Archive for August 2011

Dearest Elaine,

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 Comments Off

Do you remember when we went to England?
When we basked ourselves under the sunlight in the middle of breezy London afternoon?
When we ate fish and chips together on our way to Manchester?
When you insisted to meet the Queen?
When you almost drained all of our savings in every shops?
When we kissed under London Eye?
When we missed our train to Paris?
When you got fascinated by numerous of books in The British Library?
When I kissed your pout after you got soaked because of the unexpected rain?
When you squealed after I bought you a necklace that you wanted?
When I screamed 'I love you' and you screamed back?
Do you remember when we went to England for our honeymoon?


Happy 20th Anniversary,
Daniel

Interesting Conversations.

Monday, August 22, 2011 Comments Off

I am officially a uni student as of last thursday. I've attended three classes for the past seventy two hours and frankly, uni isn't what I thought it would be. As opposed to giant classrooms with giant blackboards, my uni got medium-sized classrooms with whiteboards and projectors. And I still haven't got the "This is my campus" feeling, like I belong there, to any kind of community available. Perhaps it's too early to draw any assumptions, perhaps it's too early to guess, because after all... I've only been there for almost two weeks.
Anyhow, I found out that all of my lecturers that I've met have the same mind like mine, if not far greater. Thoughts that I've been thinking for a long time are gradually being sorted out by their great minds.

Here are some of the interesting lines:
"Tujuan semua ilmu pengetahuan? Untuk mencari dan menemukan kebenaran."
"Kalau kebenaran menyimpang akan terjadi kehancuran."
"Ilmu harus dipakai untuk kesejahteraan ras manusia."
"Kebenaran datang dari sejarah."
"Bisa tidak sama dengan boleh."
"Hidup ini banyak tawaran bukan pilihan."
"Kata sama, tetapi presepsi dan interpretasi setiap orang berbeda."
"Pikiran beda tetapi pemahaman sama."
"Waktu itu milik Tuhan."
"Kita secara ngga sadar sebenernya dandan untuk orang lain, untuk dilihat oleh orang lain."
"Kelakuan anda dilihat dari struktur sosial."
"Pendidikan Indonesia menyeragamkan pikiran semua orang, jadi ngga ada yang nyeleneh."

I especially agree to the one about Indonesia's education type as I've been agreeing to other negative comments about our education. It's not like I hate my education or dislike it with all my heart, but I feel like most of the subjects that we study of aren't quite necessary, we should study about things that we like personally, and we shouldn't be misled by any other unimportant studies in respect to our choice of subject in college/university. We shouldn't study about things that don't have any good in our future except to fulfill the thirst of our own knowledge. We should broaden our knowledge, not putting them in blocks of the same contents and feeding them to people. Our education curriculum is the opposite of what they have in the developed countries, they study specific things with a great depth, while we study many things but only small parts of them.

Recommendation #1

Saturday, August 20, 2011 Comments Off

Pablo Neruda
His works is one of the greatest works I've ever read. Mostly poetries, but they are hauntingly beautiful.

A.
"Don't go far off, not even for a day,
because I don't know how to say it - a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in
an empty station when the trains are
parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because then
the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.


Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve
on the beach, may your eyelids never flutter
into the empty distance. Don't LEAVE me for
a second, my dearest, because in that moment you'll
have gone so far I'll wander mazily
over all the earth, asking, will you
come back? Will you leave me here, dying?"

B.
"and that's why i have to go back
to so many places
there to find myself
and constantly examine myself
with no witness but the moon
and then whistle with joy,
ambling over rocks and clods of earth,
with no task but to live,
with no family but the road."

C.
"Love.

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming
Flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer
Remember your hands; how did your lips
Feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues
Drowsing in the parks, the white statues that
Have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice;
I have forgotten your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to
My vague memory of you. I live with pain
That is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
Make to me an irreperable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing
Vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to
Glimpse you in every window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of
Summer pain me; because of you, I again
Seek out the signs that precipitate desires:
Shooting stars, falling objects."

D.
"I got lost in the night, without the light
of your eyelids, and when the night surrounded me
I was born again: I was the owner of my own darkness."

