Juniper Zarina

Pure

2012-01-09T23:59:00.003+07:00

I've always been fond of the rain. The static temporary stillness that the rain graced by just being there. All outdoor activities gradually stops, paying their respect to something bigger than human beings, saluting the mother nature. Perhaps, mothers still taking care of their children, fathers still doing their jobs, some grandmothers still mourning for the lost of their love life, some kids still trying to steal cookies before dinnertime and some lonely people still hoping when the rain can bring some miracles to their tiny, what they seemed, insignificant lives. Rain has such an enigmatic power that can reduce us to our simplest form of emotions, to reduce us into something trivial, to remind us that there is something more gigantic and more important than us, like the mother nature.

Some find blessings under the rain. Some find mistakes. Nevertheless, the mysterious divine strength behind ordinary weather is quite life-changing. The rain has also another trick on its sleeve when it comes to melancholy, nostalgia, pensive musings, it can find the most sorrowful memory or the most euphoric moments in your life, grip them tight and watch them fall apart around you, making your being reminded of the presence of the past again and again. Forgotten terrible mistakes can be recalled again in front of your eyes, like you are there again. The dark monsters and the empty nightmares are there again, lurking, poking about and laughing at your fear because it manifests itself from your profound, yet unexplainable, frights. Nevertheless, there are some happiness, or perhaps sentimental, feeling about the rain, how it can remind you of the sweet sound of your lovers' laugh when they were dancing in the rain with you, how it can make you miss your grandmother's hot honeyed tea, how it can make you sing the old tunes you thought you forgot and how it can make you cherish the days you once knew. I suppose the rain can do all that because it is, undeniably, unquestionably and scientifically-approved, basic form of every being in the whole world. Hydrogen and Oxygen.

Flight Part II

2012-01-09T22:23:00.004+07:00

“And well, he was lying there, bandages everywhere, but awake. Completely sober. He smiled at me and called my name gently. I thought my heart could explode just because he called my name. I smiled back and asked him how he knew my name, he only smiled, up until now I still don’t know how he knew me. I thought he didn’t even know I exist, but it was the contrary.” she paused for awhile, eating her beef.

“He apologized for bothering me and he thanked me for bringing me to the hospital. When I asked for the first time, he told me it was because there was a party went wrong, but I knew better, there was no party, I didn’t say anything, though. I quickly said a goodbye because I needed to go home then. He nodded and thanked me again,”

She stopped for awhile, eating her food and drinking her tea. When she was finished, she continued.
“That night I was screaming in my room because I got closer to the boy that I loved. I utterly loved, that I still love. And on the same night, he texted me, thanked me again and asked me how was school that day. We began texting each other since then, but I knew he didn’t have any feelings whatsoever for me. After awhile, I began to think of him as an unattainable person, although he didn’t have any girlfriends, because he was too… private, but still, he was my best friend and I knew something more about him than anybody else. I felt blessed. One day, when he was bruised all over, I promised myself to be someone that could heal him, physically and mentally, that could mend him, you know. I didn’t care if I’ll never be his wife, but at least I could save him, I could make him happy. But of course, he decided to marry me and I went into a dilemma because if I chose to be with him, I would live in a lie with someone that I love because I know he doesn’t love me back, but if I didn’t choose to be with him, well… there goes my chance to be with someone I love.”

They paid the bill and then went strolling the garden.

“Where was I? Oh… well, of course, I chose to be his wife. He may not love me, but at least I tried my best to make him happy. There’s nothing more that I love more than his smile, his happiness. I’ll do anything as long as he’s happy.”

“So, why aren’t you with him right now?” he asked while putting her closer to his body to prevent more cold penetrating her body.

She looked up at him. How she wanted to kiss him then, but she knew it was not him. Although this
man next to her was definitely looked like him, but it was not him. She could not kiss his twin brother just because she missed her husband. The man next to her, although he looked exactly the same, was not the man she was falling in love with. He was not the man who she gave all of herself to. He was not him.

“He can survive without me. I mean… he’s happier without me.” she said softly.

“How do you know?” he asked, his voice was a bit rough from the cold she thought.

She smiled at him with tears on her eyes and she promptly hugged him. “I’m a burden.”

“Please come back home, I know you don’t want to do this.”

She shook her head violently. “I can’t follow you back home, I mean… I can’t do this anymore, I’m a burden to him. Besides, the deal was you follow me here to protect me and help me find a job, I can’t come back.”

“Please?” he whispered.

She cried even more. Her tears soaked his shirt.

“Wife, please come home with me. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.” he chanted.

“Sean?” she asked, looking up from his chest. She could see his eyes were watering and he nodded briefly. She cried harder and burried herself in his chest.

“Come home. John needs you. Joanna needs you. I need you. Come back home. Please? I can’t. I fucking can’t imagine how I live without… come home please” he screamed.

“You don’t nee—”

“I need you. I need you more than I need myself. I love you so much. Please, please, please don’t ever leave me. Come home please.” he said while holding her tightly. “Please.”

She nodded and he showered her face with kisses. “Promise you won’t leave?” She nodded again.

“Let’s go home.”

Flight Part I

2012-01-04T23:48:00.001+07:00

Her soft hair brushed his bare neck, her head barely reached his chin. He rubbed his chin on top of her head and kissed it gently. She sighed happily to his chest and hugged him even tighter. He held her possesively, his right hand encircled her waist and his left was around her shoulders. His eyes lit up when the fireworks began to explode in the sky. Upon hearing the sound, she turned her body halfway and rested her hand on his waist.
“Happy fifteenth anniversary, Mrs. Tobb.” he whispered to her forehead.
She smiled sheepishly to his chest. “Indeed, husband, indeed.”
One of her hand placed gently upon his chest, feeling the steady thud of his heart. Her eyes no longer focused on the firewoks, instead it was upon her simple gold wedding ring with square-cut diamond on her finger. She kept turning it around and around and around, each time she felt the engraved words inside the ring, without even peering inside she knew the words, “You are loved”.
To the people around them and to him, she looked like a woman who was nostalgic, swirls of memories passed her mind, especially when she gazed at her ring lovingly. One man knew better, though. The man, with the same height as him, was standing merely ten feet from them, gazing at her longingly. The man was holding a glass of Champagne and his parner.

“Are you ready?”
The man nodded. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Then let’s go.”
“Remind me our plane again?”
“It’s on your ticket.”
“Oh yeah, right.”
She laughed heartily and then stopped.
“What?” the man asked.
“You remind me of him…”
The man rubbed her back gently. “There there…”

The man and her arrived at the hotel around dinner time. They quickly checked themselves in. He was quite suprised when he found out they got their own rooms, with a questioning look from her, they went to put their luggages on their respective rooms after promising to meet each other at the restaurant to eat dinner together.
After showering and dressing up, she went downstairs. She greeted the man with a polite smile. They both quickly found a table and sat on the chairs at the same time. She frowned a bit, remembering her spouse always pulled out a chair for her first, but she quickly shook her head, she could not compare the man in front of her with her husband, because they are different people.
“What is it?” he asked.
She smiled briefly. After the waitress came and gave them menus. “Nothing. So, what are we going to eat?”
“I’ve never been in this restaurant actually, you pick.” he said while scanning his menu.
She nodded. “I’m going to have roast beef and ice tea.”
“I’ll order the same.” he said to the waitress.
The waitress nodded and then left them both.
“So…” he began.
She raised her eyebrows at him.
“Spill your beans.”
He looked at her with pleading eyes and she finally nodded. “Fine, but don’t ever tell this to anyone. Ever.”
“Cross my heart and hope to be rich.”
She laughed a bit. “You already are.”
“Well…?”
“Yes. Where to start? The beginning? Fine. He was my childhood crush. My first love. He was famous and I was a simple nobody. One day, one fine afternoon, when I was seventeen and he was twenty-two, I was driving my car when I was him lying there, face down. I was passionately curious back then, so I stopped my car and nudged his shoulder but he wouldn’t budge. I turned him over and he was bleeding from his head to his chest. I shook his body, I wanted to call his name but I was afraid that he would think of me as a weird stalker, which indeed I was. I decided to take him to the hospital and so I did. I paid for his charges and when I was finished with the papers, I got called to go to his room,” she took a deep breath and drank her ice tea.

Of 2011

2011-12-28T21:25:00.000+07:00

I suppose it is time to be grateful. 2011 is one of the year that's very influential for me, for my future. Not only for my present being, but for the unseen future. I suppose, by knowing some circumstances and truths, this year is the most challenging, not only physically but mentally too. This year revealed things about me that I did not even know before, call it cheating, or denying I guess, but I did not know about it before it presented itself in front of me. I looked at the past so many times this year, rewinding the moments of the lost past, finally putting on some missing jigsaw puzzles of the hard recollection of the past. Still incomplete, but finally this whole mess is gradually sorted, but it is still not clear when this disorder will be resolved. After all, Частини були колись цілого. Nevertheless, I shall thank God for unveiling those mysteries to me. Until next time.

