"You're Dead."

the world is slowly killing me day by day, I started to believe that the term death has lost its meaning. like the term death does not only apply to people who doesn't have heartbeats anymore, but it also applies to people who don't feel like they actually living their breathing lives.

but what is living your life anyway? does that mean you have to be spontaneous like that man Carl from Yes Man movie? you have to say "yes" to everything? or does that mean you got to take all of the opportunities you have in your life? does it mean that you ought to be happy all the time? or does it mean you got to be true with yourself? and love yourself with all your heartbeats? we forgot the meaning of living our life.

I wish I could do this. I could be careless and just be happy all the time, or just... live. but, truth to be told, minus the studying and the school things, I do live. I do smile a lot. I do laugh a lot. I do laugh until my jaw hurts and my stomach can't hold anymore. although... at times like this... when I'm alone with myself, at night, with nothing to accompany me but rubbish movies or old songs, I get very depressed and sad. lypophrenia, saudade. all of those things. I can barely breath. those things keep occuring over and over again, at least three times a day. and those events... are being represented to me. I don't understand why, I don't understand what's the point, the goal from they are trying to achieve by making me insane 24/7. this is mad and sick, even for me. I wish I could just escape. but what can I do when noone believes me and noone trusts me and noone loves me.

[stayg0ld]