Archive for 2017

Bubble Rain

Monday, September 25, 2017 Comments Off

It started to rain again.

The last time it was raining on this part of the island was half a year ago—when the rain could witness us with our lips locked, while my fingers fumbled due to their lack of experience and your hands gripping on the armrests between us trying to simultaneously be closer and apart. The rain manifested a little bubble that defied time and space, any resemblance of reality was rejected. It was, simply, intimacy made life. My trusted yellow bag was a silent witness of the bubble in which there was a you and a me that cannot exist in reality. You were attentive, flirty, caring, observant, and a bit spontaneous, while I was hopeful, giddy, naive, and unready. We were exquisite. We experienced things that logic and reality would reject all at once. But that is all it was. A bubble. Its exclusivity cannot obey the laws of time and space, so it left us bereft of guidance or path. Things are done differently in this realm. We cannot find a dynamic that suits us properly and gives the same delightful feeling that we experienced in the bubble.

Maybe the rain would end the feelings that it started.

Humane to Want

Wednesday, September 6, 2017 Comments Off

It has been long since I last had an exciting day out with myself. It's been too long since I last had a date with myself that resulted in many pretty poems and short stories. I would pretty much like to blame it on the obligation and responsibility of being an employee in an industry that demands your attention 24/7; but I would be a coward if I were to say so. I would be lying—not so much to other people, but to myself. Lying about the reason behind my absence in my own relationship with myself would be counterproductive to its growth. The fact was, simply, I was too tired to care about myself. Sure, I gave myself necessities and attention, but it was bare minimum, a sub par at best. I prefer to give something with more depth, something that actually shows how much I worth to myself. Alas, since everything that has been going on in my life is emotionally draining, I feel like I don't have any excess attention and affection to give to myself to.

It's kind of hard not being able to show myself affection and attention that I deeply need. Especially when I know that I do not have anyone that could provide me with this necessity when I fail to come up with any of both. This inherent necessity is something primal that the world has deprived me of—something that only few fortunate could give and take from another, something that those who experience loneliness or unrequited love yearn for the most, something that these two groups of people know intimately but never seen, felt, touch them properly. How fortunate those who can sate their needs for affection and attention in the hands of people who care for them.

Perhaps I should also reflect on my needs and its requirement for satiation. Though, answer me this my love, is it too much to ask for understanding, honesty, and affection? Isn't it humane to want?

It Could Be

Friday, August 11, 2017 Comments Off

It was: rainy breezy afternoon, messy charcoal linen bedsheet, music softly playing from the record player, lacy panties under worn undershirt.

It was: skin pressed on skin, sighing in contentment was the norm here, vulnerability was treated with amity, diligently rememorizing every expanse with kindness and zero objectivity.

It was: late breakfast with poached eggs on toasts, holding a body whose eyes were the colour of black tea steeped for too long, greedily devouring each others' fear.

It was: unscheduled visit from the neighbor carrying extra apple pie, ignored emails and messages, competitive board game matches, drinking honeyed tea from floral teacup sets.

It was: heating up last night food, arguing over fictional characters, cleaning up the bathroom with lemon-scented supply.

It was: impossibility, rearranged.

A Letter to Stranger: Twee

Tuesday, July 18, 2017 Comments Off

Dear Almost Love,

My office installed a fossball table today and it reminded me of you. I remembered the day you taught me how to play the game, how I failed to score every time and how patient you were to me. It was a simple thing, really, yet I can't forget how you did not ridicule me or dismiss me for being inadequate. To tell you the truth, maybe this is what I've been looking for—this particular thing that some other people are lack of, it's how easily you see me as someone complete though inexperienced. It's funny how I still compare other people to you in the way how you treat me. Is it wrong if I say that I miss it?

Although, I must say, there is this one guy. Perhaps, if you can recall, I have talked about him to you before, almost a year and half ago. Funny how time went by so fast and yet my feelings are still the same, if not more amplified due to certain moments that happened few months ago. What's more is the fact that I even call him your successor in terms of his inability to commit with me, either long term or short term. I don't know whether or not you'd get along with someone like him, but what I can tell you about him is that he can be unbeatably nice when he wants to. His particular type of kindness is exactly what I need—but it only comes sporadically, only whenever he feels like it, the other time, it would feel like he is the coldest, the most insufferable person of them all. He can be so intimately caring, yet he can also act like we have never known each other before. It is not fair to compare him to you, but he cannot be as continuously kind as you.  Also, unlike you, he has given me a few things that you've never been able to achieve. In this regard, he wins, though this is not the positive sort.

