Archive for 2010

Sadness

Thursday, December 30, 2010 Comments Off

sadness for me is like old friends. you know... those friends that always bother you when you are busy doing something, but you don't want it to go away, you just let them sit there, annoy you. they affect your ways of thinking, they affect what you do, they affect everything, by just sitting there and staring at you. it doesn't take long until their thoughts get into your head and those thoughts become yours too. you try your best to not make them taking control your whole life completely, so you wear masks, listen to some make-you-numb songs, watch crappy movies with bad script, eat, eat, eat and eat, and cry your heart out. seeing the scenery, they left. but only for a while. because they will come back and find you, even though you're hiding in the farthest part of the forest and the deepest part of the ocean, they will come and find you. because they know you to the core, they know you. very well. too well. and they will get inside your head again, and again, and again.


sometimes you think that not feeling is the best feeling. because when you don't feel anything, when you're numb, your life get a whole lot better, or so you think. by being numb, you can continue to do your work, to set your mind on everything else, everything that not related to feelings. things are better that way, when your feelings don't affect any of your decisions, so you think logically. but it only lasts for awhile, until the sadness comes out from the dark and lure you in again... for the feeling that make you wish that you can't feel anything at all. sadness know how easy they can get into your head, just wait for the right moment and the right timing when they slip into your memories and messing up your minds. scenes, music, photos even small little unrelated things can trigger it, can make its way back to you. so sometimes, I wish... I could feel nothing but numb.

[symooh]

Things That Make Life Bearable Pt. 1

Wednesday, December 29, 2010 Comments Off


Ohbijou -- Thunderlove




Prefuse 73 -- I Knew You Were Gonna Go




Stars -- The Beginning After The End

1,2 tumblr
3 [everythingsright]

Domestic Scene

Saturday, December 25, 2010 Comments Off

It was 2 am in the morning when she noticed there was a scar spread in her right hand, near the thumb bone. She was restless, she had tried to sleep since 11 pm yesterday but she couldn’t seem to sleep, so when she was turning on her laptop and typed her password, she noticed there was a scar in her hand.
The scar was beautiful, she thought, it was unlike any other scars she got in her body, the other scars in her body had caused her temporary sadness and pain, but this one, this one is different, it was as if the scar was an object of beauty, not an object of pain, or worse an object of violation. The scar looked like someone had smeared a red lipstick in her hand.
She ran her hand above her scar and she didn’t feel any pain at all. Perfect, she thought. This scar would be like another beauty products that are crafted to her skin, beautiful, but dangerous. She didn’t care, though, she didn’t care one bit, because her mind was utterly more damaged than that meaningless scar of hers.
When she went looking for her phone, trying to save this memory of hers, about her unknown scar, at her phone, she noticed something weird. She noticed that someone was outside her room, she thought she was all alone, beside, who’s going to be in her apartment when noone ever been there and didn’t know where she lived. She opened her door and found someone was watching the telly in the living room.
The person was tall, she knew this because his body was spread across the sofa and his feet were still hanging in the air. His hair was brown, dark brown to be exact. And his eyes were…
“Oh, morning, love!” he greeted.
“Horatio? What are you doing here?” she squealed and ran to him. The guy sat straight and opened his arms, he welcomed her in his arms. She breathed his smell sharply, the smell of home, of peace.


“What? Can’t I visit my lovely girl?” he asked while patting her head.
She pulled back but his arms were still managed to be wrapped tightly around her waist. “You can, but not this way, because you’ll look like a pervert in the morning, waking up beside a woman in her room.”
He snickered. “First, I’m not a pervert, I don’t look like one, I don’t smell like one, I don’t even breath like one. Second, eventhough people think that I am, you’re not a woman, you’re still a girl, in my eyes anyway. Third, who says I’m going to wake up in your room?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Visiting my future.”
"Huh? Aren’t you supposed to travel your arse off?”
“Not anymore. I decided to settle in.”
“With who?”
“With you.”
“Why me?”
“Why not?”
She pushed his body, pulled hers off and sat next to him. “You see, the way you answer me sounds like I’m an option, so I don’t see you with me together.”
His whole body went numb. “What did you say?”
“I don’t want to be just an option to you.”
“You’re not!”
“Yes, you only see me as an option. Either me or another girls that you saw when you tried to find yourself.” she got up and walked to her room.
When she was in front of her wooden door, she looked back and said, “When you leave, please be early in the morning when I’m still sleeping, because it would hurt less.”
“Wait.” he said, stopping her from touching the door.
“What?” he could tell that she was crying.
“I know this would sound completely corny and common but… I’ve found myself. I know where when I’m content with myself, where I enjoy being me.”
“Where?”
“When I’m with you. When I see you, when I hold you, when I know you’re around. Since I left you to what I call this nonsense bullshit about finding home, I found out that I’m not happy when you’re not around.
When I went all over the country, alone by myself and not having you to share with, I found out that there’s no point in me traveling the whole country without you, because I feel like a goddamn zombie when you’re not around. So please, can you be someone that I call home?” his voice was filled with guilt, sadness and with a hint of hope. Hope that she could be with him, that she would say yes.
“Are you going to leave me again?” she asked.
“Never.” he breathed, he could barely breath.
“Because I know you, Horatio. I know you to the core, you can’t be ‘domestic’ or settle in like another guy. You came, but you never stay.”
He tried to swallow down his tears. “I’m so sorry, but that’s in the past, I need you now. I really need you. I can’t… even function without you.”
She turned her body and walked toward him. “Do you promise me?”
He opened his arms and smiled, “I promise.”
She hugged him tight. “I’m tired.” she claimed.
“Bed time, I’m not a pervert, but I’m going to put you to bed like a great future husband I am, if that’s okay with you.” he asked while walking her toward her room.
“I’ll be outside” he added.
She smiled to his chest and walked to her room without his help. “See you tomorrow.” she said.
“See you tomorrow.” he answered back.