Shadowed Figure

2011-12-23T13:47:00.000+07:00

I guess everything seems surreal. How the ghosts of my past who were nudging me in my head and blackened my heart. How the ghosts in my head swam their ways to my heart. How there was a demon inside of me, lurking about, trying to take over my head, metaphorically.

Everything feels like nothing. Nothing worths anymore. Nothing feels important to me anymore. Everyday I feel just like a train station waiting for a train, but the train keeps passing and passing. Everyday goes by with a single same structure, I got up, survived, and go back to bed. Each day seems as worthless as the day before and the day after.

In a way, the reason everyday seems worthless is because the things I chase are in the form of material. Perhaps, I am chasing after something that's irrational. I chase after feelings, not tangible things. Feelings are hard to gain, you know? They are precious, precious things. Not buyable. I yearn for things that intangibles. I want things that differ us from androids, I want something that makes us humans. Feelings.

Depression is something human, but to think it over... depression's symptoms are mostly feeling numb or nothing at all, but how can you feel something when you are numb? Pain, sadness, depression and grief are all the things that I feel. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to give me feelings much greater than those negative emotions, I want someone who can ease those away.

I am not saying I cannot survive alone, because I am my own solid ground, but... sometimes I feel like I am tired and enough of bearing the demons alone, sometimes I wish I have a solid ground that isn't myself.

There's this title of a song from the band that I really like, it's called "What Do You Go Home To?", I've asked myself thousands of the same question. What do I go home to? My parents? My brother? Sometimes, perhaps, yeah, but no. I don't have a real reason, a place of where I belong to. A place where I can soothe all of my worries. A home. Yes, my house provides the home-feeling, but no, sometimes this house still bares nightmares and unimaginable frightening thoughts. There's nothing wrong with this house, I know, but there's something in this house, and also the other place I currently occupy, that makes me just want to break down. Want to fall apart, to completely broken down into shattered tiny million pieces.

I feel like a very fragile window glass, it keeps everything inside and on the outside you can see everything is normal, but you don't know what's going on inside, you don't know if there is a series of broken furnitures, torn books, shattered lamps, you don't know the state inside; the window is so fragile, yet so strong, perhaps it's fragile because nobody ever tried to knock the window, to peeked what's inside. It's kind of selfish, I know, for wanting to be noticed. For wanting to have someone to have feelings for you.

I tried to kill what's inside. I tried. So hard. The demons in my head keep playing with me. Sometimes I can't bear it all. I'm so tired. Please, can I have my solid ground now?

[Peter_P.]

Two

2011-12-22T17:31:00.000+07:00

"Have you ever fell in love?" the first person asked with such curiosity.

"Of course I've had! I am in love right now. How about you?" the second person answered.

"Yeah. Once." said the first person. This person's eyes gazed longingly at the darkened sky.

The second person looked at where the first person gazed. "With who?"

The first person did not answer immediately, instead, this person looked at the building in front, pretending to read something and then looked up, staring at the second person's face with sadness. "You."

3 -- 4

A three years old girl with black curly hair, button nose and big blue doe eyes stared at him with wonders. He stared back at her with the same wonders. Her plump cheeks were covered in chocolate fondue. He stuck a tiny finger out and reached for the fondue while licking his lips in anticipation. The boy, who was older by a mere ten months, put his chocolate-covered finger into his mouth and devoured it delicately.

"I love chocolate." he said with a grin.

The doe-eyed girl stared at him curiously, her lips were pursed and then it broke into a smile. "I wuf 'o'olat tow"

If was his first time talking to her. It was his first time talking ever.

10 -- 11

The black-curly hair girl was now ten years old and she was attending a school, a year behind him. She made friends, but none as special as him. He was her first friend, her first best friend. She could talk to him about everything and nothing. He was a living and walking diary for her, and she for him. It was funny, as it turned out, how he was the taciturn kind of boy, but he always gave out the best of advices and he never let her down. His advices were always comforting, like today.

"What should I weeeeaaaar?" she shouted from her closet.

He could only shook his head while doing his homework. "You are only going to a party, not to the President's daughter's wedding. Just… wear one of your dresses."

She stuck her head out from her closet. "But it's Liana's Birthday Party! I can't wear my usual dresses!"

He shook his head again. "Here, let me find something for you."

He went inside her closet, which was small even for a pair of children, and searched for a particular dress. The dress was unlike her other princess-y dresses, it was a summer dress, with a heart-like hole on her back. It was yellow and paisley-patterned. The skirt was in a-line, not that both of the children knew about it, but it made her look pretty. It was a pretty dress and she looked pretty in it, he thought.

When he finally found the dress, he took it out of one of the drawers and then put it in her hand. "Now," he said, "My job is finished, let me get back to my homework, I know you need my help on yours after you try it on. And yes, you'll look dashing in it."

She smiled and let him out of the closet. She shut the door of the closet and changed into her summer dress. She got out and watched herself twirling the dress on the mirror.

"See, it suits you." he said without looking up from her homework.

"I know! Thank you!" she hurried hug him on the neck, causing a small smile and a slight blush on his face. She immediately pulled back and started to hum to the closet to change her clothes.

16 -- 17

"You're lucky you don't have Chemistry with Roberts this year." he said while studying her timetable closely.

She stopped writing on her note and studied his face. "Why?"

"He can't fucking teach Chemistry. He's as lazy as fuck. And as dumb as a desk." he said.

She giggled delicately. "Thank God."

He sat back on her white sofa, she followed him and leaned her head on his shoulder. "Penny for your thoughts?" he asked.

She laughed. "Since when did you care about my thoughts?"

She made an attempt to playfully slap him but did not succeed, he caught her wrist and laced their fingers. She immediately stilled and stared at him with the same wonders like she was three.

"I've known you all my life, I know you." he answered but did not meet her eyes.

Her shocked look turned into somewhat warmth gaze, her eyes softened and she played with his fingers on her hand. "Nah, nothing bothers me. I got you, don't I?"

"You are lying."

"No, I'm not."

"You are."

"No."

"You. Are."

She threw her hands up and put them back on her lap, he did not make an attempt to wrap her fingers again so she smiled. "I am."

"So…?"

"In love."

He turned his head and stared at her. "With who?"

"Not going to tell you." she singsonged.

He burrowed his brows and looked at her threateningly. "Tell me or I'll…"

"You'll what? I'm not scared at you. Besides, I'm sixteen, you'll get in jail not only for killing an underage girl!" she said with a mock smile on her face.

He smiled at her. "I know. I'm just making a scene. So… cup of tea?"

"Yes, please."

17-18

He hugged her fiercely. "I GOT ACCEPTED IN PRINCETON!"

She hugged him as fierce. "CONGRATULATIONS! PARTY AT YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT!"

He pulled back and stared at her with happiness. "Thanks to you!"

She gave him a mock shock. "Moi? Oh my, imagine all the prize… for helping the smartest boy at school? Wow!"

He smiled lovingly, "No, for helping me overcome my fears, depressions… for everything, thank you!"

She hugged him briefly and let him go. "No problem. You always helped me, back in the days, why shouldn't I return the gestures?"

He nodded and pulled her to his car. "Wait wait, where are you taking me?"

"Just go with me, please?"

"I'm not dressed, Fred!"

"Jane, you always wear the best of clothes at school, you are dressed, now please go out with me."

She blushed fiercely. "Thank you, I know, I'm the prettiest at school! Now go get in the car, you are not the only boy that get to date with me today!"

He growled but smiled deeply and got into the car. With a "woohoo" scream from Jane, they off to a restaurant.

18 -- 19

Fred was snoring loudly at his dorm, his roommate was away with one of his dates and the alarm clock was off that day. It was a hot blazing summer Saturday and Fred decided to sleep some more. The term was over but he was invited to practice football and he got a summer job there, so he did not bother to come back and visit his family.

But a family visited him. Jane was standing outside his dorm on her five-inch pink pumps and a knee-high yellow summer dress with an acceptance letter on her hand. She promptly knocked on his door. She received a slight grunt in response so she barged in like she own the place.

"FRED GET UP!" she yelled, somewhat authoritatively.

"Yes, mother." he said and sat up. He blinked once, twice and erupted a laugh. "Jane!"

"Fred!" she shrieked. "You are not wearing any shirt!"

"Oh please, like you've never seen me naked before? Remember the swimming pool when you are three? The water park when you are four and five, and six I guess. You've seen me in all my absolute glory." he said simply but putting on a shirt nonetheless.

She closed her eyes and peeked, when she knew he was done, she opened her eyes and gave him a wide smile. "Hello, Fred."

