Archive for October 2011

Zahira Part II

Wednesday, October 26, 2011 Comments Off

She turned her head and gave his childhood friend (more like fiend, she thought) an award-winning smile. "My sister's finally a wife of someone she loves, why shouldn't I be?"
He nodded and sat next to her, "But why are you crying?"
"I'm not!" she exclaimed, but her eyes were stinging, begging to let the tears out.
He turned his head and looked at her right in the eyes, he brushed his thumbs to the corners of her eyes. That moment, tears fell from her eyes. He kept brushing away her tears.
"Don't cry..." he whispered.

She cried even more and instinctively hugged him, buried her head on his chest. He ran his hand to her head and to her half-clothed back, soothing her with the gesture. She cried herself out, tears from her eyes soaked his suit.
"It's okay." he said soothingly.
"It's not okay..." she said back.
"Why?" he asked, his hands were now firmly on her waist.
"I'm not pretty, I'm not anything, I'm not her." she said in between her sobs.
"Who says you are ugly?" he asked.
She laughed bitterly. "Like you don't know."
"No... them."
"Oh... but you are not ugly." he said.
"Noone has ever told me I'm not, it's okay. Don't try to convince me that I am, years of... those things, depending on myself, defending myself, standing on my own... I'm already convinced that I shall never be pretty." she said, pulling back from him. Her make up was still as flawless as it was before, no smudges. Thank God for waterproof mascara!

"How could you even say that? You are pretty. You are beautifull."
She laughed a bitter laugh. "But not as pretty as her, not as beautiful as her, not as mart, as accomplished, or as successful, or even just as nice as her. I know. It's always been like that and I don't think it will change, I'm a nobody, remember? Your friends always say that to me and you know what? I am."
"Are you nuts?"
"Now that's something new." she said with a smile.
"What?" he asked, confused.
"Thought so." she said and stood up.
"What? Where are you going?"
"I'm gonna pack my things, I'm moving out of my flat this weekend. I'm leaving for Paris."


Sunday, October 23, 2011 Comments Off

Since most of my nonexistent readers only know about my pains, here's a trivia about me.

1. Weird things you do when you are alone?
Talk to my imaginary boyfriend. Yes, dear world, I still have an imaginary friend. This nonexistent person serves as a nonexistent daily diary, sort of where I talk to when people that I usually talk to are missing.

2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
A lot. I'm not saying I changed to become a better person or a much worse person, but I'm saying that I changed. I became an even more complex person who likes complicated things. I had my ups and downs. But mostly, I became a person who is totally grateful for everything, who is completely blessed and protected. I also think that I'm half-independent (is there such thing?)

3. What kind of person attracts you?
They have to understand my quirks and traits and different perspective. They also have to understand my tendency to be alone in the middle of sea of people and my tendency to be weird, sometimes. They also have to understand my moody personality because I like to be happy one minute and the next I can become suicidal. They also have to have stories to tell everyday. I befriend with ladies who are not afraid to speak their minds, who are independent, who are not narcissistic and who don't climb on that social ladders. As for the men, they have to have seriously wide knowledge of every subjects, easy to talk to, real true gentlemen.

4. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
I'm proud to say that I'm single and content with it. God loves me all too much because God doesn't want me to have series of broken hearts that caused by wrong and failed relationships. God loves me all too much that God wants me to be happy alone and independent. It gets lonely sometimes, I know, but perhaps this loneliness will be totally and completely cured by someone someday. Perhaps God knows I'm not ready to have a serious relationship but God knows that I don't need fatal relationships that only led to heart aches. I also think that God wants me to focus on my study so that I can fulfill my dreams. God loves me all too much. I'm blessed.

5.  10 things about you people don't really expect.
I can annoy people if I want to. I can be a totally fierce bitch, if you cross me so watch out. I like songs that people usually don't listen to. I wanted to be a designer (be it architect, interior designer, etc.). I want to have a boutique someday. And my own apartment. Yes, my curly hair is real/natural. I don't have any fashion personality, I can be a goth one day and then be a cheerleader the next. I still have an imaginary friend. I like to dilly-dally things.

6. 10 ways to win your heart.
Desserts, I love desserts. Make a drawing for me. Take me as I am. Listen to my stories intently and respond. Listen to my ramblings. Read my stories. Try to like my taste of music. And try to not be mad if sometimes I can be a straight moody bitch. Respect me. Understand me.

