Archive for June 2018

Something Pure and Peaceful

Wednesday, June 20, 2018 Comments Off

It's funny how time retains and removes everything at its path -- how time does not let go a certain stuff, even though any type of scenario regarding it has been dissected in thousand different way played by various main characters.

How unfortunate for us, me and my friend, that our separate endings are the ones we never thought would be possible. Essentially letting things be, even if we already knew that things would have turned out differently if there was one minuscule difference. We regret that things did not fall into place in the way we wanted to, but what's pure about everything that we experience is the fact that these lovely scenarios and feelings have never been touched by the ugliness that reality often brings. It is the saddest, yet the loveliest thing that we could experience after finally letting it be.

For me, everything that I felt was fuelled by fire. Everything burned at its wake. Everything it touched turned aflame. Burst of fire at its wake ruined everything else. My writings, however poignant or intimate it might be, were flaming. Red, hot, tireless flames were what I could see. And the smoke -- it was higher than anything, blocking everything. I could not see anything clearly. It was not  a flattering thing, I know. But it was the only thing I got, both unfortunately and fortunately. It did not swallow me whole. I came out of it alive, breathing, but appear with burn scars in a few places. I now accept the fact that I would never completely heal, that these marks would stay with me to remind me that there was purity in the fire. There was aspects of loveliness and liveliness from coming out alive after those pure fire. This is a tale that not everyone can experience in their lifetime.

I cannot say the same thing about my friend regarding her previous experience.

But we both agree what comes next should feel like calming waters in the depth of ocean. Something that would clear your heart and your head instead of blurring them. Something that more determined than fire, but not as stubborn. Calmly, calmly. A different kind of purity and peace. An essence of life. Something that is necessary but without coercion. Something that fuels and disposes of anything else that could not help you to grow. Something that wants you to grow in the same pace and to the same place. Something that changes and settles at the same time.

Will you be that body of water, my darling?

Unlost and Lost

Monday, June 18, 2018 Comments Off

it was 4 am in the morning when I quivered and shattered.
I wanted to bloom--
truly, to feel myself blossoming and expanding,
reaching out to the nurturing energy out there

patience was a virtue that I was familiar with, but never mastered.
so the pedal broke. the fuel was insufficient.
the circumstance was pushing me to contract
--to wait, to wait, to wait it chanted

in the distance I heard someone crying,
this cry of help that I've heard lifetimes ago
here again, not for something that was easily fixed
again, for the same irreparable thing

whatever that got unlost and lost again
--no, not what but whomever that got unlost and lost
would have to learn to bite their tongue and swallow their blood
through the unmapped wilderness that the universe provided
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