The next morning she woke up, the scar was gone and he, too, was gone. It was as if neither the scar nor him was there. It felt more real than any dreams or reality she had ever been to, so she didn’t have the slightiest idea in her head that he was only in her dream.

[nicoleandcharlie]

I Never Knew Home Until I Found Your Hand

Thursday, December 23, 2010 Comments Off

The fight was in front of a place that used to be a vegetable shops that runned by the Chinese people that lived upstairs. It didn’t take long until people arrived and broke the two people down. She was there since the fight began. She didn’t know why they were fighting, one minute she was walking down the street complaining to herself about her cold feet, the next minute the two of the men were fighting in front of her, she didn’t even know where they had came from, she was busy noticing her sockless feet.

After they finished their fighting, they broke apart and went to the opposite ways, she looked at one of the men that walked pass her. “Cold night, eh?” he said to her.
She nodded back at him and said, “Yeah, forgot to wear socks, apparently.”
The guy seemed to be interested with her, so he stopped and walked to her. “What were you thinking? It’s a cold town. Here, have my scarf.”
He untied his scarf and put his scarf to her neck. She felt somehow embarrassed but loved at the same time. “Thanks.” she smiled at him gratefully.
“You’re not from here, are you?” he asked. He was closer than earlier so now she could smell his breath and his body, she also noted that he was around her age. He smelled like warm tea in the afternoon with a hint of cream shave, but his breath smelled like beer.

She gave him her smile, that sadness masked with happiness smile. “Yes, I came from… another world.”
He laughed. He had a nice laugh. “Really, now? What kind of world?”
“Not this, I can tell you.”
When she was looking at her boots and she couldn’t see him, he gave her his smile, his smile was different than hers, his smile of knowing. He bit his lower lip and forced another smile.

“Have you eat dinner?” he asked.
As a car passed, she looked up, the headlights lighted up her face and she smiled. “No, I haven’t. I was on my way to a diner.”
“Tell you what, I’m starving after the whole tiring fight, let’s eat. I’ll buy you dinner in fancy restaurant, if… you want to tell me about this other world.” he said while opened his hand waiting for her to take his.
She blushed. “My dad says never trust a stranger… but you don’t feel like a stranger.”
He swallowed hard. “That’s because I’m going to buy you a dinner.”
She smiled happily and took his hand, she slipped her hand to his as if it was the most natural thing in the whole world and they both fit. She noticed his watch and smiled to herself.
"Look, we have matching watch." she claimed.
He turned his head and looked at his wrist. "Wow... that's... weird. Are you stalking me or something?"
"No!" she exclaimed and smiled, he returned her smile and they both continued to walk.


As they walked together, she noticed something warm and liquid coming from his hand. She breathed sharply and pulled her hand.
His whole body became numb instantly. “What?”
He watched her as she went through her things, she was looking for her first aid kit that she always bought in her bag. It took so many minutes to find her first aid kit and when she did, she pulled it out.
“What are you doing?” he asked when she dragged him to the stacks of snow.
“Put your hand above the snow and roll up your sleeve.” she ordered.
He did what she asked him and then she cleaned his wound then she put a bandage above it. She smiled at his now bandaged wound and then she smiled at him.  “Why did you even get into a fight? You seem like a nice guy.”

“If I tell you you won’t believe it.” he said while pulling down his sleeve and took her hand.
“Try me, I have big imagination.”
The bright blue beanie that she was wearing was falling so he pulled the beanie and pushed it so it covered her face. “You got something on your face.” he said.
She laughed and pulled the beanie back to its place. “Don’t be meanie to my beanie.”
“Now that’s…” he pursed his lips. “That’s too corny, even for you.”
She smiled coyly. “Yeah… so, are we going to eat? I’m starving.”
He turned his head and stared at her brown eyes. “I’m Xavier, nice to meet you, Starving.”
 She shook her head, “No, my name is Reginé.”
“Well, then, Reginé, how about a nice dinner?” he asked, his blue eyes were glittering under the moonlight.
She smiled. “Sounds nice.”

[SandraBeijer]

Just Hold On To Me

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 Comments Off

She was supposed to be there at 5 p.m., but she was nowhere on sight. Not even slightest bit, not to him anyway. He rechecked his watch, his twin watch that he has with her, hers was--is-- the smaller version of his. It was 6.15 p.m., it wasn’t like her to be late like this. She was usually punctual, but he had a feeling she won’t be like that today, after all she was late for one hour and fifteen minutes.


