Archive for December 2011

Of 2011

Wednesday, December 28, 2011 Comments Off

I suppose it is time to be grateful. 2011 is one of the year that's very influential for me, for my future. Not only for my present being, but for the unseen future. I suppose, by knowing some circumstances and truths, this year is the most challenging, not only physically but mentally too. This year revealed things about me that I did not even know before, call it cheating, or denying I guess, but I did not know about it before it presented itself in front of me. I looked at the past so many times this year, rewinding the moments of the lost past, finally putting on some missing jigsaw puzzles of the hard recollection of the past. Still incomplete, but finally this whole mess is gradually sorted, but it is still not clear when this disorder will be resolved. After all, Частини були колись цілого. Nevertheless, I shall thank God for unveiling those mysteries to me. Until next time.

Shadowed Figure

Friday, December 23, 2011 Comments Off

I guess everything seems surreal. How the ghosts of my past who were nudging me in my head and blackened my heart. How the ghosts in my head swam their ways to my heart. How there was a demon inside of me, lurking about, trying to take over my head, metaphorically.
Everything feels like nothing. Nothing worths anymore. Nothing feels important to me anymore. Everyday I feel just like a train station waiting for a train, but the train keeps passing and passing. Everyday goes by with a single same structure, I got up, survived, and go back to bed. Each day seems as worthless as the day before and the day after.
In a way, the reason everyday seems worthless is because the things I chase are in the form of material. Perhaps, I am chasing after something that's irrational. I chase after feelings, not tangible things. Feelings are hard to gain, you know? They are precious, precious things. Not buyable. I yearn for things that intangibles. I want things that differ us from androids, I want something that makes us humans. Feelings.
Depression is something human, but to think it over... depression's symptoms are mostly feeling numb or nothing at all, but how can you feel something when you are numb? Pain, sadness, depression and grief are all the things that I feel. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to give me feelings much greater than those negative emotions, I want someone who can ease those away.
I am not saying I cannot survive alone, because I am my own solid ground, but... sometimes I feel like I am tired and enough of bearing the demons alone, sometimes I wish I have a solid ground that isn't myself.
There's this title of a song from the band that I really like, it's called "What Do You Go Home To?", I've asked myself thousands of the same question. What do I go home to? My parents? My brother? Sometimes, perhaps, yeah, but no. I don't have a real reason, a place of where I belong to. A place where I can soothe all of my worries. A home. Yes, my house provides the home-feeling, but no, sometimes this house still bares nightmares and unimaginable frightening thoughts. There's nothing wrong with this house, I know, but there's something in this house, and also the other place I currently occupy, that makes me just want to break down. Want to fall apart, to completely broken down into shattered tiny million pieces.
I feel like a very fragile window glass, it keeps everything inside and on the outside you can see everything is normal, but you don't know what's going on inside, you don't know if there is a series of broken furnitures, torn books, shattered lamps, you don't know the state inside; the window is so fragile, yet so strong, perhaps it's fragile because nobody ever tried to knock the window, to peeked what's inside. It's kind of selfish, I know, for wanting to be noticed. For wanting to have someone to have feelings for you.

I tried to kill what's inside. I tried. So hard. The demons in my head keep playing with me. Sometimes I can't bear it all. I'm so tired. Please, can I have my solid ground now?



Thursday, December 22, 2011 Comments Off

"Have you ever fell in love?" the first person asked with such curiosity.
"Of course I've had! I am in love right now. How about you?" the second person answered.
"Yeah. Once." said the first person. This person's eyes gazed longingly at the darkened sky.
The second person looked at where the first person gazed. "With who?"
The first person did not answer immediately, instead, this person looked at the building in front, pretending to read something and then looked up, staring at the second person's face with sadness. "You."

3 -- 4
A three years old girl with black curly hair, button nose and big blue doe eyes stared at him with wonders. He stared back at her with the same wonders. Her plump cheeks were covered in chocolate fondue. He stuck a tiny finger out and reached for the fondue while licking his lips in anticipation. The boy, who was older by a mere ten months, put his chocolate-covered finger into his mouth and devoured it delicately.
"I love chocolate." he said with a grin.
The doe-eyed girl stared at him curiously, her lips were pursed and then it broke into a smile. "I wuf 'o'olat tow"
If was his first time talking to her. It was his first time talking ever.

