Archive for November 2012

VI/XXX. Flame

Friday, November 30, 2012 Comments Off

My Mum promised to me that one day I would find someone that would love me like a moth to a flame. The flame would be everlasting and would never fail to ignite in the darkest of night. The flame would be my guidance to make me see the truth about life, about the nature and about the twinkling lights of stars in the night. The flame would give me warmth when I need them and burn the memories of unwanted past. The flame would stand by my side when I only deserve the dark.

But I also wanted a love like the water. Water could find ways through all the rough of life. Water could soothe your throat and your eyes. Water could cleanse everything, the past would have no meaning for the water, for it would wash away anything that could not be washed. Water's presence was everywhere, in the sky with the clouds, near your bed with your favorite mug, inside the trees, inside you and inside me. Water could reflect everything, like the Lunar Eclipse in the sky and the colour of your hair. Water could hide secrets in the depth of itself. Water could sense anything. Water could always become pure, even though humans were corrupted.

So tell me, my heart, which one would you choose?

V/XXX. Haze

Thursday, November 29, 2012 Comments Off

We were born to the town where the haze never left the sky, it was always there, layered carefully with the real colour of the sky above. We never knew anything beside that shade of colour that hung in the sky. It had always been there since we were kids and would always continue to be there until the kids of our grandkids live. We never tried to live another way anyway. We figured, that, because the sky was the same, our lives would therefore be the same too, following the patterns with the sky. We were guided by the sky. The sky told us what we needed to do. The bright hazy morning told us that we needed to get up. The enchanting misty afternoon told us that we needed to go back to our house. And the captivating night sky told us to sleep. The same pattern always.

But we always asked ourselves: "What if the sky wasn't like this? Or that there was a possibility that another place with haze-less sky exist? Would we go there? Or stay here like the ever-present haze in the sky?"
And we always answered: "We'll never know."

IV/XXX. Snowflake

Wednesday, November 28, 2012 Comments Off

1. Some snowflakes caught in her eyelashes, causing her to blink and pushing them aside. The snowflakes were casted aside with her left hand and when she tried to pull it back, she caught someone else's hand instead. The other person smiled and shook her hand. "Hello." he said, "My name is Rick."

2. The snowflakes were bothering her coat. She shook her coat and put it on her coat hanger. Some droplets of water and some snowflakes fell to the floor. "Oh shoot." she said at the same time when her front door opened and Rick's head popped in. "Hullo."

3. They were opening the door of the cafe, before they could even properly walk out of the cafe, snowflakes fell from the roof. "Perfect." she said. "Oh, my dear, what's up with us and snow?". He smiled and pointed her ring on her left ring finger, "It's a blessing you know. Look how perfect your ring look when it's covered with snowflakes."

4. As she held their first baby against her chest, some snowflakes fell to her baby's nose, the small girl yawned but she slept again. She and him laughed at the gesture. "Snowflakes mark our life." he pointed out.

III/XXX. Restless

Tuesday, November 27, 2012 Comments Off

Raindrops were falling hard outside.
The window was right next to him, so he could hear the sound of raindrops clearly. Some people might say that raindrops were soothing and calming to your soul, but today, he might beg to differ. Raindrops could only make things more annoying and bothering than they already were. He was restless that night. He couldn't find anything else to do beside drumming his fingers to his knees. His eyes were blank and his mouth was whispering prayers to the God above.
He was restless.

Until the doctor opened the doors and let out the sound of wailing baby.

II/XXX. Accusation

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The accused: Me, Charlie Ted
The accusation: I cheated on you
The reason behind the accusation: Because your friend constantly saw me going out with a woman that looked like one of my colleagues.
The choice that you made: You left me with everything that we've built, everything that we've created, you left me with everything that we once knew. You left me with our house, our memories and our library.
The only thing that you left me: Our dreams. My laughter and my happiness are no longer here. Our apartment is void of our laughter, of our dreams and hopes. Our apartment is no longer filled with your warmth, your makeups and your expanding closet. It is now left with dark dawns and long nights. No longer cuddling time or even your tummy-rubbing time every month. No more collecting raindrops and sunshine, no longer making burned sushis and listening to classical music. It is dark and empty.
The truth behind the reason of the accusation: I was getting ready for my speech to marry you. I had one of my colleagues pretended to be you and she taught me how to say the speech. But now, I guess, it no longer matters.

I/XXX. Beginning

Sunday, November 25, 2012 Comments Off

The car was old, we could tell from the smell. The smell of worn leathers, dusty dashboards and buried secrets in between the seams of the seats. But we didn't care. It was the first car that we purchased together. The first thing that we could afford together. Our first baby.

