Archive for February 2012

Lights Off

Sunday, February 26, 2012 Comments Off

The urge to lose oneself in the middle of the sea or in the middle of the forest is unlikely high for me. I find peace in the sound of nothingness, in the depth of the ocean. The loneliness feeling soothes my broken soul. The cold forest aura somehow illuminates and brightens the sorrow pit of my heart. Indeed, both nature capture the cold and pitch black of my never ending bitter heart.


The number of age in my biological body does not implied that the age of my soul is the same. My soul is old, fragile. I can feel the wrinkle of its skin that caused by the damages of the past had done to my head that eventually hurt the once benevolent part of my innocent soul. This invisible thing is no longer innocent. Tainted by the rough and tough parts of life. My soul feels like a ship taking a trip to a black hole. It is both infinite and empty. Nothing and never ending. Patience is running thin. and my ability to holding on is nearing null. The light is getting darker now.

I'm Not Good At Waiting

Monday, February 20, 2012 Comments Off

"Why do you want a boyfriend?"
"Well, I just want to, you know. I want him to be mine."

On the inside, I laughed.
Am I the only one who feel this way? The one who think that every relationships are sacred, not just some toys you can play with and be done with it in matter of months. I am still conventional in that sense. I still think relationships and people's feelings are valuable, not something that can be easily disposed of like books you no longer like or fashion items that are no longer trending. I've always wanted to be in a relationship since I was a bushy-haired temperamental little girl, but not that way, not in a way where feelings are not considered as anything that's remotely important. I've always wanted something real. I've always wanted someone that's real.

The real reason why I want to have a relationship?
It's because I want someone that I can share everything with, and also the first person that I can trust completely without any doubts or distractions. It's because I want someone to take care of me when, like currently, I feel like the world is ending. It's because I've been through shits nobody had ever seen before and I survived, even though metaphorically, my soul is dying and too broken to be fixed. It's because my heart longs to be filled, to be as whole as it was once when I was a mere 3 years old. It's because I want to tell him the whole truth, a person as my own walking biography. It's because, selfishly, I want to feel, contrary to what everyone constantly tells me, like I'm worth it, like I mean something. Like I'm not a disposable person that you can use anytime they want. Like I mean something, not just another faceless stranger in his life. I'm just tired of convincing myself. It's simple, and perhaps some of you think this is too immature and too childish for someone of my age, but... have you been through all the shite I've been since I was 4 years old? Have you?

Remorse

Thursday, February 16, 2012 Comments Off

The glowing radiance of her eyes were gradually thinning and fading away like stars finally rested themselves into an endless continuity of supernova. They were brighter at first, but then degrading away, until you forget how her eyes looked like before. Was it trepidation? Was it tiredness? Or was it something in a whole another level entirely, something, perhaps in some extent and lack of better word, like loneliness? Whatever it was, people could not see the golden twinkle underneath her pair of hazel eyes. Once, she took you away by pulling you into her intense depth of her mind through her eyes, but now, all you could see was only pitch black of void. Nothing was there anymore.

People sometime wondered, was the girl lying when she said she was happy lately? What caused her to be like this? Was her problem that big, making her incapable of being cheerful anymore? And most importantly, most frequently asked by the mindless society, had she always been this way, but maybe people never noticed her, they mistook her gentle everyday self as being happy and without trouble, while in fact, it was all a well drawn fa├žade in front of her face?
Of course, every time they asked, she always answered with a two-finger salute and an ambiguous smile that could be categorized as lipstick-drawn-lips upon your face.

How could someone, with all of her times assuring people that they were, contrary to their beliefs, better people than they thought they were, think that they were nothing? How could someone with so many things to offer, believed that she was nothing but a piece of broken shell filled with emptiness? Was reality so hard that she could not cope with it?

Was all of her feelings gone? Replaced by unshaped vacuum? What struck her so bad? What kind of things that could replace everything? To fill genuine emotion on her eyes, to see them alive again, like they were once (or at least look like what they pretended to look)? To finally see her smiling with her eyes, without any remorse, guilt, trepidation, loneliness, tiredness, emptiness and most of all profound sadness. A lost cause, they said, but worth to try. What kind of thing that can produce such a basic, yet beautiful, feeling? Was love enough?

But who would love her? Who would care about her except herself? Who could build such esteem? Could someone bring her back or make her see that reality is not only filled with sadness?

We all know how hard it is to get back, when you are so lost in yourself and you have noone to hold on to.

Domino Effect

Tuesday, February 7, 2012 Comments Off

Domino effect does happen. To put it simply, what happened in the past affect the future greatly and if one particular process, though may seem insignificant, did not happen then the future as we know it know won't happen. Everything around us is happening harmonically and organized beautifully and rhythmically by some greater being so that something particular can happen in the future. Coincidences do not exist because everything always falls to their own respective places, the reasons behind their fall or why they fall there in the first place may not be comprehendible currently. However, sometimes we might think that things should turn differently or perhaps those things should not turn at all. Although things may presently sound horrible, awful or even insufferable, I always remember that after our sufferings, come incalculable blessings. Some even say that sufferings are blessing in disguise.

I've came across things that do not have any similarities but can unimaginably clash together and make the perfect alignments, something that merely a projection of something spiritual to the term of entirely worldly. Even if life doesn't make sense now, but later, in unpredictable time in the future, though from current perspective it looks very impossible to happen, all will be revealed by the mother nature, making us finally feel content with everything and ultimately, after waiting for forever, we'd be very happy indeed.

"Time and space collaborated skillfully so that you and I could meet. Now, can't that be preciously called as a coincidence?"
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