Distinguishable
"Years of secret sufferings taught me superhuman self control" V. Nabokov, Lolita.
this post will be very personal, so I'm not gonna hate you if you think this post is very egoist, full of secret sufferings or whatever. I don't mind. I just don't want to bear this alone, I want to share it to someone or, you know, something. its gonna be a long boring post.
you know the chic-flick or teen movies, where there's this unique, well not clearly unique but, suffice it to say, different. she always been in the either geek club or no club at all, or maybe even alone with her lunch bag. and there's always the popular guy who likes this a bit different and out of place girl, he always plays this important role of man who changed his woman, his unique and entirely different woman, into this perfectly popular, or maybe just famous woman. there'll be conflicts and stuff, but he always gets the girl.
in reality, no such things exist. nobody will look at this entirely different woman, who looks like been transferred from, I don't know, Mars perhaps. nobody will say, "oh she's different why don't we match her with this famous guy, oh hey, he's single, let's match them.". they only pity her for being different. she only goes out with her 5 years-long best friends, or her close friends, if they are busy, she'll be going out with her family, looking odd.
in the end, she never get her "prince", only secret sufferings.
that's exactly how I feel right now. I don't know about the prince, maybe this isn't ending yet, because my life, thank God, hasn't ended. but still, the secret sufferings, the pain, the odd feeling, the loneliness, the... everything... feels like me. I feel it right now. and I don't care if anyone, bless that someone, would notice my "secret suffering". maybe I could bear the pain of suffering physically, but mentally is different. this is why I always write. I always watch things: movies, tv series and youtube videos.
thats why you always can caught me with books with my headphone, because I want to hide feelings, or just to block things out of my minds. it doesn't mean that I'm suffering from something big, but, you know... years of hiding tears and masking laughs, is just hard to open-up and tell everything to everyone. nothing is ever easy for me, learned it harder way than most of people. but I'm grateful though, because, oddly enough, I feel this suffering makes me tougher person and guess what, I'm proud to say that I am. maybe my friends or even my unspoken-enemies have this problems, small, nothing much, but to them its big and it could crush them up like tiny little ants against big giant scary elephants; I've already suffered from that thing at the time when I'm supposed to grow up and be happy.
there were lessons learned from sufferings like that. one of them is never attached to someone easily, trust someone easily is one thing and it's not something big, but attach to them is another thing. another lesson that I learned is if someone hate you and don't want to know a thing about you anymore, leave them, it's not that you need them to survive or something, its just... a friendship line that had been broken, move on. things that I can't manage easily is: to quickly move on with my life. apparently I'm a very very very faithful person, so its not easy for me to just leave someone or something and move on.
there there, I'm going to say goodbye for today and hello tomorrow, I'm tired. oh by the way, I just watched Iron Man 2, it was unbelievably awesome. Jon Favreau was funny.
this post will be very personal, so I'm not gonna hate you if you think this post is very egoist, full of secret sufferings or whatever. I don't mind. I just don't want to bear this alone, I want to share it to someone or, you know, something. its gonna be a long boring post.
you know the chic-flick or teen movies, where there's this unique, well not clearly unique but, suffice it to say, different. she always been in the either geek club or no club at all, or maybe even alone with her lunch bag. and there's always the popular guy who likes this a bit different and out of place girl, he always plays this important role of man who changed his woman, his unique and entirely different woman, into this perfectly popular, or maybe just famous woman. there'll be conflicts and stuff, but he always gets the girl.
in reality, no such things exist. nobody will look at this entirely different woman, who looks like been transferred from, I don't know, Mars perhaps. nobody will say, "oh she's different why don't we match her with this famous guy, oh hey, he's single, let's match them.". they only pity her for being different. she only goes out with her 5 years-long best friends, or her close friends, if they are busy, she'll be going out with her family, looking odd.
in the end, she never get her "prince", only secret sufferings.
that's exactly how I feel right now. I don't know about the prince, maybe this isn't ending yet, because my life, thank God, hasn't ended. but still, the secret sufferings, the pain, the odd feeling, the loneliness, the... everything... feels like me. I feel it right now. and I don't care if anyone, bless that someone, would notice my "secret suffering". maybe I could bear the pain of suffering physically, but mentally is different. this is why I always write. I always watch things: movies, tv series and youtube videos.
thats why you always can caught me with books with my headphone, because I want to hide feelings, or just to block things out of my minds. it doesn't mean that I'm suffering from something big, but, you know... years of hiding tears and masking laughs, is just hard to open-up and tell everything to everyone. nothing is ever easy for me, learned it harder way than most of people. but I'm grateful though, because, oddly enough, I feel this suffering makes me tougher person and guess what, I'm proud to say that I am. maybe my friends or even my unspoken-enemies have this problems, small, nothing much, but to them its big and it could crush them up like tiny little ants against big giant scary elephants; I've already suffered from that thing at the time when I'm supposed to grow up and be happy.
there were lessons learned from sufferings like that. one of them is never attached to someone easily, trust someone easily is one thing and it's not something big, but attach to them is another thing. another lesson that I learned is if someone hate you and don't want to know a thing about you anymore, leave them, it's not that you need them to survive or something, its just... a friendship line that had been broken, move on. things that I can't manage easily is: to quickly move on with my life. apparently I'm a very very very faithful person, so its not easy for me to just leave someone or something and move on.
there there, I'm going to say goodbye for today and hello tomorrow, I'm tired. oh by the way, I just watched Iron Man 2, it was unbelievably awesome. Jon Favreau was funny.
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