Archive for April 2010


Friday, April 30, 2010 § 0

"Years of secret sufferings taught me superhuman self control" V. Nabokov, Lolita.

this post will be very personal, so I'm not gonna hate you if you think this post is very egoist, full of secret sufferings or whatever. I don't mind. I just don't want to bear this alone, I want to share it to someone or, you know, something. its gonna be a long boring post.

you know the chic-flick or teen movies, where there's this unique, well not clearly unique but, suffice it to say, different. she always been in the either geek club or no club at all, or maybe even alone with her lunch bag. and there's always the popular guy who likes this a bit different and out of place girl, he always plays this important role of man who changed his woman, his unique and entirely different woman, into this perfectly popular, or maybe just famous woman. there'll be conflicts and stuff, but he always gets the girl.

in reality, no such things exist. nobody will look at this entirely different woman, who looks like been transferred from, I don't know, Mars perhaps. nobody will say, "oh she's different why don't we match her with this famous guy, oh hey, he's single, let's match them.". they only pity her for being different. she only goes out with her 5 years-long best friends, or her close friends, if they are busy, she'll be going out with her family, looking odd.

in the end, she never get her "prince", only secret sufferings.

that's exactly how I feel right now. I don't know about the prince, maybe this isn't ending yet, because my life, thank God, hasn't ended. but still, the secret sufferings, the pain, the odd feeling, the loneliness, the... everything... feels like me. I feel it right now. and I don't care if anyone, bless that someone, would notice my "secret suffering". maybe I could bear the pain of suffering physically, but mentally is different. this is why I always write. I always watch things: movies, tv series and youtube videos.

thats why you always can caught me with books with my headphone, because I want to hide feelings, or just to block things out of my minds. it doesn't mean that I'm suffering from something big, but, you know... years of hiding tears and masking laughs, is just hard to open-up and tell everything to everyone.  nothing is ever easy for me, learned it harder way than most of people. but I'm grateful though, because, oddly enough, I feel this suffering makes me tougher person and guess what, I'm proud to say that I am. maybe my friends or even my unspoken-enemies have this problems, small, nothing much, but to them its big and it could crush them up like tiny little ants against big giant scary elephants; I've already suffered from that thing at the time when I'm supposed to grow up and be happy.

there were lessons learned from sufferings like that. one of them is never attached to someone easily, trust someone easily is one thing and it's not something big, but attach to them is another thing. another lesson that I learned is if someone hate you and don't want to know a thing about you anymore, leave them, it's not that you need them to survive or something, its just... a friendship line that had been broken, move on. things that I can't manage easily is: to quickly move on with my life. apparently I'm a very very very faithful person, so its not easy for me to just leave someone or something and move on.

there there, I'm going to say goodbye for today and hello tomorrow, I'm tired. oh by the way, I just watched Iron Man 2, it was unbelievably awesome. Jon Favreau was funny.

Lucid Daydreams. Horror Nightmares.

Friday, April 23, 2010 § 3

"The smart beats the dumb, but the lucky beats the smart."

today at school, there wasn't any important subjects, no Math, no Science, only like English, P.E. and stuff, so I read "Naked Traveler" instead, I borrowed it from my friend. it was a book that is written by a woman name Trinity (she calls herself Trinity, it's not her true identity). the book is not fiction, so it is based on her true stories about her adventurous trips as backpacker. it was very fun to read something so pure and so truthfully written, not something that someone made up and turned out bad. it makes me imagine how fun it is to be a traveler, a backpacker or just a plain tourist. the book encouraged me (or rather Trinity) to be a backpacker. really. I wish I could do things like her. like, just, cut off work and go to someplace and just relax. oh I wish I could do that in school life. but no complaints, no regrets, I'm going to have one of those trips one day.

Kuda Bandos Vista Dal Dhoni, Maldives. by: togetlost

The book makes me want to travel. I don't care if I have to travel alone or with partner or find a new partner on the way to the destination, I just want to travel. please? I want to leave this awful, awful awful big metropolitan city. not only the pollutants, the air and the unethical people, but I'm also tired mentally, I want to leave this city for a while, to visit some breathtaking, non-pollutant place. wherever. near. far. I want to leave this city and this hiatus just for awhile. nothing prestigious or grand, nothing permanent. only for a few days, a week top.

