Admitting

Friday, March 24, 2017 Comments Off

Pre-Admission
Believe me when I say that I have prepared to draw back, or at least, I am preparing to do so. Drawing back from a battle that I know I'd lose even without having to necessary let it play out in front of my eyes. It has come to my attention that I should admit defeat and move on. By admitting defeat, I would let myself free from the burden of waiting impatiently.
I have collected enough of your empty promises to know that you could only provide a sense of intimacy while retaining your distance. But I promised myself to be true, moving on by acknowledging the truth. Moving on by being honest, setting the truth free to the world, all the while asking your kindness by supporting me to move on.

Admission
I deserve a certain degree of respect for being able to admitting the truth, for asking a kind of help that people do not usually ask. But you won't give me any of that. You prefer seeing me confused and helpless, all the while not letting me either apart from or close to you.


Post Admission: Day I
Insanity. You won't let me draw the line. You carried out, expertly I might add, a performance which I fooled myself into thinking this is real. But the only thing that's real, out of the whole act and performance, was your solid presence; neither your words nor your acts were real.

Post Admission: Week III
I envy my three-weeks-ago self. She was happy for having your solid presence in her life, even if it was only for less than twelve hours. But in retrospect, I won't let you play me like you would with your games. You cannot win when I am not playing at all, sweetie.

[Mabella Rehastri]

Flaming Star

Wednesday, March 8, 2017 Comments Off

or, as it has been requested by someone, Paradox in Love

my restless mind is asking for
kindness, and
silence.
but all I ever got from you are
speeding heart, and fire,
and flame, and flame, and flame.

I'm tired of this impossibility;
being in the edge of
romance and
nothing,
with the knowledge that we can,
but we aren't,
with the fact that we could be,
but we'll never be.

Read more »

23 in 32 hours

Monday, February 20, 2017 Comments Off

I'm turning twenty three in a few hours. Or if you'd like to exactly count the hours, then I will be turning twenty three in 32 hours. How exciting.

I cannot remember the last time I feel this jittery, and I know it's not the delicious coffee that's making me this way. It's something else; something is in the air. Something wicked, and unfamiliar. Something that makes me want to simultaneously run away from and run towards. Something different.

But I am still lost, still trying to find a place for myself; aside from this three-seats-too-much table in this quaint coffee shop in my hometown. I long for a place where my thoughts would not run as fast as speed of light, and I would stop being so nervous all the time.

What did I learn by having to come this far, only this far:
I learned that being twenty two, almost twenty three, life passed by faster than you thought it would. But also slower, so much slower, when you are lonely, everything is amplified including time. Half longing for the day your state of loneliness would be amended, but also half wishing that you would make peace with being lonely.
I learned that it felt nice to have someone recognize you, to have them say, 'I see you'.
I learned that you may never find something to replace or fill in the void. You can only learn to live with it, to make it a shelter for something else in order to make it less of a cruel reminder but more of a niche to place broken dreams and childhood naivety.
I learned that you cannot forge and force love.
I learned that your physical presence can disappear at any moment without notice, but you still haunt minds.
I learned that being alone, for so long, makes me tired; the kind of tired that only human interaction can fix.
I learned that when you are starved for affection, attention, and romance, you'll try to get your fix from pretty much anything and everything. Even the ones that would satisfy your tongue but leaves you hungry for more.

I want to end this post with something witty, or perhaps even quotable. But the fact remains, I am lost. And I stop wishing that someone would take me away from this madness.


but for those who are interested, tomorrow I will be releasing essays. please contact me for further info.

Survey Questions: Romantic Love

Sunday, January 8, 2017 § 0

The purpose of this survey is to determine whether or not people have the same idea of romantic love, or is it only an idealised and conceptualised form of entertainment that is shared globally. The subject of this survey is expected to write their age, gender, and location on the top right of the answer sheet as a statistical input.

The subject of this survey (from henceforth will be referred as "the subject") is expected to answer the following questions below with complete honesty and a minimum of ten words for each answer. The subject is not allowed to answer each questions using quotes from movies/tv series/literature piece/magazines/advertisements or any other copyrighted items. The subject is given an hour to complete this survey.

The survey is divided into two sections, please complete each one with complete honesty.

