Archive for July 2015

Should We Try

Monday, July 6, 2015 Comments Off

"The demons inside me are scared of love." he stated. "I am too used of licking my own wounds, when someone came dabbing at my skin with alcohol, I screeched in pain, wondering about their intentions."

"My demons are afraid of what romantic love would do to me." I admitted. "I think the repercussions of romantic love are much scarier than not having your feelings returned. At least when you have an unrequited love, you won't have to deal with any unnecessary evils such as marriage, kids, insurances or taxes. Maybe loving someone in silence is much better than having to deal with the aftermath of a broken relationship. Romantic love, however destructive it could be, is something that both of us have been wanting for awhile, yet the world does not grant us. As much as I wanted romantic love, I'm always afraid of what it would bring in the future."

He looked at me. This time without judgement or any other emotion, for that matter. I could tell he was silently asking me what kind of thing that I want if neither being in love nor not being in love did not appeal me. We both knew that each others' demons were what keeping us from falling in love, from plunging to the sweet body of water that was the Styx; the irony didn't escape us. Falling in love was like that perfect bowl of ramen that other people consume, yet I can never have because they are always short of ingredients when I ordered. Some said the ramen was hot, the others said it was warm, few said it was too spicy for their taste, and most of them said the portion was enough to make you full.
"We are just two broken people, learning to both complicate and simplify our daily, mundane routines, no? Romantic love has not always been an optimum option for people to escape. There are, fortunately, other less catastrophic ways to lead a better life. But we are still persistently and consciously trying to have something that we ourselves deem as unobtainable, which at the same time strengthens the feeling of being unworthy of such attention." he ended with a smile. It wasn't in a horrifying manner like the way you smiled to your flea-smelling aunt, but it was the way you were smiling at the truth. In both frightening and exciting way, there was nothing else but the truth.

I nodded and remarked, "It's too bad, isn't it? Us, being too mental."

"How so?" I could tell he was able guess what I meant by this.

"Yeah, we understand about the subject of love too much, that it is impossible to be with one another. Because, consciously, we know that romantic love isn't supposed to be forced or cut down into smaller shapes that fit certain boxes. I think we are waiting for our saviours that can bear a certain kind of romantic love that we have always favoured. We could be great together. We would make a pair."

"In another life, we could be. Should we try? Is it better to not have any relationship at all? Is it truly better to not be with someone than to be with them and then lose them?" he pondered, both directly and indirectly questioned that to me.

I looked up to him, searching for some clue in his steely eyes. "What are you saying? Should we try?"

"I think we should."

Perhaps not every great endings start with an equally great beginning.

[hopalila]

Perpetual Potential

Saturday, July 4, 2015 Comments Off

Your scent lingered in the backseat of my friend's car today, an impossible feat, nonetheless it was real. As we drove away from the place that could have been frequently visited by the two of us, I pondered the million possibilities of our unbroken friendship if we had taken another route unlike the one we did take all those years ago. It was the craziest thing, being there. Like all of the sudden I came to a realisation that you could be the one driving, with me next to you as a nagging presence in your life. Not as a perpetual potential romantic interest, but as a pair of intertwined souls, drifting through the space and time without having to cling on to each other the way lovers would.

Can you imagine that? Us, together. Without actually having to be together. Coming home wouldn't be such a dreadful thing to do. There would be a collection of our text messages and birthday dinner invites, filling our inbox. Obligatory dinners, once every month. Infinite amount of school/work papers being sent to one another for proofread. Shared earphones during our daily commuting. Constant reassurances, support, and comfort, without forgetting the need to constructively criticise one another. A life not lived alone.


Alas, nothing of sort was meant to be. Now I know why they value lost items.
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