Archive for July 2011

I Can't Function Anymore

Friday, July 29, 2011 Comments Off



Songs

Tuesday, July 26, 2011 Comments Off

Song that I would like to play on my wedding:  

Songs that make me feel like I'm devastated, but entertaining nonetheless: 
             

Songs that make me feel like I belong in another lifetime:  
   
    Songs from my favorite albums: 
                

    Songs from my childhood that I would never get tired of:  
        

      Pieces Of Me, Belong To You

      Friday, July 22, 2011 Comments Off

      Riley rolled down her window with one hand while driving the car with the other. The scenery around her was just beautiful. Endless rows of trees and beyond was mountains, fog was spreading in the area like a malignant disease and the sky darkened, the petrichor could be smell distinctively. The path she was taking was paved and led her to him. She was driving to meet him. Yes, Riley was driving to meet Hunter. Her friend, her boyfriend, her lover, her best friend... she could call him by other names, but none as deep as her a piece of her.

      She reminisced about the past she had with him. They started out as friends, as simple as a start in relationship can be. They fought with each other, a lot, about topics that didn't worth to fight with, but they did and at the end of the day they forgave each other, knowing that the fights valued less than their relationship, whatever relationship they currently had. They were not exactly the same match, her being the all-star basketball athlete in her school and him being the mood-ruiner in his, but somehow, with all of those differences, they found each other and completed each other, perfectly. They filled the gaps of the other by just simply being there, they filled each others' loneliness and body-numbing ache near their hearts.

      Of course, fate twisted the reality and shoved them apart, as apart as two people could be when they were away from each other as far as three hours drive. They knew there was no such thing as happy endings, that was why they accepted the idea of being too far from each other and they tried to be easy to be contacted as possible. Of course, it failed. With so many tutors, classes, homeworks and projects they both had, it was hard to communicate each other, they occasionally meet through the internet provided by the webcam and internet connection, but they did not do anything other than that, except for seasonal holiday, they did not meet each other physically. But they knew that they should hold on to each other, because they were the perfect, perfect match. Being far apart was not much of a problem for Riley if she wanted to be true to herself, it made her easier to focus on her study to get a degree on law. But the past did not matter to her anymore, all that matter was the present.

      She finally arrived to her destination and quickly got out of her car. The first thing she noticed was the beautiful smell of the freshly mown grass that came in contact with the rain, petrichor. She stretched her arms freely, driving to this place was one hell of a job, but she liked it all the same. Looking around her observingly out of habit, she quickly ran to where she knew he would be with a smile in front of her face. There he was, she kept approaching and approaching until she was next to him and sat down. She smiled while rolling a ring in her finger.
      "It is one hell of a drive to this place, isn't it? But I don't complain, at least I get to see you as the prize. Anyway, I'm thrilled that I finally graduated. Aren't you proud to have me as a lawyer? I'm finding my own apartment now because my mother would disown me if I don't find one, I'm going to go around the town next week, I hope I'd find one and cheap. Kat is due two days from now, how cool is that? I finally have a nephew or... perhaps a niece. I think the baby would have long black hair and small lips, with dimples, like its parents."

      three years earlier.
      "Yes, Riley, I would be there soon. I'm just gonna check my tyre for awhile, okay?" said Hunter over the phone as he walked inside one of the stores in his hometown. A jewelry store.
      "Okay, okay, see you later, love." he said and put down his phone.
      "Good afternoon, Hunter." said an elderly man behind showcases full of rings. "Are you going to pick the ring today?"
      "Hello. Yes, please. Have you engraved them?" said Hunter politely.
      "Of course. Wait her for a moment." the elderly man then walked into a room and then quickly emerged outside while holding a box. The elderly man put the box on the glass showcase and opened the box. Inside the box was a beautiful simple ring with a diamond on top of it.
      Hunter picked up the ring and examined the inside of the ring. It got the word "forever" engraved inside the ring. It was perfect. Hunter nodded absentmindedly, put it inside the box and walked outside the store while muttering "Thanks."
      Hunter quickly got inside the car and drove to where he should meet her. He was smiling through the journey while holding the box in his hand. When he arrived, he could see she was already sitting on long garden chair that overlooked the mountains and the forests beyond. He approached her, running as fast as he can.
      He closed her eyes by clasping both of his hands in her face. "Guess who?" he whispered.
      "A dumb burglar who is closing my eyes and asking me "Guess who?". Of course I know it you, Hunter. Who else would it be. I would always be you." she said.
      He smiled and removed his hands. "How are you?"
      Riley smiled and hugged him. "Better."
      He chuckled. "I got a present."
      "Really? What is it?"
      "You got to pulled out from me to know."
      "All right." she pulled herself from him and he gave her a box.
      "What's this?" she asked while opening the box.
      "You'll see."
      She gasped when she saw what was inside the box. A ring. A beautiful ring. "Is this what I think this is?"
      "Yes. Will you be Mrs. Hunter?" he asked.
      "YES! OF COURSE I WOULD." she screamed and hugged him tightly. As if he would be gone if she didn't.