He smiled back and pulled her into a giant bear hug. "Hello, Jane. What made you come here and visit your old rusty friend?"

She pulled back from his hug and stood up. "Oh shut up, you are neither old nor rusty."

He smiled. "So?"

"Well... I just missed my friend..." she said while looking at the posters on his room. "And..." her fingers traced the patterns of his wooden desk. "I thought I could visit my future Uni."

"YOU WHAT? YOU GOT ACCEPTED IN HERE? CONGRATULATIONS!" he screamed and came to hugged her, his face on her glorious wavy hair.

"I knew it!" he said to her vanilla-scented hair. "I knew you could make it in here! Welcome to Princeton!"

She hugged him tightly. "Thank you! Told you I could make it without you."

He laughed heartily and pulled back. "Can I treat you a dinner?"

She looped his arm. "Why of course, monsieur!"

20 -- 21

"God, I'm so fucked up! What is this shit?!" she asked, pointing a term on her 3000-paged book.

He looked at it for a few seconds and then continued to write something on his notebook. "Did you miss a lecture?"

"No!!! Why would I? I'm not the one who was up all night partying." she scowled.

He nudged her forcibly. "Don't mock. You are the one who doesn't understand it."

"So? What is it? You are my senior."

He stared at her with focus and seriousness. "I have no idea."

She stared back with a blank expression and then laughed wholeheartedly. "Oh, Fred... let's eat dinner, shall we? My treat."

20 -- 21

"Did you see that? Oh my God, did Tracy Jones just made out, no, no, not made out, engulf his face? Girl, get a room." commented Jane's new best friend.

"Oh my God, I think I know the guy." said another Jane's new best friend. "I think it's..."

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Jane, she was just back from the restroom for reapplying her makeup.

Her two new best friends shut their mouths. "Nothing." they said in unison.

"Now, now, a party like this? Things like nothing will never happen." Jane said.

"No, let's get some punch!" said one of her new best friends.

"I want to see!"

"No, Jane, don't. Let's find another party, okay?"

"No!" insisted Jane and she walked in at Tracy Jones making out, her heart just broke into pieces.

She immediately turned back. "No big deal, let's just go get some punch."

Her eyes were stinging.

20 -- 21

"Dude, I just made out. She's so fucking hot. I think I'm gonna... if you know what I mean." said Fred's friend and smiled naughtily.

"Do you mean you just..." Fred lost it. He punched his friend flat on his face.

"She's mine, you asshole! You fucking piece of shit!" screamed Fred.

21 -- 22

"Hey, Jane. I got some good news." said Fred over the phone.

Jane stopped writing. "What's up?"

"I got accepted in a job at London, I'm moving next week."

"OH MY GOD, THAT'S GREAT!" screamed Jane, the whole library looked at her and she quickly muttered an apology.

"But... as my oldest and only true friend, will you come and you know..."

"Of course! I'll go to the airport. Which and what time?"

"Tell you later. I need to get off the phone. Bye."

"See you!"

22 -- 23

"I'm, uh, currently out, so leave me a message and your number. Ciao!"

"FREDERICK JAMES WILLIAMSON ANSWER THE PHONE THIS INSTANT! YOUR BEST FRIEND AND ONLY FRIEND GOT ACCEPTED TO WORK IN PARIS, ISN'T THAT FABULOUS?! Seriously, I'm living my dream right now! Actually I'm already at my flat in Paris, so, this is my number in Paris. I moved in last week, but I couldn't reach you then. Umm... what else? Oh! Mother got an associate in here, she said that he'll take me on a tour. Isn't my life just... fall the way it is? Hang on, I got to--"

"Congratulations Jane Rebecca Clarke, was it necessary to scream? I knew my girl could nail it!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Come visit me please! I know the train ticket isn't cheap, but please if you got time, come and visit me. Miss you terribly, Fred. Hey, you know what? Your accent is a bit British to my American ears. What have you done to my redheaded best friend?"

"Hahaha, I promise, Jane. Look, I got to go... I have this... errand to run."

"Okay, au revoir!"

28 -- 29

YOU ARE INVITED TO

THE WEDDING

FREDERICK WILLIAMSON

TRACY JONES

The wedding will be held on June 16th 2011

The Plaza Hotel

13.00 until 20.00

"Are you in love?" asked the first person.

"Yeah."

"Have you ever fell in love?" the first person asked with such curiosity.

"Of course I've had! I am in love right now. How about you?" the second person answered.

"Yeah. Once." said the first person. This person's eyes gazed longingly at the darkened sky.

The second person looked at where the first person gazed. "With who?"

"Jane, I--"

"Don't, Fred." she said with a sad smile. "I'll live. It's your wedding day, please, enjoy it. For me. Please?"

Before Fred could answer, his new bride walked up to them and asked them with a cheery tone. "Hey, two of my favorite people in the whole world, what are you doing in here?"

Jane gazed at them with a smile on her face. "I just told him... if he ever hurt you, I'll kill him in his sleep."

Tracy laughed. "Well, I'm counting on that."

"Excusez-moi, my dears, I have to go back to my date." said Jane as she walked away.

"What was that all about, Fred?" asked Tracy to his husband, noticing his distressed look.

"Nothing, love, just... an old friend telling another secret of hers." answered Fred with an assuring tone.

"Go and get her, Fred, I won't mind. She looked odd."

Fred kissed the top of his wife's head and off with his feet. He asked the guests the whereabout of Jane, but nobody knew. As he saw her driving on the street, he quickly chased her as fast as possible. He could see her sad look and tears were streaming down her face. He could see Jane was trying to reach the stacks of tissue, she got distracted and then he heard the most excruciating sound ever. The crash of a sport sedan with a truck.

28 -- 29

JANE REBECCA CLARKE

15th June 1983 - 16th June 2011

"Jane, my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping but I shall go on living." said Fred as he stared at her tombstone.

Interviewing Freya Part II

2011-12-20T00:06:00.001+07:00

Interviewer: Can you tell us more about Erica, please?

Freya: (she sighs) Could you please elaborate your question?

Interviewer: For instance, did she feel a void in her heart?

Freya: (she looks up and forms a watery smile) Don't we all?

Interviewer: Yeah, but can you please tell us more? Describe her void, if it is possible?

Freya: (she sighs and looks away from the camera, her eyes stare longingly to the lake) I can, of course, I can describe it, because I bloody (censored) write it, but to put it on words, (she stares at the camera once and then back at the lake outside the window) to put it on words is just plain hard. It's like... (she stares at her manicured nails and looks away to the outdoor beauty) it's like that lake (she points out), you see, from the outside, it looks pretty, yeah? Like nothing ever hurt it, like a timeless flawless beauty that pinpoint on the Earth perpetually. A perpetual peace point. Something ethereal and eternal. A beauty. But... (she looks longingly at the lake that slowly passes by and disappears) you don't know what made that lake, you don't know what made that lake so beautiful, so ethereal, so... exquisite. You don't know what that lake had been through, like earthquakes, thunderstorms... it had been through hell, but you never know, because you see it as what it is now, nobody wants to know what kind of... misery that lake had been through. It's a lot like her. Erica... (she laughs bitterly) she had been in hell but came back alive, she was more badass than Constantine. She was a beauty. A tough one, mind you, not some plastic Barbie-wannabe from Hollywood land. (she stares at the scenery outside the car longingly)

Interviewer: You are saying her struggles not only made her tough but made her beautiful too?

Freya: (she stares at the camera, her eyes hollow, void of any emotions) Can't you see? She was already pretty, but nobody, and I mean, nobody (her eyes aflame) ever said that she was pretty or beautiful. Nobody ever made her feel like she was wanted. Like she was... a worthy person. She was a magnificent beauty, a state of the art.

Interviewer: Nobody ever told her she was pretty? Not even him?

Freya: That's the beauty of it. He tried, once, twice, hell, he always tried, but he never got the guts to do it, you know? He never got the guts to... just... say that she was beautiful, that she was pretty. (she looks at the camera soberly) This is a lesson for you men, if you like a lady, tell her that she is and always will be beautiful. That she is worthy. That she worth the time you spend with her. Or else... (she stops saying)

Interviewer: Or else what?

Freya: It's not for me to tell, it is for you to find out. You should watch the movie. But here's the thing though, even if people say that she was beautiful, if the people who she cared about did not say the same, then it's a lost cause. Besides, "fat, ugly, no good shit magnet" had already been planted in her head. Since she was a kid, nobody... nobody (censored) appreciated her. I mean... when you are a kid, a mere eight years old, you should be appreciated, you know, to built up your confidence and such, but nobody ever did that to her, all they ever told her was how "fat, ugly, no good shit magnet" she was.

Interviewer: How... poignant...

Freya: (nods her head furiously) It is. Very much. I must say, personally, this is the most honest work I've ever done.

Interviewer: How did she survive?