10 -- 11
The black-curly hair girl was now ten years old and she was attending a school, a year behind him. She made friends, but none as special as him. He was her first friend, her first best friend. She could talk to him about everything and nothing. He was a living and walking diary for her, and she for him. It was funny, as it turned out, how he was the taciturn kind of boy, but he always gave out the best of advices and he never let her down. His advices were always comforting, like today.
"What should I weeeeaaaar?" she shouted from her closet.
He could only shook his head while doing his homework. "You are only going to a party, not to the President's daughter's wedding. Just… wear one of your dresses."
She stuck her head out from her closet. "But it's Liana's Birthday Party! I can't wear my usual dresses!"
He shook his head again. "Here, let me find something for you."
He went inside her closet, which was small even for a pair of children, and searched for a particular dress. The dress was unlike her other princess-y dresses, it was a summer dress, with a heart-like hole on her back. It was yellow and paisley-patterned. The skirt was in a-line, not that both of the children knew about it, but it made her look pretty. It was a pretty dress and she looked pretty in it, he thought.
When he finally found the dress, he took it out of one of the drawers and then put it in her hand. "Now," he said, "My job is finished, let me get back to my homework, I know you need my help on yours after you try it on. And yes, you'll look dashing in it."
She smiled and let him out of the closet. She shut the door of the closet and changed into her summer dress. She got out and watched herself twirling the dress on the mirror.
"See, it suits you." he said without looking up from her homework.
"I know! Thank you!" she hurried hug him on the neck, causing a small smile and a slight blush on his face. She immediately pulled back and started to hum to the closet to change her clothes.

16 -- 17
"You're lucky you don't have Chemistry with Roberts this year." he said while studying her timetable closely.
She stopped writing on her note and studied his face. "Why?"
"He can't fucking teach Chemistry. He's as lazy as fuck. And as dumb as a desk." he said.
She giggled delicately. "Thank God."
He sat back on her white sofa, she followed him and leaned her head on his shoulder. "Penny for your thoughts?" he asked.
She laughed. "Since when did you care about my thoughts?"
She made an attempt to playfully slap him but did not succeed, he caught her wrist and laced their fingers. She immediately stilled and stared at him with the same wonders like she was three.
"I've known you all my life, I know you." he answered but did not meet her eyes.
Her shocked look turned into somewhat warmth gaze, her eyes softened and she played with his fingers on her hand. "Nah, nothing bothers me. I got you, don't I?"
"You are lying."
"No, I'm not."
"You are."
"You. Are."
She threw her hands up and put them back on her lap, he did not make an attempt to wrap her fingers again so she smiled. "I am."
"In love."
He turned his head and stared at her. "With who?"
"Not going to tell you." she singsonged.
He burrowed his brows and looked at her threateningly. "Tell me or I'll…"
"You'll what? I'm not scared at you. Besides, I'm sixteen, you'll get in jail not only for killing an underage girl!" she said with a mock smile on her face.
He smiled at her. "I know. I'm just making a scene. So… cup of tea?"
"Yes, please."

He hugged her fiercely. "I GOT ACCEPTED IN PRINCETON!"
He pulled back and stared at her with happiness. "Thanks to you!"
She gave him a mock shock. "Moi? Oh my, imagine all the prize… for helping the smartest boy at school? Wow!"
He smiled lovingly, "No, for helping me overcome my fears, depressions… for everything, thank you!"
She hugged him briefly and let him go. "No problem. You always helped me, back in the days, why shouldn't I return the gestures?"
He nodded and pulled her to his car. "Wait wait, where are you taking me?"
"Just go with me, please?"
"I'm not dressed, Fred!"
"Jane, you always wear the best of clothes at school, you are dressed, now please go out with me."
She blushed fiercely. "Thank you, I know, I'm the prettiest at school! Now go get in the car, you are not the only boy that get to date with me today!"
He growled but smiled deeply and got into the car. With a "woohoo" scream from Jane, they off to a restaurant.