      "Hunter... someone told me that I should move out of this country, I know she meant well, but I just... I just couldn't be apart from you. I just don't." she said while rubbing her eyes. "I know you won't leave me, but I just... couldn't. You are... everything. I love you too much to let you go, you know that, right?"

      They both walked hand in hand to his car. He drove with one hand and holding hers with another. She couldn't stop smiling. She was just too happy for the fact that she was going to be his wife. His. Perfectly his.
      "I mean... what do they know about us?"

      She kissed his cheek, but captured his lips instead and she quickly giggled. He smiled at her.
      "What we have is... irreplaceable."

      He pulled back from her, but it was too late and they both greeted by a sudden bright light.

      "I know you are... gone, but I still have pieces of you inside me. They said if they look at me, they would see you. I always know you would guard me and you are guarding me by donating your eyes to me. And I just couldn't... I just couldn't..." she cried, tears streaming down her face like waterfall.

      All of those times, she wanted him to answer, but he didn't. He couldn't. A stone tomb couldn't answer her.

      Endlessly

      Tuesday, July 19, 2011 Comments Off

      To be profoundly, basically, essentially, endlessly happy.

      That is the goal of all of us. Some find happiness by own such power to other people they think lesser than them. Some find happiness by discovering love. Some find happiness by being the smartest person on Earth and invent unimaginable things. Some find happiness by just simply reading a great novel while sipping some brewed tea. And others... they find happiness in the most imaginative ways possible, ways that normal people, who find happiness in love, power, money and intelligence, would think negative on; some in being pleasured and some others... are twisted and illogical, but not undoable.

      It is what we seek for.
      To be happy.

      Something that last for a long time, forever if possible. Something that could not be taken away from you easily. Something that could not be dismissed easily. Something that do not confused with pleased feeling. Something that would stay there, through the throbbing aches, pass the hurricanes of pains, surpass the thunders of loss, diminish the floods of griefs, disparage earthquakes of emptiness and lessen the loneliness. Something that is sturdy enough to bear all of the negative emotions.


      Something called happiness.

      Benevolent Faeries

      Monday, July 18, 2011 Comments Off

      Loss. a word that would mean different altogether if the last two letters replaced with another letters. Love. Loath. Lost. The small difference and easily change words can be reflected upon other matters as well. They connected to each other easily and by a simple twist of fate. The edges of each would blur and make a bridge to relate both worlds, as an example: happiness and sadness, they are both, terrifyingly so, close to each other that they could swap each other without us knowing, like a change of day and night.


      The Middle East -- Lonely
      Hollow aching fucking pain in my chest would not go away. As a matter of fact, it intensifies, if it possible, to become something even stronger. I hate how this void still ache. It aches for the familiarity of inevitable loss. It is not easy to describe it, but it is terrible. It feels like I've felt all of those figurative and literal loss before, so when I see someone who loses something—in most cases someone— so precious to them, this emptiness would be in a profound sorrow phase. They say the feeling is usual to human, it is usual for us to feel this pang of nothingness in our chest, but how to make it go a away? How to fill them? How to bury them away? I've tried but failed miserably, because it cannot be hidden. It feels as if I've been in that position before. It hurts, because I could not do anything about it. It hurts, because... no amount of tea, words I write, mind-numbing songs that eventually loss its meaning could mend. The feeling when someone leaves you for a long time, the feeling when you are lonely, the feeling when you can't be together with someone... they are all too familiar to me, caused me a great deal of stomach lurching nothingness.

      It would remind me, in the middle of my activity, or when I'm just about to go to bed. that is why I prefer to sleep very late at night, because I've exhausted my brain enough to make it function as primal as possible, to let me devour some sweet nothings of dreams; but I would wake up late in the morning too, as I want to forget all of those things that can't be forgotten and cure things that can't be heal. Sleeping acts as my sanctuary, as my savior after a long day fight and it would take me away from the harsh reality to the welcoming embrace of faux refugee. It provides false safety.