Freya: You should... watch the movie. (she looks at her hands on her lap and then back at the camera) Or read the book. (she looks at her and fidgets with her ACNE blouse)

Interviewer: I had a source who told me that you picked most of Erica's outfits?

Freya: (smiles at the camera genuinely and nodded) Yeah, I did. I almost overdoing it. (she smiles dashingly) I ordered ACNE, Weekday, COS and lots of others, but the others weren't as expensive as those four. (she shows the camera some pictures from her pocket camera)

Interviewer: Could you please describe her fashion sense?

Freya: Although she sometimes didn't want to admit it, (she smiles) she kinda liked the it-fashion trend that was popular in her time. She wore blouses, printed shirts, button-downs. She wore jeans most of the time, but sometimes, if she felt very confident, she wore shorts or nice dresses. There were times when (she sighs and looks thoughtfully at the building outside as the car passes by, she immediately looks back) she wore all black, when she wore sadness on her outfit. She branded that sadness. There's a quote that I like, she said... she said... "Black is the colour that keeps the darkest of secrets. It holds the most thoughtful memories, the most bizarre questions and the most unknown ideas. It holds someone life. It keeps the fractured nightmares. It's the colour of secrets."

(she shows a photo in her pocket camera)

Interviewer: Wow, that's... deep.
Freya: (she gives the interviewer, instead of the camera, a watery smile) That's what I love the most about her. She... (looks up at the ceiling of the car and then back at the camera with a huge confident smile) was such an enigmatic beauty.

Interviewer: Was she into fashion?

Freya: I say... in a way (she smiles genuinely) yeah.

Interviewer: Is there any more phrases that you like?
Freya: (she looks at her fingers, fidgets with her sheer golden blouse and then looks directly at the camera with a sad smile on her lips) "She felt chill on every inch of the surface of her body, it wasn't from the cold, she noted, it was from her utter profound loneliness", it's obviously from the book. I just... the book is perfect. Everything about Erica is.

(she shows a picture on her pocket camera, a picture that is being used as the cover of the book)

Interviewer: Last question, can you tell us if this book is actually a memoir?

Freya: (starts to cry and looks at the scenery outside the moving car) No comment (she sobs)

Interviewing Freya Part I

2011-12-18T23:03:00.001+07:00

Interviewer: Can you te-- look at the camera please!

Freya: Yeah, sorry. (she giggles) Continue please.

Interviewer: Can you tell us about your newest role?

Freya: (stares at the camera blankly, bites her lower plump lip and twirls a lock of brown hair in her finger) It's about a girl. Obviously. (she laughes) It's about a girl who... struggled. She found contentments in the weirdest places, som--

Interviewer: What sort of weird places?

Freya: Well... you know... weird... (she sighs) like songs, not the kind of songs that girls these days usually hear. More of, like, Nujabes, Nomak... Dela and such... not, you know, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and others... (she smiles) I suppose I shouldn't have told you about the songs, but you know... you can search about them. They are great, those three.

Interviewer: Will do. And the other? The other weird places?

Freya: (bites her lower lip) I don't know... I suppose... the forest? This girl liked to drive to the forest, you know. She liked to get lost in the forest with nothing but her iPod filled with Bon Iver songs and most of Ohbijou records.

She liked to daydream in the most peculiar places, like the religious places and on her father's garage while drinking her mother's homemade lemonade. She obviously wrote, a lot. (she smiles) She was kind of like me, but way... cooler and way tougher.

Interviewer: Why did she struggle?

Freya: (she laughs wholeheartedly, bats her eyelashes and twists a lock of her hair) Don't we all? You see, we all struggle, but her struggles were beautiful ones. The ones that were most memorable. She was a good girl, a great girl. She was a real girl. She handled life by her own, you know. Her parents (she laughs bitterly), her parents didn't recognize her talents, her parents obviously chose her brother over her. She was an outsider who had a lot of friends...

Interviewer: How so?

Freya: (she laughs) As much as she hated paradoxical things, she was living a paradox life. She was an outsider but was friend with the famous. She hated her life, you know the struggles, but she was tough because of that. She hated being lonely, but she couldn't help herself for finding contentment in being alone, because, you know, being alone sometimes can lead to loneliness. She was a living paradox.

Interviewer: You said that she was tough because she struggled, why so?

Freya: There's one favorite quote from a movie that I like, I'm a huge Drew Barrymore fan just so you know, she said in her movie, "What doesn't kill you makes you wanna die.". I guess (she sighs) in a way, this character, Erica, wanted to die, but nothing was strong enough to kill her. I mean, she was (she exhaled sharply), she was a tough one that girl. I've never played a character as strong as her, as... selfless as her. She made people happy and then disappeared from their lives.

Interviewer: Even from him? The leading male character?

Freya: Especially from him. She was, I guess in a way, typical girl. She thought herself as the most (censored) up girl in the whole world. At first, you think she's this ungrateful (censored) that hates her perfect life, but no, because you see the movie started from the beginning, from where it all began. From her childhood.

She was the typical eight years old girl, playing on the park you know, in the gardens, have tons of imaginations, adventurous. That was until people around her, mostly her childhood friends, hated her. Until the end of the movie, nobody, except her childhood friends, knew why they hated her. Her childhood friends were cruel to her, the things they did to her (she shudders) shouldn't be done to and from girls in early ages. That was why she (censored) up. You see, if people told you 'you are ugly' since you were just a kid, you had no option but to agreed, right? Because you think that you are since you were a kid, I mean... that's just (censored) up. Her mind set was 'I'm ugly and nobody will ever loves me'. That was why she... struggled.

Interviewer: So, what you are basically saying is, Erica is a good person?

Freya: Basically, yeah.

Interviewer: Okay... (she nods her head) we'll be back with our interview with Freya Moola on our next episode, keep watching "The Interview".

Luce

2011-12-17T20:40:00.001+07:00

She had a small smile dancing across her rosy lips.

A smile of knowing, understanding and, above all, loving. The smile was a façade, hiding her true and only feeling, the kind of feeling that a twentyfive years old woman shouldn't feel, suicidal feeling.

She knew, it was the only thing that she believed in, that it was her time. Not to die, she supposed, not to turn to the holy one, but to slowly fading away from her current existent to the next kind. To be another person entirely. Much like reincarnation, though she did not believe it wholeheartedly, but not quite, because she faded away from one identity and transformed into another one. She had to kill her current identity. Her time in their lives were done. She should be living another one right now, leaving Tya, her gypsy identity.

Sometimes it got hard, she supposed, because her identity sometimes could turn into her personality, her own self, but nothing mattered anymore. She was done with this life, not quite literally. She was tired of being someone that wasn't herself, but nobody knew the real her, she could make up a personality and call it as her own self. But no, it was time, she thought to herself.

That night, she started to packing up her things. She dyed her hair to her natural black hair, no longer the bleached blond gypsy. While waiting for her hair to dry, she turned on the music and swayed her body and cried. Her already blotted mascara and eyeliner made lucid treks down her cheeks, she kept brushing it away, making smudges across her cheek and near her temples. With her jet-black dyed hair, ruined mascara and black makeups across her face, she looked like a messed up Goth. She held nothing against Goth, after all she had been a Goth once, but she hated the way she looked, so she quickly cleaned her face and changed her attire from long see-through purple gown and knee-length nude dress to a pair of leggings and sweatshirt. She wanted to be comfortable in her own skin then, even if she currently didn't know who she was and what she was.

A soft knock on her door surprised her, she quickly covered her hair with a worn-looking towel and ran to the door. "Just a minute."

"It's me, Mumford."

"Yeah, I know." she gave a hearty laugh and opened the door.

To say that she was surprised to see Mumford wearing a jacket and a pair of jeans was an understatement. She had never seen anyone in the gathering wear anything resembled what he was wearing right now. "What... what are you wearing?"

He smirked. "What are you wearing?'

She smiled. "Answer for an answer, Mumford."

He raised his right hand and softly caressed her cheek. "I thought we are leaving tonight." he said softly.

"I... I..." she began to say. Tears streaming down to her cheek like her unheard voice, her unnoticed sadness.

"I knew it all along, Luce."

He wrapped himself around her, feeling her sobbed even more. "Sssh... I know. I've always known. You are my long lost love. I know. I almost fucking lost it when you said goodbye, when you said the most heartbreaking words I've ever fucking heard."

"What-- did I say?" she whispered.

He cleared his throat and hugged her even tighter, not letting her go, she buried her face even deeper to his chest. "You said... 'My time in your life is done.' That is the most fucked up thing I've ever heard, Luce. Don't ever fucking say that to me anymore. Promise me."

She continued to sob.

He rocked her gently and squeezed her. "Promise. Me."

"I promise."

"Say it."

"I love you."

He smiled. "Again."

"I love you."

"And again."