Section 1: Questions
In this section, the subject is expected to reply based on their opinion regarding certain issue. If there is a question which the subject cannot answer due to indecisiveness or incomprehension, please write "unable to answer due to personal reason" in the answer sheet.

  1. What is it about romantic love that everyone wants to taste?
  2. Who branded romantic love so well that it is marketable? To what purpose?
  3. Are we only going to feel romantic love through the means of screens?
  4. Are we inherently seeking for romantic love, or are we only doing it because it is branded all over the world?
  5. Is romantic love a special set of skills that only few people have? If so, is it nature or nurture?
  6. Is romantic love only great if it is a shared experience? If so, why? If not, why?
  7. Do you think you deserve romantic love? If so, why? If not, why?
Section 2: Fill in sentences
In this section, the subject is expected to fill in sentences below. The subject is allowed to write as many paragraphs they want for each sentence. A few of these points require the subject to pick one sentence that suits their opinion the most, please strikethrough the other option. Do not leave anything blank. 

  1. Romantic love is___
  2. Romantic love is necessary for/to___
    orRomantic love is unnecessary for/to___
  3. I was taught/informed by___ that romantic love is___ why it sticks to me and I think it is true because___
    or
    I came up with my own idea of romantic love because___
  4. I have experienced/I am currently experiencing romantic love before and to me it felt/feels__
    or
    I have never experienced romantic love before and I imagine it feels like___
  5. If I have an option, I would like to have a romantic love which___
  6. My life would be more complete if romantic love is/not in it because___
  7. Romantic love is better than/worse than/similar with platonic love because___
  8. Romantic love has/has not let me down before because of its inability/ability to___
  9. The reason why I feel/felt romantic love towards___ is/was because___
    or
    The reason why I've never felt romantic love is because___
  10. The world would be better/worse/the same if romantic love is experienced by everyone because___
When the subject has finished with their survey, please return both question and answer sheets to their intended surveyor. Tissue and hot chocolate will be provided upon request.

Thank you for being part of this survey.

Cliche, I Know

Friday, December 23, 2016 Comments Off

Just around an hour ago, I told my friend that I was going out alone to find a Christmas gift for my friend. The reason why I opted to go out alone, this time, was because of the time consumption and due to the fact that I have not taken myself out for weeks. She was baffled by my choice to go out alone, she called me brave because she was petrified of the thought of being alone amidst the crowd of couples, families, and friends.

I found this a bit funny because people reacted differently whenever I told them that I was about to go out alone, or whenever I told them that I was alone somewhere enjoying my book or writing something or getting my papers done or even just window shopping. The emotions they displayed ranges from surprised and disbelief, though the two of them are not the most extreme. The reactions that I receive always showcases the true nature of their personality.

What is it about being alone that makes people think about loneliness and separation from the cluster of society?

Being alone is supposed to feel liberating. You are allowed to be and feel none other than you are during that particular time and space. You are permitted to use whatever it is in your disposal as means for you to accomplish whatever it is you have in mind during that moment, including not doing anything. You do not have to worry about anything but consuming time. There is no one that could nag you or drag you around. It is a moment where you suppose to enjoy your longtime companion, yourself. The only downside is that you have no one to share with.

Maybe it's also because I grew up differently. Looking back, I am relieved to have experienced certain things in certain ways since I have turned out to be the exact person that I need for myself. I found comfort and companionship being alone, though not necessarily the entire time. My past built me into this person that do not turn away the chances of being alone, the person that actually looks forward to being alone and immerses herself in the situation. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting up with people and sharing everything with them, yet there is particular kind of peace that I crave whenever I've spent days interacting with people.

Currently, true to my nature, I am writing in a well-known coffee shop while drinking an iced cappuccino. Cliche, I know. But this is where I blossom best; where my thoughts are synchronized and not wandering unintentionally. Maybe this is how you define my comfort zone because it's a place that I run back to whenever I want to feel safe and secure: by myself behind a laptop, writing something while people watching. But this is also my greatest weakness. I have come to rely on myself so much that I do not find the concept of other people leading my life for me a pleasant one. My lone journey is still incomplete.

However, this is not saying that I love being lonely. Being alone and being lonely are two different concepts; though both give us equal meaning of feeling estranged, the first one is felt by choice while the second one comes to you inadvertently. I have found myself in the two situations, both simultaneously and separately.

