2024 Recap

It is nearing the end of 2024.

I just had dinner with my parents and baby brother. We talked about everything—politics, fashion, Mufasa movie, unagi, and travelling amongst other things—over collagen hotpot broth, each of us munching on fresh veggies, homemade tsukune, heaps of sliced beef, with goma & yuzu dips. Our past cycles could not synchronise this well. It feels surreal being able to have the four of us sitting down without bickering, having heated discussion, or reaching our respective phones to avoid any direct interaction. I suppose each of us should thank the individual journey of self-reflection that we went through. Even if it came at the cost of going through simultaneous acute heartbreaks, losses, and grief. Though, I wouldn't deny and pretend that my inner bitter emo teenage self never quipped "maybe we are easier to love and taken care of once we reached the point of adulthood and independence."

It is nearing the end of 2024.

I am no longer the person that barely made through breakup unscathed over two years ago. We wouldn't probably associate ourselves with one another if we weren't the same person. She was mighty like a house of cards made out of anger, resentment, instability, delusion, perseverance, and flight response. One wrong word, gesture, or glance, she would flee herself out of the situation. I understand now that I needed to be her in order to survive feeling everything immensely and intensely, but I wouldn't want to be presumptuous to say that I was likable (again, my inner bitter emo teenage self would claim that we are worse than that because we were unlovable). Suffice to say, she was a hurricane. A passionate loving hurricane of a person who went through constant periods of unstable emotions. Indeed, what she deserved was kindness, understanding, and abundance of patience—such a shame nobody could provide her enough with that.

It is nearing the end of 2024.

Already seven and a half years after the proverbial tell-all by twenty three years old version of yours truly. Yet, the connection between me and Inevitable hasn't gone away. Honestly, I think that—no matter distance, time, or status separating us—we will always have this red string tying us together. Our knot may come loose as if untied, but it's been proven that inevitably and unexpectedly the knot would tighten itself up again, though interestingly never to the point of matrimonially tying the knot. We keep repeating the same numbers and songs; echoes of ourselves from eons ago would have loved to know that we are still dancing with fate as well as with each other. Whenever I'm metaphorically tucked in his arms, I always feel safe and secure. There is a calmness within that I can only identify when he is around; a specific trait that none other than him could provide. Perhaps this feeling is the product of my own yearning. My want. But it doesn't negate the fact that other people could see it too. To quote our mutual friend, "you know that feeling when you're invited to an event where you don't know anyone and you feel so out of place; but then you bump into someone you know and feel safe with? that's how you feel when you're with him. safe. secured. and he feels that way too since he's all acting childish, actually like a kid, when he's around you. he's able to expose himself by being vulnerable. he's safe. with you."

Sometimes I question how I feel about it all: how do I always find the strength in looking into the eyes of someone you thought your children would inherit their eyes from?