't see anyone with an excess of soul."
My soul smiles again. "It doesn't have to be like that, find someone who has a hole in other places except his heart, because the valley of mine is null."
"In order to find someone that can mend me, you must see his soul, not his physical being. See it with me. Until that person comes, I'll try to survive, but be hurry, I can see death lurking in the dark side of the moon."


Thursday, November 3, 2011 Comments Off

State Of Soul

Tuesday, November 1, 2011 Comments Off

I wish I could tell you how easy my days went by. How the days of my teenage years went by as smooth as Hollywood actresses' hair. How there was no, in any terms available, bumpy or rough road that I passed by. But no, that would count as lying, as the days I went by were rough and tough.


Because the hole in my chest spread even larger everyday, slowly, but surely and there was no way back, as it spread like a malignant disease. I suppose this disease is one of the main problems the modern days have. Modern society, disregards underdeveloped countries, no longer have problems with physical diseases, no longer have problems with poverty, but instead we, as a new generation, developed diseases that no longer in the state of physical problem, but in the state of human mind. We use drugs as a way to escape our problems in our heads, just like human did in hundred years back. Our problems, nowadays, come from our heads, our own state of mind.

Loneliness, bitterness, feeling depressed, anxiety and all similar negative feelings came from, unfortunately, our own minds. We are the one who choose to be sad, the ones who choose to be depressed, we are our own enemy.

In addition to our often pessimistic way of seeing life, there is also what I called the illness of the society, the bitter rumors they spread. The society, who often bears negative view in seeing life, most of the times influence our minds. The society controls our minds. The society decides our decisions. Therefore, the society decides whether or not we are categorized acceptable in their high superiority they called as community. It is hard to accept the truth that the society controls our mind, that we don't have our own voices anymore.

My state of mind is bitter and cold. The state of my heart is devoid of any emotions. It is ugly how a society can turn a person into. How a society can deject a person who tries so hard to be accepted in the said community. That person is not me though, but it can be any of you out there, struggling to be accepted in a society who thinks that it doesn't need you.

There is nothing inside of me. Nothing.
My heart just does not exist.

In seeing other people, I'm an optimist, but in seeing myself, I'm a pessimist.

Zahira Part III

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"You're what?"
She giggled and started to walk. "You have an awful small range of vocab today. Bye."

The next day, she woke up with a yawn and dried tears on her cheeks. She quickly brushed her teeth and washed her face. Breakfast was out of the question that day, she wanted some tea instead.
"I need to get out of this town ASAP." she said to her kitchen's wall.
She had to tell a lie yesterday, she wasn't leaving for Paris, she was leaving for the big city, the Big Apple. Her reason was to mislead him, so that he thought that she was living la vida loca,

There was a knock on her door, she quickly ran to the front door and said, "I'll be moving out this weekend, sir."
She opened her door, it wasn't her landlord, it was him.
"What are you doing here?" she asked rudely.
"You are lying!" he shrieked. "You are leaving for New York!"
"So? I'm leaving all the same."
"I'm leaving, end of story. There's no happiness for me in here and I doubt I'll have it no matter where I live."
"Would you just listen?"
"What? You want to mock me? I'm tired. Okay, there I said it, I'm so fucking tired." she admitted.
"No! You are--" he stopped and kissed her.
She pulled back. "The hell was that?"
"I love you."
 "Beg your sorry ass' pardon?"
"What? Why?"
"Haven't you noticed? Can't you tell?"
"How can I tell when all you've been doing is only teasing me?"
"I've always been there for you!"
"When? Yesterday? That's barely always."
"When they mocked you, I always defended you. Me. I was the guy that help you."
She closed her eyes and gasped. Scenes from her childhood played before her. He was there, he was always there. Sometimes mocking her, but he mocked her to made her better. If she wanted to be true to herself, which she currently was, he also had always been there, in her heart, hovering slightly behind the darkness pit of the void in her head.

She opened her eyes and saw his worried face, she kissed his worry away from his face. "I love you, too." she whispered.
"Don't leave." he pleaded.
"Never." she whispered back.
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