Archive for December 2010


Thursday, December 30, 2010 Comments Off

sadness for me is like old friends. you know... those friends that always bother you when you are busy doing something, but you don't want it to go away, you just let them sit there, annoy you. they affect your ways of thinking, they affect what you do, they affect everything, by just sitting there and staring at you. it doesn't take long until their thoughts get into your head and those thoughts become yours too. you try your best to not make them taking control your whole life completely, so you wear masks, listen to some make-you-numb songs, watch crappy movies with bad script, eat, eat, eat and eat, and cry your heart out. seeing the scenery, they left. but only for a while. because they will come back and find you, even though you're hiding in the farthest part of the forest and the deepest part of the ocean, they will come and find you. because they know you to the core, they know you. very well. too well. and they will get inside your head again, and again, and again.

sometimes you think that not feeling is the best feeling. because when you don't feel anything, when you're numb, your life get a whole lot better, or so you think. by being numb, you can continue to do your work, to set your mind on everything else, everything that not related to feelings. things are better that way, when your feelings don't affect any of your decisions, so you think logically. but it only lasts for awhile, until the sadness comes out from the dark and lure you in again... for the feeling that make you wish that you can't feel anything at all. sadness know how easy they can get into your head, just wait for the right moment and the right timing when they slip into your memories and messing up your minds. scenes, music, photos even small little unrelated things can trigger it, can make its way back to you. so sometimes, I wish... I could feel nothing but numb.


Things That Make Life Bearable Pt. 1

Wednesday, December 29, 2010 Comments Off

Ohbijou -- Thunderlove

Prefuse 73 -- I Knew You Were Gonna Go

Stars -- The Beginning After The End

1,2 tumblr
3 [everythingsright]

Domestic Scene

Saturday, December 25, 2010 Comments Off

It was 2 am in the morning when she noticed there was a scar spread in her right hand, near the thumb bone. She was restless, she had tried to sleep since 11 pm yesterday but she couldn’t seem to sleep, so when she was turning on her laptop and typed her password, she noticed there was a scar in her hand.
The scar was beautiful, she thought, it was unlike any other scars she got in her body, the other scars in her body had caused her temporary sadness and pain, but this one, this one is different, it was as if the scar was an object of beauty, not an object of pain, or worse an object of violation. The scar looked like someone had smeared a red lipstick in her hand.
She ran her hand above her scar and she didn’t feel any pain at all. Perfect, she thought. This scar would be like another beauty products that are crafted to her skin, beautiful, but dangerous. She didn’t care, though, she didn’t care one bit, because her mind was utterly more damaged than that meaningless scar of hers.
When she went looking for her phone, trying to save this memory of hers, about her unknown scar, at her phone, she noticed something weird. She noticed that someone was outside her room, she thought she was all alone, beside, who’s going to be in her apartment when noone ever been there and didn’t know where she lived. She opened her door and found someone was watching the telly in the living room.
The person was tall, she knew this because his body was spread across the sofa and his feet were still hanging in the air. His hair was brown, dark brown to be exact. And his eyes were…
“Oh, morning, love!” he greeted.
“Horatio? What are you doing here?” she squealed and ran to him. The guy sat straight and opened his arms, he welcomed her in his arms. She breathed his smell sharply, the smell of home, of peace.

“What? Can’t I visit my lovely girl?” he asked while patting her head.
She pulled back but his arms were still managed to be wrapped tightly around her waist. “You can, but not this way, because you’ll look like a pervert in the morning, waking up beside a woman in her room.”
He snickered. “First, I’m not a pervert, I don’t look like one, I don’t smell like one, I don’t even breath like one. Second, eventhough people think that I am, you’re not a woman, you’re still a girl, in my eyes anyway. Third, who says I’m going to wake up in your room?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Visiting my future.”
"Huh? Aren’t you supposed to travel your arse off?”
“Not anymore. I decided to settle in.”
“With who?”
“With you.”
“Why me?”
“Why not?”
She pushed his body, pulled hers off and sat next to him. “You see, the way you answer me sounds like I’m an option, so I don’t see you with me together.”
His whole body went numb. “What did you say?”
“I don’t want to be just an option to you.”
“You’re not!”
“Yes, you only see me as an option. Either me or another girls that you saw when you tried to find yourself.” she got up and walked to her room.
When she was in front of her wooden door, she looked back and said, “When you leave, please be early in the morning when I’m still sleeping, because it would hurt less.”
“Wait.” he said, stopping her from touching the door.
“What?” he could tell that she was crying.
“I know this would sound completely corny and common but… I’ve found myself. I know where when I’m content with myself, where I enjoy being me.”
“When I’m with you. When I see you, when I hold you, when I know you’re around. Since I left you to what I call this nonsense bullshit about finding home, I found out that I’m not happy when you’re not around.
When I went all over the country, alone by myself and not having you to share with, I found out that there’s no point in me traveling the whole country without you, because I feel like a goddamn zombie when you’re not around. So please, can you be someone that I call home?” his voice was filled with guilt, sadness and with a hint of hope. Hope that she could be with him, that she would say yes.
“Are you going to leave me again?” she asked.
“Never.” he breathed, he could barely breath.
“Because I know you, Horatio. I know you to the core, you can’t be ‘domestic’ or settle in like another guy. You came, but you never stay.”
He tried to swallow down his tears. “I’m so sorry, but that’s in the past, I need you now. I really need you. I can’t… even function without you.”
She turned her body and walked toward him. “Do you promise me?”
He opened his arms and smiled, “I promise.”
She hugged him tight. “I’m tired.” she claimed.
“Bed time, I’m not a pervert, but I’m going to put you to bed like a great future husband I am, if that’s okay with you.” he asked while walking her toward her room.
“I’ll be outside” he added.
She smiled to his chest and walked to her room without his help. “See you tomorrow.” she said.
“See you tomorrow.” he answered back.