E.
"so I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache."

F.
"But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me."

G.
"my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping
but
I shall go on living."

H.
"Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. "

Sebuah Pengakuan

Friday, August 19, 2011 Comments Off

Dia menutup matanya, kemudian membuka kedua matanya. Menutup lagi. Membuka lagi. Menutup. Membuka.
"Ada apa, Sar?" tanyaku, menatapnya dengan penasaran.
Sarah tertawa. Tertawa dengan nikmat dan renyah. Tawanya menggema bukit-bukit. "Nggak ada apa-apa, Ray. Aku bosan." katanya.
Aku hanya mengangguk. "Kita bisa pergi kok kalo lo mau."
Dia menggelengkan kepalanya. "Ga usah, Ray."
Aku terdiam. Tidak mengerti kenapa dia memilih untuk diam disini kalau dia tau dia bosen. "Pindah aja yuk." ajakku.
"Ngga usah ah, enak disini. Adem." sebutnya. Kedua tangannya bergerak-gerak secara acak diatas udara.
Aku menyeringai. "Yaudah, kalo emang itu mau lo. Kedinginan gak?"
"Ngga kok." jawabnya.
Aku mengangguk. "Yaudah kalo lo kedinginan, bilang ya."
Dia mengangguk lucu.

Kami menatap pemandangan dalam diam. Pikiranku kemana-mana, tetapi berporos pada satu tema, pada satu sumber. Pikiranku melanglang buana seperti meteor-meteor yang bertubrukan dengan satu sama lain dari arah yang berbeda meskipun ujung-ujungnya menuju ke tempat yang sama. Pikiranku seperti aliran air di sungai-sungai, berasal dari mata air yang berbeda, tetapi menuju ke tempat yang sama, ke lautan biru lepas. Pikiranku selalu berujung-ujung ke dia. Sarah.
"Kenapa, Rayhan? Kok diem? Lagi mikirin apa?" katanya mengagetkanku.
"Ngga, ngga apa-apa. Lo kedinginan gak?" tanyaku dengan nada yang sedikit memaksa.
Dia tersenyum dan mengangguk. Aku melepaskan jaketku dan memberikan jaketku kepadanya. "Nih, pake aja."
"Makasih. Eh tapi kamu kedinginan gak? Ntar aku make eh kamu yang kedinginan, kan gak lucu." katanya.
Aku mengangguk. "Gak kok, pake aja. Gue kan udah biasa dingin."
Dia menjulurkan lidah. "Sok banget sih kamu. Mentang-mentang sempet tinggal di Aussie."
Aku tertawa ringan. "Nggak, bukan itu maksud gue, cuma kan emang gue sering tinggal di tempat dingin."
"Ih emangnya aku ngga? Aku kan sempet tinggal di Bogor, Rey."
"But that's besides the point, chikadee." kataku.
Dia cemberut. Lucu. "Ih. Rese."
Aku kembali tertawa. "Lo tuh yang rese, masa make jaket aja nggak mau, kalo lo sakit gimana?"
Dia terdiam. "Oh iya."
Aku semakin tertawa. Ketika aku sudah berhenti tertawa, aku tarik dia kepelukanku. "Gimana? Anget?"
Dia tersenyum malu dan mengangguk. Semakin lama aku peluk, semakin ia membenamkan badannya kepelukanku.
"Mau kemana abis ini, Sar?" tanyaku.
"Hmm... makan yuk? Kamu belom makan dari siang ya, Rey?" tanyanya.
"Mau makan dimana?"
Dia terdiam sejenak kemudian berkata, "Di rumah kamu aja yuk, Tante Risti ngga akan marah kan kalo aku nge-grecokin dapurnya?"
Aku tertawa, setelah bertahun-tahun mengenal keluargaku seperti keluarganya sendiri, ia masih malu-malu berada di keluargaku? Lucu. "Nggalah, lagian ngga usah masak juga lo udah ngeberantakin rumah gue."
"Ih jahat!" katanya sambil memukul tanganku dengan ringan.
Aku tertawa kembali. "Abis lo kalo ke rumah gue kayaknya segala macem dikeluarin, kayak anak TK aja."
"Ih tapi kan barang-barang di rumah lo emang seru, Ray." sangkalnya.
Aku tertawa. Lagi. Gampang banget dia membuatku tertawa. "Yaudah, jalan yuk sekarang."
Dia mengangguk kemudian berdiri. "Ayo."
Aku berdiri dan berjalan ke mobil dengannya.
"Gimana?" tanyaku.
"Gimana apanya?" tanyanya balik, dia terlihat benar-benar bingung.
"Mau gak?" tanyaku.
"Ih, bukannya emang udah?"
"Oh jadi selama ini..."
Dia terdiam. "Maksud kamu? Oh... aku salah ya, maaf deh."
"Nggak, nggak, maksud aku... aku kira... tapi bener kan? Mau kan."
"Iyalah." katanya dengan yakin.
"You sure you want to be my girl?"
"I thought I already am."
Aku tersenyum dan dia tersenyum balik.

