Archive for May 2012

Lives I Never Led

Sunday, May 13, 2012 Comments Off

Every time I came across pictures of places I've never seen before, but looked unexpectedly familiar, my eyes would start to moisten and my heart would stop beating. I suddenly thrown into feelings I rarely felt, memories I never knew I had; I got thrown into a new life altogether. I could hear the sound of the breeze, the way the water floats some leaves, the whispers of the unknown beings in the wood, the smell of the Earth after a rainfall and the way the air carries around the smell of something lovely and homely. My heart often ache when I feel that moment. That moment of being not here and not there, but just be wherever my mind put me. I don't know if these all just illusions my mind created or a simple humanly feeling of how much you feel you are not connected to this world and you seek someplace else to fill that huge heavy hole in your mind and chest. I know someone that feels this way too, someone that feels like he doesn't belong here. Like he has places to be and they are not here. I finally understand why he wanted to leave, why he did not want to live in this caged life, why he wanted to be free. I wouldn't question his motives anymore. I understand why. He needed to escape, while I need to be somewhere that's not here. I understand that there is never better than here and by being there I would acquire another there. But I know it's not here that I need to be.

There are places that have been calling me, at night, at dawn and sometimes and noon. They are luring me away from here. But was I ever here?

SEHNSUCHT

Friday, May 4, 2012 Comments Off


I know it is absurd
But everyday

Something inside of me died

The  void took its place

and they left me with nothing but

aching
clenching

flesh
heart
soul

emptiness
emptiness
emptiness

I Thought Wrong

Thursday, May 3, 2012 Comments Off

There were many bottles of beers laying around in the ground, on top of a desk and near someone's feet. The person was laying randomly on top of a couch, one hand clutching at an empty bottle of beer. He reeked of alcohol and unpleasant human odor. Furnitures were not at their right places, they were thrown, broken, shattered and some could not even be used anymore.
Unbeknownst to him, a woman slipped inside his house and looked at the mess he called home. She scanned quickly for him and tentatively walk to him. Her nose wrinkled in disgust when she smelled something bad from his body. She shook her head and then nudged his body.
A groan escaped his mouth and he opened his eyes slowly. "What're you doing here?"
"What are you doing?" she asked back, pointing at his ruined living room.
His hands waved in the air, causing the bottle shattered to the ground. He grunted.
"Seriously, what are you doing? Are you going to stay like our homeless drunk father or are you going to clean yourself?"
"Then what?" he asked, groaning slowly at the headache he caused himself.
"Chase her? Get her back? Set your company straight? Put your money on a good use? Get a fucking life?" she said.
"My, as you deliberately put, fucking life is not here." his voice was hoarse.
"Then get her. I know where to find her." she sighed.
He suddenly sat up straight and went to the bathroom.

She helped him cleaned his house and made him dinner. Finally, after one week of chips and beers, he ate real homemade food.
"Now, tell me where she is." he said after eating a spoonful of ice cream.
His sister smiled. "Promise me you won't get mad? I have informations that you might find surprising."
"Spill it."
"Well... we all know you were quite insane back then. When you were fourteen, you always took her out everyday to God knows where. You were borderline psychotic back then. She was only a bullied ten years old girl from next door. You became obsessed with her and you refused to go out without her. People gradually called her as your girl and she indeed became yours. She followed you everywhere, you followed her everywhere. She fell in love with you, much harder than you, actually."
His sister sighed.
"She... agreed to marry you, just so you won't get mad and she saved people from your wrath, we all knew what you could do with a gun on your hand. You got married. You became even more possessive at her. But..."
"What?" he promptly asked. His heart was clenching.
"Remember our picnic summer three years ago? When Julia came back from her study in UK? We all knew your eyes light up when Julia came back. And Carla... your wife... she... knew. She knew the truth behind your relationship with Julia, your infatuation, your obsession, your love for Julia. It hurt her. Especially when she looked at the fact that Julia was similar to her, the brown hair and brown eyes, the soft pale skin. She told me... she told me that night your were more passionate to her when you were... you know. She said there were something in your eyes that were so beautiful but they weren't there. She knew that you were thinking about Julia. But she kept on smiling anyway. Remember how upset you were when she found out that she loss the baby? She tried to make you happier, but she failed. You went away, didn't you? She kept it all inside. Instead of finding a new guy, she made your home to be better, so that you could come back. She got into courses, cooking lesson and such. But when you came home... she knew you were still disappointed. She hugged you, you hugged her back, but you weren't there emotionally and mentally."
Tears were streaming down both of the siblings, his more than her.
"She... felt like a useless rag doll. She said she wanted to cut herself, but remember how much you loved to touch her skin as if they were silk. She was okay being your rug doll, as long as you were happy, or at least happier than you pretended to be. When she received a call from me, about a party we were holding, she felt like she could reenact the day both of you first dancing together. Her mood increased unexpectedly. She found the perfect dress and got the best hairdo, all for you. But when the party came... although you had your arm around her, but your eyes weren't for her. They were set for another woman with brown eyes and brown hair. Her heart shattered then. She knew you were not for her anymore. She was yours, but were you hers? She knew that, well, she was the substitute. You didn't love her for who she was, she was just the company you needed. The person who was unfortunately there."
His body shook. He couldn't breath. He never knew.
"She then devised a plan. It was smart actually. She wanted you to be happy, even if it took her to go away from you. She set up a meeting between you and Julia. Remember when you excitedly called me in the middle of the night and told me you just had a dinner with Julia. Have you ever thought about her  when you had that dinner with Julia? Have you ever thought about how she felt when she smelled Julia's perfume? Couldn't you be more sensitive? It broke her. But she wanted you to be happy so... when she knew you mentally and emotionally left her completely, she took it as a sign for her to leave."
He couldn't breathe. He felt blood pumping on his ears. He felt like he was dying.
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