He took the last sip of his coffee and then he left the café after he paid the bill. He opened the wooden front door and took a breath of a warm Saturday afternoon. The sun was still up, bright and shiny, it was one of those days that made you want to go out and had a nice walk with your loved ones-- because of the nice sight and comfortable weather, he decided to walk and put on some music. He smirked at his decision, his blue eyes were glowing because of his smile, it was more alive than usual, there he was walking. He hated walking, he used to hate walking, he would thought, it was easier to drive, but she hated people who drive, she tolerated people who drive because they have long journeys to go through, but she despised people who drive because of the comfort of their own safety. She would rather took public transportations and because of her reasons, he stopped driving and took public transportations instead.

All of the bad things within him, he noted, had been transformed into good ones because of her. Great even. She changed him, no, no, she made him better, she didn’t change him, she didn’t make him something that he didn’t, she made him something greater than he used to. She improved him. She made him a better man. She made him like that only with her occasional pouts, her laughs, her warm hugs--even in the coldest winter--, her ideas, her brilliant words, her comforts and… her being her mostly. He didn’t want to sound like a weird guy, because he knew he wasn’t, but he knew that he cannot live, he cannot even breath, without her. It was like, he laughed at himself because of the thought, she was the reason he live. He needed him more than he knew.

He stopped at the front of her 4-storey loft. He looked at the building, up and down, up and down, as if he was judging it. It was the usual broken-white old vintage looking building, you need to take the stairs instead of an elevator, it was the usual city building apartment, but there… oh there… lived a girl that held the world in the palm of her hand. He needed to see her right then, that moment, he missed her so much, it had been two days straight without any contact at all, he needed to be with her and her smiles, her comforting smiles.

The steps he took were the big ones, they showed how much he missed her and how much he wanted to be with her. He sighed and took a long breath when he reached in front of her place. 3C. He smiled gleefully, but after that he noticed something, the door was slightly open. She’d never did that, opened the door carelessly, she always closed the door, whether she was inside or outside she always closed the door. There were male voice and a soft female voice inside. He quickly opened the door and saw two strangers in her place--or apparently what used to be her place.

Those two strangers looked at him in a weird way. It was sort the combination of “Who the fuck are you?” and “What a weirdo.”, because of that look they gave him, he backed away and took a mental image of her place.


The colour of the room wasn’t white anymore, it was light brown. The black chandelier on the ceiling was gone. The white engraved mirror next to the front door was vanished. No more photos, photos that belonged to him, to her, or some random people's, plastered to her walls. All of the things that used to be in that room were gone, except for one thing, a black shelf, that he gave to her, on the opposite side of the door. However, the only thing he first noticed that had gone missing was only… her.

He was disappointed. He was definitely disappointed. She was gone and he didn’t know where she went, or why, or when, or even… how. He went numb instantly. The way he walked to his apartment could be more considered as a walking zombie instead of a normal person. There was no life within him, he felt like he couldn’t function at all, the only thing that kept him going was only a mere hope that when he went home he could find all of the answers and that she wasn’t missing after all.

Nothing going through his mind, only occasional thinking on which path he should take, left turns and right turns. It wasn’t bearable, without the thinking. He walked lifelessly to his apartment on the 7th floor, he didn’t even notice when someone accidentally bumped him. As slid the key to the door to his apartment, he felt nausea all of the sudden, he felt sick all over his body and he wanted nothing more than to sleep the day off or if he could, sleep his life off.

[shedamb][wolvesandbucks]

Home

Tuesday, December 21, 2010 Comments Off

have you ever felt like you don't truly belong where you are right now? like everything just don't fit in perfectly or the way it supposed to be. also when everything feels just wrong and not right. when everything doesn't fall perfectly. there's a chip of your old wooden heart that's missing. I feel like that sometimes, I know I'm here but I'm not supposed to be and belong here, that I fit in, but I don't always feel like I belong where I am right now, I feel like I belong elsewhere. I don't supposed to do something at that precise time. I should be elsewhere doing something else. that my purpose in this life is not doing this. and I never truly find peace here. I don't know if it's my mind--again-- playing with me.


also I don't feel like here is a place where my heart is. home, yeah. content, yeah. but never actually feels like it's where my heart is. where I belong. I keep praying to God hope that this is only temporary madness.

Won't Heal

Friday, December 17, 2010 Comments Off

again. it hurts. so much. not as much as it used to, but don't you think because it had happened before, the pain just got worse? because I do. because I think that when the pain left, it left this small, but certainly clear, hole in your heart. it's like small scars on your knees, on your elbows and sometimes on your face, so occasionally something touch the scars or maybe accidentally pour some water on it, oh have I forgot to tell you that the scars won't heal?
the scars that won't heal. I should write a song about this. the scars that won't heal. it hurts hurts hurts. it's nothing big now, it's just a fraction of something that used to be big, but it won't heal, so it will haunt me. forever. like a box of pain you leave open in the middle of a library. unlike usual scars though, I can only feel this one when it collides with something. this something is undeniably familiar and supremely haunting. like vague smell of your house in the morning after the rain.
I'm stuck. x x

[earthtoandrea]

|TRUTH|

Tuesday, December 14, 2010 Comments Off

Your Existing Situation

Feeling stressed out due to her current situation and the demands which are placed on her. Working to release herself from all things that hold her back or tie her down.

