Excessively

Sunday, November 9, 2014 § 0

Due to my being exhausted by my own thoughts of not receiving acceptance from the most supportive people in my life, I have decided that I will put my thoughts at rest by forming them in my most trusted companion. My blog. Furthermore, I have yet to know anyone else, beside a small selected few, that would be open to my thoughts about marriage and kids.

The exact idea about writing this came upon learning that my friend basically wrote something similar to what I am about to tell, even though hers is more based on her religious point of view, while mine is a bit far off. This post would probably be very honest and I open to any discussions, thoughts, or even rants that you may have. It is open to any interpretation, I will try to give this as blunt as possible, but, at the same time, express my voice in a way that would not insult anyone.

For the first time in my blog, I will put a read more section so people could choose ignore this one and this will be a really long post. And the comment section is open if anyone wants to give your thoughts or express anything. Who am I kidding, this blog has zero hit



I cannot remember the exact time that I first thought about not having kids. There is no poetic remembrance that could tell everyone about how that day's sudden Summer breeze or the sound of people in the amusement park inspired me to make such huge decision. Perhaps everything that they told you is wrong, you actually can have epiphany about life-turning moments without having to remember the actual event. Life is really simple if we are looking at it like that.

Contrary to popular belief, it is not because of the thought that I could not love someone else that makes me thinking about weighing an option to not have kids. It is the thought of loving someone else too much for their own good. The first thing that I learned from love (and years of observing almost every type of it) is that if it's not in the right amount, too much or not enough, it would only destruct the person who receives it. And I would love this person to the point that I'd do a death-defying act. This person would be the living embodiment of the love that I share with my significant other. And why wouldn't I love it so much with all my might? I would literally die for this person. Even though I would only be the ghost-like presence in their life, but I would cherish them.

And because of my deep love for this person, I would want the best thing that the world can offer. I want to teach the art of balancing between working hard and having fun. Teaching that there is nothing wrong with having a small little world that this person could go back in to when the everything else is destructive for their progressive pace towards being a better person. Relaying my love for stories, perfume, sweaters and writings. Creating a whole day with this person just to bake some cakes or create chocolateless chocolate ice cream. Taking this person to amusement parks or water park with bags packed with sugarless ice tea and cookies. Dropping this person to my parents whenever this person misses my father's kisses and my mother's cooking. It would be an ideal world if that, any of that, happens in the future. Such is a dream.

But, being an observant for twenty years has taught me a lot of things, most of them are dark truths about our life that we often idealised and idolised to the point of creating impossible scenarios in our heads. As much as I would love it to see the previously mentioned circumstances to happen in my life, but teaching pigs to fly would be much more realistic. The world would be too dark and I have seen what it does to the best of people, making them to cower behind the false Gods of booze and needles. I could teach this person to be smart, to be tough, to be brave, as well as to be kind, but it is not enough for this world. Why birth something that is pure, only to be tainted and battered by the heavy weight of how the people's minds shaped it. The romanticised versions of the world, which the poets died for and the lyricists killed for, would probably be ideal for forming the world's future leaders, but not this reality, not the one where ideas are crushed by the existing system.

Other than my hypothetical love, the reason as to why being a parent to a kid is not preferable to me is because no one can guarantee me that my relationship with this person's father would last longer than any discovered stars in the Universe. I understand, believe me I do, no need to lecture me, that love and relationship is something that you build with someone, or something that you work on everyday and it is not something that you can hold off for a moment. But can anyone convince me that my love would be enough and would not be tainted by this insanely cruel world, that I would give my best for this person and my significant other? That I would not get strayed off because I got caught up in doing something that's intentioned for them, at first? Can anyone also tell me that I could still have myself, even though I dedicate my life wholly for this person?

As you can see, there are many sides of me that I take in to considerations. Another reason is that, with everything that is going on right now and seeing how my brother––imagine that, my brother, only seven years younger than me––is struggling with his education and his life, even though my parents––bless them––have tried to give him the best schooling possible in order to be able to have a job that would generate comfortable living condition. I am living this hell, where everyone is overqualified at their jobs because of the overpopulation and the greediness of exclusive minor group in this world. If this is what we are currently facing, people could only imagine what it would happen twenty six years from now––if we calculate that I give birth when I am 28––when the world would be more populated with less resources (given the fact that there would be no mass genocide in the heavily populated part of the world or there would be no big changes in the international system).

Few years of being an International Relation student taught me the cruelty that people could do just to satisfy their greediness. These years have shown me something more than just theories because the type of study that I chose is real and relatable to anyone at any point in this rock in space. People only use each other. Powers matter. Money matter. And I could not have the sense of certainty that I would have power and money enough to love this person and to ensure a good position in this world.

I never thought that love and the idea of preserving mankind are good enough reasons to have kids. Even though I am a firm believer that love never dies only mutated into another form that only the person knows, but I still haven't found any believable reason to trust that mutation to be enough for this person. To my hypothetical child. Raising a kid is not an easy feat, especially if we are talking about raising someone so innocent in ten years time.

Even my readiness to taking care and being responsible of someone else is not the biggest part of my preference to not have one.

Another reasons is I believe that humans are not just supposed to roam the Earth and get benefited from its resources. Though I was not raised by a hippie––more like yuppie––but my parents are religious to a fault, and their religion has been my most ideal form of trusting an invisible being. This specific religion states that humans are superior to any other kinds, but we would be punished––as everything is with the religion that believe in the reward and punishments––if we do the dark deeds such abusing our superiority. And I believe that humans are currently doing such thing in the world to the world. Earth is such beautiful place, but its generosity towards mankind has not been returned fully (or perhaps excessively). The Earth could use less humans.



Perhaps I am thinking about this topic too much. And none of my friends has actually given me a straight-up answer as to why having kids is important. Some has said that it would be the living embodiment of the love I share with my significant other, and I would always counter that there would be another way to show people that I love the father of this person. Creating another person just to prove it seems silly and an outdated form of being vain. Another reason that I don't believe is for them to be our caretaker when we are old and weary of the physical journey. I would argue that with the fact that there are many professional nursing homes being established that provide excellent services. And religion is another thing that they argue to me. I do not even want to retort any of that for fearing that I would hurt their feelings.


Now, tell me.

Is there any reason why I should believe otherwise?

What's this?

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