I'm so sleepy now. nighty night.


Thursday, April 22, 2010 § 0

You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That’s what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth - everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you. This gives you a tremendous joy, a fulfillment that you are related to existence, and existence cares for you. Once you are clean and clear, you can see tremendous love falling on you from all dimensions.

You Paint Your Face To Hide Your Emotions.

Thursday, April 15, 2010 § 0

I believe people use masks all the time. so that their true emotions, their true feelings, also their heart, won't be able to be recognized with others. I'm not saying that I don't have any masks, but I wear them properly. I wear them occasionally, at times I just like the world to see who I am, but to live in this two-faced world, its hard not to get tempted to wear them at all times.

I hate it when there are stuffs that related to him lately. I know you know. I know that you can see that I like you. but all of this have to stop. all of this funny-feeling, immature, egoist feeling have to stop. all this sparks and glitters, also funny butterfly feelings have to stop. This. has. to. stop.

I can't believe I'm already 16 and next year I'm going to attend university. oh fudge. this isn't what I'm planning for my whole life, not that I'm complaining, but it contradicts! I thought high school would be a long, full of defining yourself years, it would be years of surprises, highs and lows, sweet dreams and bitter nightmares, fights and fools, loves and despises, gossips and growls. I thought... this would stay long, because high school is the best years of our lives, the most unforgotten. but next year, I'm going to end high school years. the fun will end.

most of my friends despise high school years, they say its the worst phase of their lives, they all wanted to go back to junior high. but don't you think, in junior high, we were all such an immature, looking-for-freedom teenagers? all those, funny looking, same clothing, fame searching, family hating, friends are the kings, phase? fun, of course. but we were so unbelievably immature. we were so... young. not that I feel more wise or anything, but at least I'm not that immature, I'm not that "wannabe". I like high school for what it is, hate for what it's not, and despise the in-betweens.


I Know That You Know

Tuesday, April 13, 2010 § 0

Went "nature" yesterday.


it was tiring but worth it. after that went to ifi's birthday party. more photos tomorrow :)
photos courtesy of Aulia Rahman Anshary

A Secret (or Four):

Monday, April 5, 2010 § 0

I wish waiting isn't this long. lets just hope at the end of the road, instead of the usual car, we're going to get this beautiful Bentley, or a unicorn or whatever-the-heck is better than the usual car.

I like to see a guy's perspective when he sees me at the first time, not that I care about other peoples' perspectives, but I would like to know what they think, what they see in me, what I bring to represent myself when they see me. well, at least, that's what I think.

I want to congratulate myself, for being so stubbornly in love with adore that silly guy. its already one year and this feeling won't go, I feel very silly and very typical teenage girl, it's one of those phase, growing up phase, but... no, I wish this feeling could go away. could vanish, evaporate, engulf by the mother nature. this immature, but addictive feeling. this.

please tell me if the photo is yours :) cheers.

Quick Short Post!

Sunday, April 4, 2010 § 0

how are you? I hope you're fine, because I am. I'm absolutely fine, with many many things around me, but I'm hanging on! I'm not going to make this post long because its already sunday night and I really need my good sleep.

I love 10 Things I Hate About You the series. I love it love it love it. So, I love series (in order): True Blood, Skins, House and 10 Things I Hate About You. Its an adaptation from Heath Ledger's movie with the same name, its pretty good. Not as good as Skins though, but it is recommended. If you are very into Skins, you might wanna skip 10 Things I Hate About You, because truth to be told, 10 Things I Hate About You isn't very problematic, it has few problems that are involving the character with one another; while you know, Skins' characters have many problems, like, real problems.

one other thing, next month I will be attending those freaky AS Level exam, I only going to take Math, but hell, Math is enough. Pure Math is ill, but Statistics is the disease, the virus.
well, turned out this post is long after all, xx

so, catch you later. Image from [abcfamily]

10 Things I Hate About You

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no, I'm Kat because I like Patrick.
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