Archive for May 2013

Aloha.

Friday, May 31, 2013 Comments Off

While I do not fully understand the actions which those fellow youngsters do by justifying said actions using the current popular term 'yolo', but I do understand the sentiments. I understand the need for living in the now--the present--as opposed to longing for the repetition of the past in the future or hoping that the future would hold for a better improvement of the current story we all living (or indeed, for some, surviving). I understand why some of the thoughtful ones want to do it--the ones that do not fall into the categories of the typical nonsense 'young, wild and free', the ones that actually want to make the best of everything that they have right now. And of course, I support that wholeheartedly.

I support the notion that everyone and everything has a limited time--no matter how powerful they are, how wealthy, how wealthy, how sane or even insane they are, they have limited time. Especially humans, since, as the years progress, the closest things that we have to anti-aging product are those that our parents (and grandparents) use daily. So, indeed, as human, we need to sometimes let it go.

It? Yes, it being the demons and their playgrounds inside our ever-turning head or even the demons that lie in the anxieties and nervousness that we have about the future or about each other. However, no matter how easy I've written it down, I have the hardest time of letting go/dwelling with/ignoring those devils inside my head; but of course, they are coincidentally called devils inside our heads because we actually cause them to exist in this world, they are the creation of our brains. Well, at least, I do--my head does.

People who actually know me, the very same people that I've been calling/texting/IMing when I have problems or teeny thoughts, know that I constantly have a war inside my head. A war, not between good or evil mind you, with myself that exclusively and continuously as both opponents. It is understandably random, yet, it often causes me anxieties or even panic attacks. It is painful for me if someone left me alone with my own thoughts because the devils had made home there; those devils and demons that are not even invited or welcomed there. However, lately I have noticed that they are triggered by anxieties (which cause even more anxieties) or even something poignant that affect me so deeply inside out, but also, they trigger those anxieties. I can't honestly and brutally say nothing more than the truth behind the famous "circle of the devil", since it keeps on influencing one another.

I no longer have any idea how to react. These songs that used to support me and blocking both inner and outer voices out can not cure me anymore. I don't know where to lean on, or at least where to just hide safely, cocooned gently and lie carefully.

This is why I choose to have a getaway vacation. Just for ten days. To a place that is seemingly eerily constantly called as paradise in the middle of this sick jungle. So, aloha.

#2 of 27/5

Monday, May 27, 2013 Comments Off

At some point in our lives, we would come to realize that love is not the only thing that keeps a relationship going (whatever kind of that relationship, be it from parents to their children or even from an infatuated fool of a fan for her celebrity idol). False or misinterpretation of what they have said to one another could possibly lead to a halt of said relationships or even a permanent disconnection (the parents could have meant that they would buy her a new dress by the end of the month but she took it as a "no go" or the celebrity could have said that he hated working at his past work and the girl mistook it as a sign of hating the project entirely).

Trust is also another reason why relationships work in the first place, since without it misunderstanding could be easily formed (the girl attended certain parties and her parents mistook it as a sign of her being rebellious or her idol was continuously seen in front of bars looking wasted).

And so... are love, communication and trust the ground of your relationship?

#1 of 27/5

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Earlier today, I decided to get a haircut and dye my hair. It was not an impulsive act, per se, but it was indeed something that I was not thoroughly planned like I always do in matters that can cause a permanent change in me. But then again, I only changed my hairstyle, didn't I?

So anyway.
When I was stuck sitting for almost four hours, contemplating about the result of my dyed hair, I had a sudden realization about myself and perhaps, to some extent, the world. No matter how hard I try to plan something (up until to the point it becomes something that I hopefully be), the ending result does not always up to me
Perhaps I've known this since I took certain classes concerning governmental acts of creating and making decisions--the whole blackboxed process that would determine the output, but still, it felt foreign. The idea that I can't control anything in the end feels really foreign for me, since for all the time in this world, I've been playing it 'safe', hence predictable result. And also, maybe, the reason that I am afraid of falling in love is because it is considered as gambling. Plus, I used to not believe in finding love in this fast-paced life where everyone runs to catch up with the rotating world. I used to think that love would be impossible because we would be so wrapped up with our own lives that we would not bother to care or even think about others that may seem to be more complicated with our own. It felt like an impossibility that I shouldn't even be bothered to think about.

