Archive for October 2010

No Clue At All

Sunday, October 31, 2010 Comments Off

maybe those coincidences is God's ways to tell me about something. about something big. but God just doing it with those maddening coincidence and overwhelming sadness. within those coincidence, I just realized, lie few of the greatest life lessons in my life. and sometimes I had or bought something, that I thought had no relation whatsoever with things that are commonly presented in my life, that related with this thing that is currently happening in my life. its like the world is saying, "no, bitch, you can't hide from it."
or maybe they are saying something like, "bitch, we are going to tell you something, but its not in an easy way, rather painful one."
or maybe, "you can't fucking hide from us, even if you try."
I always think to myself, why don't I move to some secluded private in the middle of nowhere place? place with no connection to the world at all. place where I can find my peace of mind. I know where, there are some possible choices, but... I have my doubts. and then today I read something on this lovely book called "Manusia Langit", the main character described that wherever he go, even to that very secluded place where there's no electricity, things still haunt him. its like the world is saying, "you can't hide from it wherever you go."

current love: Dumbfoundead, Retail Therapy's In House Therapy, loooong night, Dewi Spa's Virgin Coconut Oil body lotion, NN:02 Racer Tank Dress, Jeffrey Campbell ankle boots, city escape, Donnie Darko, Manusia Langit, Defying Gravity
current hate: short night long day, extra classes

Truth Is Not Overrated.

Monday, October 25, 2010 Comments Off

Lost Found. Lost Found. Lost Lost.

Friday, October 22, 2010 Comments Off

I'm going to feel this blog with love and happiness from now on, but I know I'd be lying with myself if I say that, but what can I do? writing sad stories is easier than write happiness. because you can't bundle happiness and write them, because it will outburst and will have an impact on other people's life. and currently, there's no words that I can write about happiness, although maybe I will. I don't know what I could be happy about currently, fall in grades? tiring weekdays? monday mournings? I'm only grateful, but not happy. I passed everyday with only false hopes and dreams and my usual everyday things (read: coincidence, de javus, lypophrenia), so life is pretty much boring. nothing + my usual everyday things = sadness. oh well.

my current love:
  1. epic jackets with scribbled of words on the backside. like random words or madness psychedelic art.
  2. maxi dress or skirt, preferably in tan or tribal or stripes or just patterns.
  3. plain bleached jeans jacket.
  4. anything in warm autumn colour.
  5. leather bag. in any colour, except neon ones.
  6. tribal things, especially dreamcatcher.
  7. men in those tiny v-necks but not low necks one with leather jackets and/or plaid button-downs. himhimhimhim.
  8. men in boots.
  9. men that are smartly good looking and good-lookingly smart.
  10. 2NE1. listen to them. mind blown. they're no typical Korean only-can-bulimic-and-only-can-makeup-no-skillz
  11. Park Bom of 2NE1, she's so my role model.
  12. Sweden, but this is forever love.
  13. Mumford & Sons' Little Lion Man and White Blank Page.
  14. Julie Delpy's An Ocean Apart
  15. Aimee Mann's One
  16. Weekday products, especially: thisthisthisthis and this
  17. THIS GUY. THIS GUY. he's so much better with his hair shaved. please look at the photo caption of the second photo. minta dibawa pulang tau gak pas dia di Banda Aceh. oke fine.
that is all. Vi ses.
him photos: [glabalaba]. [parisheroinstars]

Rob. Part I.

Sunday, October 17, 2010 Comments Off

After he left, he texted me.

From: Armaan

To: Armaan
Sorry mate, I didn't mean to do that you left when I barely started.

From: Armaan
Really? like there's good side of that fucking story? Story of her leaving me?

To: Armaan
Hey, chill. I know where she is, I know where she went. What I told you was only the part when she was leaving.

From: Armaan

To: Armaan

From: Armaan
Sorry man its just that the girl that I fucking love to death isn't here, she's missing, she's not around, she's not here. I need her man I need her.

To: Armaan
Cut off the attitude man I know you're sad that doesn't mean you can just say fuck off to your friends and treat them like shit, she moved two towns from here called "Vageu City" ever heard about it? Its some secluded city and the people there are high as shit, know what I mean?

From: Armaan
Heard about it, what do you mean by high as shit?