She giggled. "I love you."

"And...?"

She pulled back to see his face clearer. "I won't ever leave you?"

He smiled. "And I you."

Is It?

2011-12-04T13:40:00.000+07:00

Is it wrong to feel lonely in the middle of people?

Last night I attended an event with my friends, mostly girls, but there were testosterones attended the event too. The event was stacked with pretty people who wore pretty attires that resembled like those in the 60s and early 70s era, when the flare jeans, colorful button-down shirts, gypsy headbands and uncountable beaded-bracelets were the hippest things you could and should wear. Drawn-flowers and drawn-peace-signs were everywhere. Colourful lightnings, finger foods and hot drinks could be found everywhere.The weather was cold but nothing could prevent the smiles that were spreading like cheap perfumes under hot daylight. I watched people around me throwing their heads, swaying their hips, drawing their endless stock of cigarettes and jumping, at the same time the music never stopped playing.
It was then I felt it.
It was when I was in the middle of people, an unrecognizable song was blasting over the speaker, bright light was all around me and some of my friends were unrecognizable, I felt that I was lonely. My head was dizzy with the realization and revelation that I'm in here all alone. But being alone was nothing if you compare it with being lonely. The loneliness feeling was a full blow and with the cold weather, then I did nothing but plant a wide smile and a pair of eyes that twinkle.
And then it was time to slow dance, it made the loneliness intensified. But the kind of loneliness that intensified was only the one that caused by love, by affection, something that you feel when you don't have someone you share your love with, while the first one, it was profound, utter, inevitable feeling that first found in your gut, that caused that pang of void in your heart and soul, it was there, lying in the dark. It was what I felt. It was what I felt all night. It was something that I wish I could avoid. I have always felt that incurable loneliness feeling in the middle of people in an event. Do you sometimes feel that too?

Bored

2011-11-14T19:40:00.001+07:00

I.
Conflicting emotions, her feelings were always been conflicting emotions. Trapping, succumbing, each other in an endless of continuity. Her smiles were always been connected to the tears that fell from her twinkling infinite eyes. Her angers were always connected to the feeling of shame in her clouded mind.
There was nothing funny about being sad, nor was there something awful about laughing, but there she was, smiling and crying at the same time.

II.
you know how you can sometimes feel you are somewhere else when are you listening to particular song? That you are swept away to a series of non-stop memories in your head. A part of us, specifically our memories, were taken away and engulfed by the song, but we can only get them back when we listen to that song, it is a momentary solution of course, as the entire memories are buried deep inside our head with only the song that could trigger it to surface.

Battered

2011-11-11T12:52:00.001+07:00

Save me from myself, my soul is dying.
My battered soul is longing to be healed by the elegant hands of a blessed magnanimous soul.
My restless soul is worn out, the once benevolent is now waiting for the time when it's finally turn into a void, a dull nothingness in the middle of my blood-fueled flesh. Like a prey, my soul is sure that there will come time when a crow-like death does it job, to eat every inch and fiber of my soul slowly, bitterly, greedily, achingly until everything is consumed inside the endless depth of the pit of death's body.
On the inside, where noone else can see touch or hear, my body is trying to adjust its function as a roof, as the pillars of my body, my own dying soul, are gradually taken one by one. The depth of my despair can no longer be counted. My body is trying to keep my body inside, to stay stronger than my mortal body, helping me to survive the after life, but my soul, though it may seem ageless, is older than my physical being and is dying to be dead. As of now, my body is taking over the spiritual and mental problems, it tries to function normally without the help of my helpless soul.

"Hopeless." my body says. "Doing all of this is hopeless, taking care of myself and my soul at the same time is hopeless. I may be dying as well."
My soul only smiles, it knows that sooner or later my flesh know that it is dying too.
"I can no longer bear this." says my soul. "You should find someone to fill the broken part of me or I will cease to exist."
"But where?" asks my body, my brain, specifically. "I can't see anyone with an excess of soul."
My soul smiles again. "It doesn't have to be like that, find someone who has a hole in other places except his heart, because the valley of mine is null."
"Where?"
"In order to find someone that can mend me, you must see his soul, not his physical being. See it with me. Until that person comes, I'll try to survive, but be hurry, I can see death lurking in the dark side of the moon."

TRUTH.

2011-11-03T22:17:00.002+07:00

State Of Soul

2011-11-01T22:10:00.003+07:00

I wish I could tell you how easy my days went by. How the days of my teenage years went by as smooth as Hollywood actresses' hair. How there was no, in any terms available, bumpy or rough road that I passed by. But no, that would count as lying, as the days I went by were rough and tough.

Why?

Because the hole in my chest spread even larger everyday, slowly, but surely and there was no way back, as it spread like a malignant disease. I suppose this disease is one of the main problems the modern days have. Modern society, disregards underdeveloped countries, no longer have problems with physical diseases, no longer have problems with poverty, but instead we, as a new generation, developed diseases that no longer in the state of physical problem, but in the state of human mind. We use drugs as a way to escape our problems in our heads, just like human did in hundred years back. Our problems, nowadays, come from our heads, our own state of mind.

Loneliness, bitterness, feeling depressed, anxiety and all similar negative feelings came from, unfortunately, our own minds. We are the one who choose to be sad, the ones who choose to be depressed, we are our own enemy.

In addition to our often pessimistic way of seeing life, there is also what I called the illness of the society, the bitter rumors they spread. The society, who often bears negative view in seeing life, most of the times influence our minds. The society controls our minds. The society decides our decisions. Therefore, the society decides whether or not we are categorized acceptable in their high superiority they called as community. It is hard to accept the truth that the society controls our mind, that we don't have our own voices anymore.

My state of mind is bitter and cold. The state of my heart is devoid of any emotions. It is ugly how a society can turn a person into. How a society can deject a person who tries so hard to be accepted in the said community. That person is not me though, but it can be any of you out there, struggling to be accepted in a society who thinks that it doesn't need you.

There is nothing inside of me. Nothing.
My heart just does not exist.

In seeing other people, I'm an optimist, but in seeing myself, I'm a pessimist.

Zahira Part III

2011-11-01T21:22:00.000+07:00

"You're what?"
She giggled and started to walk. "You have an awful small range of vocab today. Bye."

The next day, she woke up with a yawn and dried tears on her cheeks. She quickly brushed her teeth and washed her face. Breakfast was out of the question that day, she wanted some tea instead.
"I need to get out of this town ASAP." she said to her kitchen's wall.
She had to tell a lie yesterday, she wasn't leaving for Paris, she was leaving for the big city, the Big Apple. Her reason was to mislead him, so that he thought that she was living la vida loca,

There was a knock on her door, she quickly ran to the front door and said, "I'll be moving out this weekend, sir."
She opened her door, it wasn't her landlord, it was him.
"What are you doing here?" she asked rudely.
"You are lying!" he shrieked. "You are leaving for New York!"
"So? I'm leaving all the same."
"But..."
"I'm leaving, end of story. There's no happiness for me in here and I doubt I'll have it no matter where I live."
"Would you just listen?"
"What? You want to mock me? I'm tired. Okay, there I said it, I'm so fucking tired." she admitted.
"No! You are--" he stopped and kissed her.
She pulled back. "The hell was that?"
"I love you."
"Beg your sorry ass' pardon?"
"I. LOVE. YOU."
"What? Why?"
"Haven't you noticed? Can't you tell?"
"How can I tell when all you've been doing is only teasing me?"
"I've always been there for you!"
"When? Yesterday? That's barely always."
"When they mocked you, I always defended you. Me. I was the guy that help you."
She closed her eyes and gasped. Scenes from her childhood played before her. He was there, he was always there. Sometimes mocking her, but he mocked her to made her better. If she wanted to be true to herself, which she currently was, he also had always been there, in her heart, hovering slightly behind the darkness pit of the void in her head.

She opened her eyes and saw his worried face, she kissed his worry away from his face. "I love you, too." she whispered.
"Don't leave." he pleaded.
"Never." she whispered back.

Zahira Part II

2011-10-26T20:04:00.002+07:00

She turned her head and gave his childhood friend (more like fiend, she thought) an award-winning smile. "My sister's finally a wife of someone she loves, why shouldn't I be?"
He nodded and sat next to her, "But why are you crying?"
"I'm not!" she exclaimed, but her eyes were stinging, begging to let the tears out.
He turned his head and looked at her right in the eyes, he brushed his thumbs to the corners of her eyes. That moment, tears fell from her eyes. He kept brushing away her tears.
"Don't cry..." he whispered.