18 -- 19
Fred was snoring loudly at his dorm, his roommate was away with one of his dates and the alarm clock was off that day. It was a hot blazing summer Saturday and Fred decided to sleep some more. The term was over but he was invited to practice football and he got a summer job there, so he did not bother to come back and visit his family.
But a family visited him. Jane was standing outside his dorm on her five-inch pink pumps and a knee-high yellow summer dress with an acceptance letter on her hand. She promptly knocked on his door. She received a slight grunt in response so she barged in like she own the place.
"FRED GET UP!" she yelled, somewhat authoritatively.
"Yes, mother." he said and sat up. He blinked once, twice and erupted a laugh. "Jane!"
"Fred!" she shrieked. "You are not wearing any shirt!"
"Oh please, like you've never seen me naked before? Remember the swimming pool when you are three? The water park when you are four and five, and six I guess. You've seen me in all my absolute glory." he said simply but putting on a shirt nonetheless.
She closed her eyes and peeked, when she knew he was done, she opened her eyes and gave him a wide smile. "Hello, Fred."
He smiled back and pulled her into a giant bear hug. "Hello, Jane. What made you come here and visit your old rusty friend?"
She pulled back from his hug and stood up. "Oh shut up, you are neither old nor rusty."
He smiled. "So?"
"Well... I just missed my friend..." she said while looking at the posters on his room. "And..." her fingers traced the patterns of his wooden desk. "I thought I could visit my future Uni."
"YOU WHAT? YOU GOT ACCEPTED IN HERE? CONGRATULATIONS!" he screamed and came to hugged her, his face on her glorious wavy hair.
"I knew it!" he said to her vanilla-scented hair. "I knew you could make it in here! Welcome to Princeton!"
She hugged him tightly. "Thank you! Told you I could make it without you."
He laughed heartily and pulled back. "Can I treat you a dinner?"
She looped his arm. "Why of course, monsieur!"

20 -- 21
"God, I'm so fucked up! What is this shit?!" she asked, pointing a term on her 3000-paged book.
He looked at it for a few seconds and then continued to write something on his notebook. "Did you miss a lecture?"
"No!!! Why would I? I'm not the one who was up all night partying." she scowled.
He nudged her forcibly. "Don't mock. You are the one who doesn't understand it."
"So? What is it? You are my senior."
He stared at her with focus and seriousness. "I have no idea."
She stared back with a blank expression and then laughed wholeheartedly. "Oh, Fred... let's eat dinner, shall we? My treat."

20 -- 21
"Did you see that? Oh my God, did Tracy Jones just made out, no, no, not made out, engulf his face? Girl, get a room." commented Jane's new best friend.
"Oh my God, I think I know the guy." said another Jane's new best friend. "I think it's..."
"What are you guys talking about?" asked Jane, she was just back from the restroom for reapplying her makeup.
Her two new best friends shut their mouths. "Nothing." they said in unison.
"Now, now, a party like this? Things like nothing will never happen." Jane said.
"No, let's get some punch!" said one of her new best friends.
"I want to see!"
"No, Jane, don't. Let's find another party, okay?"
"No!" insisted Jane and she walked in at Tracy Jones making out, her heart just broke into pieces.
She immediately turned back. "No big deal, let's just go get some punch."
Her eyes were stinging.

20 -- 21
"Dude, I just made out. She's so fucking hot. I think I'm gonna... if you know what I mean." said Fred's friend and smiled naughtily.
"Do you mean you just..." Fred lost it. He punched his friend flat on his face.
"She's mine, you asshole! You fucking piece of shit!" screamed Fred.

21 -- 22
"Hey, Jane. I got some good news." said Fred over the phone.
Jane stopped writing. "What's up?"
"I got accepted in a job at London, I'm moving next week."
"OH MY GOD, THAT'S GREAT!" screamed Jane, the whole library looked at her and she quickly muttered an apology.
"But... as my oldest and only true friend, will you come and you know..."
"Of course! I'll go to the airport. Which and what time?"
"Tell you later. I need to get off the phone. Bye."
"See you!"