Your Stress Sources

"is being overworked and her flexibility and hard work are being taken advantage of while trying to deal with problems. Sticks to her goals, but feels intense pressure to succeed. Since the situation is uncooperative and untrustworthy, she would like to walk away from it altogether."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant.
Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.
Is satisfied and finds contentment through sexual activity.
Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Your Desired Objective

"Feels stressed due to her current situation or relationships, and needs to make changes. Looking for a solution that will increase her chances of fulfilling her current hopes and dreams."

Your Actual Problem

"Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. In order to build her self-esteem back up, she looks to others for recognition, respect, and encouragement. This can be a problem since she tends to blame others for her shortcomings. Searching for solutions that are geared toward her needs and self-consciousness."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Feeling anxious and restless frustration toward current situation or unfulfilled emotional requirements are causing stress. she feels misunderstood, used, and anxious. she strives to search for new relationships or environment, in the hope they may offer her happiness and peace of mind."

JJ and His Friend, Katie Fucking Fitch.

Saturday, December 11, 2010 Comments Off


one of the best parties. ever.
I'm missing one of my best girls party today.
stuck here at grandmum's.
glad she got internet connection and all.
I love my friends and my family. and God, too.

The Night Starts Here -- Stars

10 Bucks

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 Comments Off

not really giving a fuck is more like an impulse for me lately. really. I don't. something inside me shuts off. something inside of me just don't give a fuck. I bet it's because all those secret sufferings I've been doing these past ten years. I bet your for 10 bucks it is. I wish I couldn't feel anything, I wish I couldn't feel any feelings, any throbbing madness, any secret sufferings, any bad feelings for hating someone. I wish I could just... be. but I can't, can I?


I'm having a conversation with my friend, and from her case I'm concluding that maybe I'm feeling this because I'm growing up. I used to have lots of emotions and I used to be careless. I used to love a lot, laugh a lot, smile a lot, do a lot of revenge and others. but now... I feel like I'd rather prefer to just shut up and shut my heart and my head, so that I don't feel anything. I realized now that crying is much more preferable. I used to just swallowed everything down and kept happiness plastered all of my face instead. but now, crying is easier. much easier. truth is I don't know why I don't cry so easily back then. I mean... I was flooding with emotions and hormones but still, crying was something rare for me. but that's fine. maybe I'm just growing up.
[jessica anne ]

03:03 05:05 09:09. Where Are You?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010 Comments Off

I have so much to tell. so much.
but as usual, nothing can come out. everything's hidden. it's like one of those days again. I'm running out of words. I hate this. there's so much that I want to tell, so much, but not even a single tiniest of word could come out of my mouth. they are all hiding now, in my head. I don't know why they are hiding. but they are. they shouldn't. they are supposed to be brave and come out and fight the fears.
my head shouldn't follow my heart. because my heart is coward. coward. and currently my body acts based on my heart, what my heart prefers to do in these times.


yes. these times. currently this is one of those phases that I should overcome. this one phase that I should fight. my life's on repeat. this same exact phase had happened 3 years ago, well actually when I was in 9th grade. it was one of the lowest points of my life, three years ago was. but within those sufferings and madness I found many great life lessons. back then, when I was funny-looking and naïve, my heart got broken, I got so tired of my life and it was bad, for me. but I grew better and better, I went from "dying" to "surviving" and then I achieved one of the greatest things that had ever happened to me. so because of that, I'm gonna let this be. I'm going to be alright, because something great is waiting for me.

so off to bed, xx.
before I forget; can someone please buy me this?
[laceandflora]

Damaged Goods

Sunday, November 21, 2010 Comments Off

I feel better now. much better. there's still a hole in the middle of my chest, but its smaller now, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to either, although the throbbing madness and the unrelated coincidences would never stop. its gone, permanently, but not really. certain things, certain moments, like a good old sad song or a sentence, also scents, could trigger it to come back, but those things don't have big power like it used to have. I won't deny that this can't be completely be gone. this thing.
I realized last night, that this thing had happened to me before. or actually this thing is still happening with me, that it didn't leave, only remain hidden in the dark after all this time, waiting to be remembered again. thats why I felt it overwhelmingly familiar. or maybe it was on a pause and something triggered it to come back, something pressed "Play" button. that something was a circumstance that occurred 6 months ago. it took me six months to get my arse back on track. but I'm still damaged.

As Far As The Eye Can See

Friday, November 19, 2010 Comments Off

"You must overcome your fear"
I tried to overcome mine, but all I get is only more and more sadness.

"Ignorance is a bliss"
This implies to some things, but not the answers for my unanswerable questions, I need those answers. But I'm afraid if the answer is simply a maddening, simple nonetheless, 'no'.
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Fool's Gold

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 Comments Off


The Middle East -- Fool's Gold

this song feels like that moment. right when the night took you away from me in the middle of long road. as the plane fly away into the midst of cold air and dark shadow of the earth. as you left me alone in the airport. as you left me alone with nothing accompany me but the white light.
this song takes me back to that night. all I can remember now is dark.
dark
dark
dark dark
dark.
cold. cold. cold.
white light.
and the sound of plane that took you away.