One Of My Favorite Men

Monday, August 15, 2011 Comments Off

Ever since I watched Sense and Sensibilities back in 2007, I understood what kind of men I prefer to be with. As much as I liked Edward Cullens, I prefer Edward Ferrars, but... of course, I've never fancied the idea of men like that, I prefer men like Colonel Brandon. A man. A man who let go the woman he loved for a man that he knew wasn't worthy of. A man that still saved her, knowing that she wouldn't return his feelings. A man that loved her. A man. A genuine man.
Of course he was mysterious.
and mostly silent.
and dark.
and secretly tough.
had a voice descended from heaven.
and of course played by Alan Rickman.


he's one of my favorite characters and definitely the type of guy I like. you know... mysterious, most of the time silent, likes to read, selfless and a right gentleman. Can someone please find me my own Colonel Brandon?

His Gem

Thursday, August 11, 2011 Comments Off

His voice vibrated the whole room. His rough, deep, velvety voice, but it travelled smoothly through the air. He had the most mesmerizing voice I ever heard of, he didn't have the soothing tone like those people on the radio had, but his tone was much better than that.
"I'd like to remind you all that today is the last day to submit your assignments by e-mail, but friday is the last day if you want to submit it by hardcopies. Yes, my dear students, I accept both, written and typed."he explained, when he spoke that, his eyes darting back and forth from one side of the class to the other.
"Miss Peter." he snapped, of all the names in this class, he picked mine.
"Yes, sir?" I replied.
"Stop daydreaming and meet me after class!" he demanded.
"Yes, sir." I said.

The whole lecture that day was long forgotten the minute he demanded to meet me and I was clearly nervous about what he was about to say. At the end of the lesson, I waited until the last fellow student went outside the room and walked up to him. He was sitting and clearing his desk for unnecessary things, I stayed silent until he finished.

"Ruby..." he said my name softly.
"Yes, sir?"
"Cut the 'sir' bullshit." he whispered.
"What is it, Mark?" I asked.
He finally looked up at me, his hands were clasped in front of his face and his face looked defeated. "What's up with you today?"
I gave him a smile, a shy smile. "Nothing, Mark, just a bit distracted today."
"I know... I noticed. Your sister asked me to look after you in here, but I can't do it if you don't open up to me." he sighed.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
He motioned me to sit next to him. "Share with me. Please?"
My eyes looked at everywhere but him, I was afraid he would judge me. "I... guess... um... I want to... well... I'm in love."
I could feel his eyes bore into me, his body went rigid. "Who?" he asked.
I looked at him questioningly, "Why are you asking?"
"I just want to know..." he said, his tone went softer.
"Why? Why do you want to know?" I asked.
"Just cause..." he answered.
"Because you want to be another protective sibling, is that it?" I asked. I was angry. I couldn't believe my sister's childhood friend would be as protective as a real brother, who was he? If I wanted to date someone, I shouldn't ask him for permission, right? How dare he?
"No, of course not!"
"Then why is it?"
"Just because!"
"Because my dear lovely sister, the one you've been in love with since God knows when, asked you?" I yelled. I shouldn't be yelling at my own teacher, but he had crossed the line.
"No!" he yelled back.
"Then why? You want to be my over-protective future brother-in-law, isn't it?" I yelled again. "Because you want to gain trust from my sister, huh? I don't want to answer any of your questions anymore unless it has something to do with your lecture. Good day, sir."

Before I could stand, his hand gripped my wrist. "Just tell me who the fuck he is!" he demanded.
I gaped at him and pulled my wrist back to my side. "That, sir, is none of your concern."
"It is, goddamn it." he screamed.
"Why?" I hissed.
"I can't tell you!"
"Then neither can I." I replied coldly.
He sighed. "Answer for an answer?"
A few moments went by as I considered his offer. "Yes. We'll go together."
He nodded and we counted together.

"Because I love you." "That guy is you."

In One Of The Rarest Occasions.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011 Comments Off

Tonight's theme is based on loneliness, or actually the opposite of it.
love.
and everything that revolves around it.