22 -- 23
"I'm, uh, currently out, so leave me a message and your number. Ciao!"
"FREDERICK JAMES WILLIAMSON ANSWER THE PHONE THIS INSTANT! YOUR BEST FRIEND AND ONLY FRIEND GOT ACCEPTED TO WORK IN PARIS, ISN'T THAT FABULOUS?! Seriously, I'm living my dream right now! Actually I'm already at my flat in Paris, so, this is my number in Paris. I moved in last week, but I couldn't reach you then. Umm... what else? Oh! Mother got an associate in here, she said that he'll take me on a tour. Isn't my life just... fall the way it is? Hang on, I got to--"
"Congratulations Jane Rebecca Clarke, was it necessary to scream? I knew my girl could nail it!"
"Thank you! Thank you! Come visit me please! I know the train ticket isn't cheap, but please if you got time, come and visit me. Miss you terribly, Fred. Hey, you know what? Your accent is a bit British to my American ears. What have you done to my redheaded best friend?"
"Hahaha, I promise, Jane. Look, I got to go... I have this... errand to run."
"Okay, au revoir!"

28 -- 29


The wedding will be held on June 16th 2011
The Plaza Hotel
13.00 until 20.00

"Are you in love?" asked the first person.
"Have you ever fell in love?" the first person asked with such curiosity.
"Of course I've had! I am in love right now. How about you?" the second person answered.
"Yeah. Once." said the first person. This person's eyes gazed longingly at the darkened sky.
The second person looked at where the first person gazed. "With who?"
The first person did not answer immediately, instead, this person looked at the building in front, pretending to read something and then looked up, staring at the second person's face with sadness. "You."
"Jane, I--"
"Don't, Fred." she said with a sad smile. "I'll live. It's your wedding day, please, enjoy it. For me. Please?"
Before Fred could answer, his new bride walked up to them and asked them with a cheery tone. "Hey, two of my favorite people in the whole world, what are you doing in here?"
Jane gazed at them with a smile on her face. "I just told him... if he ever hurt you, I'll kill him in his sleep."
Tracy laughed. "Well, I'm counting on that."
"Excusez-moi, my dears, I have to go back to my date." said Jane as she walked away.
"What was that all about, Fred?" asked Tracy to his husband, noticing his distressed look.
"Nothing, love, just... an old friend telling another secret of hers." answered Fred with an assuring tone.
"Go and get her, Fred, I won't mind. She looked odd."
Fred kissed the top of his wife's head and off with his feet. He asked the guests the whereabout of Jane, but nobody knew. As he saw her driving on the street, he quickly chased her as fast as possible. He could see her sad look and tears were streaming down her face. He could see Jane was trying to reach the stacks of tissue, she got distracted and then he heard the most excruciating sound ever. The crash of a sport sedan with a truck.

28 -- 29
15th June 1983 - 16th June 2011

"Jane, my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping but I shall go on living." said Fred as he stared at her tombstone.