It's difficult to write about being lonely. The first thing that came in mind was "what kind" and "how come". There are different types of loneliness, and I intend to write about that since I have felt most kind of loneliness. We will see how it turns out. Since, after all, loneliness is a terribly unexpected visitor that knocks in the door in inopportune times. It has been a guest in my mind and in my heart for a very, very long time.

I don't think it has ever, or it will ever, left.

Riotous Path

Tuesday, December 13, 2016 Comments Off

Maybe, in the end everyone is the same.

I have always thought that being in your twenty means that you have solved everything in your life. Surely navigating life's tumultuous circumstances would be easy by now since you are legally labeled as an adult after all. Yet, that is not the case at all with current young generation, though calling it current young generation seems like distancing myself from the collective.

This young generation know too much, experience events too soon, overqualified for the listed jobs, and yet, we have to survive under the terms that have been set forth by the people before us. A nightmare for the minds whose needs are to be more than settling in to the life that has been paved by the ones who preceded them. The minds who crave to be more and reach further. With full heart, headful of knowledge, we will never be satisfied with only desk job with passive and slow career path.

We are qualified in terms of adaptability in the modern world, adjusting ourselves to the lives of technology and advanced science; to a life of infinite knowledge and fast-paced information. The life of extreme taking and giving.

But not everything can catch up with the updates, with the knowledge and information and technology. The majority of life is still moving in its own pace; eloquent, slow, but deliberate. The majority of the industry is still trying to revive itself after looking itself in the mirror and seeing something ancient and replaceable; gathering bits of energy and resource to compete with its more current counterpart. What are they expecting if they do not feel like they are not compelled to change.

Not only the industry, the people working behind it are also still trying to smoothly sail the riotous path that is the future. Everyone, regardless everything that builds them as their identity, is questioning where life is heading when everything is delivered in an instant period and consumed within the same course. The world is pulling us apart, trying to disconnect us from the past while throwing us to the unknown future without any warning. Not one person is exempted from this.

This unknown and the fear of it is shared by many, something that, simultaneously, distances and connects us.

her long winded journey home

Monday, December 12, 2016 Comments Off

act I (the disappearance):
she disappeared before winter. the sun was no longer shining brightly, but her skin was still glowing
in tan, in amber, in sweet bloom. a testament to her tropical ancestor.
no longer here, we sought her presence, trying to look for the tropical beauty that was
her soul, her marred and marked soul.
stations after stations we looked after her, questioning everyone and even our own sanity,
was she really there? did we produce shared fantasy of a soul wrapped up in silky tresses and glowing skin?
we were greeted by weeks of collecting stories from eyewitnesses that saw a woman with an honest smile and exotic kindness

act II (the odyssey):
the days went by, slowly. as if the universe was not supporting us in our feat. the longer the day gets
the longer she was missing. seconds stretched on longer than necessary.
we shared the tales of loving her and how it came to be when we fell for her; these were the ways
we conjured her. these were the ways she was alive without her being present.
to the north, the eyewitnesses say, to the north.
how much farther to the north do we need to be until the sky was brightened by her personality again
how much farther until all we got of her is no longer the longing
how much farther until her
the farther we go, it seems, the harder to catch her

act III (the investigation):
it was winter solstice when we caught a glimpse of her. the holidays season. everything was grey,
befitting to the unhappiness that we felt after getting by without her.
we wanted to greet her. our sun, in the north.
oh such woe, we wallowed. the closest we were with her, the farthest we feel. how could she do this,
going farther away from us, farther away from her home, farther away from
the ones that had been nurturing her.
there, suddenly someone said. pointing at a secluded cafe. we could see her holding a cup of coffee
and our hearts in her nimble hands.
what was she doing in this perpetual frost? didn't she know that her heart beat in the same way
the leaves sing in the forest and the ocean greet the beach in the summer?
why would she escape from her precursor? from the lives that were passed on to her through genetics? was there a better home than her past? could she assemble better life than the one that had been presented by her ancestor?

act IV (the answer):
the questions disappeared altogether when we saw her properly:
thriving,
blossoming,
gleaming
in a nest she called home, in a situation she called comfort, in a scenery she called familiarity
in a life she called her own
no one should have denied her any of this
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