Of course, you know me well enough to understand my love for solving puzzling mysteries and knowing intimate details of someone. I want to unravel him, to get to know him further—I want to be the only one who are shared more private, intimate things by him. Obviously, such is dreams.

I know, believe me I know, that it's not healthy to be in this way—to be in the shorter end of the stick where I have to make more effort of the chasing and caring. I know that it is counterproductive to achieving complete self-love and self-respect, a couple of things that I have bragged about recently. But, I do not know which one to blame, my stubborn heart or curious mind?

I will update you more once I have any monumental change between my interaction with him, though I highly doubt it.

I hope everything is well with you, wherever you are.

The one who could have grown old with you

Anything Less

Sunday, July 16, 2017 Comments Off

I would like to start off this post by being grateful for all the things that have happened to me so far—be it decidedly good or bad.

I realized so much have happened to me in the course of six months that had me gasping for understanding, patience, and, mostly, space. Everything that I experienced has been overwhelmingly eventful to the point of me not being able to actually pause and breathe in; a pastime that unfortunately I have taken for granted. I won't talk about the events in great details because some of them involve certain individuals. I will, however, talk about the lessons I have learned for the past months.

Because of these events, I came to a conclusion that self-love is important for positively sustaining yourself against the verbal and non-verbal injuries the world has brewed up for you; however, that is not to say that self-love alone is good enough. I found that self-respect should go hand-in-hand with self-love. Though, I would say, acquiring self-respect is a lot harder than self-love.

Personally, self-love is easier to obtain because it involves feelings that we have been exposed to since young age. Self-love is more organic, more chemical than factual. Its only requirement is unwavering faith and constant support. But, self-respect is different. It is quite harder to achieve due to the nature of its pragmatic demand. Self-respect could only be gained if we are up to our own standards, refusing to indulge in a standard lower than what we expect ourselves to have. Perhaps, this is what I have gained this year.

The journey of gaining it is particularly hard. It is one that I have been in for years, but most of it was not deliberate effort because I did not know that self-respect is one of the things that I have been looking for. A lot of things were involved in this so-called journey—blood, sweat, and tears were the least extreme things that I had to expend. Hard as it is to gain, I've never been more grateful for its timing. I receive it during the time when I truly need it the most. It is something to justify myself to get out of toxic relationships. Self-respect has forced me to improve certain conditions in my life. It has taught me to move myself from situations where people do not give me any appreciation for the potentials that I carry within me or the things that I did in the past; this includes personal, professional, and even, surprisingly, romantic aspects.

Thanks to my newly-minted self-respect, I learned a few other things because it made me assess everything that I have experiences so far. The biggest learning point is how I could use self-respect as a base to assess circumstances in my life—examining them if they are up to the standards in which I deserve.  Self-respect helps me pragmatically assess whether or not I am in an unbeneficial relationship or unsupportive environment. This is not saying I do not put any sentimental value as a factor on anything that I examine, but self-respect puts things into perspectives in ways which self-love hasn't been able to do.

The first big thing that I analyze was of course the relationship that I have with myself. I should be treating myself better without overly indulging my every whims. Previously when I look at the relationship that I have on myself based on self-love, I keep on overindulging because I felt that I deserve more. But with self-respect, I have to truly ponder over decisions whether they are beneficial to me or not; beneficial in terms of mental, physical, and emotional health. I want to treat myself in the same ways that I have foolishly treated some people in my life. I understand now that my priority is the betterment of myself by improving in positive ways and losing all the negative aspects that do not give me any continuous upside. The latter one is the hardest one, I am still learning how to let things go even though my head and my heart know these things are not good for me.

By knowing my worth and treating myself with respect, I understand now what I need from someone (or anyone, really) is abundance of patience, understanding, indulgence, respect, affection, and attention. I realize I should not settle in anything less.

You: Burnt-Orange

Monday, May 15, 2017 Comments Off

You pointed at the burnt-orange building, "That was it, that was the place where I first loved."

