Archive for April 2015

Makeshift Happiness

Saturday, April 25, 2015 Comments Off

What do you call this moment of being displaced? Where you are in a familiar place, with familiar people, but all you can feel is this unfamiliarity with the circumstance you are currently presented? This novel uneasiness that develops slowly and gnawing at your heart; living in the darkest pit of your head. Something discomfiting that is caused by being in a transitional condition. Perhaps the worst thing about this is its existence rather than the way it feels.

Truthfully, it is something that I have never felt before, since even though I went through numerous temporary occurrences throughout my life, I always have something that I could keep it from consuming the more sane part of my mind. And gratefully, it left me, until now.


Some people may have been going through something similar to this in their entire life. Purposeless, undirected, aimless. For some people it is no longer a transitional condition, but a permanent solution for the uncertain future, or the unsettling past. They create this makeshift happiness in which the feeling itself is fleeting, shallowly rooted, easily plucked. Something created in the darkness, born out of the shadows of the mind; tricking itself into thinking that it is happiness and it is going to stay for a long time. But it won't, because it is not happiness. It can never be. Before long the soul will want something more. Something a bit more fulfilling, permanent and ethereal. Something that would be nurturing for you if you take care of it. It is not the healthiest way to live.

And I don't want that. I don't want to be stuck in the maze inside my mind, trying to escape while barely able to breathe in air that is full of defeat. The dimly-lighted labyrinth full of familiar sadness and regrets would only serve as a prison of my own soul. Without sunshine and air, what would become of a tree? Without hope and love, what would become a soul?

Tell me how to properly be in a permanent situation, other than death.

[Kristen Lozano]

Unwrite Me

Wednesday, April 22, 2015 Comments Off

Let me be the ashes of your cigar, tossed over without regard and care, but with precise calculation and predictability. No longer your valued engraved gold lighter.
Let me be the short lunch break, unfinished sandwich half-bitten, with crumbs all over your lap due to the swift munching. No longer your Saturday night gala, those fine-dining events that require tux and bow tie.
Let me be the overused tennis shoes on the back of the rack, unseen by the eyes, hidden fully in the dark; forgotten and considered missing. No longer your cherished expensive trainers.
Let me be the broken hanger on the wall, just another interior decoration that your subconscious eventually disregard, filed under 'part of the wall'. No longer your house keys.
Let me be the stack of old magazines supporting your nightstand, completely invisible to the unsuspecting eyes, the extended leg of your furniture. No longer the signed first edition Pablo Neruda work on your bookshelf.
Let me be the unfinished letter to your younger self, its existence forgotten the same way you forget about the smell of your mother's shampoo. No longer the poems written on your personalised stationary.
Let me be the fallen leaves in your autumn, wholly different but predominantly similar to its counterparts. No longer the ever-so-lovely Camellias.
Let me be the uneventful days of your Winter, a dark bleak existenece that you had to go through. No longer your camping days during the Summer.

Foolish, Delusional Being

Saturday, April 4, 2015 Comments Off

Maybe, instead of romantic love in its truest form, companionship is the most fitting noun to perfectly describe what I am looking for currently. As opposed to romantic love, companionship has an underlying sense of comprehension, between those who shares it, about many aspects in life that romantic love sometimes does not recognise the existence of.

I actually am delusional for worshiping the idea of romantic love and being romantically loved by your significant other. Perhaps romantic love, with its constricting rules and deceitful self-made reality, is not for me. Romantic love often opt out of recognising and apprehending the harsher truths that are normally conceived in life. Though my nature is more of (some would say and had actually condescendingly said that to me) the foolish kind, I have found that the true romantic love can only be found on the other side of the screen or on paper or in the lost tales of a couple thousands generations before mine. Simply put, romantic love is an old fashion memento that people always try to use and abuse, not to mention an excuse for doing something partly (or wholly) deviant in nature. Disillusionment also occurs and, as I have encountered, rarely produces anything positive in the long run.

The idea of romantic love itself beguiles me, like a song sang by sirens during a wayward journey across the sea, even though I have found that it was not sung by sirens, but a dying one-of-its-kind swan. It truly is the bourgeois feeling, something so rare and expensive to maintain. In my opinion, the type of romantic love that could be found in fiction, though artificial and exaggerating, is the best sort. It is forgiving, hardly forgetful, mature, shared, predictable, non-confining, indestructible, perpetual, and mouldable; it spans across time and place as the human beings know them. The same cannot be said for the reality, it is the human factor that makes romantic love as something unobtainable. What people feel as romantic love is frequently a sense of comfort that was borne out of companionship. That comfort is bound by the strings of attachment (often in form of fidelity) and secured with hope.

So, I think, romantic love is not for me. True, it is admirable and a type of social status to certain circles, but I personally have not experienced the seeds of romantic love. Everything else that I see is planted too soon, too late, in haste, in jest, too much, or just little. I understand, believe me I do, that romantic love is not supposed to be perfect and rigid. But, romantic love rarely upholds the common basic ground rule that companionship usually best known as. The connectivity within romantic love often produced out of constant contact, not shared beliefs and thoughts and ideas.

Ironically, I am saying that because I have my own ideals about what romantic love is. It should reach pass the point of companionship because it has mutual romance that acts as a catalyst in the solution. But I have come to an understanding that even though romantic love exists, its lasting power hardly ever exceed that of companionship. The romance factor that romantic love have idles the brain in understanding about harsh reality.

In short, I currently need a companionship that is borne out of shared-knowledge, trust, honesty, and honest intentions. Because in this day and age, it is very hard for me to find and connect with people that can widen my knowledge without the condescending agenda.
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