She cried even more and instinctively hugged him, buried her head on his chest. He ran his hand to her head and to her half-clothed back, soothing her with the gesture. She cried herself out, tears from her eyes soaked his suit.
"It's okay." he said soothingly.
"It's not okay..." she said back.
"Why?" he asked, his hands were now firmly on her waist.
"I'm not pretty, I'm not anything, I'm not her." she said in between her sobs.
"Who says you are ugly?" he asked.
She laughed bitterly. "Like you don't know."
"Me?"
"No... them."
"Oh... but you are not ugly." he said.
"Noone has ever told me I'm not, it's okay. Don't try to convince me that I am, years of... those things, depending on myself, defending myself, standing on my own... I'm already convinced that I shall never be pretty." she said, pulling back from him. Her make up was still as flawless as it was before, no smudges. Thank God for waterproof mascara!

"How could you even say that? You are pretty. You are beautifull."
She laughed a bitter laugh. "But not as pretty as her, not as beautiful as her, not as mart, as accomplished, or as successful, or even just as nice as her. I know. It's always been like that and I don't think it will change, I'm a nobody, remember? Your friends always say that to me and you know what? I am."
"Are you nuts?"
"Now that's something new." she said with a smile.
"What?" he asked, confused.
"Thought so." she said and stood up.
"What? Where are you going?"
"I'm gonna pack my things, I'm moving out of my flat this weekend. I'm leaving for Paris."

Eight

2011-10-23T17:38:00.001+07:00

Since most of my nonexistent readers only know about my pains, here's a trivia about me.

1. Weird things you do when you are alone?
Talk to my imaginary boyfriend. Yes, dear world, I still have an imaginary friend. This nonexistent person serves as a nonexistent daily diary, sort of where I talk to when people that I usually talk to are missing.

2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
A lot. I'm not saying I changed to become a better person or a much worse person, but I'm saying that I changed. I became an even more complex person who likes complicated things. I had my ups and downs. But mostly, I became a person who is totally grateful for everything, who is completely blessed and protected. I also think that I'm half-independent (is there such thing?)

3. What kind of person attracts you?
They have to understand my quirks and traits and different perspective. They also have to understand my tendency to be alone in the middle of sea of people and my tendency to be weird, sometimes. They also have to understand my moody personality because I like to be happy one minute and the next I can become suicidal. They also have to have stories to tell everyday. I befriend with ladies who are not afraid to speak their minds, who are independent, who are not narcissistic and who don't climb on that social ladders. As for the men, they have to have seriously wide knowledge of every subjects, easy to talk to, real true gentlemen.

4. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
I'm proud to say that I'm single and content with it. God loves me all too much because God doesn't want me to have series of broken hearts that caused by wrong and failed relationships. God loves me all too much that God wants me to be happy alone and independent. It gets lonely sometimes, I know, but perhaps this loneliness will be totally and completely cured by someone someday. Perhaps God knows I'm not ready to have a serious relationship but God knows that I don't need fatal relationships that only led to heart aches. I also think that God wants me to focus on my study so that I can fulfill my dreams. God loves me all too much. I'm blessed.

5. 10 things about you people don't really expect.
I can annoy people if I want to. I can be a totally fierce bitch, if you cross me so watch out. I like songs that people usually don't listen to. I wanted to be a designer (be it architect, interior designer, etc.). I want to have a boutique someday. And my own apartment. Yes, my curly hair is real/natural. I don't have any fashion personality, I can be a goth one day and then be a cheerleader the next. I still have an imaginary friend. I like to dilly-dally things.

6. 10 ways to win your heart.
Desserts, I love desserts. Make a drawing for me. Take me as I am. Listen to my stories intently and respond. Listen to my ramblings. Read my stories. Try to like my taste of music. And try to not be mad if sometimes I can be a straight moody bitch. Respect me. Understand me.

7. A quote you live by.
"Veuillez veiller sur vos reves" which roughly translated as "Don't let your dreams fall asleep". It is a song actually, by John Banzaï and Les Nubians.

8. A Celebrity you share a birthday with.

That's all for today. Can you tell that I'm positively bored?

Zahira Part I

2011-10-17T19:37:00.000+07:00

She shone a smile to everyone. Her eyes twinkled beautifully, hearing people say things around her. She occasionally laughed when they laughed. Sometimes she also commented their gossips and talks, although from time to time she glanced around the room because she didn't know what they were talking or because she just didn't want to participate in the conversations. After her companions and her exchanged goodbyes, she went back to her own apartment. When she was safe within the brick walls of her loft, she broke down into tears. The tears streamed down fast and were hot to her cheeks, she laughed bitterly between sobs.

Tonight was the bachelorette party for her dear older sister and she was the pointed host. She decided the party was themed as scavenger's hunt because they went to one club to another, dancing until their feet hurt. The last place they visited las night was a 24-hours coffee shop and they talked their hearts out while sobering up with some coffee.

It all started with her sister's best friend spotted one of her childhood crush in the coffee shop and they all went frenzy. They talked about their childhood crushes but focused on her sister's love life, like ow fortunate and lucky her sister was for having a guy she always wanted to be with and how great her sister's love life was. She smiled to all of her sister's friends, looking somewhat knowingly and understandingly, when deep down inside her soul she felt sour throbbing ache.

She never had a boyfriend. She was in her early twenties and she never had one while her sister had her first and only boyfriend already had one when she was eight. She had never tasted any love, while her sister always had. She felt sick. She felt unloved.

After she gave away bitter laughs, she cleaned herself up, drank some water and dragged herself to bed.

She woke up after lunch with a bit headache here and there. She straightened herself up and went to the bathroom. When she finished dressing up, she went to her sofa in the living room. She stared at her furnitures and started to think about all of her sister's friends' comments last night.
"Your sister was the Prom Queen, the Homecoming Queen, and lots of other."
"He truly is her soulmate, she wanted him, he wanted her, she loves him, he loves her and now they are marrying each other."
"Hey! Don't talk like I'm not here, but it's true, he's my soulmate."
"Of course you both are soulmate, you finally be with each other legally. I mean... you've been with each other since when? Thirteen? What you both have is far more than love and magic."

She bit her lip. Her head was killing her, not because of physical pain, but her own mind. Her own mind was making her numb, she hated it. She cried again and wanted to scream her lungs out. Everything hurt her then. She wanted to cease to exist. She was by no means ugly, her cousins assured her that, but noone had ever called her pretty either. She was not the smartest girl of the school either, let alone her own age. She felt like she had no personal noticeable trademarks. She was normal noone, she could blend unnoticeable in the middle of the sea of people. Sometimes she used it as advantages, often she didn't think about it, but on occasions, especially right now, she felt like it was the most fucked up thing in the world.

Her sobs began to decrease. Her eyes gained clearer sight. Her throat was sore and there was a sickening feeling inside her nose. She sighed and went to the bathroom to splash some water on her face. She stared at her reflection on the bathroom mirror.
"My only true friend is my own reflection." she whispered.

The next day at her sister's reception, she sat at one of the chairs, watching people happily dancing with each other.
"Are you happy?" came a voice behind her.

Sweet Sweet Slumber

2011-10-17T16:55:00.001+07:00

Specks of light made their ways from the closed curtain, the light felt warm. I sighed while peeking from behind my covers, it was the sun. The light blended beautifully with the colour of my room, beige walls and dark brown furnitures. I sighed again and stretched my body. As I was gaining clearer sight, I noticed that the light was not yellow, it was orange. Was it really the sun? I peeked again to confirm the light really was from the sun. It was. This only meant... it was already afternoon. My eyes reflexively searched for the clock on my wall, it was already five p.m. Was I so tired that I overslept?

No, I said to myself while shaking my head. I was not tired. I was unhappy. I was lonely. I was unhappy, lonely and bitter. I did not care one bit about anything currently. Problems were weighting me, pushing me down to the point of oblivion, making me know nothing but sweet sweet slumber. I was lonely.

Blurry Figure

2011-10-13T13:23:00.000+07:00

You are always there, around, lurking in the shadow as a blurry figure.
You always been there actually.
People say you are mysterious and weird,
People say you are never here, but in actuality,
you are always here.
They really don't know how much effort you've always put in your life.

MR R

2011-09-26T00:13:00.004+07:00

No wonder you needed the hug. No wonder you always give me hugs every time we meet. No wonder.
You want to break it all down, don't you? You want to tell us everything, every single thing. I wonder if you come to me because you know I've been holding up those pain to like you, because you know I'm strong enough, like you.

You are too tough for your own good, you know?

Some said your soul is hollow, that your soul ache. I understand, trust me I do. Maybe my heart does not ache as much as yours, but I know how it feels like. How your heart aches for something that you want but you can't have. How your heart throbs when come in contact with sadness and grief. A sour feeling.

I know it aches. I know for the past ten years you've been yearning for love. I know you've been wanting to share that nothingness to someone. I know you want to hold on tight to someone who is brave enough and strong enough to bear all of those darkness.

You had been consumed by the darkness. You are the darkness now...