7. A quote you live by.
"Veuillez veiller sur vos reves" which roughly translated as "Don't let your dreams fall asleep". It is a song actually, by John Banzaï and Les Nubians.

8. A Celebrity you share a birthday with.

That's all for today. Can you tell that I'm positively bored?

Zahira Part I

Monday, October 17, 2011 Comments Off

She shone a smile to everyone. Her eyes twinkled beautifully, hearing people say things around her. She occasionally laughed when they laughed. Sometimes she also commented their gossips and talks, although from time to time she glanced around the room because she didn't know what they were talking or because she just didn't want to participate in the conversations. After her companions and her exchanged goodbyes, she went back to her own apartment. When she was safe within the brick walls of her loft, she broke down into tears. The tears streamed down fast and were hot to her cheeks, she laughed bitterly between sobs.

Tonight was the bachelorette party for her dear older sister and she was the pointed host. She decided the party was themed as scavenger's hunt because they went to one club to another, dancing until their feet hurt. The last place they visited las night was a 24-hours coffee shop and they talked their hearts out while sobering up with some coffee.

It all started with her sister's best friend spotted one of her childhood crush in the coffee shop and they all went frenzy. They talked about their childhood crushes but focused on her sister's love life, like ow fortunate and lucky her sister was for having a guy she always wanted to be with and how great her sister's love life was. She smiled to all of her sister's friends, looking somewhat knowingly and understandingly, when deep down inside her soul she felt sour throbbing ache.

She never had a boyfriend. She was in her early twenties and she never had one while her sister had her first and only boyfriend already had one when she was eight. She had never tasted any love, while her sister always had. She felt sick. She felt unloved.

After she gave away bitter laughs, she cleaned herself up, drank some water and dragged herself to bed.

She woke up after lunch with a bit headache here and there. She straightened herself up and went to the bathroom. When she finished dressing up, she went to her sofa in the living room. She stared at her furnitures and started to think about all of her sister's friends' comments last night.
"Your sister was the Prom Queen, the Homecoming Queen, and lots of other."
"He truly is her soulmate, she wanted him, he wanted her, she loves him, he loves her and now they are marrying each other."
"Hey! Don't talk like I'm not here, but it's true, he's my soulmate."
"Of course you both are soulmate, you finally be with each other legally. I mean... you've been with each other since when? Thirteen? What you both have is far more than love and magic."

She bit her lip. Her head was killing her, not because of physical pain, but her own mind. Her own mind was making her numb, she hated it. She cried again and wanted to scream her lungs out. Everything hurt her then. She wanted to cease to exist. She was by no means ugly, her cousins assured her that, but noone had ever called her pretty either. She was not the smartest girl of the school either, let alone her own age. She felt like she had no personal noticeable trademarks. She was normal noone, she could blend unnoticeable in the middle of the sea of people. Sometimes she used it as advantages, often she didn't think about it, but on occasions, especially right now, she felt like it was the most fucked up thing in the world.

Her sobs began to decrease. Her eyes gained clearer sight. Her throat was sore and there was a sickening feeling inside her nose. She sighed and went to the bathroom to splash some water on her face. She stared at her reflection on the bathroom mirror.
"My only true friend is my own reflection." she whispered.

The next day at her sister's reception, she sat at one of the chairs, watching people happily dancing with each other.
"Are you happy?" came a voice behind her.

Sweet Sweet Slumber

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Specks of light made their ways from the closed curtain, the light felt warm. I sighed while peeking from behind my covers, it was the sun. The light blended beautifully with the colour of my room, beige walls and dark brown furnitures. I sighed again and stretched my body. As I was gaining clearer sight, I noticed that the light was not yellow, it was orange. Was it really the sun? I peeked again to confirm the light really was from the sun. It was. This only meant... it was already afternoon. My eyes reflexively searched for the clock on my wall, it was already five p.m. Was I so tired that I overslept?

No, I said to myself while shaking my head. I was not tired. I was unhappy. I was lonely. I was unhappy, lonely and bitter. I did not care one bit about anything currently. Problems were weighting me, pushing me down to the point of oblivion, making me know nothing but sweet sweet slumber. I was lonely.

Blurry Figure

Thursday, October 13, 2011 Comments Off

You are always there, around, lurking in the shadow as a blurry figure.
You always been there actually.
People say you are mysterious and weird,
People say you are never here, but in actuality,
you are always here.
They really don't know how much effort you've always put in your life.
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