I almost cried at that, here I was so focused on imagining our lives intertwined together that I forgot the fact that your life had been tangled in a mess that I do not wish to unravel. I had momentarily forgotten that you had already had your own share of envisioning a shared life with someone else, someone that you could love, someone that you did love.
I did not dare to ask if that building was the first place where you fell in love, or made love to, or even being told that you were loved. I couldn't bring myself to inquire because I knew whatever the answer that would come out of your mouth wouldn't make me happy in any way.
So I stayed silent, inactively persuading you to continue to tell more of your stories in order to be awed by the history of you. For the most part, I wanted to hear how you led your life, especially since you had almost a decade ahead of me.
You rambled on, decidedly not explaining further about the history behind that burnt-orange building. And I had never been masochist enough to ask further. I had already been crushed by the realization that I could never ignite that same passion when you pointed at that burnt-orange building, I could never inspire feelings so strong that you could condemn and worship a building in the same breath.

Collection of Recollection, Part IX

Sunday, April 9, 2017 Comments Off

you don't
worth the weight
you have on me

do soulmates
an expiry date?
time limit

they say
you don't meet people
by accident,
then meeting you
must have been
a predestined scheme,
something that even
the universe has conspired.
or perhaps,
it's just our atoms
calling out to find their kin

all these
imaginary scenarios,
of us existing together
with each other
for each other,
where do they live
when reality rejects them?
unlisted location

maybe this is what
we want from
each other:
that we are not
as harsh, as intolerable,
as difficult, as impossible,
as cumbersome, as unlovable
as we thought we both are

I am addicted to
the way you made me feel;
how you claim
our intimacy,
our connection,
our closeness
as something valuable
personal achievement

it feels like
your soul
trying to
claw its way
out of your skin,
out of life,
out of reality
anxiety and heartbreak

I am collection of:
and questions;
all for you

where does
romance go
when it is not

what's the
of an almost?
a question mark

the saddest part
about us not happening
is the fact that
we can never be
each other's support system,
even though
we, desperately,
and need one

Side Note

Sunday, April 2, 2017 Comments Off

Dear Hofstadter,
We are a side note: something you'd put at the end of each of our biographies. An afterthought. It is there as an additional something to make the story more colourful, to make both of us more relatable; because, well, who would want to be misunderstood? Who wouldn't want to find a passing soul as their mirror?

But that's all we could ever be: a passing. Not something that settles, not something that rests, not something that stays. Only a passing moment in between both of our orbits, both of us blooming and blossoming into spectacular comets. In this vast cosmos, our chance to collide is slimmer than none. Perhaps we are better if we weren't to collide, well, at least that's what I've been trying to convince myself. 

I used to think that we are better off in a safe distance, where both of our own gravity keep us apart but close at the same time; but it would only hurt me. I could have gone off on another path, discovering everything that is to know about the universe while making you just a temporary pit stop. A pit stop which mimics my non-physical attributes; though the big difference between you and me is the fact that I'd crash into your course anytime, yet you try to manage a distance between us in order to keep yourself safe. But, being safe from collision, consequently from explosion, also means that you'd be safe from the bang, from the brightness that could envelop us, and from the fire that could consume us.

There are a lot of things that we could have said to each other. A list full of dismantled truths and kind intentions. We deserve honesty from each other by disclosing our wants, needs, fears, and anxieties.

Maybe all that we could ever be is a casket full of longing and an urn full of what-if scenarios.

Real side note: everyone wants us to explode. Can't you hear them humming around us?

Warmest regards,
Your faithful mirror.

Collection of Recollection, Part VIII: Inebriated 2.0

Monday, March 27, 2017 Comments Off

these pieces were written in order for me to be able to completely flush you out of my system.
it worked.

the first time you kissed me, it was a hurried kiss--as if you were afraid if you didn't consume the moment, everything that we had done up to that point would disappear and we had to start all over again.
the time after that, it was all soft and forgiving. you allowed yourself to be vulnerable in front of me. the best kindness that you had given me that day. 
my expectation for the third kiss was that it would be like me riding a bike for the first time, with training wheels attached. a learning moment for me, but perhaps for you it wouldn't necessarily be, and you would require more patience and understanding than what you have generously given me before.
while the kisses after that wouldn't be able to be counted since, by default, the excitement would recede and sexual intimacy would increase. these kisses would be different, and from each one I'd learn new things.
and there would be a type of kiss that we both would hate. the type that would end it all, whatever it is.
but your kisses—your mercy—only worked for one night
and now, all I could ever hope to receive from you is understanding, giving up our sense of intimacy and kindly retaining your distance.
one merciful night, nothing more

