Winter Playlist

Say you'll be here soon.

You left me with nothing but this heavily empty place that is devoid of you. It is hard to find a match to that exact human-shaped void to fill it--it's hard to find another person that could fill out the space that you left. Some of them are too small; not in the physical way, mind you, since some of them are even taller than our tallest friends, but because these exclusively close to gigantic people cannot even relate to my movie taste (something that you and I consider as a serious matter when we are learning about someone) so how could they relate to me in other major topic that is future-related? These small people lack of that certain carefreeness about the present and that certain seriousness regarding their actual plan about their future. That is why they are small. While the others are too big. They cannot fit. Sometimes it's because they are too serious, or sometimes it's because they just cannot understand the importance of relaxing--some of them plan about things too far and too soon. These people are not you.

With you, I can talk about numerous of things. Whether it's a serious topic ("Well, yeah, honestly... this country is the best, I actually can prove it to you in 25 different reasons, will you hear me out?" or "Really, education is the key. I mean, I think, parenting is another great ingredient, but not as important as education, you know?" in which I retorted, "But... don't you think great parenting is also good. I mean, there are some people that cannot afford good education but their parents love them and teach them with everything that they know, but they turned out okay." but you always could shut me up because afterwards you told me "But, babe, we are talking about the real world here. Not one of those soap operas. These people cannot make it far if they are not educated as well.") or anything but ("You know, I prefer this kind of scary movie. Gory and whatnots. I hate spooky stuff, you know?" or "I just came across this really good TV series, you should see it!").

I miss that small little details of our lives that interwove with each other. I miss having this particular ease with someone. Can you understand? Since you left I can't find anyone that I can get comfortable with. Someone that I can almost connect completely with. I miss being comfortable with someone.

My friends and my parents continuously ask me to find someone new. Someone that isn't you. Someone that I should get to know from the beginning. Back to square one. Finding out their secrets (like you with your fear of heights), their favourite dessert (I know yours: banana split), their favourite brand to buy sweater (remember that day when you took me out for buying that light yellow GAP sweater of yours), their favourite horror/thriller movies (yours: The Uninvited, Silent Hill and Scream franchise), their favourite rappers if they like that genre (yours: Talib Kweli) and other minuscules details about their persons. And I have no idea how to react if their minuscule details cannot at least 60% link with mine.

I am trying, please believe me. I am honestly fighting to find someone that I can connect with. But all I see is that they are not you--they cannot relate to me the way you do. I know that we were once strangers too, we would not become like this if fate did not bump us with each other. But it's hard.

It's hard getting to know other person when they don't want to be a part of you. When they don't want to mesh well together with you. When they think that their details are much more important than mine. When they are not willing to compromise. When they think they know the best, for themselves, or even for me. It's hard being with other people that cannot match my pace and my way of thinking. It's hard being with people that are not you.

So, please. Come home soon.