I still remembered the first day we showed it to everyone. Smiles were in our face. We could feel our checks were forming tight lines because of too much smiling. Everyone congratulated us for accomplishing such a small, but significant thing. It was the physical form of our love. The only thing that reminded us that we were together.

Then, we impulsively moved to the other side of the country. To the seaside town, where the smell of the ocean blended with the smell of your clothes, or even the leaves that had fallen to your laps when you sat on a bench that overlooked the sea. When we saw the ocean for the first time, we could feel it was the beginning of something. It was the beginning of our life.

Thirty by Thirty

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This is something that I came across in Tumblr.
You basically have to make stories based upon these words for thirty days. I think the challenge is good for my soul, so I'm able to write something more; not sadness, grief or longing.
If I don't write anything in one day, I will compensate on doing it on the next day.

The words are:
beginning. accusation. restless. snowflake. haze. flame. formal. companion. move. silver. prepared. knowledge. denial. wind. order. thanks. look. summer. transformation. tremble. sunset. mad. thousand. outside. winter. diamond. letters. promise. simple. future.
I'm going to start the challenge tonight with the word //beginning//. 

I Have Never

Thursday, November 22, 2012 Comments Off

Have you ever love someone so much that you want to grow inside them as an invisible soul? Or trade places with their lungs so you can be lulled to oblivion with their heartbeats. Or live in their shadows so you can be with them all the time, curled up perfectly when they are asleep. Or trap yourself inside one of their veins, so you can feel the steady thump of blood every second, telling you that they are alive and well. Or become their favorite blue socks that warm them up at night, so you can be there on his coldest moments. Or open a small ice cream parlor where they can get their favorite mint chocolate chip ice cream when they are down. Or turn yourself into their book spines, so that they can stroke you when they come across you. Or sleep under their fingertips, so you can be rubbed by his fingers all the time.


Monday, November 19, 2012 Comments Off

I want to know how it feels like to hold your hand at night
and how it feels like to wear your oversized button-down
how your collarbones smell like in the morning
how your hair smells like after shower in the middle of the night
how long your stubble needs to grow into beards

I want to know if you prefer the smell of rose over lily for your clothes
if you prefer to write on the bed, not on top of the kitchen table
if you prefer the black part of the oreo, and leave the cream part aside
if you have a favorite blanket when you were a kid
if you have a favorite store that sells the best ice cream in town

I want to know which book do you have in your library
is it Harry Potter or
Jane Austen's or
War And Peace or
Alice In Wonderland

I want to know do you have baggy clothes or fitted ones
do you have any secret tattoos
do you have any band t-shirts
do you have any guilty pleasure songs
do you have any favorite fictional characters

I want to know how it feels like to be your number one
and how it feels like to hold your heart
how it feels like to have your arms catch me
how it feels like to know your uttermost secret


Saturday, November 10, 2012 Comments Off

  1. What eye color do you find sexiest?
    Anything piercing. Black really appeals to me currently. You know as they say, black encompasses all colour, it knows more than the others.
  2. White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
    Dark chocolate definitely. The bitter the better.
  3. If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?
    I think I would like a quote run across my shoulder. Something that reminds me that I should never forget my dreams. Something along that line.
  4. Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
    I grew up in both, but mainly in the big town. I have the loyalty of small town people, but the bravery of big town people. I am not sure whether or not I like the life I had, but it had been very educational and it really tested my ability to survive.
  5. Pirates or ninjas? Why?
    Definitely pirates. They live a very adventurous lives that I wish I could be a part of.
  6. If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
    A wolf that I will name 'Snow', a polar bear that I will name 'Glimmer' and a shark (of any kind) that I will name 'Killer'
  7. What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life? I don't have 'the most', but I think these food are the tastiest food ever: Nachos from Odeon, Rib-eye steak from Outback steakhouse, any Indian food in any restaurant in London, this small Chinese restaurant in Southwark, this pub-like Thai restaurant in Southwark. That is all that I can think of. Any additional thing I will add later on.
  8. If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
    I don't think it would be a city skyline, but I think it would be a small English town sky where you can see the mix of the globalization and the humbleness of small town folk.
  9. If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
    Sweden. I think. Because UK is overpopulated for now, but I think I would travel around, like a Gypsy.
  10. Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
    I have a soft spot for good horror and/or thriller movies. My favorite horror movies are Silent Hill and a Thai movie called Coming Soon, but I'd never watch them again. I don't have any favorite thriller movies, but I love movies like The Cell.
  11. Do you want to get married? Have kids?
    One of the things that I want to accomplish is to get married with someone that I will never grow out of love. And we will live together happily with two kids that have my nose, hair, lips and his eyes.
  12. City or nature person?
    I'm a city person, but I love to get lost in the nature from time to time. I tend to be more peaceful in places with perpetual rain and green scenery. And I think one day I will live somewhere in the small countryside house.
  13. You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?
    Probably that quote across my shoulder. Or maybe a star on my wrist, or perhaps a sun. Something delicate, but unquestionably me.
  14. What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for?
    Stalking some celebrities to the point of obsession.
  15. If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?
    I think I want to be Aomame from 1Q84.
  16. You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?
    My parents, brother and my other family members.
  17. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
    I think I want to tell my past self to stalk celebrities when I was in the land of perpetual rain where they held Olympics in the summer 2012.
  18. If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
    I would be Carbon, because I can be everyone's necessity.
  19. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
    My third grade.
  20. If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?
    It would be huge, with indoor, outdoor and water rides. You can swim with the dolphins and everyone will be happy.
  21. Currently wanting to see anyone?
    Yes. Someone that could support me take away all of my pain.
  22. Is the cup half full or half empty for you right now?
    I'm a half-empty kind of girl, but lately I'm trying to think in a more optimistic way.
  23. Do you believe in fate/destiny?
    Yes, because coincidence is just fate misnamed.
  24. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?
    I believe in those sort of things. Because it would be terribly lonely if we are truly alone in this infinite universe.
  25. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?

