Archive for June 2010

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Sunday, June 27, 2010 § 4

you know how I am jealous of bunch of people lately? how I wish I could be in their places, talk to those beautiful-minded celebrities, but that's just lame, that's just a fan talking. now I'm going to write a letter for someone that I wish, with all my heart and my mind, I could meet. this is a letter, for someone out there that I don't know, for someone that's away from me, or maybe taken away from me, and, for such, a person I could meet.

Dear you,
I know I would sound totally weird and undeniably mental, but hear this... I want to know who you are. I want to know the person that has been taken away from me. I want to know you. I want to meet you. An explanation about you would be better than meeting you in person, but I want to know you better. I want to know who you are. A person that I sometimes ache in my heart that I don't even know who it is. That I don't even know why. A person that I wish I could talk to right now so that you won't leave me high and dry. Leave me here with everything but an explanation and memories. I'm a wreck, I know, that's what I am. But that doesn't mean you could just went away.

I know I sound impossible, but how could I not? My heart is more impossible, more impossible than a square root of a negative number, because it aches for something that doesn't exist, or rather something that my brain doesn't recognize, something unfamiliar in my brain's records of people/emotions/memories. You're something that ache in my heart, someone that screams in the dark when I feel somekind of loss, when I see something that felt like a left-over, when I see people who can't have something they want, something they need. You're a person that I couldn't see clearly, though your vague of soul still linger somewhere, somewhere that can make me aches, somewhere in my soul that has a hole. You overwhelmed me by emotionally, physically, and within memories, missing. But I couldn't explain how your presence still linger here, like the faintest touch of air in the middle of vacuum of nothingness. I couldn't explain myself. My heart couldn't explain to my brain how you, someone that I barely know, someone that still has the power to confuse me and make my heart ache. I don't know your identity, but I know this: you left me when I don't even want to, I let you go unwillingly. Who are you?


"Circles. Circles. We all move in circles."

Saturday, June 26, 2010 § 0

I found the answer of all those maddening coincidences from this movie: Malice in Wonderland, pretty good movie actually, if you don't mind little bit of wicked individuals and aberration "Alice in Wonderland" theme, but hey, we are all, in fact, weird, aren't we?

if you don't understand, probably more likely to not understand, the meaning of the title above (and it is in fact a quote from the movie) is that we, no matter in what circumstances, are all moving in circles, we always think like we move in straight lines, or moving forward, but we really are moving in circles. I mean, I thought I saw deja vus and things that have coincidences with each other, but when I think about it again, it wasn't coincidence, it was just world moving around in circles, making things connected with each other. making unlikely things to collide with each other to jumbled things up. in the end, we are in the beginning.

its like when we were kids, we used to have someone babysit us and feed us things, we didn't have proper teeth to ground things so we ate soft food. but haven't you notice that when we are older, in our eighties, we will be treated the same way, too, right? people will going to treat us as if we are children, because we are going to be bald again like when we were babies, we are going to lose our teeth and such things that make us realize that we are all moving in circles, the end is right where it begin.

from tumblr, if it is yours, please tell me and I'll credit them, thank you


Thursday, June 24, 2010 § 4

oh bollocks. things are messing with my head again. I have no idea why, but still, they are always messing with my head. as if my head is a playground for those who are majestically complicated. as if my head an exciting place to mess around with. oh dear God, I'm so scarred right now, because I think I'm not sane anymore. okay, I'm going to tell you about, well, things that are going on in my mind.

as if the world joking, or maybe they are giving me clues about things but nevertheless making fun of me, things that are going on around me are a bit messy and filled with coincidences and deja vu, and awakenings. I found myself confused and questioning things. things that weren't supposed to be questioned or maybe just forgot to be questioned. everytime I came across things that had to do with letting go of people unwillingly, missing someone that you know they are alive but you couldn't see anymore, in love with something that you couldn't have because they aren't there, I felt very sad, not just sympathy, but sad. utterly, madly, undoubtedly, deeply sad. I don't know why I'm sad about all those things, but I feel like I'm profoundly lonely and, with no doubt, sad. what should I do, world? what should I do to make those things go away. this feels like an awakening from forgotten memories, as if, but not really, someone left me. someone who I was deeply in love with or maybe just someone whom I love so much that it hurts when they leave. one thing I know about myself is that I've never had someone left me abruptly, or maybe I have but I didn't know them really. I wanna ask my parents about this person, but I think my parents are only going to laugh about it and tell me there's no such thing, that it's all nothing but nonsense. I quite believe it is.

although why would it be nonsense when all I can think about in this holiday is that person that left me, or someone who I think left me. but who? who left me and made me forgot about that person. was it my sister? was it my cousin? was it my best friend? or some random nice stranger. chances are no stranger to me, in fact someone who was very dear to me. but who? I'm questioning about things that are rather shouldn't be questioned about, because I hate it when the answer is no one. I guess maybe that's the answer? no one.