To: Armaan
People there are just insane you know they high all the time, but they don't do drugs they're like hippies man. Insane

From: Armaan
I'm gonna find her

To: Armaan
Now hold on, don't you ever think I'm gonna let you to that insane place without backups you need me man, you need your friends you need to be invited to go to that place

From: Armaan
The fuck did she do to get invited here? Shit I'm gonna find her, tomorrow I'm gonna be at the cafe and you guys should be there at 9 or I'm gonna go there on my own

To: Armaan
She didn't do nothing, her cousin own that whole fucking town, she just went there easily as I went to a club. When you go there, its like you go into a fucking different country, hell a fucking different life, like you got high and went to some wonderland for high people with guns, thats why you need to be invited, look I know a guy that can let us in, but first got to have guns first and learn how to use it, its not some fun town we are going

From: Armaan
My uncle's can get us guns and how to use it, how many?

To: Armaan
Whole fucking brotherhood Maan

From: Armaan
Sure they in?

To: Armaan
Uhhuh, we are your brothers we got your back

"You're Dead."

Saturday, October 16, 2010 Comments Off

the world is slowly killing me day by day, I started to believe that the term death has lost its meaning. like the term death does not only apply to people who doesn't have heartbeats anymore, but it also applies to people who don't feel like they actually living their breathing lives.
but what is living your life anyway? does that mean you have to be spontaneous like that man Carl from Yes Man movie? you have to say "yes" to everything? or does that mean you got to take all of the opportunities you have in your life? does it mean that you ought to be happy all the time? or does it mean you got to be true with yourself? and love yourself with all your heartbeats? we forgot the meaning of living our life.
I wish I could do this. I could be careless and just be happy all the time, or just... live. but, truth to be told, minus the studying and the school things, I do live. I do smile a lot. I do laugh a lot. I do laugh until my jaw hurts and my stomach can't hold anymore. although... at times like this... when I'm alone with myself, at night, with nothing to accompany me but rubbish movies or old songs, I get very depressed and sad. lypophrenia, saudade. all of those things. I can barely breath. those things keep occuring over and over again, at least three times a day. and those events... are being represented to me. I don't understand why, I don't understand what's the point, the goal from they are trying to achieve by making me insane 24/7. this is mad and sick, even for me. I wish I could just escape. but what can I do when noone believes me and noone trusts me and noone loves me.

Armaan. Part I

Friday, October 15, 2010 Comments Off

I was sipping my coffee in the usual cafe, it was nice, and the weather, for the usual rainy day, was very breezy but warm. Wind was everywhere. The site from inside of the cafe was ecstatic. The street wasn't crowded with the usual people that stroll around the flea market, a few groups of tourists and nothing else, unusual day for this city. The baristas were very nice to me and the waitress was actually being nice to me.

From where I sit, I could see the whole street without even have to move, but I believe that the people outside can't see me, so it wasn't weird for me when Rob couldn't see me when he first came inside the cafe. He was, as usual, wearing his flannel shirt and black jeans, there was something in his eyes that I can't see but I know it was there, somewhat loneliness and sadness with a hit of desperation. I whistle when I saw him searching for me and he smiled and ran to where I sat.

"'Sup, man?" I greeted.
"Good good, hey listen, mate, there's something I gotta tell you." I eyed him suspiciously.
"Remember when you said to me that you missed her so much and you need to know where she is?"
I nodded and put down my newspaper. "Well, I know where she is,"
"Where?" I immediately sat straight and became aware for only his voice, nothing else mattered.
"D'you remember where you last seen her?"
"Yeah." I nodded. "It was on the corner of Lucid Street when she said goodbye to me, it was the last time I saw her. She was wearing her usual floor-length skirt, looking gypsy as always. That was... the last time."
He nodded gracefully. "Well, there's somethin' I gotta tell you. She... left."
I felt as if a shocking lightning strike through my very soul. The girl that I love, she left. I swallowed hard. "How? When? Why?"
"Why, I don't know, but when, it was four a.m. yesterday. I di'n't notice it first but she looked like she wasn't very happy the night before, I figured that there was problem with you, yeah? Cause I barely see you both together anymore, so I di'n't bother to ask, cuz, I mean... she got problems with you, not me, we are best mates, but I ain't gonna mess with your shit. I heard some noise and I was half-sleepin' and I saw her standing in front of the door an' ready to open them, but I di'n't say anything, cuz, I thought she was just trippin' or somethin', not sayin' she is, but I thought she was daydreamin' an' all that shit. But thing is, she looked like she was in deep shit and ready to leave, so I was like 'Okay, fine, she's gonna leave.', but then I saw vaguely that she kissed me goodbye on my forehead an' the rest of the tenants in the loft, I saw this cuz there was huge party goin' on in our basement an' to get out of our loft you should go through the basement an' we were asleep, well, they were, I was half-asleep. As she opened the door, I saw she was smiling and then she left."