"R U OK?"

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 Comments Off

I need someone to tell me that it is okay. that it is fine.
I need someone to tell me that I'm okay.
I need someone who could assure me that I'm okay, that I'm alright that I'm a tough bitch.
but I can't find that someone.
because I know, deep inside,
that I'm not.
that everyone is not okay.


made this on top of a scrap of bill.

Testing

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Sending thoughts with e-mails does it work? X
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/Where your heart is\

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my dream room. this room is irl. I mean, someone own this room: Vanillascented.





very clean, simple, white, something that won't bore you out.
all from Vanilla Scented.

Fashion x Nationalism

Saturday, November 13, 2010 Comments Off

I love fashion. do you know that? I love things that fashion defined, whether it is a statement or just pure personality that they spoke in the absence of words, only vision. we interpret them only by seeing them virtually in front of our eyes, whether its good or bad, or whether it looks perfect or just entirely wrong, or whether it looks very revealing or the contrary, is normally defined by the person who sees them even if the person who wears the attributes doesn't really give a shit about what other people think. I grow with people that loves fashion, I don't care if they put it all wrong, but they all love fashion, they don't go for only casual clothes everyday, they always wear different, especially my Mum. she loves fashion, thats why she opened a boutique.
but as I grow, I'm tired of seeing my Mum's things and people say I'm not quite like my Mum, because she's all glamorous and fashionable, while I try to keep it simple. people wonder why, it is because I'm tired seeing my Mum's all glamorous and all, I tried to be different, to be simple but chic, less attribute but people know that I wear something unusual. because, I think, your personality define who you are and define your thoughts and your moods, and because I'm less colorful and less fantastic than my Mum, I tend to wear simpler clothes, much simple than my Mum. she could go all like accessories and stuff and with make up and still manage to look high class and at the same time classic, while I chose to wear something in the opposite of my Mum.
fashion had been a part of me and always will be, eventhough I'm more of a person who enjoy fashion rather than learn them, let alone memorize all of them. fashion is one of my escapism from reality. life's a bit sucks without fashion or art or music or books. I always find myself mix-matching clothes in the middle of important classes, making clothes in scraps of used papers. I even want to start my own brand and everything, and my own boutique, with sections for girls with different types of bodies, because we all can't have a nice body, now can we?


I like to blog walking to people's fashion blogs and found the things that they wear are all interesting and nice, as I journey through the links that they gave in their blogs, I become more aware that they all usually wear their own local brands and I become very envy and jealous at them, especially those who live in Sweden because I think Sweden got the most talented designers & labels & brands. but as I surf into Indonesian fashion bloggers, I become more aware that Indonesia got talented designers, too.
the only difference between Indonesian people and others is that other countries' people are proud to wear their own local brand, and this is what I think Indonesian people are lack of.
most of Indonesian people are followers rather than trendsetters, they all like to wear the same brands with their friends and the brands that currently become "it brands" like Forever 21 when it first opened its branch in here. I feel very sad about this, very sad for the fact that we are all nothing but a bunch of followers and/or copycats and also only small circle of people that aren't follower/copycats and they have their own signature styles. people in Indonesia haven't aware that there are great local brands, too, and we don't always have to buy other countries products. we have great labels here, too, maybe not everyone ever heard of them, but if you want to find it, we have.
I know that maybe not all of the brands here in Indonesia can match what you want, what people demand, but at least we all have something that we can be proud of and we don't always have to buy other countries' things to be fashionable, let alone be famous. people don't always define how much money you spend on one purse as your popularity contests. I am not saying that I don't buy things from other countries, I still do, but its not always and its must be things that I can't find here in Indonesia. you don't have to be a patriot to love Indonesia, you don't have to attend ceremony everyday to show off your nationalism. love your countries by wearing your own local brands is what I called nationalism.

[voila store]

Hugging Myself

Wednesday, November 3, 2010 Comments Off


earlier today my dear friend asked me if seeing my loved one, or perhaps the person that I really adore, could really change my mood or my day. I answered, no. they affect me, but only for feelings, they don't encourage me to study harder or work harder or do anything with more effort, they don't. they just lift up my mood. that's it. I don't really think relationships for me really affect the way I do things in my life. but I know one thing that does. those bloody coincidences. I mean... those coincidences only worsen my day. its not even the usual things anymore. help.

current love:
  1. 2NE1's It Hurts MV
  2. Vogue Korea: Andy Warhol and Edie Sedgwick
  3. Coco Sumner's Bohemian Love
  4. hot tea.
  5. long sleep after long day
  6. cutting shirts.

