Archive for February 2010


Sunday, February 28, 2010 § 0

I wish I could be more independent. I wish I could be more... classic. I wish I could be more... self-conscious. I wish I could be more responsible. I wish I could be more like a grown-up. but the truth is I'm not. fuck life.

effy says: hi, I don't give a fuck.

Convinced parents.

Saturday, February 27, 2010 § 0

blondes will be blondes. brunettes will be brunettes. and parents shall always be parents. parents always know the best. but parents sometimes worry too much. overreact of something that I think that really important. seriously. but they are not parent if they are not worry-worry.

I'm in my hometown now, going to meet my cousins' best friends. and they are overreact. so much. I mean... they are only friends. and its not like I'm going out with "him". I'm old enough to take care of myself, mum. its okay. really. its okay. they are my cousins' friends anyway. and also, if I don't live in this world, they wouldn't worry much, they would only like "ok. be back by 11" or such. and I'm 16, I'm practically legal to go out alone. and its not like we are in strange city, we are in our hometown. so, be cool mum, be cool. everything is going to be alright. if I don't, you're only a button away. besides, mum, my high school friends gone out with strangers, the guys that I'm going to meet aren't exactly complete strangers. oh and mum, they are not in any bands, fyi. and you forced me to go to Bandung. so, please, I have the right to do anything.

okay, I'm the one who overreact. anyway, I'm reading Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Saffran Foer. it is a very great book! very neat! with words that are easy to digest, pictures and many tangled up stories and mysteries.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010 § 0

earlier today, I learned about immune system. the most specific part that I still remember right now is about B-cells. B-cells is an antibody that help to kill antigen. how? by dissolving them inside their cells. after that they divide themselves by mitosis, there are two types of daughter cells, one is the memory cells and the other one is plasma cells. the memory cells only bind with antigen that had already been remembered by the B-cells parental.

the reason why I'm bothering you with this is because I wish we, in person, in mind, in heart, in feelings, can do this too. I mean if we can solve present problems because we had the same problems then, life would be undeniably easier. hearts will broken less, we can have less problematic world and there will be less chaos in the world. people will love each other more deep. depression will be curable. politics will be solved easily. but I guess, there are reasons for everything.

anyway, this week's end is a golden weekend. no school for friday until sunday, but I'll have mid-term text on monday. I know, school sucks. the mood to go to school is minus, while the mood to live is 0, lately. need moodbooster. oh oh I know, I'm gonna spend a day with my class and a whole day with Fathi, we are going to finally meet each other!

if the picture is yours, tell me.


Monday, February 22, 2010 § 0

I turned sixteen yesterday. it wasn't really that amazing or such. and I didn't feel anything change in my life and I didn't feel older or wiser either. I spent it with my "family" MESIS. they were all so lovely, they said "happy birthday"s and such. El sang me a birthday song, her voice is so beautiful, despite her voice wasn't at the best time.

I cried about things that aren't important yesterday. although it was my birthday, there's no "privilege" for being the birthday girl. I didn't feel so special yesterday. it was only another birthday. another day, even. I got older, not so special. no special anything. only another day. so I cried until I fell asleep. when I woke up, I cried again.
the reason why I spent it with MESIS yesterday, so that I feel less alone, like I was last year. last year I felt so sick and alone. and cold. I caught common cold, too. not only that, nobody remembered my birthday. nobody gives a shit. I was a bit more happy than last year though, on the early day of my birthday, at midnight, and at dawn. there were funny moments and obviously completely crazy moments, too. I cried when I got home, not in front of MESIS and not because of MESIS.

I'm so tired of all the things that happened to me lately. all the crying. all the betrayal. fake hopes. low grades. gifts with benefits. its just that. I'm sick of all those things. when will those things stop haunt me and stop making me feel like a girl with mental problem. just stop, please?

loveless lately. need mood booster. going to upload photos tomorrow. courtesy of Wardha Syakhroza. oh if the photo above is yours, please tell me :) thanks!

lost trembling voice

Tuesday, February 16, 2010 § 0

hi, afternoon, blog. currently: "mentally ill". I'm writing this with my friend's laptop. been two days since my latest post. so, hi.

life currently is being a bitch, pardon my word. but still, currently a pain in the darn arse. well, maybe I don't have to blame life, I have to blame school, instead? because my life is mostly school (because teachers won't let us to have any social lives, maybe because they don't have them too? lol no, jk.) but rlly, they don't let us to have any social life, its okay though, I'm not really that social-person anyway, so... k, I'm blabbering now.

its rainy season now, so I'm expecting flood to strikes my school, so that I could be dismissed =D anywaaaay, I guess the mother nature wants the exact opposite, so my bio teacher said "no flood this year apparently."

oh, I got an e-mail from sales of NIKICIO. the e-mail was basically telling that there's an event at Tribute in February 21st (yes my birthday, another coincidence, no?) from 3 pm until 8 pm. all of the brands are showcasing their clothings and accessories. I wish I could attend.

so gtg. <3 infinte xs and os (if the photo is yours, please tell me by comment on the post.)

trade the sun for the moon and the stars

Friday, February 12, 2010 § 0

what I want to for my birthday:
Leica D-Lux4

it is one of Leica's finest camera (well, then again, every Leica cameras are fine). it is a digital camera, pocket camera. but it has a quality like the usual DSLR, so why should I buy the big one with more expensive price, when I can get the small one with less expensive price. then again, what if I want to become an amateur photographer? what if I want to capture things? going with the subject in depth. however, I'm not actually an artist. so there are a lot of things that going on in my mind.

oh by the way, I'm sick. like sick sick. so, see you.

