Archive for May 2010

You Are A Midnight Dream and River Stream.

Monday, May 31, 2010 § 2

I have no smart things to say. no beautiful words to blurted out. no exquisite lyrics to tell to. only some honest words. some words that come from my heart. maybe because words, or rather things, that came from my heart aren't exactly what you call beautiful.

but here's the thing... I don't have anything to say. I don't really have anything to say. I only type things but words wouldn't come out, maybe it's in hiding, although... there's nothing I could say about myself, or events that are going on around me lately. I can only say silence. silence as in the unspoken truth, the unspoken reality. yes, unspoken, not ready to speak of, yet. people around me accusing me for the difference in me lately, I became less visible to the eye of social-consumed people. yes by those people who barely know me could judge me by just single look, that are just inappropriately wrong. those profoundly consumed by the perfectness of living in high society people sometimes describe me as somekind of lunatic or uncommon. I guess that's what I am, that's what I could tell about myself, that's what I could write right now: that I am uncommon.

if someone could describe me, I wanna be describe like that Dairy Queen's cappuccino brownie blizzard. at first sight, I look like I'm plain, normal ice cream, white with blocks of brownies. but the site contradicts when you first taste it, when you first really look inside, really try to reach in, you will taste the mix of sweet vanilla ice cream and the bitterness of crunched coffee beans, because I am plain nice, but sometimes rude (my mum told me that I would go nowhere with this kind of personality). but sometimes, if you are lucky enough, you will eat the baked brownies.

[sincerely sarah]
(I bet you're the only one who could make my dreams go away. thanks mysterious M, thank you Mister Mysterious M)

"And he loves her now as she destroys his worst nightmares"

Monday, May 24, 2010 § 0

someday soon, they promised. someday near. not far. but not today. but they've promised me. but they have failed. they have failed to prove their theories. those words that they said to me, about someday near, it was already a long time ago, more than six months long. are six months consider as short? because, hell, they weren't. they weren't long either, but at least not that short. I don't trust promises anymore.

I've been in love with shirts, since, like ever. I'm more like a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl with lots of accessories, I don't like my skin to be exposed that much, because I feel like I'm being eaten by the eyes of the life-consuming crowd with low self-esteem and such such negative minds, if I do wear clothing that expose my skin.

those shirts above are from the brand HELLOHTRIANGLE. local brand. their products are just mouth-watering products and I'm dying to get my hands on one of those beautiful beautiful hand-screen printed shirts. I love shirts like those, there's something that defines them exquisite or just look good. I guess I'm gonna buy one of them and maybe a matching pair with my cousins... I love my cousins taste of art, fashion, music and stuff, even though they are men, but their taste in lifestyle is just different.

Fiky: "When will I get a girl who's just like me, same taste of everything. I don't know anyone like me except our cousins."

well, mate, I've been wondering about that, too. I don't know anyone who likes the same kind of things that I like. I may have some few considerable friends who know certain kind of music that I like, but that doesn't mean that we are exactly the same. no one is the same, but at least they still have similarities, right? but its hard to find people who are similar to me because, of course, kids these days are into same kind of music and fashion and stuff, while I'm on the other side of the page since I was little.

the pictures above are from hellohtriangle website, I don't own them and I don't pretend I own them. and please don't pretend you own them.

"Love. Deadlier than piranhas."

Sunday, May 23, 2010 § 0

sometimes, I want to jump off the cliff. to feel the adrenaline rush through my head. people would wondering, "why, oh why, dill, why don't you just play those infamous rides on the amusement parks? your brain will tell your body to release the adrenaline because the exact same thrill, and its safe, too." well, first of all, I don't trust Indonesia's term of safety or secure. second of all, no, the thrill will be different. oh I'm not talking about jumping off to nothing here, but to the sea below.

being sad is an addiction, I'm afraid. one day it will took you by surprise, eat you alive, unwillingly. because I, somehow, can't get out of this sad phase. I laughed and had fun for some times, but its like... sad is keeping my track, so I don't feel drowned in the fun, in the laugh.
maybe I should be like this to appreciate being happy more, right? well, that's just one theory, the other theory is that I'm a downer, which is more likely to be a fact rather than theory, but that's just me talking, I don't know if people see me in the other way or not!

but you know... noone can see yourself better than... you. people around us just want to see what we represent to them, what we tried them to see and what they want to see. people has different ideas about us, about who we are, maybe they have the same points here and there, but they never truly understand about things that are happening to us, on us, around us.

yesterday, saturday, I went camera searching with my uncle and my cousin. I've always wanted to get my hands on that film cameras, manual cameras, such as Yashica, Fujica M1 or maybe Russian ones like Fed 1 Refurbished or Kiev 4 Refurbished. its just that, there's something beautiful about them. there's something undeniably enchanting about them. beautiful. just beautiful. because I didn't see anything that I want, so we stopped searching and got one of my family a Canon camera instead. today all of the sudden my cousin came to my house and dropped Yashica Fx-3 off. I was thrilled! I got them pretty cheap, considering the lens is still good and I got one flash/blitz. it was one of the best gifts! it wasn't even my birthday!

so, all and all, I'm pretty happy today. but a bit... downer.
[ClaudioCapanna on flickr]

"Well, Lower Your Expectations"

Friday, May 21, 2010 § 0

Now I know the reason why I don't want to be thin, but I want to be healthy. Why if you ask...

because I've been reading books and things, and the way they describe the male characters (tall, lean, muscular, very stiff frame), while the female characters, despite being oh-so Mary Sue sometimes and when actresses that portray them are a bit skinny, are all curvy and pretty. not sick thread-like, look lifeless; thin maybe, but surprisingly not thin enough to tell the readers that they look like model, or highly-trained and thin-freak actress.

the way the writers describe how they go together just makes me want to be like them, makes me all jealous and stuff, because they describe the pair to look contrast but perfect match. he was those kinda manly man with all those gentle gestures and sometimes tattoos, while her, all look curvy, alive, healthy and just... happy.

that's what I want. to be alive, healthy, happy still look curvy with someone who is man enough, gentle enough, not with tattoos in my case though, so that we both would make a scene, people would be jealous about us. well, the latter part is nothing to be concerned of, because I don't really like to make a scene and make people jealous.

but its only a dream after all. I now managing to keep the expectancies of things in my life lower than it should, lower than it would have, lower than it had been. expectancies are... just not right. it would kill you, sometimes, now or later. call me downer, but that's what I believe. I know I'm not the most positive, not the most optimist, not the most happy person you've ever known, but I'm trying to get fond with reality. reality sometimes let me down and I don't want to be let down. nevertheless, lets cheer up :)


Have You Ever?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010 § 0

there's this feeling inside me that needs to be... fill. there's a familiar emptiness that running through my heart over and over again. the emptiness in my chest. this emptiness needs to be fill. I want to cry so bad because this emptiness is going to ruin my body, especially my mind. the loneliness and the emptiness. those feelings are eating me. I have no idea what kind of feeling is this, but this is the contrary of the feeling of love. cold. empty. lonely. something that makes my heart aches with loneliness. I have no idea why I'm feeling what I'm feeling right now. what kind of feeling is this?

moving on from that, I'm now officially "drugged" by Doctor Who. I love this series very much, especially the undeclared-romance of Rose and The Doctor.

Pure Math 1 tomorrow, wish me luck, love
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