You are empty. Hollow. There is nothing inside you. What you are outside is a shell of something that was once inside. All of the overbearing pain consumed your soul slowly. Each time you got mentally hurt, pieces of your soul got taken away as you try to bear the pain. I know you tried to fight the darkness, I know you tried your best, but I know your best wasn't good enough, so the darkness won. The darkness took away your soul.

But thank God the remembrance of your soul is still there. The remembrance of something that once was is still there. The shell is as nice as you, or perhaps the you that I once knew when I was little. After all, the shell is a part of you. But I know... there is nothing inside that shell.

I know even if you finally release all of those pain to someone, someone who is strong enough, the person you once were is still not there. I really hope you can ease those pain away by telling it to me, some of them, reasons why the darkness love you so much, reasons why the light refused to help you. Just so you know, I understand. Whatever it is, I understand. I understand why you choose to close yourself up, instead of barring yourself to anyone, it's because you thought that nobody would understand, isn't it? It's also because you think no one would care, right? And it's because you think it's easier that way, isn't it? But I understand, I care and I know it's not easy.

You turned to false Gods, you still do. You worship them because you think they can take the hollowness away, but can't you see it's only a temporary solution? Can't you see that your false Gods only gave you more pain and sadness? Can't you see that your false Gods are actually demons?

If only I was old enough. If only I was of your age. If only we were close enough. If only I was tough enough. But I wasn't tough enough back then. I was just like you, only younger and less consumed by the darkness. We mirror each other, but I have solider ground while your ground was quicksand, swallowing you, instead of a solid ground. The help you are getting isn't from the people who want to pull you out, instead of the one who is slowly pushing you in, dragging you deeper to the land beneath. It isn't a rope you are seeing, but it's a stair to down below.

I want to pull you out, but I'm afraid you're too far away to hear me and you are too stubborn to let go. All I can do is only pray you don't go deeper. I know there is someone out there that can pull you out, that can bring you back to stand above the ground. I believe one day you will find that person. If you find that person, hold on tight. Don't let the person go. Because that person is the one who is strong enough to break all of the walls of the shell, that person is lively enough to fill those spaces with their own happiness, that person is kind enough to pull you to the ground. Embrace that person.

But until that person comes, please hold on strong and remember: you are still living and breathing right now because are the only person in this world that is strong enough to bear all of those pain.

Aku Juga

2011-09-22T19:34:00.001+07:00

"Aku ingin cinta yang mencintaiku apa adanya, aku ingin cinta yang mencintaiku dan aku pun mencintai dia, aku ingin cinta yang sejak detik pertama tahu bahwa akulah senyum pertama yang akan ia lihat setiap pagi. Aku ingin cinta yang merasa bahwa aku adalah dia, dia adalah aku. Aku ingin cinta yang membuatku merasa aku tak ada tanpa ada dia bersamaku. Aku ingin cinta yang membawa pergi semua keraguanku, ketakutanku. Aku ingin cinta yang menghapus kesepian ini dan akhirnya mengajariku senyum paling bahagia yang akan kuberikan untuknya setiap hari. Aku ingin cinta yang membuatku terus bersinar." -- I Ordered My Wife From The Universe

Aren't We All?

2011-09-18T21:40:00.001+07:00

Why do I feel so lonely?

The Hardest Of Hearts

2011-09-12T21:26:00.000+07:00

"If you ever tell a girl that she's lovely, beautiful, or pretty, she'll remember it for five minutes, but if you ever ever tell a girl that she's ugly, she'll remember it for the rest of her life and hold on to that statement."

How to tell if a girl is troubled? Look at her in the eyes, don't say anything and her walls would eventually fall and give you the truth about everything she is currently hiding, but if the walls wouldn't break down and she looked away, tell her you love her, will always be there for her and mean every words you just said. Tell her that, despite everything she's going through right now, you will always be there for her and care about her. Tell her to hold on strong. Tell her that her smile, her genuine smile, is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Tell her that she is one of the most beautiful women in the whole world. Tell her that, even though you don't know what she's going through right now, you will always support her, no matter how many mistakes she had made, no matter how many wrong choices she had chose, you will always support her. Tell her that she is one of the greatest people you've met. Tell her that, perhaps not to you but to someone, she means the world. Maybe she won't hear you, maybe she would deny everything, but convince her, convince her that she's worth it, that someone cares about her, that you care about her.

Tell her those things or you'll lose her, perhaps you won't see it, perhaps you feel like she's fine, like she's not troubled, but beyond her veils, her innocent-looking smiles, her laughs, her action, she hides everything, her pain, her vain, her sadness and most of all, that throbbing aching feeling on her chest. She could slip away from you, she could easily walk away from people's life. One day she's there and the next she's gone. Assure her that she belongs there, that everything she needs is right there and that she should stay there. Convince her. Make her stay there. Smile at her. Make her feel that she is worth it. Appreciate her.

Even though in the end you don't know what her problem is, but at least someone appreciates her, at least she's not alone. Maybe it's not her idea of happiness, but at least she feels content and she is convinced that someone thinks she is pretty, that at least there's one person appreciates of her being.

I write this to everyone. Don't let someone slips away. Hold them. Appreciate them. Their troubles don't worth of the pills they are taking. Their problems don't worth the skin they are cutting. They worth more. They worth more because they are the ones who are strong enough to bear the aching numbness in their chest. They deserve to live.

To all the people who lost their loved ones because of the mind troubles, to all the people who are currently bearing the craziness, hold on strong. I am one of them. My head is also killing me and I also feel like I'm a worthless piece of shit. Trust me, I know how it feels like. So please, before they make a jump, especially a literal one, tell them. Convince them. Assure them. Appreciate them. Because there's nothing hurt you in the head more than feeling like you are all alone.

Dearest Elaine,

2011-08-24T20:21:00.000+07:00

Do you remember when we went to England?
When we basked ourselves under the sunlight in the middle of breezy London afternoon?
When we ate fish and chips together on our way to Manchester?
When you insisted to meet the Queen?
When you almost drained all of our savings in every shops?
When we kissed under London Eye?
When we missed our train to Paris?
When you got fascinated by numerous of books in The British Library?
When I kissed your pout after you got soaked because of the unexpected rain?
When you squealed after I bought you a necklace that you wanted?
When I screamed 'I love you' and you screamed back?
Do you remember when we went to England for our honeymoon?

Happy 20th Anniversary,
Daniel

Interesting Conversations.

2011-08-22T21:56:00.001+07:00

I am officially a uni student as of last thursday. I've attended three classes for the past seventy two hours and frankly, uni isn't what I thought it would be. As opposed to giant classrooms with giant blackboards, my uni got medium-sized classrooms with whiteboards and projectors. And I still haven't got the "This is my campus" feeling, like I belong there, to any kind of community available. Perhaps it's too early to draw any assumptions, perhaps it's too early to guess, because after all... I've only been there for almost two weeks.
Anyhow, I found out that all of my lecturers that I've met have the same mind like mine, if not far greater. Thoughts that I've been thinking for a long time are gradually being sorted out by their great minds.

Here are some of the interesting lines:
"Tujuan semua ilmu pengetahuan? Untuk mencari dan menemukan kebenaran."
"Kalau kebenaran menyimpang akan terjadi kehancuran."
"Ilmu harus dipakai untuk kesejahteraan ras manusia."
"Kebenaran datang dari sejarah."
"Bisa tidak sama dengan boleh."
"Hidup ini banyak tawaran bukan pilihan."
"Kata sama, tetapi presepsi dan interpretasi setiap orang berbeda."
"Pikiran beda tetapi pemahaman sama."
"Waktu itu milik Tuhan."
"Kita secara ngga sadar sebenernya dandan untuk orang lain, untuk dilihat oleh orang lain."
"Kelakuan anda dilihat dari struktur sosial."
"Pendidikan Indonesia menyeragamkan pikiran semua orang, jadi ngga ada yang nyeleneh."

I especially agree to the one about Indonesia's education type as I've been agreeing to other negative comments about our education. It's not like I hate my education or dislike it with all my heart, but I feel like most of the subjects that we study of aren't quite necessary, we should study about things that we like personally, and we shouldn't be misled by any other unimportant studies in respect to our choice of subject in college/university. We shouldn't study about things that don't have any good in our future except to fulfill the thirst of our own knowledge. We should broaden our knowledge, not putting them in blocks of the same contents and feeding them to people. Our education curriculum is the opposite of what they have in the developed countries, they study specific things with a great depth, while we study many things but only small parts of them.

Recommendation #1

2011-08-20T23:43:00.001+07:00

Pablo Neruda

His works is one of the greatest works I've ever read. Mostly poetries, but they are hauntingly beautiful.

