Archive for June 2011


Sunday, June 26, 2011 Comments Off

  1. Anticipation and expectation only lead to ultimate desperation
  2. This bloody emptiness is throbbing to be filled
  3. Presence is more than just being there
  4. I know I'm speaking madness, but here's the thing, this void in my heart ache to be filled and throbbing. It is aching for abnormality, such as: pain for the loss one, the lost ones, the ones say goodbyes too fast and the lonely ones. It's throbbing. Throbbing. Throbbing.
  5. Like those radars they have in submarines, my void throb when it contact with loss
  6. I'm, for the time being, seeing, wanting and longing for comfort from something familiar. something that could cover the void temporarily. Something that could decrease the feeling of discomfortness.
  7. Being alone is curable but loneliness is not.
  8. I guess, at some point, this throbbing madness and void are what one would call loneliness
  9. Aimlessly searching for what one would normally call home, I seek refuges and sanctuaries in the wrong places, or rather in places that don't provide things that I'm finding. It's not home actually, it's something that, in my opinion, would give me peace and content. Yes, I do need adventures/ups&downs in my life, but within those thrills I would like to have something that would bring me closer to the ground

Series Of Alphabets

Saturday, June 25, 2011 Comments Off

a. from my observations, as for the past week I avoided the internet therefore nothing to entertain me besides my iPod and my notebook, and from the movie Malice In Wonderland, I really believe that everything, not only the Earth and other things in the space, move in circle. everything would be the same as they were in the first time, not perfectly similar, but nonetheless the same.
b. music, in my opinion, do things to you. they are like your own personal drugs. some will make you high like illegal drugs, some will cure you like medicines, some will make you sleepy like morphines, some will make you cope with the truth, and some are merely placebos. also, some music, I realize, could make you feel like you're in another place, another time, belong to another moment and even another being.
c. can I call things coincidence with each other if I see them constantly? but I know that, the way the world collides together so that unrelated events could be together is only possible by the act of God
d.  I also realize that I would often come across circumstances that would force me to be content with solitude and loneliness. to be content with myself. it isn't easy, mind you, but I could pass it like it is the most natural thing in the world.
 e. I miss him.
[dennis auburn]

Lightning voice

Monday, June 13, 2011 Comments Off

I could've used some smiles, some genuine smiles. I could've used some laughs, real laughs. I could've used some hugs, giant cuddly hugs. I could've used some reassuring words that everything going to be okay. I could've used some love

I know it's all gone now... threw away to the wind like it was nothing but simplest form of dusts gathered from the lonely library. but they left scars in my mind that nobody can heal. I put some veil around it so that people won't notice and it would heal by itself, unfortunately the scar couldn't heal. For all I remember, the pain is still there, stinging. All these times I've only been cover it all up with some happiness with hints of pain.

it is both fortunate and unfortunate having covered most of my emotions. fortunate, because I would appear stronger and tougher to people around me, to appear like I'm a warrior, a soldier, a young woman with heart made of diamond-covered steel, a strong, independent young woman. however, it is unfortunate because people could not know my real feelings are, for all they know I am happy all the time, of course there are times when I couldn't handle everything at once so I broke down a little, and I never experienced pain before in my life. also, they would not know the "real" me unless they ask, and they never do. but it does not mean that my feelings aren't real. most of them are, especially the negative ones.

I know I'm being selfish for wanting the attentions, but I can't help it because all these times I've been focusing all of my attention to everybody else. I want to be selfish sometimes, to want what I want, not just what I need, I know I can't do that.

I am an unheard voice.
I am an unseen lightning.

One of my dear friends shocked when she found out what I've been feeling these past 12 years. what I've been experiencing. mostly she shocked about my "being unloved" feeling. unloved is something I feel everyday. but what is love anyway? love is still abstract emotion in my mind, so both being loved and unloved are still trying to solve themselves.

but I could use some affections. I could use some attentions. I could use some genuine smiles. I could use some real happiness. I could use some bliss. I know it would be nice to feel wanted.

21st of May 2011

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I always wonder about the strangers in the street or in one of my favorite cafés, especially people who are on their own. I wonder about their jobs, what they are doing and why they are alone. It gives me wonder and sometimes a splash of hope that somewhere, there's a same person like me, a person that bears the same wonder with me, a person that looks like an out of place weirdo like me and for awhile, a thought of someone that might understand comforts me.

As I see an elder caucasian woman, probably around my grandmother's age, alone sitting there with her almost empty drink, I begin to have the feeling to getting to know her personally. Why in the world she is alone? Why is she alone in this faux heaven? She doesn't look like she's completely out of place, she's like one of those people in the movie that belongs in the background, she blends in with the scenery. She's wearing a light grey wool top. I know that she's thirsty and tired because she drinks her coffee very quickly.

When my mother and her friends are all cheering up about something, she smiles. I don't know the cause of the smile is because she had those happy-go-lucky years or if she did not have. In great movies, where the heroes are normal people who eat alone in the cafés, their friends will come and save them from loneliness, but in reality, it saddens me to tell you that the elder woman leaves alone.

Recovering Phase 1

Sunday, June 12, 2011 Comments Off

I think my existence is a big mind-shocking coincidence. Not most of the people understand the term coincidence itself, let alone be the part of it. I always find myself sitting there and see many coincidences going on around me. The coincidences, more often than not, are mentally tiring. I would connect the dots between one coincidences into the other. It's like jigsaws that when each time I thought I would see the whole meaning, turns into bigger jigsaws that confuse me even more. Of course, because all of those crazy things always going on around me, I already consider seeing those things everyday is a daily thing.

A coincidence that I did not see it coming is my Lomography cameras. When Lomography cameras are few of the things that are happening, I bought two of those cameras, I liked photography and always do. Suffice it to say, I'm in love with both. Guess the colour of the cameras? Yep, one is a YELLOW fisheye and the other is BLUE supersampler. Remember that I like Sweden? What's the colour of their flag again? Yes, blue and yellow. I bought those cameras long before I like Sweden. Although... I've always like the colour yellow and blue, just never put the two and two together until quite recently...

Oh did I mention Q magazines review Take That's new album sounds like they've watched too much Doctor Who and got influenced from Swedish singer Robyn?
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