The next morning she woke up, the scar was gone and he, too, was gone. It was as if neither the scar nor him was there. It felt more real than any dreams or reality she had ever been to, so she didn’t have the slightiest idea in her head that he was only in her dream.


I Never Knew Home Until I Found Your Hand

Thursday, December 23, 2010 Comments Off

The fight was in front of a place that used to be a vegetable shops that runned by the Chinese people that lived upstairs. It didn’t take long until people arrived and broke the two people down. She was there since the fight began. She didn’t know why they were fighting, one minute she was walking down the street complaining to herself about her cold feet, the next minute the two of the men were fighting in front of her, she didn’t even know where they had came from, she was busy noticing her sockless feet.

After they finished their fighting, they broke apart and went to the opposite ways, she looked at one of the men that walked pass her. “Cold night, eh?” he said to her.
She nodded back at him and said, “Yeah, forgot to wear socks, apparently.”
The guy seemed to be interested with her, so he stopped and walked to her. “What were you thinking? It’s a cold town. Here, have my scarf.”
He untied his scarf and put his scarf to her neck. She felt somehow embarrassed but loved at the same time. “Thanks.” she smiled at him gratefully.
“You’re not from here, are you?” he asked. He was closer than earlier so now she could smell his breath and his body, she also noted that he was around her age. He smelled like warm tea in the afternoon with a hint of cream shave, but his breath smelled like beer.

She gave him her smile, that sadness masked with happiness smile. “Yes, I came from… another world.”
He laughed. He had a nice laugh. “Really, now? What kind of world?”
“Not this, I can tell you.”
When she was looking at her boots and she couldn’t see him, he gave her his smile, his smile was different than hers, his smile of knowing. He bit his lower lip and forced another smile.

“Have you eat dinner?” he asked.
As a car passed, she looked up, the headlights lighted up her face and she smiled. “No, I haven’t. I was on my way to a diner.”
“Tell you what, I’m starving after the whole tiring fight, let’s eat. I’ll buy you dinner in fancy restaurant, if… you want to tell me about this other world.” he said while opened his hand waiting for her to take his.
She blushed. “My dad says never trust a stranger… but you don’t feel like a stranger.”
He swallowed hard. “That’s because I’m going to buy you a dinner.”
She smiled happily and took his hand, she slipped her hand to his as if it was the most natural thing in the whole world and they both fit. She noticed his watch and smiled to herself.
"Look, we have matching watch." she claimed.
He turned his head and looked at his wrist. "Wow... that's... weird. Are you stalking me or something?"
"No!" she exclaimed and smiled, he returned her smile and they both continued to walk.

As they walked together, she noticed something warm and liquid coming from his hand. She breathed sharply and pulled her hand.
His whole body became numb instantly. “What?”
He watched her as she went through her things, she was looking for her first aid kit that she always bought in her bag. It took so many minutes to find her first aid kit and when she did, she pulled it out.
“What are you doing?” he asked when she dragged him to the stacks of snow.
“Put your hand above the snow and roll up your sleeve.” she ordered.
He did what she asked him and then she cleaned his wound then she put a bandage above it. She smiled at his now bandaged wound and then she smiled at him.  “Why did you even get into a fight? You seem like a nice guy.”

“If I tell you you won’t believe it.” he said while pulling down his sleeve and took her hand.
“Try me, I have big imagination.”
The bright blue beanie that she was wearing was falling so he pulled the beanie and pushed it so it covered her face. “You got something on your face.” he said.
She laughed and pulled the beanie back to its place. “Don’t be meanie to my beanie.”
“Now that’s…” he pursed his lips. “That’s too corny, even for you.”
She smiled coyly. “Yeah… so, are we going to eat? I’m starving.”
He turned his head and stared at her brown eyes. “I’m Xavier, nice to meet you, Starving.”
 She shook her head, “No, my name is Reginé.”
“Well, then, Reginé, how about a nice dinner?” he asked, his blue eyes were glittering under the moonlight.
She smiled. “Sounds nice.”


