Weekend Surprise

I was taken aback by my cousins insistent questions about my life, and the sudden stories that accompany them. Not as surreal as "Why didn't you bring your boyfriend to our annual family gathering?", but they indeed had myself questioning of how I should relay my thoughts into simplest of words, to become as easily digestible as air, because the deathly ideas that often overly consume me daily cannot easily expressed through simple sentences. However, I can always try.

When I tried. They came out short, and they were unable to truly explain the circumstances I'm in. It is what it has always been; we try to explain the world inside ourselves but they can only perceive the breathable and comprehendible versions of it, versions that may not be the truth as we are capable of give them such few glimpses.

Of course, it wouldn't have bothered me if I was talking to someone who won't even consider me as their acquaintance. But to think that they are my own family, flesh-and-blood, and they may have the chance to think about me in their own ways and absorb everything I said to themselves with their own experiences; each will judge me differently according to themselves and some may influence the others.

Because it is what it is in the real world, isn't it?

The sole reason for me to leave is to make myself happy, because in the end when everyone including your loved ones are gone, I can only be the one that makes myself happy; that will battle demons and overcome mourns. And the only kind of happiness that I know is the kind where I feel content just living in my own skin without having to worry about what's going to happen and who's going to judge. The kind that let me breathe without having to worry about how soon am I going to suffocate. The kind that let me fight for more. I wish to battle for myself, for my own happiness. Whatever that may be.

Don't worry my love, I'll quit doing lone battles once I found someone that can walk through walls and find his way through the maze. Don't worry.