Interviewing Freya Part II

Tuesday, December 20, 2011 Comments Off

Interviewer: Can you tell us more about Erica, please?
Freya: (she sighs) Could you please elaborate your question?
Interviewer: For instance, did she feel a void in her heart?
Freya: (she looks up and forms a watery smile) Don't we all?
Interviewer: Yeah, but can you please tell us more? Describe her void, if it is possible?
Freya: (she sighs and looks away from the camera, her eyes stare longingly to the lake) I can, of course, I can describe it, because I bloody (censored) write it, but to put it on words, (she stares at the camera once and then back at the lake outside the window) to put it on words is just plain hard. It's like... (she stares at her manicured nails and looks away to the outdoor beauty) it's like that lake (she points out), you see, from the outside, it looks pretty, yeah? Like nothing ever hurt it, like a timeless flawless beauty that pinpoint on the Earth perpetually. A perpetual peace point. Something ethereal and eternal. A beauty. But... (she looks longingly at the lake that slowly passes by and disappears) you don't know what made that lake, you don't know what made that lake so beautiful, so ethereal, so... exquisite. You don't know what that lake had been through, like earthquakes, thunderstorms... it had been through hell, but you never know, because you see it as what it is now, nobody wants to know what kind of... misery that lake had been through. It's a lot like her. Erica... (she laughs bitterly) she had been in hell but came back alive, she was more badass than Constantine. She was a beauty. A tough one, mind you, not some plastic Barbie-wannabe from Hollywood land. (she stares at the scenery outside the car longingly)
Interviewer: You are saying her struggles not only made her tough but made her beautiful too?
Freya: (she stares at the camera, her eyes hollow, void of any emotions) Can't you see? She was already pretty, but nobody, and I mean, nobody (her eyes aflame) ever said that she was pretty or beautiful. Nobody ever made her feel like she was wanted. Like she was... a worthy person. She was a magnificent beauty, a state of the art.
Interviewer: Nobody ever told her she was pretty? Not even him?
Freya: That's the beauty of it. He tried, once, twice, hell, he always tried, but he never got the guts to do it, you know? He never got the guts to... just... say that she was beautiful, that she was pretty. (she looks at the camera soberly) This is a lesson for you men, if you like a lady, tell her that she is and always will be beautiful. That she is worthy. That she worth the time you spend with her. Or else... (she stops saying)
Interviewer: Or else what?
Freya: It's not for me to tell, it is for you to find out. You should watch the movie. But here's the thing though, even if people say that she was beautiful, if the people who she cared about did not say the same, then it's a lost cause. Besides, "fat, ugly, no good shit magnet" had already been planted in her head. Since she was a kid, nobody... nobody (censored) appreciated her. I mean... when you are a kid, a mere eight years old, you should be appreciated, you know, to built up your confidence and such, but nobody ever did that to her, all they ever told her was how "fat, ugly, no good shit magnet" she was.
Interviewer: How... poignant...
Freya: (nods her head furiously) It is. Very much. I must say, personally, this is the most honest work I've ever done.
Interviewer: How did she survive?
Freya: You should... watch the movie. (she looks at her hands on her lap and then back at the camera) Or read the book. (she looks at her and fidgets with her ACNE blouse)
Interviewer: I had a source who told me that you picked most of Erica's outfits?
Freya: (smiles at the camera genuinely and nodded) Yeah, I did. I almost overdoing it. (she smiles dashingly) I ordered ACNE, Weekday, COS and lots of others, but the others weren't as expensive as those four. (she shows the camera some pictures from her pocket camera)

Interviewer: Could you please describe her fashion sense?
Freya: Although she sometimes didn't want to admit it, (she smiles) she kinda liked the it-fashion trend that was popular in her time. She wore blouses, printed shirts, button-downs. She wore jeans most of the time, but sometimes, if she felt very confident, she wore shorts or nice dresses. There were times when (she sighs and looks thoughtfully at the building outside as the car passes by, she immediately looks back) she wore all black, when she wore sadness on her outfit. She branded that sadness. There's a quote that I like, she said... she said... "Black is the colour that keeps the darkest of secrets. It holds the most thoughtful memories, the most bizarre questions and the most unknown ideas. It holds someone life. It keeps the fractured nightmares. It's the colour of secrets."
(she shows a photo in her pocket camera)
Interviewer: Wow, that's... deep.
Freya: (she gives the interviewer, instead of the camera, a watery smile) That's what I love the most about her. She... (looks up at the ceiling of the car and then back at the camera with a huge confident smile) was such an enigmatic beauty.

Interviewer: Was she into fashion?

Freya: I say... in a way (she smiles genuinely) yeah.

Interviewer: Is there any more phrases that you like?
Freya: (she looks at her fingers, fidgets with her sheer golden blouse and then looks directly at the camera with a sad smile on her lips) "She felt chill on every inch of the surface of her body, it wasn't from the cold, she noted, it was from her utter profound loneliness", it's obviously from the book. I just... the book is perfect. Everything about Erica is.
(she shows a picture on her pocket camera, a picture that is being used as the cover of the book)
Interviewer: Last question, can you tell us if this book is actually a memoir?
Freya: (starts to cry and looks at the scenery outside the moving car) No comment (she sobs)