Monday Morning

Monday, February 8, 2010 § 0

file -> revert to original.
edit -> undo

man, how I wish I could do that in life. just click something and then voila you are rewinded. so that I can redo some stuff that I need to. not all of them, but there are times that I wish I could redo or even rewind. replay, too. I hate obstacles, but what is life without obstacles?
monday suited me not really well. teachers already bombarded us with tasks and exams and quizzes. as if studying isn't enough. dramas are all around, too. but maybe the teachers don't care about our social lives, maybe they don't even think we have one; my dear teachers, we do.
tomorrow is betary's birthday and I'm a wee bit excited. not really excited because it is on tuesday, the longest day of the week (yes, beats wednesday, my extra lesson session). excited because... well, I'm going to tell all about it tomorrow.
my birthday isn't going to be a very nice one, though. I've never had any good birthday this past three years, wait... two. the climax was last year's. it was the most unremarkable birthday I've ever experienced. but, who am I to request a day? but no worries about my birthday. I never expected anything about my birthday. I had learn that when you never expect things, everything turns out to be better.

been reading and watching the virgin suicides. it is very beautiful indeed. I like Lux better than the rest. but what represent me the most is Cecilia. although I'm more like Mary, because I like to paint gloomy things. the point is, the movie and the book is like reading a narrated biography with fine and poetical written. I tried to find words that are meaningful in the book, but I forgot where they were, there are lots of them and I can't write them all. the book is full of beautiful quotes. (although, I must say, I like Mary better in the picture.)

[hey crazy]

Royal Tenenbaums//

Sunday, February 7, 2010 § 0

as the sky grew darker, my heart grew colder. emotion involved things around me lately, so at most of the time, I don't deal with people. emotion explode easily as I grow older, everything had its own category, had its own places. I can't mix everything up. I can't be careless. show emotions can lead to social suicide and more likely to be unrecognizable person.

I try to change my feeling. I try to change all of these emotion into positive thing, or maybe... empty it. empty my emotion can. feelings come in the wrong time. I don't really quite need any emotion lately. I need to lost my mojo. mojo comes in to the unthinkable time... comes in to the unnecessary place. or maybe I just need someone to share my emotion?

"Q: how many students are admitted each year?"
"A: around 60 students each year"

(that's a FAQ of IEM. I'm going to be in one of those 60 persons in next year. Just watch.)


§ 0

call me weird or whatever you want, but I still can't handle everything at once. everything feels like blur lately. there are names that I can't remember. faces that I can't recall. and there are phases that I can't even notice that they are there.

lights getting darker each day. even the darkness doesn't come along alone, they come in with the light, light that doesn't bring hope. light that doesn't bring happiness. light that doesn't bring revelation. only frustration.

I'm writing a lot because it is the only thing that I know that can calms me. goodbye. goodnight. have a great weekend.

["Aeternus Erotis"]

Everything is Virtual

Thursday, February 4, 2010 § 0

"Nothing in this life is real. Everything is virtual."

the morning gets tiring than usual. the night becomes more restless. the rest of the day grows into blurry state. body ache more. eye bags grows bigger. eyes become more weary. lips become drier. mind become less agreeable with heart. crumbly fingers. untidy hair.

I love faint-coloured flowers and dark-coloured jeans lately. I need to buy something. And I need to have less plans. I'm a busy lady lately. Don't question why. An obligation. I'm in high school now. A lot of things are going on with me and around me. Mostly bad, mostly tiring, mostly dramatic but there are happy things and cheerful days, too. Needless to say, I'm in a phase.

labels are just infinitely and ultimately awful for me, the way I see it, if you can label people, then people can label you too, and sometimes, those labels aren't pretty. and if people label you back, you might not like it. so please, don't label people. being labelled is not right.

Something In Return

Tuesday, February 2, 2010 § 0

This world is full of hatred.
Nothing in it is pure, nothing in it is wise.
Because everything is always in disguise.

The world is so small
Bitter eyes and classic smile
hidden beneath a cup of tea in afternoon party

Whoever thought waiting is the easiest part, had never ever tried to wait this hard. Whoever thought the moon is pretty, had never get to see how beautiful the morning sky is.
Mornings get easier when you have someone to share with, or the sky to share with.
I need to be happy. Now.
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