Archive for December 2013


Saturday, December 28, 2013 Comments Off

Finding sanctuary amidst chaos is my definition of being in a relationship. The sanctuary that looks, feels, tastes the way it portrays from the outside point of view. Sanctuary as it is. Sanctuary that does not expect you to act like a messiah or a servant. Sanctuary that bends and fluctuates the way the chaos demands it to. Sanctuary that gives you proper housing and feeds you nourishing food.

Some cases (for the importance of their reputations and those that they associate with, I will not give out their name or other detail features about their cases) of relationship that I know tend to make one partner as the dominating actor, while the other as someone that could serve them with everything and anything that they currently please to have. It's hard to find other type; the type of relationships where they could just kiss and hug each other at random moments, say "I love you" when the other makes such good meals, wear sweatpants and oversize sweaters in front of each other, or even buy same the detergent so that they could smell like each other. It's hard to find functioning relationships which regard the people that create it as equals and humans without the expectations of having startlingly good-looking prince with nice abs that is multi-linguist as your partner or having exceptionally humble princess that can eat nice desserts without having to change her clothing size from zero to something shockingly bigger.

Being with someone without the awkwardness, during both sober and drunk states, is hard. Finding words that could mend the inconvenient silent is hard. Finding someone that you can get comfortable with is hard. It's easier to find people who only need the simplicity of one night stands. It's easier to find people who only need relationships just because they want to have one; not because they crave the connection that could have with another people. It's easier to find people who only want to have connections that are based on their sexual/physical preferences. It's
easier to find people who only want simple relationship where they use each other because they both probably don't have the time, place, money or affection to make it otherwise.

I want to feel full connection with someone. Not just because they want to "try" to get me, not just because they want to "taste" me, not just because they find me appealing, not just because they find me adequate for their taste, not just because I substitute someone else's spot in their life; but because I can pour myself (soul, thoughts, cravings, tastes, dislikes, fears, phobias and ideals) to someone without having them to spit me out like I am tasteless expired food. And vice versa.

I want to wake up knowing that I am fighting alongside with someone. That I battle this world's chaotic insanity with my fellow comrade who may or may not know more about the fields than I do (preferably more).

It's easier to write words, like this, about things that I want or I need. But it's harder to find the person that could match up all the expectations.

So please, come home soon. So I could get to know you again, listening to your fears and hysterias, talk about our future that is creeping up on us; and we can build sanctuary together.

Winter Playlist

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Say you'll be here soon.

You left me with nothing but this heavily empty place that is devoid of you. It is hard to find a match to that exact human-shaped void to fill it--it's hard to find another person that could fill out the space that you left. Some of them are too small; not in the physical way, mind you, since some of them are even taller than our tallest friends, but because these exclusively close to gigantic people cannot even relate to my movie taste (something that you and I consider as a serious matter when we are learning about someone) so how could they relate to me in other major topic that is future-related? These small people lack of that certain carefreeness about the present and that certain seriousness regarding their actual plan about their future. That is why they are small. While the others are too big. They cannot fit. Sometimes it's because they are too serious, or sometimes it's because they just cannot understand the importance of relaxing--some of them plan about things too far and too soon. These people are not you.

With you, I can talk about numerous of things. Whether it's a serious topic ("Well, yeah, honestly... this country is the best, I actually can prove it to you in 25 different reasons, will you hear me out?" or "Really, education is the key. I mean, I think, parenting is another great ingredient, but not as important as education, you know?" in which I retorted, "But... don't you think great parenting is also good. I mean, there are some people that cannot afford good education but their parents love them and teach them with everything that they know, but they turned out okay." but you always could shut me up because afterwards you told me "But, babe, we are talking about the real world here. Not one of those soap operas. These people cannot make it far if they are not educated as well.") or anything but ("You know, I prefer this kind of scary movie. Gory and whatnots. I hate spooky stuff, you know?" or "I just came across this really good TV series, you should see it!").