I know I may sound senseless right now, of course I do sound senseless why am I questioning it, but I really feel sad, feel like I've been in that position before, although I could recall I've never been in there... oh Gosh mindtrick, this gotta be mind trick. oh dear God. Pisces are very imaginative, have abstract minds and very sensitive, maybe I feel sad because it was my nature to be so? to be imaginative and yet abstract at the same time sensitive? oh dear God. I feel a bit depressive. I shouldn't be alone with my mind. I have a very dangerous mind. oh dear dear God.

[olivia bee]

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Wednesday, June 23, 2010 § 4

Dear you,

you know who you are and we shouldn't talk about your identity. but hear this, I liked you because of your personality and I like you for awhile. I thought I love you but of course, I didn't. I was only amazed by you. Those butterfly feelings and glitters were only just... sparkles, nothing more nothing less. I was amazed by you and your personalities. Although at times, I was afraid that I liked the idea of you not you yourself, but the idea of you, the mix personalities of you that I made in my mind as you. I know I sound very weird right now, but that's who I am. oh I can't think straight right now because there are many things that are in my mind and my mind could be quite dangerous. oh Gosh I'm bluffing right now. so, um, yeah... you are a part from my past.
I know I know, this letter challenge supposed to be in Tumblr, but its a letter challenge okay, not some picture challenge thingie.


Day 6 — A stranger

§ 0

Dear stranger,

how does it feel to help people in Aceh but still get a chance to take a picture with the ninth Doctor Who?
Wow, same country different city, wish I was there, but I didn't know Doctor Who by then, so that's okay... a bit... um... nope. I'm jealous. I don't know you, you don't know me, but hell, I'm jealous as hell, well, not as hell, really, but jealous nonetheless. you're awesome because you help people, but I'm jealous. well, who doesn't? but that's just me as a fan, so... I don't hold grudge, but just jealous as hell.


I. Need. This

Monday, June 21, 2010 § 0

Das Magazin x FREITAG messenger bag.
I need this bag in my life. please please, someone buy this bag for me, please please please please please please please, I need this bag. [FREITAG]

Day 5 — Your dreams

Sunday, June 20, 2010 § 0

Dreams? Don't get my hopes rise up when you're only going to bring me down. I guess... I'm gonna make it, right? I know I'm not the most cheerful and optimist person, but I'm gonna let my parents know that I can achieve things, especially things from my dreams. And I will make my parents proud with their daughter's accomplished dreams. I won't just throw their money around for nothing, I'm going to be something.

So, dreams... say hello to reality, because you both are going to be friends in the future.

Day 4 — Your sibling

Thursday, June 17, 2010 § 0

Dear Brother,

I'm glad to have you as a brother. eventhough we are years apart and even though we sometimes hate each other and bitching each other, but I don't have to tell you how much I love you because you already know.
your sister that's currently in love with Doctor Who, help?

Day 3 — Your parents

Tuesday, June 15, 2010 § 0

This is going to be long. boring. but lovely, I guess. here you go, Mum and Dad, here it is the letters that I wish I have the guts to send them to you.

Dear Dad,
I know you know how much I love you. Although sometimes I pissed you off, or maybe you pissed me off. Although sometimes I don't listen to you and argue about things with you, especially about education. Sometimes I don't agree with your argument and hold back tears. Sometimes I wish I have different parents because the way you argue with me its like you're always right and I'm always wrong. I always hate the way you treated me back when I was still a kid, it's like... whatever I do always ended up wrong or worst, ruin everything. You always yelled, yelled, and yelled. I don't like the way you yell at me, but not to my brother, its like I was born to do all the wrong things and ruin everything. I always hated you for that.

