Cliche, I Know

Just around an hour ago, I told my friend that I was going out alone to find a Christmas gift for my friend. The reason why I opted to go out alone, this time, was because of the time consumption and due to the fact that I have not taken myself out for weeks. She was baffled by my choice to go out alone, she called me brave because she was petrified of the thought of being alone amidst the crowd of couples, families, and friends.

I found this a bit funny because people reacted differently whenever I told them that I was about to go out alone, or whenever I told them that I was alone somewhere enjoying my book or writing something or getting my papers done or even just window shopping. The emotions they displayed ranges from surprised and disbelief, though the two of them are not the most extreme. The reactions that I receive always showcases the true nature of their personality.

What is it about being alone that makes people think about loneliness and separation from the cluster of society?

Being alone is supposed to feel liberating. You are allowed to be and feel none other than you are during that particular time and space. You are permitted to use whatever it is in your disposal as means for you to accomplish whatever it is you have in mind during that moment, including not doing anything. You do not have to worry about anything but consuming time. There is no one that could nag you or drag you around. It is a moment where you suppose to enjoy your longtime companion, yourself. The only downside is that you have no one to share with.

Maybe it's also because I grew up differently. Looking back, I am relieved to have experienced certain things in certain ways since I have turned out to be the exact person that I need for myself. I found comfort and companionship being alone, though not necessarily the entire time. My past built me into this person that do not turn away the chances of being alone, the person that actually looks forward to being alone and immerses herself in the situation. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting up with people and sharing everything with them, yet there is particular kind of peace that I crave whenever I've spent days interacting with people.

Currently, true to my nature, I am writing in a well-known coffee shop while drinking an iced cappuccino. Cliche, I know. But this is where I blossom best; where my thoughts are synchronized and not wandering unintentionally. Maybe this is how you define my comfort zone because it's a place that I run back to whenever I want to feel safe and secure: by myself behind a laptop, writing something while people watching. But this is also my greatest weakness. I have come to rely on myself so much that I do not find the concept of other people leading my life for me a pleasant one. My lone journey is still incomplete.

However, this is not saying that I love being lonely. Being alone and being lonely are two different concepts; though both give us equal meaning of feeling estranged, the first one is felt by choice while the second one comes to you inadvertently. I have found myself in the two situations, both simultaneously and separately.

It's difficult to write about being lonely. The first thing that came in mind was "what kind" and "how come". There are different types of loneliness, and I intend to write about that since I have felt most kind of loneliness. We will see how it turns out. Since, after all, loneliness is a terribly unexpected visitor that knocks in the door in inopportune times. It has been a guest in my mind and in my heart for a very, very long time.

I don't think it has ever, or it will ever, left.