even with my mind,
all lust-clouded
I always knew,
just like you,
that bottle of wine
was never mine

you do not want brutal things—
like falling in love,
clinging your soul to mine,
or maybe needing me,
yet you are giving me
the most ruthless
of them all:
a glimpse of something great
that could only exist in
both of our wanting eyes
and our needing minds
collecting your empty promises

maybe this is how
it feels like to have
your soul caressed,
your mind rested, and
your figure taken care of.
maybe this is what
it feels like to have
someone at my disposal
heeding all of
my wants and needs.
this is how it feels
to have this
temporary thing,
something that
life has deprived me of
our non-date

stealing you for a night,
wishing you were mine to hold tight,
drowning out noises in my head,
collecting enough of your stories to be read,
wanting to be drown in it,
knowing that you wouldn't submit to colliding our orbit,
being unapologetic for asking what I wanted,
accepting the fact I'd always be haunted.
— disassembling

by blurring the lines
between nothing
and something,
you've taught me
something entirely new;
something I hadn't thought
I'd get from you:
loneliness borne
out of learning that
both of us has
the ability to connect
without necessarily
establishing the connection

thanks to you,
I'm inspired to write more:
more heartbreaks,
more almosts,
more unfinished tales,
more what ifs,
though they're nothing new

well... almost.

Collection of Recollection, Part VII

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At the beginning of the year, my dear mother gave me a succulent.
It came in an intricate plaited pot, something that's not customary on other pot.
My mother told me that she would teach me how to grow it—how to see it bloom to its full potential.
It has been three months, and my plant is shriveling. Its leaves are rotting; what were once sturdy, flourishing with life and naively hopeful are now depleted of lush. All that I am left with is pale stem, currently withering from the lack of proper care.
I have tried to find ways to watch it blossom, not only as a decorative purpose, but as a living being. Yet, this trembling hands could never hold anything without breaking.

At the beginning of my life, my dear mother gave me a heart.
It came in an intricate figure, something that's not customary on other people.
My mother told me that she would teach me how to grow it—how to see it bloom to its full potential.
It has been twenty three years, and my heart is shriveling. Its faith is rotting; what was once sturdy, flourishing with life and naively hopeful are now depleted of lush. All that I am left with is pale hope, currently withering from the lack of proper care.
I have tried to find ways to watch it blossom, not only as a decorative purpose, but as a living being. Yet, this trembling hands could never hold anything without breaking.



Friday, March 24, 2017 Comments Off

Believe me when I say that I have prepared to draw back, or at least, I am preparing to do so. Drawing back from a battle that I know I'd lose even without having to necessary let it play out in front of my eyes. It has come to my attention that I should admit defeat and move on. By admitting defeat, I would let myself free from the burden of waiting impatiently.
I have collected enough of your empty promises to know that you could only provide a sense of intimacy while retaining your distance. But I promised myself to be true, moving on by acknowledging the truth. Moving on by being honest, setting the truth free to the world, all the while asking your kindness by supporting me to move on.

I deserve a certain degree of respect for being able to admitting the truth, for asking a kind of help that people do not usually ask. But you won't give me any of that. You prefer seeing me confused and helpless, all the while not letting me either apart from or close to you.

Post Admission: Day I
Insanity. You won't let me draw the line. You carried out, expertly I might add, a performance which I fooled myself into thinking this is real. But the only thing that's real, out of the whole act and performance, was your solid presence; neither your words nor your acts were real.

Post Admission: Week III
I envy my three-weeks-ago self. She was happy for having your solid presence in her life, even if it was only for less than twelve hours. But in retrospect, I won't let you play me like you would with your games. You cannot win when I am not playing at all, sweetie.

[Mabella Rehastri]

Flaming Star

Wednesday, March 8, 2017 Comments Off

or, as it has been requested by someone, Paradox in Love

my restless mind is asking for
kindness, and
but all I ever got from you are
speeding heart, and fire,
and flame, and flame, and flame.

I'm tired of this impossibility;
being in the edge of
romance and
with the knowledge that we can,
but we aren't,
with the fact that we could be,
but we'll never be.

