Archive for January 2018

In-Between

Thursday, January 25, 2018 Comments Off

Hello, void, my old friend. We meet again.

You are not as heavy as you used to. Or perhaps I have used to feel your presence in my chest. It is not much of a bother anymore, I have learned to breathe deeply with your weight burdening my chest. I know how to navigate life with you tagging along. But you are getting stronger, aren't you? Not because with the whole fiasco with an Almost Love but I know it's probably because I am living the kind of life that I fear the most. The kind that I never wanted in the first place. Though currently it is the only kind that can provide the type of intimacy and necessary kindness that I have been starving for since the dawn of my time—that particular kind that Almost Love couldn't provide.

This fear is gnawing on my sanity yet again. And with each bite of sanity that it has taken away, you grow stronger, bigger, heavier. I am almost at my wit's end. My eyes grow tired from trying to see the feelings that aren't actually there and my ears strain themselves trying to listen to the words that aren't spoken.

But I must give it to you, void. You have been present all my life, even though most of the time unknowingly, but as of the past ten years, you have stayed on the furthest corner of my eyesight as a constant companion. You have seen me with my heartbreaks, triumphs, and in-between... just like now. Funny how it all turned out, isn't it? I thought closures would be all there is to see when you are living an adult life, but as it turns out everything is greyer. I cannot expect anything more tangible than the snippets of reality that these people are willing to provide to me.
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