Nevertheless.
Falling in love still feels like a luxury. How do I cope without it or with it? Will my heart survive the ultimate crashlanding to some unknown realm that has many possibilities (including heartbreaks, marriages, deaths and surprise pregnancies)? Or will my heart stay intact after being in a vacuumed place for so long (referring to this small hole inside of my soul)?

Me

Friday, May 10, 2013 Comments Off

Me, staying alive after the war -- war between you and me.
Me, listening to the sound of some love songs that used to mean a lot to us.
Me, musing over some love stories and then give myself a heartache because of it.
Me, watching old movies -- and new movies -- alone.
Me, eating ice cream in the park and feeling cold but not because of the weather.
Me, riding the tube with book that accompanies me.

Me, living alone without you.

Love

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Thanks to you, in the basic of terms, I learned what love actually is:

Love is sitting in silence inside a cafe, with you studying (or most of the time doodling away) next to me.
Love is sharing a cone of jamoca almond fudge ice cream with you
Love is watching psychological thriller like The Cell with you and arguing about our favorite psychopats.
Love is rambling in the cinemas to each others' ears because we are trying to guess the plot.
Love is gazing at the dark night blossoming into a bright blue.
Love is listening to my chatters on everyone and anyone and everything -- and in return, listening to yours.
Love is letting me eat the same food everyday for a month.
Love is doing the dishes together and ending up wet our whole clothes.
Love is together believing that it would not rain today, but instead we got soaked up -- again.
Love is travelling to places where I have never been before.
Love is praying silently for you to come home soon for your birthday surprise.
Love is finding a favorite snug cafe near our home.
Love is falling for you over and over again everyday.
Love is you -- love is me.

Don't.

Saturday, May 4, 2013 Comments Off

Don't ask me to stay.

Make me. Tell me reasons. Point out things that are good for me if I choose to stay instead. Convince me. Bleed for me. Find me ways to accept the idea of holding on to this place. Call me everyday just to make sure that I am still in here. Confront me about the idea of leaving is actually not good. Push my limits. Negotiate with me. Go on a war with me. Force me to remember the best things about being in here.

Just don't ask me to stay without knowing the reasons. Don't tell me that leaving here would not have a good outcome for me. Don't tell me to enjoy this place without showing me what to enjoy. Don't call me only when you need me. Don't argue with me when you just want to win. Don't force me to stay. Because I would never stay.

It is deep-rooted within me that I have to find and define my home. I have to go and grow. For I have never felt anything but hatred and sadness in here. Hatred of self for being not enough for the impossibly insane standards that people have in here, and hatred for others who are much better and who resent me. Happiness marks certain occasions, but never becomes something that come along routinely like sadness, grief, emptiness and groundless void in my heart. I swallow what they usually called 'bitter pills' everyday, but for me it doesn't taste bitter -- instead, it tastes like something that is overly soured, pungent at first and then it left this aftertaste that I often can't bear so I puke it out in the form of listening to noisy songs. Sometimes I feel like someone punch me on my chest, the other times I feel like someone took away some of my breaths, and the rest of the time I feel like there is this disorderedness that hovers inside me.

So please, just let me leave.

You

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In the end it's just you.

You, reminiscing about memories of the past while listening to the forgotten songs of happy endings and high school stories.
You, watching a play at the nearby theatre by yourself after a nice dinner on your favorite restaurant near the river.
You, buying the same brand of perfume and soaps on the same store that has changed their generations of clerks and owners.
You, going to the library -- yes, that small snug library around the corner -- and caressing the spines of your favorite books.
You, standing straight on the platform of the station and gazing around the crowd -- secretly hoping that you can catch a familiar pair of eyes or bump into some people you already know before.
You, smelling the cherry blossoms that just bloom on the park where you first saw the same exact tree.
You, strolling around the secondhand shops and trying to find that pearl earrings that similar to the once you have worn out.
You, sipping a cup of hot chocolate since you cannot stomach a cup of caffeine anymore.
You, drawing a face of someone you once knew.
and

You, staying alive and feeling alive.
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