Lightning voice

I could've used some smiles, some genuine smiles. I could've used some laughs, real laughs. I could've used some hugs, giant cuddly hugs. I could've used some reassuring words that everything going to be okay. I could've used some love

I know it's all gone now... threw away to the wind like it was nothing but simplest form of dusts gathered from the lonely library. but they left scars in my mind that nobody can heal. I put some veil around it so that people won't notice and it would heal by itself, unfortunately the scar couldn't heal. For all I remember, the pain is still there, stinging. All these times I've only been cover it all up with some happiness with hints of pain.

it is both fortunate and unfortunate having covered most of my emotions. fortunate, because I would appear stronger and tougher to people around me, to appear like I'm a warrior, a soldier, a young woman with heart made of diamond-covered steel, a strong, independent young woman. however, it is unfortunate because people could not know my real feelings are, for all they know I am happy all the time, of course there are times when I couldn't handle everything at once so I broke down a little, and I never experienced pain before in my life. also, they would not know the "real" me unless they ask, and they never do. but it does not mean that my feelings aren't real. most of them are, especially the negative ones.

I know I'm being selfish for wanting the attentions, but I can't help it because all these times I've been focusing all of my attention to everybody else. I want to be selfish sometimes, to want what I want, not just what I need, I know I can't do that.

I am an unheard voice.
I am an unseen lightning.

One of my dear friends shocked when she found out what I've been feeling these past 12 years. what I've been experiencing. mostly she shocked about my "being unloved" feeling. unloved is something I feel everyday. but what is love anyway? love is still abstract emotion in my mind, so both being loved and unloved are still trying to solve themselves.

but I could use some affections. I could use some attentions. I could use some genuine smiles. I could use some real happiness. I could use some bliss. I know it would be nice to feel wanted.