I didn't know how to react the information. How to digest them. The girl that I love, that I want to marry, the girl that I saw as my bride, that I just introduced to my parents, that I promised the world for her, left. She left. Left. Left me. Why.

"Why didn't you stop her?" I asked.
He lit up a cigarette and started to smoke. "Everythin' went too fast, man. I can barely recall what she said about you when she kissed me."
I wanted to punch him right then and there. He was my best mate, but I couldn't believe that the last person she kissed goodbye was him, not me. The guy that would give everything in his world just to be with her, why not me. "What did she say?" I managed to ask.
"I forgot mate, but there was your name an' 'sorry' an'... shit forgot. Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I remember, but don't kill me for sayin' this, yeah?"
I nodded. "Go on."
"She said, 'Tell Armaan I'm sorry for leaving in a hurry, I just can't take it anymore... bla bla bla... I'm moving on. It's not us, it's not me, it's not you, but all those things that keep happening to me always haunting me wherever I go, so I need to leave, cause I can't take it anymore.' or somethin' like that. She di'n't say where she wanted to go, only left."

I punched the table, left my money and went back home, leaving Abdul's mouth hanging open.

Between Vienna and Paris.

Thursday, October 14, 2010 Comments Off

Script from Before Sunset that I like

"we all see the world through our own tiny keyhole, right?"
"he says that we are the sum of all the moments of our lives, and that, uh, anybody who sits down to write is gonna use the clay of their own life, that you can't avoid that. So when I look at my own life, you know, I have to admit, right...that I've... I've never been around a bunch of, a bunch of guns, or violence. You know, not really. No political intrigue or, uh, helicopter crash, right? But my life, from my own point of view, has been full of drama, right? And, uh, so I thought that if I could write a book that...that could capture what it's like to really meet somebody. I mean one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to me is to really meet somebody, make that connection, and if I could...make that valuable, you know, to capture that, that would be the attempt."
"You know, happiness is in the doing, right, not in the... getting what you want"
"He's there in both moments simultaneously. And just like for an instance , all his life is just folding in on itself and it's obvious to him that time is a lie... uh...that's it's all happening all the time and inside every moment is another moment, all...You know, happening simultaneously."
"it sounded vaguely familiar"
"Céline: Yes, you remember that?
Jesse: Yeah, I remember everything."
"Céline: No, everyone wants to believe in love. It sells, right?
Jesse: Yeah,"
"I don't know, just...being part of someone else's memory. Seeing myself through your eyes."
"Céline: I always assumed you had forgotten me.
Jesse: No, I had a pretty clear picture of you in my mind"
"You know, everything is irrevocably screwed up"
"Jesse: You know, I mean I think the world might be getting better because people like you are educated into speaking out. Even the very notion of conservation, environmental issues, those weren't even in the vocabulary until fairly recently, you know, and now they're becoming a norm, and eventually might be what's expected all over the world.
Céline: I agree with what you're saying, but at the same time, it's dangerous. An imperialist country can use that kind of thinking to justify their economic greed. You know, human rights..."
"Right, I, for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, racked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older, my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them"
"So, all I've been doing was...walk around, think, and write. My brain felt like it was at rest, free from the consuming frenzy. And I have to say, it was almost like a natural high. I felt so peaceful inside, no...strange urge to be somewhere else, to shop...Maybe it could have seemed like boredom at first, but it quickly became very, very soulful. It's interesting, you know?"
"Céline: Yeah, but I feel really alive when I want something more than just basic survival needs. I mean, wanting whether it's intimacy with another person, or a new pair of shoes, is kind of beautiful. I like that we have those ever-renewing desires.
Jesse: Well, maybe it's just a sense of entitlement. You know, like whenever you feel like you deserve that new pair of shoes, you know. It's OK to want things as long as you don't get pissed off if you don't get 'em. Right? Life's hard. It's supposed to be. If we didn't suffer, we wouldn't learn a thing, you know?"
"All the warmth was gone"
"Memory is a wonderful thing, if you don't have to, uh, deal with the past."
"Yeah, I don't think anybody does; people don't want to admit it, but it's like we just...we have these innate set points."
"As soon as people got used to their new situation, they were more or less the same."
"So, you’ll now be forever depressed, no matter what great things happen in my life?"
"There's a…an Einstein quote I really, really like. He said, um: "If you don't believe in any kind of magic, or mystery, you’re basically as good as dead.""
"Yeah, I like that. I've always felt there was some kind of mystical core to the universe. You know that…More recently, I started to think that...that know, my personality, whatever, that...I don't have any permanent place here. You know, in eternity, or whatever, you know. And the more I think that, I can't go through life saying that this is no big deal, you know. I mean, this is it! This is actually happening. What do you... think is interesting, what do you think is funny, what do you think is important? You know, every day is our last."
"You know, I think that book that I wrote, in a way, was like building something. So that I wouldn't forget the details of the time that we spent together. You know like, just as a reminder that...that once we really did meet, you know, that this was real. This happened."
"I’m happy you’re saying that because...I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like this! You know? People just have an affair or even...entire relationships...they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have...their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship when it ends really damages me; I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved hurts too much!"
"I think I...I wrote it in a way to try to find you."
"I guess when you're just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times."
"Céline: Well, the past is the past. It was meant to be that way.
Jesse: What, you really believe that? That everything is fated?
Céline: Well, you know, the world might be less free than we think.
Jesse: Yeah?
Céline: Yeah, when given this exact circumstances, that's what will happen every time. Two part hydrogen, one part oxygen, you'll get water every time."
"I don't need a man to feed me but I still need a man to love me and that I could love, you know. "
"It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it's like...I don't believe in anything that relates to love. "
"Reality and love are almost contradictory for me"
"The concept is absurd; the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...EVIL!! RIGHT??!!"
"You know, I guess I've been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts I make no effort…because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out."
"You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain"
"I'm so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as... know, I'm detached, but I'm... I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I'm so numb. I don't feel pain, or excitement. I'm not even bitter,"

