Archive for 2019

You Are

Wednesday, March 13, 2019 Comments Off

In my other lives, it did not take me 24 years to find you.

One version of me found you when we were little, matching scrapped knees and all. The blinding light of hospital emergency room beamed on your cheeky smile with hair drenched in blood. My na├»ve typhus-clouded mind mistook it for battle wound, something that you received after gunning down a couple of hideous monsters. And unlike the rest of insipid people in the room, you smiled back at me after I tentatively gave you a little wave. "In here because of fever," I said. "What about you? Were you fighting demons?" I asked.  "No," you replied "I am here because of me." I nodded as if my nine years old brain understood what you meant by that. Watching our exchanges, our adoptive uncles decided to let us keep in touch with each other—decidedly then was through mails and attended phone calls. This was our most innocent cute meet.

My other version met you in between rows of secondhand bookracks. At first, there was no sparks whatsoever since each of us was there strictly for school-related assignments. You were doing a school project with your friends, filming a short documentary about how the price of a book did not directly affect the cause of illiteracy in Indonesia since secondhand bookstores were not exactly flooded with people. On the other hand, I was there for a less intimidating school project—finding a certain old book that was no longer printed and sold in any bookstore chains. Amidst English literature and half-colored drawing books we met each other, each of us thinking the other worked at the store. We effusively apologized afterwards for making the mistake, but that was not before we helped each other on our projects. This sparked friendship and, much later on, courtship.

Another version of us meeting each other in the early days of our lives was through the wars that resided in both of our heads. A lot of self-hatred that accumulated throughout the years of our lives made us tear each other apart—ruined every predisposition that we thought we had about ourselves. We pulled apart anything and everything that made us who we were; every wicked, heinous, malignant part of us was burnt to ashes. We were half-villain and half-hero to our own mind. It took us meeting each other to disrupt that into something that was no longer a pair of abomination, but just a pair of human beings, trying to love one another completely and trying to fill in the emptiness that in which our own hatred used to reside.

A version of us got properly introduced to the other when we were abroad during a gathering for postgraduate Indonesian students. We always saw the other during the night bus ride home, but it never occurred to both of us that the other was fellow Indonesian. As it turned out, the reason why we always saw the other during late hours was because our night classes often lined up with each other and we lived a street apart. So we decided then and there to always come home together. It was not long until we came home to one another. This scenario introduced us to domesticity long before we understood what it was.

But none of these versions is as good as our own. We came into each other's lives at the right time that I think the Universe conspired with itself to match us together. In this version, my own, I have always wished to find someone (and even something) like you (and your love). You are my necessary kindness from the Universe. You are what it owed to me after eons of nothing but silence echoing in the void. You are specifically made for me, every last minutiae of you. All your atoms and mine were destined to collide and fuse together as if the exact moment life created you, it also designed me to complement you. In this Universe, I am blessed for having you in my life even after solely carrying my own heartache for two and half decades, even after shedding pints of my own blood after self-declared war on my own brain, even after unattended fancy dinners, even after discovering unsharable facts, and even after searching for the meaning of life by myself. This version of mine loves this version of you and could not even be more blessed to have you in my life—a fact which I am sure any other version agrees with that. You make sense of everything that this world brought upon me. You are essential, important, and crucial. You are how defined strength, bravery, and home.


Tuesday, February 26, 2019 Comments Off

I am still her.

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Wednesday, January 9, 2019 Comments Off

I used to not know what I would do with romantic love if it ever comes.

Would I gather my past, put it in a pandora's box and present it to romantic love to be butchered, dissected, and mangled in any way they see fit? Would I overthink every minuscule gesture that romantic love perform? Would my insecurities and unbelief towards myself hinder and halt the natural progression of our dynamics? Would my need for constant reassurance and quality time potentially becomes the reason why we fall apart? Would my clinginess and skinhunger become some sort of obstacle to move our relationship further?

All it took to answer every question that came from the inherently worrywart part within me was one specific guy. In a really short period, he had become one of very few people in this world who could understand and tolerate my way of thinking. Every doubt that I have about my disability in exploring the possibility of love or even experiencing it was obliterated in a deliberate manner.

It is true that navigating a new romantic relationship is not an undemanding odyssey since it encourages us to communicate with one another due to our zero historical similarities—which truthfully sometimes makes me doubt the durability of our relationship. However, I do not doubt the romantic love that we have for one another. Unlike with the previous cases, notably with The Impossibility, I feel secured in the feelings that we are experiencing. He reminds me that romance shouldn't incite unwanted feelings like insecurity, hurt, and doubt—all the undesirable feelings that I used to experience everyday during my venture with The Impossibility.