But as I grow up, not necessarily mature enough but I grew, I know that things that made you yelled at me weren't because you're angry with me or hate my existence, but because you love me and want to prevent dangerous things from happening to me and want to protect me from this mad world. I know the way you sometimes over protect me from things are your ways to tell me that you love me and to make me understand that this isn't an easy world to live in. We don't argue anymore because I know that you understand that I'm more capable (though not fully) to handle things on my own and to protect myself from this crazy world. I know as I grow older, you let me do things on my own and that's also your ways to know that you love me but also trust me enough to let me try some things on my own.
I love your music taste, Dad. And you're the one that sort of introduced me to my music. Some of my friends tell me that I have weird music, well, Dad, like daughter like father, right? I know you don't have any weird tastes for a man of your age, because you seems to like "songs from your decade" and those bands that you introduced to me (like Peter Gabriel, The Police, Supertramp and The Alan Parson Project) are a bit "weird" according to my friends, but that's okay, I like them anyway, I like them when I was a child, I like them now, so why stop? I also got one of your quirks, Mum said that if you're addicted (more like attached) to some kind of food, you'll eat that food like they won't produced that type of food tomorrow; yes, Dad, I also have that sort of thing and I'm currently in love with ice creams, just like you. People keep telling us how we look so much alike, but I have Mum's lips, that makes me grateful because I got both of you and I'm nobody's favorite. So, for all of that I love you with all my heart, but you have to share it with Mum and Nadhif, too.

Dear Mum,
Wow, Mum, I have no idea what I'm going to write. Because there's so much things that I want to write to you and I don't think people will be entertained enough to read my post about things that I want to write to you. So I'm gonna write the top things only, yeah?
So, Mum, I love you. I know I sometimes disappoint you. I know I sometimes make you sad, well, when I was a kid, I know I always make you sad every once in a week, if not everyday. I know that I do some things that make your heart hurt and sometimes curses me. I know that I have done some things that daughters aren't supposed to do or tell to their Mums. But I always say so sorry, whether I said those things direct to you or not. I know that I sometimes hate you for those things that you always do, like telling me things or stuff. But I know, like Dad, you always want me to achieve the greatest and the biggest star in the whole universe, even if it hurts you for me to reach it.

I sometimes jealous at you for all those things that you have done. All of those things that you've had achieved. Making things. Do stuffs alone. Fight things by yourself most of the time. Hold on the family. Even some small things like making me Macaroni in the morning or maybe even ask me if I want some things when you are at the mall. I love you for that, Mum. I love you for all of those things that you have to do. I love you for all of those things that you have done. I love you for never taking things for granted. I love you for just love me for the way I am, for the way that I sometimes hate you or just "different" from other girls of my age. I love you because you teach me how to be strong. I love you for all those unnecessary gifts. I love you because you can comfort me with your hugs or sometimes the knowing that you're always be there for me. I love you for everything, Mum. I will always love you.
You know... I don't heritage quirks from Dad, I heritage things from you too. You said you liked to read and now I really like to read books, well, not school stuffs but you get the point, yeah? You said you liked to daydreams, to be lost in those cloudy world. You also said that you were a bit mean in your teenage days, well, I am, too. I heritage things from you both, you know... but I'm grateful. Because I love you both. Because even if you sometimes don't trust my judgements, I know that you trust me, not completely or fully because you know that I don't even completely trust myself too.

I love you Mum and Dad.

so that was it. wanna try the 30 Days Letter Challenge yourself? click this.

Day 2 — Your Crush ♡

Monday, June 14, 2010 § 0

in this 30 Days Letter Challenge, I should write a letter to my crush.
unfortunately I don't have any crushes. nor a boyfriend. pity, I know. so, I'm still wondering to who this letter I'm going to write. wait, I need to decide to who first, then the letter will come up later. any idea to who? I don't have any crushes lately, well, I do, but he's only some fling, nothing real. But my friend Wardha thought I should make this later to him. So here you go...

hi, there, I know things between us aren't the same anymore, well, we've never had that things actually, but you know what I mean, right? So um... I don't even know what to say, but something in my stomach is telling me to get this thing done. Get things done... is something like get things between us done. I don't know if you know that I know that you know about this feeling, but I know that you know about this feeling of mine for you. It was nothing grand really, nothing fancy, only sparkles and glitters, but it was enough to made me hold on. To made me stay still in this line between friendship and crush. But lately I realized that I've stepped out of the line, or more like backed out of the line. I found myself stumbling at this feeling of mine for you that turns out doesn't exist anymore. Those sparkles and glitters and funny butterfly feelings... are all gone. vanished. engulfed by the mother earth. Quite the contrary of what I've written in few posts ago, this letter is. Wow... I mean... well, you know.

