#1 of 27/5
Earlier today, I decided to get a haircut and dye my hair. It was not an impulsive act, per se, but it was indeed something that I was not thoroughly planned like I always do in matters that can cause a permanent change in me. But then again, I only changed my hairstyle, didn't I?
So anyway.
When I was stuck sitting for almost four hours, contemplating about the result of my dyed hair, I had a sudden realization about myself and perhaps, to some extent, the world. No matter how hard I try to plan something (up until to the point it becomes something that I hopefully be), the ending result does not always up to me.
Perhaps I've known this since I took certain classes concerning governmental acts of creating and making decisions--the whole blackboxed process that would determine the output, but still, it felt foreign. The idea that I can't control anything in the end feels really foreign for me, since for all the time in this world, I've been playing it 'safe', hence predictable result. And also, maybe, the reason that I am afraid of falling in love is because it is considered as gambling. Plus, I used to not believe in finding love in this fast-paced life where everyone runs to catch up with the rotating world. I used to think that love would be impossible because we would be so wrapped up with our own lives that we would not bother to care or even think about others that may seem to be more complicated with our own. It felt like an impossibility that I shouldn't even be bothered to think about.
Nevertheless.
Falling in love still feels like a luxury. How do I cope without it or with it? Will my heart survive the ultimate crashlanding to some unknown realm that has many possibilities (including heartbreaks, marriages, deaths and surprise pregnancies)? Or will my heart stay intact after being in a vacuumed place for so long (referring to this small hole inside of my soul)?
So anyway.
When I was stuck sitting for almost four hours, contemplating about the result of my dyed hair, I had a sudden realization about myself and perhaps, to some extent, the world. No matter how hard I try to plan something (up until to the point it becomes something that I hopefully be), the ending result does not always up to me.
Perhaps I've known this since I took certain classes concerning governmental acts of creating and making decisions--the whole blackboxed process that would determine the output, but still, it felt foreign. The idea that I can't control anything in the end feels really foreign for me, since for all the time in this world, I've been playing it 'safe', hence predictable result. And also, maybe, the reason that I am afraid of falling in love is because it is considered as gambling. Plus, I used to not believe in finding love in this fast-paced life where everyone runs to catch up with the rotating world. I used to think that love would be impossible because we would be so wrapped up with our own lives that we would not bother to care or even think about others that may seem to be more complicated with our own. It felt like an impossibility that I shouldn't even be bothered to think about.
Nevertheless.
Falling in love still feels like a luxury. How do I cope without it or with it? Will my heart survive the ultimate crashlanding to some unknown realm that has many possibilities (including heartbreaks, marriages, deaths and surprise pregnancies)? Or will my heart stay intact after being in a vacuumed place for so long (referring to this small hole inside of my soul)?