No Clue At All

Sunday, October 31, 2010 Comments Off


maybe those coincidences is God's ways to tell me about something. about something big. but God just doing it with those maddening coincidence and overwhelming sadness. within those coincidence, I just realized, lie few of the greatest life lessons in my life. and sometimes I had or bought something, that I thought had no relation whatsoever with things that are commonly presented in my life, that related with this thing that is currently happening in my life. its like the world is saying, "no, bitch, you can't hide from it."
or maybe they are saying something like, "bitch, we are going to tell you something, but its not in an easy way, rather painful one."
or maybe, "you can't fucking hide from us, even if you try."
I always think to myself, why don't I move to some secluded private in the middle of nowhere place? place with no connection to the world at all. place where I can find my peace of mind. I know where, there are some possible choices, but... I have my doubts. and then today I read something on this lovely book called "Manusia Langit", the main character described that wherever he go, even to that very secluded place where there's no electricity, things still haunt him. its like the world is saying, "you can't hide from it wherever you go."

current love: Dumbfoundead, Retail Therapy's In House Therapy, loooong night, Dewi Spa's Virgin Coconut Oil body lotion, NN:02 Racer Tank Dress, Jeffrey Campbell ankle boots, city escape, Donnie Darko, Manusia Langit, Defying Gravity
current hate: short night long day, extra classes

Truth Is Not Overrated.

Monday, October 25, 2010 Comments Off

Lost Found. Lost Found. Lost Lost.

Friday, October 22, 2010 Comments Off

I'm going to feel this blog with love and happiness from now on, but I know I'd be lying with myself if I say that, but what can I do? writing sad stories is easier than write happiness. because you can't bundle happiness and write them, because it will outburst and will have an impact on other people's life. and currently, there's no words that I can write about happiness, although maybe I will. I don't know what I could be happy about currently, fall in grades? tiring weekdays? monday mournings? I'm only grateful, but not happy. I passed everyday with only false hopes and dreams and my usual everyday things (read: coincidence, de javus, lypophrenia), so life is pretty much boring. nothing + my usual everyday things = sadness. oh well.

my current love:
  1. epic jackets with scribbled of words on the backside. like random words or madness psychedelic art.
  2. maxi dress or skirt, preferably in tan or tribal or stripes or just patterns.
  3. plain bleached jeans jacket.
  4. anything in warm autumn colour.
  5. leather bag. in any colour, except neon ones.
  6. tribal things, especially dreamcatcher.
  7. men in those tiny v-necks but not low necks one with leather jackets and/or plaid button-downs. himhimhimhim.
  8. men in boots.
  9. men that are smartly good looking and good-lookingly smart.
  10. 2NE1. listen to them. mind blown. they're no typical Korean only-can-bulimic-and-only-can-makeup-no-skillz
  11. Park Bom of 2NE1, she's so my role model.
  12. Sweden, but this is forever love.
  13. Mumford & Sons' Little Lion Man and White Blank Page.
  14. Julie Delpy's An Ocean Apart
  15. Aimee Mann's One
  16. Weekday products, especially: thisthisthisthis and this
  17. THIS GUY. THIS GUY. he's so much better with his hair shaved. please look at the photo caption of the second photo. minta dibawa pulang tau gak pas dia di Banda Aceh. oke fine.
that is all. Vi ses.
him photos: [glabalaba]. [parisheroinstars]

Rob. Part I.

Sunday, October 17, 2010 Comments Off

After he left, he texted me.

From: Armaan
WTF MAN???? U SAID THAT U KNEW WHERE SHE WAS! BUT U ONLY GIMME THAT PIECE OF SHIT STORY? WHAT THE FUCK MAN?


To: Armaan
Sorry mate, I didn't mean to do that you left when I barely started.


From: Armaan
Really? like there's good side of that fucking story? Story of her leaving me?


To: Armaan
Hey, chill. I know where she is, I know where she went. What I told you was only the part when she was leaving.


From: Armaan
CHILL? YOU TOLD ME TO FUCKING CHILL WHEN THE GIRL THAT I BLOODY FUCKING LOVE ISN'T HERE? FUCK YOU MAN.


To: Armaan
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THATS SAD WHEN SHE LEFT? HUH? WE ALL MISS HER YOU FUCKING INCONSIDERATE MAN. FUCK YOU MAN! WE ALL MISS HER NOW YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE SHE IS OR NOT?


From: Armaan
Sorry man its just that the girl that I fucking love to death isn't here, she's missing, she's not around, she's not here. I need her man I need her.


To: Armaan
Cut off the attitude man I know you're sad that doesn't mean you can just say fuck off to your friends and treat them like shit, she moved two towns from here called "Vageu City" ever heard about it? Its some secluded city and the people there are high as shit, know what I mean?


From: Armaan
Heard about it, what do you mean by high as shit?


To: Armaan
People there are just insane you know they high all the time, but they don't do drugs they're like hippies man. Insane


From: Armaan
I'm gonna find her


To: Armaan
Now hold on, don't you ever think I'm gonna let you to that insane place without backups you need me man, you need your friends you need to be invited to go to that place


From: Armaan
The fuck did she do to get invited here? Shit I'm gonna find her, tomorrow I'm gonna be at the cafe and you guys should be there at 9 or I'm gonna go there on my own


To: Armaan
She didn't do nothing, her cousin own that whole fucking town, she just went there easily as I went to a club. When you go there, its like you go into a fucking different country, hell a fucking different life, like you got high and went to some wonderland for high people with guns, thats why you need to be invited, look I know a guy that can let us in, but first got to have guns first and learn how to use it, its not some fun town we are going


From: Armaan
My uncle's can get us guns and how to use it, how many?