A friend of us, you probably know who, asked me if I want to have a relationship with you, if we could be together... but, of course, I declined. It wasn't because I didn't like you. It wasn't because I didn't want to be with you. It wasn't because I didn't have any feelings for you, because I do, I did. I certainly did. But because I knew if this thing happen between us, if we be together, I'd call myself such such an egoist person. I'd be very egoist. Because I knew that I was the only one who want the relationship with you. The one who is very eager. And you know what? I'm not. I'm not that eager to be with you. I only liked you, adored you. It certainly wasn't deep feeling, my feeling for you. Oh and of course, her. I wouldn't even dare to compete with her. She's all that. and I'm all this. And to quote Norah from the famous Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist movie, "This can't compete to pretty little that."

My feelings for you are, thanked God, gone. It doesn't mean that I hate you or I don't like you, I do. I really do like you. And I really do admire you, but all those funny feelings, those glitters are now gone. Its just going to be a simple friend adore another friend. Simple "Hey, you're awesome!". No more butterfly feelings, though.

sincerely, your freakishly in love with Doctor Who friend,

[James Stradner]

Unwritten Letter

Saturday, June 12, 2010 § 0

Day One: Letter To Best Friend.
I've got few best friends. they are wicked, but I think I'm gonna dedicate this post to Wardha who is going to leave Indonesia and study abroad in America. so here you go, Way.

I know we only got one and half years old of friendship, but I think that we get along together very fast and very easily. There are things that I wanted to say to you the day before yesterday that I want to say to you right now. I didn't say anything to you the day before because I couldn't think straight. All those crying and all those sadness made me realized that I'm a sucker for sad things that are happening around me, so I couldn't think well. Those things that I wanted to say are:

I really love you! You're one of the best of friends that I met in High School, despite our differences in point of views and our different characters, we managed to be good friends, great even. I love times that we spent together, those laughing, gossiping, shopping or just simple talk about things. There's this quote of you for me that I won't forget, it was that I can be both logical like men, but never abandons what my heart's decision. It was one of my favourite quotes, because you describe me with it. You can be quite a poet, of course, your true nature is goofy, but your occasional poetic character are sometimes making you a bit mature.

There are more things that I want to tell you, but of course, those words are stuck in my tongue, I couldn't quite get them out of my tongue, because there are too much to say. I don't want to write sad things here, because I can't quite feel them when you're still in Indonesia. It's not that I won't cry when you leave, but my brain still thinks that you're in here so it's still carefree and still thinks that you're here and just... haven't leave. I can't cry. It's true what Goya said, because you're merely still here and I still can laugh with you over the phone and over the Blackberry Messenger. I know I will see you one or two years from now, I know it would be fast, but I can't bear to lose a friend in this time of year. As a friend I want all the best of the world could offer to you, although I'm not quite sure how our friends and I could cope with you leaving us behind in this country, this fucked up, but not beyond repair, country.

Things that I wish for you are:
  1. you'll make us proud, make your friends proud, make your parents proud.
  2. promise me that you will take care of yourself, its a jungle out there, more than it is in here
  3. that you will come back to Indonesia one day. I know we gave you little simple things of here and there so that you can think about home, but those are only memories. you can't put your arms around memories, now can you?
  4. this friendship between me and you wouldn't be forgotten.
Oh wow. What a mighty lot of sentences that I wrote there. Didn't think it would be that long, though. I only thought that the letter would be only like goodbyes, but well, hormones are kicking in my veins and there are teenage dramas and inconvenient coincidences that are going on around me, so I'm pretty stubbornly sensitive at these times of the month; hence, the insensitive and non-sad me today.