With his presence in my life, I feel the type of peace, contentment, kindness, and happiness that I have never felt with anyone else before. There are things that I discovered and rediscovered through his help—unearthing long lost things that were buried deep within the crux of my soul. The kind of stuff that I already knew yet needed a reminder of.

He amended many damaged established relationships that I have—including the one with myself. He pointed out positive aspects of them to be highlighted while also encouraging me to respect the humane bits of them all by acknowledging the tragic, grimy, dark, and bitter parts about being related to other humans in 21st century. By asking me to highlight the positive reels and accepting the unpleasant parts about my previously established relationships, he unpremeditatedly requires me to do the same thing with our relationship.

He reminds me to give space for each other to grow without necessarily sacrificing our time to be clingy and touchy. He makes me loudly proclaim my love to him whenever his demons are too loud. He bravely asks for my companionship whenever his soul needs to rest in order to receive constant reassurances. He lets me see his pandora's box by expressing his vulnerability, downfalls, and flaws. Our necessary kindness to each other has always with the intention of staying together and not letting each other go.

Because, after all, why would you let go of something that has only given you peace, serenity, contentment, and kindness?

Discovering Love

Sunday, January 6, 2019 Comments Off

The most rational place to find him would be somewhere in between the numerous familiar faces printed on my yearbook. A guy whose growth and development could be monitored from afar—as a topic that would be brought up once during a mandatory brunch session with my girls. Someone whose life track could be easily traced due to shared societal and social commonalities. We would not have to navigate ourselves in each other's history since everything would be unbiasedly recognizable. However, such person could not be found in the midst of familiar faces in any of my school pictures.

Sharing the same workplace would be the second most logical place to discover him. I thought I was able to meet a well-seasoned guy in my office that could potentially lead me to a better prosperous life. Yet, such person does not exist. Instead of contentment and mentorship, all I could find in my office was an almost love. An almost love who now I call as impossibility as a precise moniker. An impossibility that could only give me handful of anxiety, insecurity, and chaos. Perhaps what I was back then was only a jumbled mess that could not recognise the fallacy of almost loving someone without seeing it as something that it actually was: a mistake. It took me almost a year to rediscover myself again—to finally accept the truth that my point of view about life, lust, love and what I wanted was too distorted back then. But I should also be thankful for impossibility, because after grievously surviving the chaos, I recognised my self-worth and strength. And without impossibility, I would not have found him for there would not be a reason for me to find him if impossibility was possible.

I would not have thought I would find him only some time after my interaction with impossibility. It was not my intention to come upon him in this way. What I wanted was only sharing necessary kindness and attention to someone whose entire life has always been dedicated to other people than himself. There was never any ulterior motive when I first communicate with him other than aiding him in alleviating his heartache. It is true that I would not have been drawn into him without amusing tales of his interesting life, yet what made me stay was everything that he could evoke and silence in me by properly relaying everything on our minds to each other to minimise mishaps. Everything that he has done always with the goal of making our dynamic works considering our zero historical similarities. Even though I could not find him in any single thread of my past, yet I could discover him in all other places I never thought I could look for.

I discovered him in all the words I have ever spoken, making us less prone to have miscommunication or even when it does happen, we could easily untangle the mess. I discovered him in all the movies and tv show I have watched, making it hard for us to run out of topics to discuss or dissect. I discovered him in all the dislikes that we share about particular things that had us laughing or scorning. I discovered him in all the demons he tamed. I discovered him in every fights and miscommunications we ever had. I discovered him in all the things that we passionately believe in, all the things that had us giddy and excited whenever we find more commonalities in our beliefs. I discovered him in the hours we spent talking with each other and in times we are apart. I discovered him in my father's favourite music, our lullabies from decades past. I discovered him in my mother's favourite local dishes and distaste in uncooked food. I discovered him in my brother's straightforwardness. I discovered him in home brewed tea. I discovered him in filtered coffee. I discovered him in bitter desserts. I discovered him in the bottom of Guinness bottle. I discovered him in wordless eye contacts. I discovered him in reciprocated romantic exchanges. I discovered him in comforting cuddles and soothing snuggles. I discovered him in forehead and cheek kisses. I discovered him in all the stories that ever told and will be told to him.

And so, I discovered love, peace, and happiness, all at the same time.
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