Juniper Zarina. Part I

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 Comments Off

I don't recognize myself anymore lately. Part of me dying slowly each day, like those groups of ants that take out parts of their food slowly and deliberately, as if they want me to have a slow death, painful one. I am not pleased. I am not fine. Who could be fine in these moments? When they love someone so much but they don't know who they are.

He's always vaguely there. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he's doing right now. In bed with other woman? Or maybe having late lunch with his beautiful girlfriend. I don't know. I barely know him. I barely remember his face. But he keeps coming, you know. Like unexpected parcels over the holidays, or maybe like raindrops in the middle of hot midday. I don't like this. I really don't. People always tell me to get a bloody move on and he really isn't there and I won't be stuck with this. As if they know him. As if they know how lovely he is and how... all of my expectations on men, all those qualities can be found in him. But where is he? He promised to be here.

"Are you even real?" sometimes I asked to him. And he would laugh, "Why?"
"Because you're perfect."
He smiled to my forehead, "No, I'm not. I'm just a normal human being."
"Are you sure?"
"Perfectly." he said with his assured tone.
I laughed at him. "You're not some biologically engineered robot or something, because I think you're too good to be true."
I could feel his hold tighten. "No... I'm a normal being."
"That's what I love about you, you're... normal but perfect."
"You're..." he stopped and took a breath, "Perfectly mine. Noone else's lady. I don't want anyone else to have you, you know..."

Bullshit. Boys and men, they all tell the same lies, with different arranged words. I don't trust words from boys. All they only give you is false hopes. They all wear the same mask, lies and false hopes and broken promises, so that they all can get what they want. But, I don't know what he wants from me. What he wishes he can get from me. What he's hiding. I can't tell. Because I only meet him once in few months and its frustrating me. My life is frustrating enough without him.

Lolita. Part I.