Just Hold On To Me

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 Comments Off

She was supposed to be there at 5 p.m., but she was nowhere on sight. Not even slightest bit, not to him anyway. He rechecked his watch, his twin watch that he has with her, hers was--is-- the smaller version of his. It was 6.15 p.m., it wasn’t like her to be late like this. She was usually punctual, but he had a feeling she won’t be like that today, after all she was late for one hour and fifteen minutes.

He took the last sip of his coffee and then he left the café after he paid the bill. He opened the wooden front door and took a breath of a warm Saturday afternoon. The sun was still up, bright and shiny, it was one of those days that made you want to go out and had a nice walk with your loved ones-- because of the nice sight and comfortable weather, he decided to walk and put on some music. He smirked at his decision, his blue eyes were glowing because of his smile, it was more alive than usual, there he was walking. He hated walking, he used to hate walking, he would thought, it was easier to drive, but she hated people who drive, she tolerated people who drive because they have long journeys to go through, but she despised people who drive because of the comfort of their own safety. She would rather took public transportations and because of her reasons, he stopped driving and took public transportations instead.

All of the bad things within him, he noted, had been transformed into good ones because of her. Great even. She changed him, no, no, she made him better, she didn’t change him, she didn’t make him something that he didn’t, she made him something greater than he used to. She improved him. She made him a better man. She made him like that only with her occasional pouts, her laughs, her warm hugs--even in the coldest winter--, her ideas, her brilliant words, her comforts and… her being her mostly. He didn’t want to sound like a weird guy, because he knew he wasn’t, but he knew that he cannot live, he cannot even breath, without her. It was like, he laughed at himself because of the thought, she was the reason he live. He needed him more than he knew.

He stopped at the front of her 4-storey loft. He looked at the building, up and down, up and down, as if he was judging it. It was the usual broken-white old vintage looking building, you need to take the stairs instead of an elevator, it was the usual city building apartment, but there… oh there… lived a girl that held the world in the palm of her hand. He needed to see her right then, that moment, he missed her so much, it had been two days straight without any contact at all, he needed to be with her and her smiles, her comforting smiles.

The steps he took were the big ones, they showed how much he missed her and how much he wanted to be with her. He sighed and took a long breath when he reached in front of her place. 3C. He smiled gleefully, but after that he noticed something, the door was slightly open. She’d never did that, opened the door carelessly, she always closed the door, whether she was inside or outside she always closed the door. There were male voice and a soft female voice inside. He quickly opened the door and saw two strangers in her place--or apparently what used to be her place.

Those two strangers looked at him in a weird way. It was sort the combination of “Who the fuck are you?” and “What a weirdo.”, because of that look they gave him, he backed away and took a mental image of her place.

The colour of the room wasn’t white anymore, it was light brown. The black chandelier on the ceiling was gone. The white engraved mirror next to the front door was vanished. No more photos, photos that belonged to him, to her, or some random people's, plastered to her walls. All of the things that used to be in that room were gone, except for one thing, a black shelf, that he gave to her, on the opposite side of the door. However, the only thing he first noticed that had gone missing was only… her.

He was disappointed. He was definitely disappointed. She was gone and he didn’t know where she went, or why, or when, or even… how. He went numb instantly. The way he walked to his apartment could be more considered as a walking zombie instead of a normal person. There was no life within him, he felt like he couldn’t function at all, the only thing that kept him going was only a mere hope that when he went home he could find all of the answers and that she wasn’t missing after all.

Nothing going through his mind, only occasional thinking on which path he should take, left turns and right turns. It wasn’t bearable, without the thinking. He walked lifelessly to his apartment on the 7th floor, he didn’t even notice when someone accidentally bumped him. As slid the key to the door to his apartment, he felt nausea all of the sudden, he felt sick all over his body and he wanted nothing more than to sleep the day off or if he could, sleep his life off.



Tuesday, December 21, 2010 Comments Off

have you ever felt like you don't truly belong where you are right now? like everything just don't fit in perfectly or the way it supposed to be. also when everything feels just wrong and not right. when everything doesn't fall perfectly. there's a chip of your old wooden heart that's missing. I feel like that sometimes, I know I'm here but I'm not supposed to be and belong here, that I fit in, but I don't always feel like I belong where I am right now, I feel like I belong elsewhere. I don't supposed to do something at that precise time. I should be elsewhere doing something else. that my purpose in this life is not doing this. and I never truly find peace here. I don't know if it's my mind--again-- playing with me.

also I don't feel like here is a place where my heart is. home, yeah. content, yeah. but never actually feels like it's where my heart is. where I belong. I keep praying to God hope that this is only temporary madness.

