23 in 32 hours

I'm turning twenty three in a few hours. Or if you'd like to exactly count the hours, then I will be turning twenty three in 32 hours. How exciting.

I cannot remember the last time I feel this jittery, and I know it's not the delicious coffee that's making me this way. It's something else; something is in the air. Something wicked, and unfamiliar. Something that makes me want to simultaneously run away from and run towards. Something different.

But I am still lost, still trying to find a place for myself; aside from this three-seats-too-much table in this quaint coffee shop in my hometown. I long for a place where my thoughts would not run as fast as speed of light, and I would stop being so nervous all the time.

What did I learn by having to come this far, only this far:

I learned that being twenty two, almost twenty three, life passed by faster than you thought it would. But also slower, so much slower, when you are lonely, everything is amplified including time. Half longing for the day your state of loneliness would be amended, but also half wishing that you would make peace with being lonely.

I learned that it felt nice to have someone recognize you, to have them say, 'I see you'.

I learned that you may never find something to replace or fill in the void. You can only learn to live with it, to make it a shelter for something else in order to make it less of a cruel reminder but more of a niche to place broken dreams and childhood naivety.

I learned that you cannot forge and force love.

I learned that your physical presence can disappear at any moment without notice, but you still haunt minds.

I learned that being alone, for so long, makes me tired; the kind of tired that only human interaction can fix.

I learned that when you are starved for affection, attention, and romance, you'll try to get your fix from pretty much anything and everything. Even the ones that would satisfy your tongue but leaves you hungry for more.

I want to end this post with something witty, or perhaps even quotable. But the fact remains, I am lost. And I stop wishing that someone would take me away from this madness.

but for those who are interested, tomorrow I will be releasing essays. please contact me for further info.