Monday, October 11, 2010 Comments Off

"You're listening to 111.0 Empire FM with me, Liam . How are you doing? Me? I'm doing so great I could fly. Wanna know why? Because I got three Au Revoir Simone tickets for you, all free. What you should do, though, is to answer my question: What is the song that I'm playing on right now?"

She smiled knowingly. Not because she liked his voice, Liam's voice, she didn't like Liam's voice, a bit too rough, she thought. The name of the song was Stars.

"Got it? Text them to me as fast as possible and then I will announce the winner right away, and those three lucky winners can each have one of these three tickets. Hurry, cause there are lots of competitors."

She squealed and quickly texted the answer to the Radio Station's number.

"Anyway, while waiting for your texts, I'm going to play another song of Au Revoir Simone. Oh and don't forget to mention your full name and age."

"So, here we go. The first three fastest and luckiest people are: Ruby, Poppy and... wait for it... Lolita! Congratulations for the three women that are going to watch the also beautiful trio women. Please text me your full name, age and address; and then I will tell you how to get these also beautiful three tickets. Thank you."

She squealed in delight. Her! Going to watch one of her favorite groups. For free! She quickly jumped out of her bed and ran downstairs to meet her Mum and ask for permission, but as she always said to herself, "If I got the ticket, then bloody hell with Mum's permission," but she ask for one anyway.
"Muuuuum?" she said.
"Yes, sweetie? In the bedroom." her Mum called.
She ran to her mother's bedroom. "Mum, mum!" she said when she entered her mother's bedroom.
"Yes sweetie?"
"Mum, I got one ticket to watch Au Revoir Simone, please please can I come?"
Her mother looked at her suspiciously. "How. exactly, did you get the ticket?"
"From the radio."
"Okay, fine, but please, ask someone to accompany you, preferably someone older and can handle you and also more responsible than you. Like your cousin, or maybe Bill."
"Biiill? Mum, please, I'm seventeen, could you please... like, I'm old enough to watch a concert by myself. Gosh!"
"You're only seventeen, honey. You still need a parental guidance, for another year at least."
"Okay, fine. Pick anyone, except Bill. And I have my own ticket and its free, so you should buy the person's ticket."
"Bill or not at all." her mother said with the look in her eyes.
She put her face in her mother's pillow. "Okay fine!" she said through the pillow, "But I don't want him to follow me all the time,"
"Okay sweetie, that's a deal."

Waiting For The Sky To Give The Answers

Saturday, October 9, 2010 Comments Off

I wish letting go is easy. I wish letting people out of our life is easy. I wish this maddening coincidence would just stop. I wish the unanswerable questions can be answered. I wish the point of being alive is just happy but with little of sadness to appreciate our happiness. I wish the point of working hard is going to be repaid. I wish leaving someone is just as easy as loving someone. I wish getting back on our feet after falling into deep state is just as easy as we fall. I wish I have a cure to this thing that slowly killing me day by day. I wish I know how to stop being in grief. I wish I know how to stop being brutally sad. I wish my life would stop being a pain in the ass. I wish I could stop complaining. I wish the answer is as simple as one two three. I wish people know how hard it is to love someone that is just vaguely there. I wish people would understand how actually sensible it is to miss someone that only exists in your mind and your memories, but fade away in real life. I wish people know how to stop being so damn critical. I wish I know how to write things beautifully. I wish I know how to stop biting my nails. I wish I know how to understand this feeling. I wish my mother know the answer. I wish my dad know how to cure this. I wish I know how to let people to know this feeling of mine. I wish I know the meaning of things that are being presented to me over and over again. I wish someone would love me even if they know things about me. I wish people could show their real thoughts like the clothes they are wearing. I wish people would stop bugging me with all those maddening things. I wish people know how to please me even just for a while. I wish people know that waiting for something that doesn't actually there is just like waiting for a train to the moon. I wish human personality isn't this complex. I wish I could live each day with smile plastered all over my face. I wish simple crying can wipe all of your memories and solve all of your problems. I wish I'm one of those girls who giggle all the time and know nothing but to shop and spend all of their dads' moneys. I wish I'm one of those girls who study very hard and got straight A's all the time. I wish I'm one of those talented girls who can paint, play instruments, who only think about art things. I wish I could be one of those performers that only think about their performances. I wish I could be in love with the right person and the right time and the person that will always be there for me. I wish people would just let me move to Sweden. I wish I could stop complaining.

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