To: Armaan
Whole fucking brotherhood Maan


From: Armaan
Sure they in?


To: Armaan
Uhhuh, we are your brothers we got your back

"You're Dead."

Saturday, October 16, 2010 Comments Off


the world is slowly killing me day by day, I started to believe that the term death has lost its meaning. like the term death does not only apply to people who doesn't have heartbeats anymore, but it also applies to people who don't feel like they actually living their breathing lives.
but what is living your life anyway? does that mean you have to be spontaneous like that man Carl from Yes Man movie? you have to say "yes" to everything? or does that mean you got to take all of the opportunities you have in your life? does it mean that you ought to be happy all the time? or does it mean you got to be true with yourself? and love yourself with all your heartbeats? we forgot the meaning of living our life.
I wish I could do this. I could be careless and just be happy all the time, or just... live. but, truth to be told, minus the studying and the school things, I do live. I do smile a lot. I do laugh a lot. I do laugh until my jaw hurts and my stomach can't hold anymore. although... at times like this... when I'm alone with myself, at night, with nothing to accompany me but rubbish movies or old songs, I get very depressed and sad. lypophrenia, saudade. all of those things. I can barely breath. those things keep occuring over and over again, at least three times a day. and those events... are being represented to me. I don't understand why, I don't understand what's the point, the goal from they are trying to achieve by making me insane 24/7. this is mad and sick, even for me. I wish I could just escape. but what can I do when noone believes me and noone trusts me and noone loves me.

Armaan. Part I

Friday, October 15, 2010 Comments Off

I was sipping my coffee in the usual cafe, it was nice, and the weather, for the usual rainy day, was very breezy but warm. Wind was everywhere. The site from inside of the cafe was ecstatic. The street wasn't crowded with the usual people that stroll around the flea market, a few groups of tourists and nothing else, unusual day for this city. The baristas were very nice to me and the waitress was actually being nice to me.

From where I sit, I could see the whole street without even have to move, but I believe that the people outside can't see me, so it wasn't weird for me when Rob couldn't see me when he first came inside the cafe. He was, as usual, wearing his flannel shirt and black jeans, there was something in his eyes that I can't see but I know it was there, somewhat loneliness and sadness with a hit of desperation. I whistle when I saw him searching for me and he smiled and ran to where I sat.

"'Sup, man?" I greeted.
"Good good, hey listen, mate, there's something I gotta tell you." I eyed him suspiciously.
"Remember when you said to me that you missed her so much and you need to know where she is?"
I nodded and put down my newspaper. "Well, I know where she is,"
"Where?" I immediately sat straight and became aware for only his voice, nothing else mattered.
"D'you remember where you last seen her?"
"Yeah." I nodded. "It was on the corner of Lucid Street when she said goodbye to me, it was the last time I saw her. She was wearing her usual floor-length skirt, looking gypsy as always. That was... the last time."
He nodded gracefully. "Well, there's somethin' I gotta tell you. She... left."
I felt as if a shocking lightning strike through my very soul. The girl that I love, she left. I swallowed hard. "How? When? Why?"
"Why, I don't know, but when, it was four a.m. yesterday. I di'n't notice it first but she looked like she wasn't very happy the night before, I figured that there was problem with you, yeah? Cause I barely see you both together anymore, so I di'n't bother to ask, cuz, I mean... she got problems with you, not me, we are best mates, but I ain't gonna mess with your shit. I heard some noise and I was half-sleepin' and I saw her standing in front of the door an' ready to open them, but I di'n't say anything, cuz, I thought she was just trippin' or somethin', not sayin' she is, but I thought she was daydreamin' an' all that shit. But thing is, she looked like she was in deep shit and ready to leave, so I was like 'Okay, fine, she's gonna leave.', but then I saw vaguely that she kissed me goodbye on my forehead an' the rest of the tenants in the loft, I saw this cuz there was huge party goin' on in our basement an' to get out of our loft you should go through the basement an' we were asleep, well, they were, I was half-asleep. As she opened the door, I saw she was smiling and then she left."

I didn't know how to react the information. How to digest them. The girl that I love, that I want to marry, the girl that I saw as my bride, that I just introduced to my parents, that I promised the world for her, left. She left. Left. Left me. Why.

"Why didn't you stop her?" I asked.
He lit up a cigarette and started to smoke. "Everythin' went too fast, man. I can barely recall what she said about you when she kissed me."
I wanted to punch him right then and there. He was my best mate, but I couldn't believe that the last person she kissed goodbye was him, not me. The guy that would give everything in his world just to be with her, why not me. "What did she say?" I managed to ask.
"I forgot mate, but there was your name an' 'sorry' an'... shit forgot. Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I remember, but don't kill me for sayin' this, yeah?"
I nodded. "Go on."
"She said, 'Tell Armaan I'm sorry for leaving in a hurry, I just can't take it anymore... bla bla bla... I'm moving on. It's not us, it's not me, it's not you, but all those things that keep happening to me always haunting me wherever I go, so I need to leave, cause I can't take it anymore.' or somethin' like that. She di'n't say where she wanted to go, only left."