I really can't write letter endings, but I hope that this letter represent my current state of mind about you and our friendship. And I hope that, eventhough you're far away, you would feel very at home with those gifts from us and all those memories, remember, though, you can't put your arms around memories, so come back one day, will you? We all be here waiting for you with big warm hugs and content smiles. Maybe some of us will change our appearances and change in personalities, but we still be your old friends, still those 16 years old girls with hopes of freedom and rebelliousness in the form of older, not necessarily more mature, women. We all love you and we all going to miss you very much. Well, I already miss you.

x, your lovely Doctor Who obsessed girl, Dilla Soenardhi.

ps: if someone know who the picture above belongs to, please comment on this post! 30 Days Letter Challenge


Friday, June 11, 2010 § 0

if currently my friends are all crazy about Skins, I'm all crazy, hyper, manic, head over heels, nuts about Doctor Who. I mean like seriously. Doctor Who has taken over my life, and I haven't even watched the series 3 and 4 yet. as I quote one of fans that made fanficts on, "BBC owns everything, including my soul. I want it back one day please." yes, people, Britain has taken over my life.

had a conversation two days ago with Fiya Muiz
me: "Fi, Britain has taken over my life. help?"
Fiya: "Welcome to my world."

Britain has already taken over her life since we were in the junior high. she liked things from Britain long before me. Take That sort of introduced me to British things and I just realized lately that Britain has already taken over my life since I was a child. I remembered when I was little, I was riding in the car with Dad, he was playing The Police on the radio and when I was singing, he said, "Great bands came from UK, you know like The Police, Pink Floyd, Genesis and many more. They are very artistic people." so UK has taken over my life. not only Doctor Who, its the entire nation has taken over my life. everything somehow has something to do with UK.

but then again, everything in my life has something to do with the others. its like chain reaction with many inconvenient coincidences in between those reactions, I can't really say inconvenient really-- but those coincidences are sometimes making me scared. coincidences and deja vu can pretty much summed up my life. I don't know if my own mind is playing with me or not, with all my heart I believe it is indeed playing with myself, but the universe is keep giving me those coincidences, sometimes unfortunate ones and weird ones, and deja vu. even so, I learned that there's no such thing as coincidence, only fate, although, can we call them fate if they keep coming and coming? or maybe its because they keep coming we can call them fate instead of coincidence, maybe because coincidence only occurs once? I don't even know myself... about all those things. because, like UK, those things have been with me since I was a little kid.

if I could match one couple to get married, I won't match me with all those handsome, breathtaking, studs, great bodies celebrities, I'm going to match Billie Piper and David Tennant together! they look so cute together, cuter than any "celebrity couples" I've ever seen. they are just great together. not that I want them to break up or divorce their partners, but if there's a chance I could match people before they were born, I definitely would match them. they are just so cute together, I've never been this eager to see people to be together before.

[lion vs. bear]

"Everything Necessary Is Spoken In Silence"

Tuesday, June 8, 2010 § 0

"in this freedom of speech world, this undoubtedly massive world of easy access of knowledge and information, people are slowly, but gradually, forgetting the meaning of words. words become nothing more than just the art of speaking; nothing fancy just like they used to. words nowadays are easy to speak of, with no such essence in what they are trying to represent within each words that we utter. words have lost their meanings.

lovers utter love with no depths. lovers offer love under the dim moonlight and the cloudy sky of false hopes. lovers often mistake the feeling of bloom, of happy, of content, with the feeling of love. lovers often speak the word love, but lost the idea that love, and words themselves, are equals to promises. such a shame, words are not the only one that lost their meanings, gestures also. a simple glare sometime can be exaggerate into such the symbol of interest, whilst the one who sent the glare only thought of them like simple stare, no more, no less. people sometimes misinterpret the meaning of simple smile, people have high hopes that those simple smiles are equal to love, equal to affection, while maybe, the giver of those smiles only offer small kindness in the midday chaos."

wrote those when I was taking my exam. physics to be exact. I hate physics, or maybe I hate it because I don't really understand the subject? well, doesn't matter, what matter the most is this: I hope that I don't utter words that I don't mean. I hope that I don't brag about things and really mean them.

things in my life lately had been the hectic ones. and all of things had gone a bit to fast, perhaps faster than I expected them to be and so much tiring than I hoped them to be. all those maddening exams. I filled my days with exams, study, sleep and read fan fictions. yes, I'm drugged by Doctor Who and I'm reading the series' fan fictions in between study and exams. it had become a habit really, to read fan fictions by the end of the night and "awe"-ing and "ooooh"-ing and "fuck this, I want the relationship like this, too"s.

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