10 Bucks

not really giving a fuck is more like an impulse for me lately. really. I don't. something inside me shuts off. something inside of me just don't give a fuck. I bet it's because all those secret sufferings I've been doing these past ten years. I bet your for 10 bucks it is. I wish I couldn't feel anything, I wish I couldn't feel any feelings, any throbbing madness, any secret sufferings, any bad feelings for hating someone. I wish I could just... be. but I can't, can I?

I'm having a conversation with my friend, and from her case I'm concluding that maybe I'm feeling this because I'm growing up. I used to have lots of emotions and I used to be careless. I used to love a lot, laugh a lot, smile a lot, do a lot of revenge and others. but now... I feel like I'd rather prefer to just shut up and shut my heart and my head, so that I don't feel anything. I realized now that crying is much more preferable. I used to just swallowed everything down and kept happiness plastered all of my face instead. but now, crying is easier. much easier. truth is I don't know why I don't cry so easily back then. I mean... I was flooding with emotions and hormones but still, crying was something rare for me. but that's fine. maybe I'm just growing up.
[jessica anne ]