Read more »

23 in 32 hours

Monday, February 20, 2017 Comments Off

I'm turning twenty three in a few hours. Or if you'd like to exactly count the hours, then I will be turning twenty three in 32 hours. How exciting.

I cannot remember the last time I feel this jittery, and I know it's not the delicious coffee that's making me this way. It's something else; something is in the air. Something wicked, and unfamiliar. Something that makes me want to simultaneously run away from and run towards. Something different.

But I am still lost, still trying to find a place for myself; aside from this three-seats-too-much table in this quaint coffee shop in my hometown. I long for a place where my thoughts would not run as fast as speed of light, and I would stop being so nervous all the time.

What did I learn by having to come this far, only this far:
I learned that being twenty two, almost twenty three, life passed by faster than you thought it would. But also slower, so much slower, when you are lonely, everything is amplified including time. Half longing for the day your state of loneliness would be amended, but also half wishing that you would make peace with being lonely.
I learned that it felt nice to have someone recognize you, to have them say, 'I see you'.
I learned that you may never find something to replace or fill in the void. You can only learn to live with it, to make it a shelter for something else in order to make it less of a cruel reminder but more of a niche to place broken dreams and childhood naivety.
I learned that you cannot forge and force love.
I learned that your physical presence can disappear at any moment without notice, but you still haunt minds.
I learned that being alone, for so long, makes me tired; the kind of tired that only human interaction can fix.
I learned that when you are starved for affection, attention, and romance, you'll try to get your fix from pretty much anything and everything. Even the ones that would satisfy your tongue but leaves you hungry for more.

I want to end this post with something witty, or perhaps even quotable. But the fact remains, I am lost. And I stop wishing that someone would take me away from this madness.

but for those who are interested, tomorrow I will be releasing essays. please contact me for further info.

Survey Questions: Romantic Love

Sunday, January 8, 2017 § 0

The purpose of this survey is to determine whether or not people have the same idea of romantic love, or is it only an idealised and conceptualised form of entertainment that is shared globally. The subject of this survey is expected to write their age, gender, and location on the top right of the answer sheet as a statistical input.

The subject of this survey (from henceforth will be referred as "the subject") is expected to answer the following questions below with complete honesty and a minimum of ten words for each answer. The subject is not allowed to answer each questions using quotes from movies/tv series/literature piece/magazines/advertisements or any other copyrighted items. The subject is given an hour to complete this survey.

The survey is divided into two sections, please complete each one with complete honesty.

Section 1: Questions
In this section, the subject is expected to reply based on their opinion regarding certain issue. If there is a question which the subject cannot answer due to indecisiveness or incomprehension, please write "unable to answer due to personal reason" in the answer sheet.

  1. What is it about romantic love that everyone wants to taste?
  2. Who branded romantic love so well that it is marketable? To what purpose?
  3. Are we only going to feel romantic love through the means of screens?
  4. Are we inherently seeking for romantic love, or are we only doing it because it is branded all over the world?
  5. Is romantic love a special set of skills that only few people have? If so, is it nature or nurture?
  6. Is romantic love only great if it is a shared experience? If so, why? If not, why?
  7. Do you think you deserve romantic love? If so, why? If not, why?
Section 2: Fill in sentences
In this section, the subject is expected to fill in sentences below. The subject is allowed to write as many paragraphs they want for each sentence. A few of these points require the subject to pick one sentence that suits their opinion the most, please strikethrough the other option. Do not leave anything blank. 

  1. Romantic love is___
  2. Romantic love is necessary for/to___
    orRomantic love is unnecessary for/to___
  3. I was taught/informed by___ that romantic love is___ why it sticks to me and I think it is true because___
    I came up with my own idea of romantic love because___
  4. I have experienced/I am currently experiencing romantic love before and to me it felt/feels__
    I have never experienced romantic love before and I imagine it feels like___
  5. If I have an option, I would like to have a romantic love which___
  6. My life would be more complete if romantic love is/not in it because___
  7. Romantic love is better than/worse than/similar with platonic love because___
  8. Romantic love has/has not let me down before because of its inability/ability to___
  9. The reason why I feel/felt romantic love towards___ is/was because___
    The reason why I've never felt romantic love is because___
  10. The world would be better/worse/the same if romantic love is experienced by everyone because___
When the subject has finished with their survey, please return both question and answer sheets to their intended surveyor. Tissue and hot chocolate will be provided upon request.

Thank you for being part of this survey.
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