I punched the table, left my money and went back home, leaving Abdul's mouth hanging open.

Between Vienna and Paris.

Thursday, October 14, 2010 Comments Off

Script from Before Sunset that I like

"we all see the world through our own tiny keyhole, right?"
"he says that we are the sum of all the moments of our lives, and that, uh, anybody who sits down to write is gonna use the clay of their own life, that you can't avoid that. So when I look at my own life, you know, I have to admit, right...that I've... I've never been around a bunch of, a bunch of guns, or violence. You know, not really. No political intrigue or, uh, helicopter crash, right? But my life, from my own point of view, has been full of drama, right? And, uh, so I thought that if I could write a book that...that could capture what it's like to really meet somebody. I mean one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to me is to really meet somebody, make that connection, and if I could...make that valuable, you know, to capture that, that would be the attempt."
"You know, happiness is in the doing, right, not in the... getting what you want"
"He's there in both moments simultaneously. And just like for an instance , all his life is just folding in on itself and it's obvious to him that time is a lie... uh...that's it's all happening all the time and inside every moment is another moment, all...You know, happening simultaneously."
"it sounded vaguely familiar"
"Céline: Yes, you remember that?
Jesse: Yeah, I remember everything."
"Céline: No, everyone wants to believe in love. It sells, right?
Jesse: Yeah, exactly...so..."
"I don't know, just...being part of someone else's memory. Seeing myself through your eyes."
"Céline: I always assumed you had forgotten me.
Jesse: No, I had a pretty clear picture of you in my mind"
"You know, everything is irrevocably screwed up"
"Jesse: You know, I mean I think the world might be getting better because people like you are educated into speaking out. Even the very notion of conservation, environmental issues, those weren't even in the vocabulary until fairly recently, you know, and now they're becoming a norm, and eventually might be what's expected all over the world.
Céline: I agree with what you're saying, but at the same time, it's dangerous. An imperialist country can use that kind of thinking to justify their economic greed. You know, human rights..."
"Right, I mean...me, for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, racked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older, my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them"
"So, all I've been doing was...walk around, think, and write. My brain felt like it was at rest, free from the consuming frenzy. And I have to say, it was almost like a natural high. I felt so peaceful inside, no...strange urge to be somewhere else, to shop...Maybe it could have seemed like boredom at first, but it quickly became very, very soulful. It's interesting, you know?"
"Céline: Yeah, but I feel really alive when I want something more than just basic survival needs. I mean, wanting whether it's intimacy with another person, or a new pair of shoes, is kind of beautiful. I like that we have those ever-renewing desires.
Jesse: Well, maybe it's just a sense of entitlement. You know, like whenever you feel like you deserve that new pair of shoes, you know. It's OK to want things as long as you don't get pissed off if you don't get 'em. Right? Life's hard. It's supposed to be. If we didn't suffer, we wouldn't learn a thing, you know?"
"All the warmth was gone"
"Memory is a wonderful thing, if you don't have to, uh, deal with the past."
"Yeah, I don't think anybody does; people don't want to admit it, but it's like we just...we have these innate set points."
"As soon as people got used to their new situation, they were more or less the same."
"So, you’ll now be forever depressed, no matter what great things happen in my life?"
"There's a…an Einstein quote I really, really like. He said, um: "If you don't believe in any kind of magic, or mystery, you’re basically as good as dead.""
"Yeah, I like that. I've always felt there was some kind of mystical core to the universe. You know that…More recently, I started to think that...that me...you know, my personality, whatever, that...I don't have any permanent place here. You know, in eternity, or whatever, you know. And the more I think that, I can't go through life saying that this is no big deal, you know. I mean, this is it! This is actually happening. What do you... think is interesting, what do you think is funny, what do you think is important? You know, every day is our last."
"You know, I think that book that I wrote, in a way, was like building something. So that I wouldn't forget the details of the time that we spent together. You know like, just as a reminder that...that once we really did meet, you know, that this was real. This happened."
"I’m happy you’re saying that because...I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like this! You know? People just have an affair or even...entire relationships...they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have...their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship when it ends really damages me; I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because...it hurts too much!"
"I think I...I wrote it in a way to try to find you."
"I guess when you're young...you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times."
"Céline: Well, the past is the past. It was meant to be that way.
Jesse: What, you really believe that? That everything is fated?
Céline: Well, you know, the world might be less free than we think.
Jesse: Yeah?
Céline: Yeah, when given this exact circumstances, that's what will happen every time. Two part hydrogen, one part oxygen, you'll get water every time."
"I don't need a man to feed me but I still need a man to love me and that I could love, you know. "
"It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it's like...I don't believe in anything that relates to love. "
"Reality and love are almost contradictory for me"
"The concept is absurd; the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...EVIL!! RIGHT??!!"
"You know, I guess I've been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts I make no effort…because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out."
"You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain"
"I'm so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as... like...you know, I'm detached, but I'm... I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I'm so numb. I don't feel pain, or excitement. I'm not even bitter,"
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