Interviewing Freya Part I

Sunday, December 18, 2011 Comments Off

Interviewer: Can you te-- look at the camera please!
Freya: Yeah, sorry. (she giggles) Continue please.
Interviewer: Can you tell us about your newest role?
Freya: (stares at the camera blankly, bites her lower plump lip and twirls a lock of brown hair in her finger) It's about a girl. Obviously. (she laughes) It's about a girl who... struggled. She found contentments in the weirdest places, som--
Interviewer: What sort of weird places?
Freya: Well... you know... weird... (she sighs) like songs, not the kind of songs that girls these days usually hear. More of, like, Nujabes, Nomak... Dela and such... not, you know, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and others... (she smiles) I suppose I shouldn't have told you about the songs, but you know... you can search about them. They are great, those three.
Interviewer: Will do. And the other? The other weird places?
Freya: (bites her lower lip) I don't know... I suppose... the forest? This girl liked to drive to the forest, you know. She liked to get lost in the forest with nothing but her iPod filled with Bon Iver songs and most of Ohbijou records.
She liked to daydream in the most peculiar places, like the religious places and on her father's garage while drinking her mother's homemade lemonade. She obviously wrote, a lot. (she smiles) She was kind of like me, but way... cooler and way tougher.
Interviewer: Why did she struggle?
Freya: (she laughs wholeheartedly, bats her eyelashes and twists a lock of her hair) Don't we all? You see, we all struggle, but her struggles were beautiful ones. The ones that were most memorable. She was a good girl, a great girl. She was a real girl. She handled life by her own, you know. Her parents (she laughs bitterly), her parents didn't recognize her talents, her parents obviously chose her brother over her. She was an outsider who had a lot of friends...
Interviewer: How so?
Freya: (she laughs) As much as she hated paradoxical things, she was living a paradox life. She was an outsider but was friend with the famous. She hated her life, you know the struggles, but she was tough because of that. She hated being lonely, but she couldn't help herself for finding contentment in being alone, because, you know, being alone sometimes can lead to loneliness. She was a living paradox.
Interviewer: You said that she was tough because she struggled, why so?
Freya: There's one favorite quote from a movie that I like, I'm a huge Drew Barrymore fan just so you know, she said in her movie, "What doesn't kill you makes you wanna die.". I guess (she sighs) in a way, this character, Erica, wanted to die, but nothing was strong enough to kill her. I mean, she was (she exhaled sharply), she was a tough one that girl. I've never played a character as strong as her, as... selfless as her. She made people happy and then disappeared from their lives.
Interviewer: Even from him? The leading male character?
Freya: Especially from him. She was, I guess in a way, typical girl. She thought herself as the most (censored) up girl in the whole world. At first, you think she's this ungrateful (censored) that hates her perfect life, but no, because you see the movie started from the beginning, from where it all began. From her childhood.
She was the typical eight years old girl, playing on the park you know, in the gardens, have tons of imaginations, adventurous. That was until people around her, mostly her childhood friends, hated her. Until the end of the movie, nobody, except her childhood friends, knew why they hated her. Her childhood friends were cruel to her, the things they did to her (she shudders) shouldn't be done to and from girls in early ages. That was why she (censored) up. You see, if people told you 'you are ugly' since you were just a kid, you had no option but to agreed, right? Because you think that you are since you were a kid, I mean... that's just (censored) up. Her mind set was 'I'm ugly and nobody will ever loves me'. That was why she... struggled.
Interviewer: So, what you are basically saying is, Erica is a good person?
Freya: Basically, yeah.
Interviewer: Okay... (she nods her head) we'll be back with our interview with Freya Moola on our next episode, keep watching "The Interview".


Saturday, December 17, 2011 Comments Off

She had a small smile dancing across her rosy lips.
A smile of knowing, understanding and, above all, loving. The smile was a façade, hiding her true and only feeling, the kind of feeling that a twentyfive years old woman shouldn't feel, suicidal feeling. 
She knew, it was the only thing that she believed in, that it was her time. Not to die, she supposed, not to turn to the holy one, but to slowly fading away from her current existent to the next kind. To be another person entirely. Much like reincarnation, though she did not believe it wholeheartedly, but not quite, because she faded away from one identity and transformed into another one. She had to kill her current identity. Her time in their lives were done. She should be living another one right now, leaving Tya, her gypsy identity.
Sometimes it got hard, she supposed, because her identity sometimes could turn into her personality, her own self, but nothing mattered anymore. She was done with this life, not quite literally. She was tired of being someone that wasn't herself, but nobody knew the real her, she could make up a personality and call it as her own self. But no, it was time, she thought to herself.