Basic First.
I've always attracted to people who prefer being silent or taciturn. Definitely mysterious and no cheap talks. Someone I could argue with from time to time, about the simplest, most unimportant things, the kind of arguments that would last only for awhile, arguments about things that shouldn't be argue about, like "what kind of ice creams we should be having after dinner", or, taken from one of my favorite movies, "whether the pyramids were majestic or magnificent". Someone who I can share everything with and make no judgements whatsoever about it, only smile thoughtfully and laugh occasionally. Someone who can soothes me, can chase away the demons in my head and ease away both physical and mental. I don't need Mr. Perfect, nor do I need Prince Charming... only normal people with abnormal gifts, like... knowing if my smiles today are genuine or fake or the mix of it, hugging me when he knows I need it, sending me chocolates when I feel like the whole world is ending, bringing me foods when I don't even know I want it, giving me pecks on my forehead when I feel like I'm the ugliest person in the world... simple little things, I know, but it means the most. Don't get me wrong, I do want those candlelight dinners, but just not everyday, I want simple blessings daily, not some giant givings annually.
I know those things I'm talking about are delusional thoughts, but I'm willing to wait, not wait for him, mind you, but wait for the chance, fate, destiny to meet him and fight for him. I know I should get real, face the fact that the kind of guy like that is hardly exist nowadays.

People told me, some implicitly and the others unexpectedly explicit, that I am special. That I don't have to go through all of those unworthy relationships and I would find that special someone to be married with. That brief relationships aren't for me. Of course it's all true. I don't want brief, unworthy, short-lived relationships. I won't last any of those probably. I don't want too serious relationships, God knows I am not really ready for that kind of relationships, but I don't want some childish relationships either.

Marriage Kind.
I still not know yet what kind of guy that I would marry. I know what they are supposed to do--and perhaps what I supposed to do--, but I don't know what they would look like. I know he has to have the same faith and religion with me, I know he has to be responsible, I know he has to be more mature than me, but those are personalities and qualifications, aren't those?

Rules And Regulations.
Seeing many crazy relationships and many damaged marriages making me insane myself. I know marriage is not only based on love and mutual attraction, but it also based on everything else, such as commitments to one another (in whichever kind there is), offsprings' genetic material, faith with each other, bearing responsibilities with each other, and others... something logical but based on feelings.

I know I'm too young for talking about marriage, but these kinds are the kinds I've been observing for the past seventeen years. I want a relationship that would stand still no matter how strong the hurricanes strike through it, that would stay as it is (if not become greater), not crumbling into pieces or falling apart.
Naïve I know, but can't I hope? I've watched too many falls, I don't want any of them, I don't.

I Should Tattoo It In My Head

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One of my dearest and closest friend once pointed me a fact about me that I didn't even realize until then, she stated I always go through self-induced wars in my head, that I always argue with myself in my head and well, it is true I guess. I always debate myself, about everything, that's why sometimes I tend to dilly-dallying all of my options. It does not really matter which one that wins in the end, because they are all based on my thinkings. It's all in my head.

Talking about head, or brain for you people that like technical term, I just had a revelation about it and everything that's related to it, including those coincidence madness and the hovering void on my chest. My friend, my dear dear smart-ass MIT-worth friend, told me that brain is a magnificent exquisite thing, an enigma that even us, who use it, can't decode.

I asked him about the coincidence that could not stop, I pointed out few facts, shocking facts, but he took it as if we were talking about the weather. He said that brain worked in a weird way, he said that those coincidence are only in my head, I confront him that the things that I always encountered things that I like everywhere and he just told me "What about when you don't see those things?" it's hardly a coincidence at all, or perhaps there's no such thing as coincidence, just fate misnamed. To come and think about it, I've always counted out the times when I think about something and it didn't happen or present itself in front of me.
I also told him about the mirrored numbers I see when I look at the time. He said that the brain can count internally, it has personal clock, so when I want to see the mirrored numbers, like 13:13, I will see it, even if I don't consciously want to see it. I believe that, while I don't want to see it, but deep inside, in my head, in my subconscious, I really want to see it.

As I understand it more and more, I begin to realize that it's all in my head. If I don't think about it much often, I realize that it will all go away. And that everything around me really revolves in circle. If I pay attention to every single details, it shouldn't be much of a shocking news, because deep inside I knew that one thing always relates to everything else. I only exaggerate things... perhaps. I don't even know anymore.

the term "my head is killing me" can't be truer than right now.

Things that are currently in my mind

Friday, August 5, 2011 Comments Off

a. This overwhelming mental pain is slowly and excuciatingly consuming my physical state, not only this, loneliness also adds its charming venom to the solution, making a one way ticket to the sweet embrace of deep slumber
b. I've always claimed myself as a non Mary Sue girl, like the leading female character of the recently famous vampire saga. But that's the problem. As days gone by, i doubt myself even more. I used to think that I'm strong but lately, I feel like all of those mental bricks have been broken down by a strong force.
c. When my soul was crumbling after attacks of verbal insults and physical tortures, I built fortress from those fragile pieces.
d. Hiding isnt necessary
e. I need to write some happiness
f. I want to break all of this down to one person
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