I miss that small little details of our lives that interwove with each other. I miss having this particular ease with someone. Can you understand? Since you left I can't find anyone that I can get comfortable with. Someone that I can almost connect completely with. I miss being comfortable with someone.

My friends and my parents continuously ask me to find someone new. Someone that isn't you. Someone that I should get to know from the beginning. Back to square one. Finding out their secrets (like you with your fear of heights), their favourite dessert (I know yours: banana split), their favourite brand to buy sweater (remember that day when you took me out for buying that light yellow GAP sweater of yours), their favourite horror/thriller movies (yours: The Uninvited, Silent Hill and Scream franchise), their favourite rappers if they like that genre (yours: Talib Kweli) and other minuscules details about their persons. And I have no idea how to react if their minuscule details cannot at least 60% link with mine.

I am trying, please believe me. I am honestly fighting to find someone that I can connect with. But all I see is that they are not you--they cannot relate to me the way you do. I know that we were once strangers too, we would not become like this if fate did not bump us with each other. But it's hard.

It's hard getting to know other person when they don't want to be a part of you. When they don't want to mesh well together with you. When they think that their details are much more important than mine. When they are not willing to compromise. When they think they know the best, for themselves, or even for me. It's hard being with other people that cannot match my pace and my way of thinking. It's hard being with people that are not you.

So, please. Come home soon.

Never Be

Monday, December 9, 2013 Comments Off

Sorting through all of my posts for the last five years (it has been that long) I can only conclude one thing... all of those posts that were caused by my sleep-deprived head are all about you.

It's funny how time changes one's perspective. How, all through that years, you've been actually staring at the truth right on its twisted face--and you've failed to see the sign. That everything does move in circles.

And wouldn't it be beautiful if we are actually meant to be and my soul was yearning for yours all those years because at one point it had found you and then it had to feel lost again when you left?

And it is just me right now,
thinking alone, growing up alone, staying alive alone,
with bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived, worn-around-the-edges soul.

"even if I stole him control him dictate him indoctrinate him fix him convince him,
I'll never be his own."

Colder Than Your Winter

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"It's autumn, it makes people depressed."

But it's winter now and Moscow is having a blast because of the "totally warm, I promise you" -5 degree Celsius weather. And how do you feel? Does the winter time reminds you of how the sun used to feel like when it caresses your skin in a womanly, lovingly, soft touches? Does it remind you that everything has it highs and lows, even human nature? Does the droning of the snows bless you with hope that it too shall melt away one day? Does daylight savings remind you of your heart being clenched so painfully in order for you to remember that it's a long day ahead? Does barely-warm food that you cook late at night smell like the ones we ate years ago? Is there any girl that smells like me?

Was that gesture, that particular gesture that indicates no sense of belonging, suppose to cut all of our ties? The tightly knitted bond we've managed to create throughout the years? Was there anything more than that, love? Is there any reason why you would not just go to the front of your computer and write me something small but soulfully warm? Are you giving this bond up for something that you don't have in the past, in order for you to have something big in your present, wherever you are? Are you staying away from this bond, cutting it down with a sharp knife that you called "an act of returning personal belongings to its respective owners"? Will you continue to do this until the memories of us--laughing at something and getting scared of what we've been watching--blur away and spin out of proportion, turning into ashes and fading away into something that you only remember distantly? Will you greet me, if we ended up in a same town and time after all these years, when you bump into me in a packed tube with me listening to my iPod (as always) and you playing games on your phone (as always)? Will you stop and stare and say "hi, I missed you, you look a lot different" or will you just move away, since you feel like you no longer know me and I am just another soul-carrying vessel that you once shared your thoughts, laughters, breaths, food, and spaces? Will you remember me more than the knit cardigan-wearing girl with her headphones on? Somehow, I doubt you would.

And to end this exhaustingly long post,
to quote my friend's brother,
"If I love you enough to let you go, will you love me enough to come back"
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