Juniper Zarina. Part I
I don't recognize myself anymore lately. Part of me dying slowly each day, like those groups of ants that take out parts of their food slowly and deliberately, as if they want me to have a slow death, painful one. I am not pleased. I am not fine. Who could be fine in these moments? When they love someone so much but they don't know who they are.
He's always vaguely there. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he's doing right now. In bed with other woman? Or maybe having late lunch with his beautiful girlfriend. I don't know. I barely know him. I barely remember his face. But he keeps coming, you know. Like unexpected parcels over the holidays, or maybe like raindrops in the middle of hot midday. I don't like this. I really don't. People always tell me to get a bloody move on and he really isn't there and I won't be stuck with this. As if they know him. As if they know how lovely he is and how... all of my expectations on men, all those qualities can be found in him. But where is he? He promised to be here.
"Are you even real?" sometimes I asked to him. And he would laugh, "Why?"
"Because you're perfect."
He smiled to my forehead, "No, I'm not. I'm just a normal human being."
"Are you sure?"
"Perfectly." he said with his assured tone.
I laughed at him. "You're not some biologically engineered robot or something, because I think you're too good to be true."
I could feel his hold tighten. "No... I'm a normal being."
"That's what I love about you, you're... normal but perfect."
"You're..." he stopped and took a breath, "Perfectly mine. Noone else's lady. I don't want anyone else to have you, you know..."
Bullshit. Boys and men, they all tell the same lies, with different arranged words. I don't trust words from boys. All they only give you is false hopes. They all wear the same mask, lies and false hopes and broken promises, so that they all can get what they want. But, I don't know what he wants from me. What he wishes he can get from me. What he's hiding. I can't tell. Because I only meet him once in few months and its frustrating me. My life is frustrating enough without him.
He's always vaguely there. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he's doing right now. In bed with other woman? Or maybe having late lunch with his beautiful girlfriend. I don't know. I barely know him. I barely remember his face. But he keeps coming, you know. Like unexpected parcels over the holidays, or maybe like raindrops in the middle of hot midday. I don't like this. I really don't. People always tell me to get a bloody move on and he really isn't there and I won't be stuck with this. As if they know him. As if they know how lovely he is and how... all of my expectations on men, all those qualities can be found in him. But where is he? He promised to be here.
"Are you even real?" sometimes I asked to him. And he would laugh, "Why?"
"Because you're perfect."
He smiled to my forehead, "No, I'm not. I'm just a normal human being."
"Are you sure?"
"Perfectly." he said with his assured tone.
I laughed at him. "You're not some biologically engineered robot or something, because I think you're too good to be true."
I could feel his hold tighten. "No... I'm a normal being."
"That's what I love about you, you're... normal but perfect."
"You're..." he stopped and took a breath, "Perfectly mine. Noone else's lady. I don't want anyone else to have you, you know..."
Bullshit. Boys and men, they all tell the same lies, with different arranged words. I don't trust words from boys. All they only give you is false hopes. They all wear the same mask, lies and false hopes and broken promises, so that they all can get what they want. But, I don't know what he wants from me. What he wishes he can get from me. What he's hiding. I can't tell. Because I only meet him once in few months and its frustrating me. My life is frustrating enough without him.