That night, she started to packing up her things. She dyed her hair to her natural black hair, no longer the bleached blond gypsy. While waiting for her hair to dry, she turned on the music and swayed her body and cried. Her already blotted mascara and eyeliner made lucid treks down her cheeks, she kept brushing it away, making smudges across her cheek and near her temples. With her jet-black dyed hair, ruined mascara and black makeups across her face, she looked like a messed up Goth. She held nothing against Goth, after all she had been a Goth once, but she hated the way she looked, so she quickly cleaned her face and changed her attire from long see-through purple gown and knee-length nude dress to a pair of leggings and sweatshirt. She wanted to be comfortable in her own skin then, even if she currently didn't know who she was and what she was.

A soft knock on her door surprised her, she quickly covered her hair with a worn-looking towel and ran to the door. "Just a minute."
"It's me, Mumford."
"Yeah, I know." she gave a hearty laugh and opened the door.
To say that she was surprised to see Mumford wearing a jacket and a pair of jeans was an understatement. She had never seen anyone in the gathering wear anything resembled what he was wearing right now. "What... what are you wearing?"
He smirked. "What are you wearing?'
She smiled. "Answer for an answer, Mumford."
He raised his right hand and softly caressed her cheek. "I thought we are leaving tonight." he said softly.
"I... I..." she began to say. Tears streaming down to her cheek like her unheard voice, her unnoticed sadness.
"I knew it all along, Luce."
He wrapped himself around her, feeling her sobbed even more. "Sssh... I know. I've always known. You are my long lost love. I know. I almost fucking lost it when you said goodbye, when you said the most heartbreaking words I've ever fucking heard."
"What-- did I say?" she whispered.
He cleared his throat and hugged her even tighter, not letting her go, she buried her face even deeper to his chest. "You said... 'My time in your life is done.' That is the most fucked up thing I've ever heard, Luce. Don't ever fucking say that to me anymore. Promise me."
She continued to sob.
He rocked her gently and squeezed her. "Promise. Me."
"I promise."
"Say it."
"I love you."
He smiled. "Again."
"I love you."
"And again."
She giggled. "I love you."
She pulled back to see his face clearer. "I won't ever leave you?"
He smiled. "And I you."

Is It?

Sunday, December 4, 2011 § 0

Is it wrong to feel lonely in the middle of people?

Last night I attended an event with my friends, mostly girls, but there were testosterones attended the event too. The event was stacked with pretty people who wore pretty attires that resembled like those in the 60s and early 70s era, when the flare jeans, colorful button-down shirts, gypsy headbands and uncountable beaded-bracelets were the hippest things you could and should wear. Drawn-flowers and drawn-peace-signs were everywhere. Colourful lightnings, finger foods and hot drinks could be found everywhere.The weather was cold but nothing could prevent the smiles that were spreading like cheap perfumes under hot daylight. I watched people around me throwing their heads, swaying their hips, drawing their endless stock of cigarettes and jumping, at the same time the music never stopped playing.
It was then I felt it.
It was when I was in the middle of people, an unrecognizable song was blasting over the speaker, bright light was all around me and some of my friends were unrecognizable, I felt that I was lonely. My head was dizzy with the realization and revelation that I'm in here all alone. But being alone was nothing if you compare it with being lonely. The loneliness feeling was a full blow and with the cold weather, then I did nothing but plant a wide smile and a pair of eyes that twinkle.
And then it was time to slow dance, it made the loneliness intensified. But the kind of loneliness that intensified was only the one that caused by love, by affection, something that you feel when you don't have someone you share your love with, while the first one, it was profound, utter, inevitable feeling that first found in your gut, that caused that pang of void in your heart and soul, it was there, lying in the dark. It was what I felt. It was what I felt all night. It was something that I wish I could avoid. I have always felt that incurable loneliness feeling in the middle of people in an event. Do you sometimes feel that too?
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