Find Me Before Someone Else Does

Sunday, November 4, 2012 Comments Off

Rainy days make you ponder. And search about life's meanings. They make you question everything. Not God, no. God's existence, for those who believe in God religiously, is unquestionable because God has God's own purpose and God's entire existence cannot be doubted.

But what about humans? The individuals? The people you see everyday. The people that walk past by you when you are purchasing an ice cold orange juice when it's hot outside. Or the people that sit next to your table when you are sipping your hot chocolate. What are they purpose in this life? Or at least, in yours?

I think the melancholy of the modern world, the world that is built upon two world wars and political conspiracies, is that our own brooding of our existence and to some extent, identity. We are grown by the world that no longer has the threats of the survival of the citizens, because this world no longer recognizes the pain of being scared of what tomorrow brings.

But this world, we, as the future leaders of our own generations, are grown by the world where they ask your own true identity and contribution in this world. We even question ourselves, are we truly living or merely existing?

We seem to be more critical, but even more confused than the generations that precede us. We question almost everything, but never really search the answers. We question our own existence, but never search for ourselves. We are the lost generations. Because it seems that no one can answer any of our questions. We are just floating here, hoping the stream will take us somewhere, anywhere. The shelters we have are in the form of false Gods, temporarily assuring us that we are meant to be like that. But some people know better, some people tend to be better in that sense, some people try to be better but failed. We are doing this because we need something to identify us, to make each of us different from the other seven billion human entities in this planet. We are doing this because we are lost.

We don't want to be boxed either. We do not want to name ourselves as 'the middle children' or even 'the lost children' or perhaps, my favorite, 'the children who fills the in-between'. We want someone to remember us the reason why we exist, why we bother living in this world at all. Why we wake up every morning doing the same routine over and over again. The same, dull, boring and restless routine. And why we are doing what our precede generations are doing. School, college, work, retirement, school, college, work, retirement, school, college, work...

Some of us try to be different and succeeded. They are now being called as the idols. As the rescuers of our void-fill hearts. They are our gurus, the musicians and the singers. The writers and the actors. The designers and the hermits. The travelers and the storytellers. These are the people we run into. The people that make a simple difference. The people that can be differed from any other normal people. These people have found their own twinkles. Something inside of them that makes them different and they project them to the world. Their self-actualizations.

We love to hear the tales of the storytellers. They have been everywhere. They have finally found their homes. While the rest of us, we have this, incurable until further notice, homesickness and longing for a world and a place that we have never been, or for places that we are longing to come back to. A place that make, at least, our hearts at ease. A place where we truly belong. Our own personal niches.

But I think, there is a good thing in being lost. We can be found. Maybe not the whole self identity, but at least, by someone who cares. Someone who understands, or perhaps has lived through, the pain of being lost once. We can both be lost and found at the same time, because we are lost in the feeling of being found and understood by someone. The same other entities that have their own needs to be founded or to be cured from their voids.

Our melancholy is this void in our heart. And we cannot fill them until we know what can. But before that can be done, here is the things you can do to at least temporarily fill them: get utterly lost in cities you've never been to, make friends out of strangers in the streets, make cupcakes, make chocolate, drink hot chocolate, write something (anything) in your book, read a book (preferably those that are easy to enjoy), cry yourself to sleep, make a project with some friends, eat food you've never tasted before, draw a painting of some wild flowers, make a road trip. Find someone that accepts you completely, flaws and all, because someday, only this someone that will remember you for you and this someone will get lost with you. So, what about you, sir? Do you want to get lost with me? 
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