Won't Heal

Friday, December 17, 2010 Comments Off

again. it hurts. so much. not as much as it used to, but don't you think because it had happened before, the pain just got worse? because I do. because I think that when the pain left, it left this small, but certainly clear, hole in your heart. it's like small scars on your knees, on your elbows and sometimes on your face, so occasionally something touch the scars or maybe accidentally pour some water on it, oh have I forgot to tell you that the scars won't heal?
the scars that won't heal. I should write a song about this. the scars that won't heal. it hurts hurts hurts. it's nothing big now, it's just a fraction of something that used to be big, but it won't heal, so it will haunt me. forever. like a box of pain you leave open in the middle of a library. unlike usual scars though, I can only feel this one when it collides with something. this something is undeniably familiar and supremely haunting. like vague smell of your house in the morning after the rain.
I'm stuck. x x



Tuesday, December 14, 2010 Comments Off

Your Existing Situation

Feeling stressed out due to her current situation and the demands which are placed on her. Working to release herself from all things that hold her back or tie her down.

Your Stress Sources

"is being overworked and her flexibility and hard work are being taken advantage of while trying to deal with problems. Sticks to her goals, but feels intense pressure to succeed. Since the situation is uncooperative and untrustworthy, she would like to walk away from it altogether."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant.
Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.
Is satisfied and finds contentment through sexual activity.
Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Your Desired Objective

"Feels stressed due to her current situation or relationships, and needs to make changes. Looking for a solution that will increase her chances of fulfilling her current hopes and dreams."

Your Actual Problem

"Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. In order to build her self-esteem back up, she looks to others for recognition, respect, and encouragement. This can be a problem since she tends to blame others for her shortcomings. Searching for solutions that are geared toward her needs and self-consciousness."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Feeling anxious and restless frustration toward current situation or unfulfilled emotional requirements are causing stress. she feels misunderstood, used, and anxious. she strives to search for new relationships or environment, in the hope they may offer her happiness and peace of mind."

JJ and His Friend, Katie Fucking Fitch.

Saturday, December 11, 2010 Comments Off

one of the best parties. ever.
I'm missing one of my best girls party today.
stuck here at grandmum's.
glad she got internet connection and all.
I love my friends and my family. and God, too.

The Night Starts Here -- Stars

10 Bucks

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 Comments Off

not really giving a fuck is more like an impulse for me lately. really. I don't. something inside me shuts off. something inside of me just don't give a fuck. I bet it's because all those secret sufferings I've been doing these past ten years. I bet your for 10 bucks it is. I wish I couldn't feel anything, I wish I couldn't feel any feelings, any throbbing madness, any secret sufferings, any bad feelings for hating someone. I wish I could just... be. but I can't, can I?

I'm having a conversation with my friend, and from her case I'm concluding that maybe I'm feeling this because I'm growing up. I used to have lots of emotions and I used to be careless. I used to love a lot, laugh a lot, smile a lot, do a lot of revenge and others. but now... I feel like I'd rather prefer to just shut up and shut my heart and my head, so that I don't feel anything. I realized now that crying is much more preferable. I used to just swallowed everything down and kept happiness plastered all of my face instead. but now, crying is easier. much easier. truth is I don't know why I don't cry so easily back then. I mean... I was flooding with emotions and hormones but still, crying was something rare for me. but that's fine. maybe I'm just growing up.
[jessica anne ]

03:03 05:05 09:09. Where Are You?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010 Comments Off

I have so much to tell. so much.
but as usual, nothing can come out. everything's hidden. it's like one of those days again. I'm running out of words. I hate this. there's so much that I want to tell, so much, but not even a single tiniest of word could come out of my mouth. they are all hiding now, in my head. I don't know why they are hiding. but they are. they shouldn't. they are supposed to be brave and come out and fight the fears.
my head shouldn't follow my heart. because my heart is coward. coward. and currently my body acts based on my heart, what my heart prefers to do in these times.

yes. these times. currently this is one of those phases that I should overcome. this one phase that I should fight. my life's on repeat. this same exact phase had happened 3 years ago, well actually when I was in 9th grade. it was one of the lowest points of my life, three years ago was. but within those sufferings and madness I found many great life lessons. back then, when I was funny-looking and naïve, my heart got broken, I got so tired of my life and it was bad, for me. but I grew better and better, I went from "dying" to "surviving" and then I achieved one of the greatest things that had ever happened to me. so because of that, I'm gonna let this be. I'm going to be alright, because something great is waiting for me.

so off to bed, xx.
before I forget; can someone please buy me this?
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