I'm Not Good At Waiting

"Why do you want a boyfriend?"

"Well, I just want to, you know. I want him to be mine."

On the inside, I laughed.

Am I the only one who feel this way? The one who think that every relationships are sacred, not just some toys you can play with and be done with it in matter of months. I am still conventional in that sense. I still think relationships and people's feelings are valuable, not something that can be easily disposed of like books you no longer like or fashion items that are no longer trending. I've always wanted to be in a relationship since I was a bushy-haired temperamental little girl, but not that way, not in a way where feelings are not considered as anything that's remotely important. I've always wanted something real. I've always wanted someone that's real.

The real reason why I want to have a relationship?

It's because I want someone that I can share everything with, and also the first person that I can trust completely without any doubts or distractions. It's because I want someone to take care of me when, like currently, I feel like the world is ending. It's because I've been through shits nobody had ever seen before and I survived, even though metaphorically, my soul is dying and too broken to be fixed. It's because my heart longs to be filled, to be as whole as it was once when I was a mere 3 years old. It's because I want to tell him the whole truth, a person as my own walking biography. It's because, selfishly, I want to feel, contrary to what everyone constantly tells me, like I'm worth it, like I mean something. Like I'm not a disposable person that you can use anytime they want. Like I mean something, not just another faceless stranger in his life. I'm just tired of convincing myself. It's simple, and perhaps some of you think this is too immature and too childish for someone of my age, but... have you been through all the shite I've been since I was 4 years old? Have you?