      As I Love You

      Saturday, July 9, 2011 Comments Off

      We were walking out of the restaurant, hand-in-hand, we just ate our dinners with our colleagues and she was still a bit angry because of her full-of-demands boss, when we decided to take a walk first before driving-- it was better to talk and walk rather than just sit and talk, she always said, and I always agreed on what she said.
      It was winter, so she walked literally arm-to-arm with me, she hated the cold, but I loved them, so she put up with it because I promise I would always be there for her. She talked about her boss that was better than her previous one, but much more demanding, and besides, she pointed out, the job paid her more than enough. Also, she was busier than her previous job (not busy enough to ignore me, though) and her colleagues are much more bearable than the previous ones; her new job was, in a lack of better term, exciting. And the fact that her office was in the same building with mine was a plus.
      Her body shivered all of the sudden, so I drew her even closer to my body, now her head was on my shoulder and my right hand was on her arm. We talked some more, about my boss, her colleagues and just talking. It was what I loved when I was with her, we could just talk for hours and would never lose topics. And her knowledge was broad. She was everything that I've ever wanted, needed and loved. She was more than my everything.
      Her eyes suddenly glittered when she spotted something and I looked at where her direction went. It was a coffee shop. The place was vintage-looking, something that she loved, she quickly ran inside the place and ordered something for me and her. After a few minutes outside the cafe, I was suddenly cold, but when I was going to come inside the cafe, she emerged outside it with two coffees. When she handed me one and I took a sip, it was not a coffee, it was a hot chocolate.
      "You, little angel, did you just purposely make me drink a hot chocolate?" asked me, I was never near mad at her, I was just making a scene.
      "Sorry, Brian." she pouted but her tone was not near apologetic one.
      I switched our beverages and held her hand. "I do believe this is mine." I said, more to her hand rather than to the beverage. She giggled like those teenagers in the romantic movies she always insisted me to watch. I loved, still and always do, her giggles. I love her.
      "Brian... why do you love me?" she asked as if she was asking how the weather was.
      "I love you because you are you. You don't pretend like other women do. You are happy of who you are." I said simply. Truth in one sentence.
      She nodded and smiled. "Thank you. Means a lot."
      "You, Alice, mean more than a lot to me." I said.
      She slapped my arm lightly and then went back to hold mine. "I didn't mean you of course."
      I smiled. I knew that of course. "I would literally do anything for you."
      She smiled. She knew. "Could you give me some examples?"
      "I would scream 'I love Alice' right now. I would drive you back to the house if you fell asleep during a movie that I choose. I would bring you food when you are hungry, or make some even though you know that I could burn a salad. I would drive you everywhere you want. I would let you eat my food if you are still hungry. I would kiss away the knife-sliced scars. I would remind you to check your tires. I would remind you to eat the vegetables. I would remind you to go to the dentist. I would take you out to dinners and let you eat the most expensive ones. I will always love you. I love you. I love you." I said while kissed her forehead.
      She smiled and giggled. She always did after every kisses, even after the thousandth times. "I love you, Mr. Newton."
      I pulled her into a hug. "As I love you, Mrs. Newton."

      Embracing The Holiday

      Friday, July 8, 2011 Comments Off

      Beforehand, I would like to thank people that made thoughts-numbing songs as a replacement for chocolates, I would not name those bands, but for whatever reasons they made those songs, thank you. Those songs help me and always been there for me. Thank you.

      Credit to the holiday, days began to crumble and eventually merged together making dates unacceptable for my current condition. As much as I love being away from school, this holiday is the longest I’ve had in my life because I’m going to go to Uni soon. I would rather have something to bother me in long-term condition, although, I’d appreciate if the subjects are something serious like school stuffs, I do not like being very idle and have nothing to do. Things that I shouldn’t think about, I think constantly. I go through self-induced war in my head, deciding which one is right and which one is wrong, the same thing always happen everyday and the right would turn into wrong as well as the wrong would turn into right.

      There is no point arguing with myself as those are my own thoughts, they are bound to bounce into each other, what I do mind is that the fact that things that I’ve been avoiding come through my mind in the middle of the day, or right after I wake up. As I’ve predicted before, the coincidence never stopped, they just come and go whenever they pleased, some would rather go very intense and very bold as the others would just merely tickles in the back of my head.


      Sometimes in the day, I would prefer some mind-numbing songs and songs in languages I don’t understand to set my mind at ease. I’d prefer to hear some nonsense, rather than to hear lyrics that the singers sing so greatly they become legend. It is easier that way. It is easier to cope that way.

      Loneliness is a friend that you couldn’t, no matter how hard and long you try, brush off. They would always be there like stain marks, like scars, like rainy days in the middle of summer, like scratches on wood table, they are reminder of things are never as permanent as they looked like or as they hoped for. Certainly, loneliness grows powerful in the terms of holiday. Friends kept me from being alone, but when they left, all I can feel is this terrible ache of loneliness. “alone is curable, loneliness isn’t.”


      I would keep songs playing all days, my speaker would repeat the same words that spoken by the same singers, just to make me think of them as some vague resemblance of salvation to help get out of things that are currently in my mind.

      [julie.lansom]
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