"Don't go far off, not even for a day,

because I don't know how to say it - a day is long

and I will be waiting for you, as in

an empty station when the trains are

parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because then

the little drops of anguish will all run together,

the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift

into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve

on the beach, may your eyelids never flutter

into the empty distance. Don't LEAVE me for

a second, my dearest, because in that moment you'll

have gone so far I'll wander mazily

over all the earth, asking, will you

come back? Will you leave me here, dying?"

"and that's why i have to go back

to so many places

there to find myself

and constantly examine myself

with no witness but the moon

and then whistle with joy,

ambling over rocks and clods of earth,

with no task but to live,

with no family but the road."

"Love.

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming

Flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring.

I have forgotten your face, I no longer

Remember your hands; how did your lips

Feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues

Drowsing in the parks, the white statues that

Have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice;

I have forgotten your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to

My vague memory of you. I live with pain

That is like a wound; if you touch me, you will

Make to me an irreperable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing

Vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to

Glimpse you in every window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of

Summer pain me; because of you, I again

Seek out the signs that precipitate desires:

Shooting stars, falling objects."

"I got lost in the night, without the light

of your eyelids, and when the night surrounded me

I was born again: I was the owner of my own darkness."

"so I wait for you like a lonely house

till you will see me again and live in me.

Till then my windows ache."

"But I love your feet

only because they walked

upon the earth and upon

the wind and upon the waters,

until they found me."

"my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping

but

I shall go on living."

"Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. "

Sebuah Pengakuan

2011-08-19T20:16:00.001+07:00

Dia menutup matanya, kemudian membuka kedua matanya. Menutup lagi. Membuka lagi. Menutup. Membuka.
"Ada apa, Sar?" tanyaku, menatapnya dengan penasaran.
Sarah tertawa. Tertawa dengan nikmat dan renyah. Tawanya menggema bukit-bukit. "Nggak ada apa-apa, Ray. Aku bosan." katanya.
Aku hanya mengangguk. "Kita bisa pergi kok kalo lo mau."
Dia menggelengkan kepalanya. "Ga usah, Ray."
Aku terdiam. Tidak mengerti kenapa dia memilih untuk diam disini kalau dia tau dia bosen. "Pindah aja yuk." ajakku.
"Ngga usah ah, enak disini. Adem." sebutnya. Kedua tangannya bergerak-gerak secara acak diatas udara.
Aku menyeringai. "Yaudah, kalo emang itu mau lo. Kedinginan gak?"
"Ngga kok." jawabnya.
Aku mengangguk. "Yaudah kalo lo kedinginan, bilang ya."
Dia mengangguk lucu.

Kami menatap pemandangan dalam diam. Pikiranku kemana-mana, tetapi berporos pada satu tema, pada satu sumber. Pikiranku melanglang buana seperti meteor-meteor yang bertubrukan dengan satu sama lain dari arah yang berbeda meskipun ujung-ujungnya menuju ke tempat yang sama. Pikiranku seperti aliran air di sungai-sungai, berasal dari mata air yang berbeda, tetapi menuju ke tempat yang sama, ke lautan biru lepas. Pikiranku selalu berujung-ujung ke dia. Sarah.
"Kenapa, Rayhan? Kok diem? Lagi mikirin apa?" katanya mengagetkanku.
"Ngga, ngga apa-apa. Lo kedinginan gak?" tanyaku dengan nada yang sedikit memaksa.
Dia tersenyum dan mengangguk. Aku melepaskan jaketku dan memberikan jaketku kepadanya. "Nih, pake aja."
"Makasih. Eh tapi kamu kedinginan gak? Ntar aku make eh kamu yang kedinginan, kan gak lucu." katanya.
Aku mengangguk. "Gak kok, pake aja. Gue kan udah biasa dingin."
Dia menjulurkan lidah. "Sok banget sih kamu. Mentang-mentang sempet tinggal di Aussie."
Aku tertawa ringan. "Nggak, bukan itu maksud gue, cuma kan emang gue sering tinggal di tempat dingin."
"Ih emangnya aku ngga? Aku kan sempet tinggal di Bogor, Rey."
"But that's besides the point, chikadee." kataku.
Dia cemberut. Lucu. "Ih. Rese."
Aku kembali tertawa. "Lo tuh yang rese, masa make jaket aja nggak mau, kalo lo sakit gimana?"
Dia terdiam. "Oh iya."
Aku semakin tertawa. Ketika aku sudah berhenti tertawa, aku tarik dia kepelukanku. "Gimana? Anget?"
Dia tersenyum malu dan mengangguk. Semakin lama aku peluk, semakin ia membenamkan badannya kepelukanku.
"Mau kemana abis ini, Sar?" tanyaku.
"Hmm... makan yuk? Kamu belom makan dari siang ya, Rey?" tanyanya.
"Mau makan dimana?"
Dia terdiam sejenak kemudian berkata, "Di rumah kamu aja yuk, Tante Risti ngga akan marah kan kalo aku nge-grecokin dapurnya?"
Aku tertawa, setelah bertahun-tahun mengenal keluargaku seperti keluarganya sendiri, ia masih malu-malu berada di keluargaku? Lucu. "Nggalah, lagian ngga usah masak juga lo udah ngeberantakin rumah gue."
"Ih jahat!" katanya sambil memukul tanganku dengan ringan.
Aku tertawa kembali. "Abis lo kalo ke rumah gue kayaknya segala macem dikeluarin, kayak anak TK aja."
"Ih tapi kan barang-barang di rumah lo emang seru, Ray." sangkalnya.
Aku tertawa. Lagi. Gampang banget dia membuatku tertawa. "Yaudah, jalan yuk sekarang."
Dia mengangguk kemudian berdiri. "Ayo."
Aku berdiri dan berjalan ke mobil dengannya.
"Gimana?" tanyaku.
"Gimana apanya?" tanyanya balik, dia terlihat benar-benar bingung.
"Mau gak?" tanyaku.
"Ih, bukannya emang udah?"
"Oh jadi selama ini..."
Dia terdiam. "Maksud kamu? Oh... aku salah ya, maaf deh."
"Nggak, nggak, maksud aku... aku kira... tapi bener kan? Mau kan."
"Iyalah." katanya dengan yakin.
"You sure you want to be my girl?"
"I thought I already am."
Aku tersenyum dan dia tersenyum balik.

One Of My Favorite Men

2011-08-15T00:04:00.001+07:00

Ever since I watched Sense and Sensibilities back in 2007, I understood what kind of men I prefer to be with. As much as I liked Edward Cullens, I prefer Edward Ferrars, but... of course, I've never fancied the idea of men like that, I prefer men like Colonel Brandon. A man. A man who let go the woman he loved for a man that he knew wasn't worthy of. A man that still saved her, knowing that she wouldn't return his feelings. A man that loved her. A man. A genuine man.
Of course he was mysterious.
and mostly silent.
and dark.
and secretly tough.
had a voice descended from heaven.
and of course played by Alan Rickman.

he's one of my favorite characters and definitely the type of guy I like. you know... mysterious, most of the time silent, likes to read, selfless and a right gentleman. Can someone please find me my own Colonel Brandon?

His Gem

2011-08-11T20:35:00.001+07:00

His voice vibrated the whole room. His rough, deep, velvety voice, but it travelled smoothly through the air. He had the most mesmerizing voice I ever heard of, he didn't have the soothing tone like those people on the radio had, but his tone was much better than that.
"I'd like to remind you all that today is the last day to submit your assignments by e-mail, but friday is the last day if you want to submit it by hardcopies. Yes, my dear students, I accept both, written and typed."he explained, when he spoke that, his eyes darting back and forth from one side of the class to the other.
"Miss Peter." he snapped, of all the names in this class, he picked mine.
"Yes, sir?" I replied.
"Stop daydreaming and meet me after class!" he demanded.
"Yes, sir." I said.

The whole lecture that day was long forgotten the minute he demanded to meet me and I was clearly nervous about what he was about to say. At the end of the lesson, I waited until the last fellow student went outside the room and walked up to him. He was sitting and clearing his desk for unnecessary things, I stayed silent until he finished.

"Ruby..." he said my name softly.
"Yes, sir?"
"Cut the 'sir' bullshit." he whispered.
"What is it, Mark?" I asked.
He finally looked up at me, his hands were clasped in front of his face and his face looked defeated. "What's up with you today?"
I gave him a smile, a shy smile. "Nothing, Mark, just a bit distracted today."
"I know... I noticed. Your sister asked me to look after you in here, but I can't do it if you don't open up to me." he sighed.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
He motioned me to sit next to him. "Share with me. Please?"
My eyes looked at everywhere but him, I was afraid he would judge me. "I... guess... um... I want to... well... I'm in love."
I could feel his eyes bore into me, his body went rigid. "Who?" he asked.
I looked at him questioningly, "Why are you asking?"
"I just want to know..." he said, his tone went softer.
"Why? Why do you want to know?" I asked.
"Just cause..." he answered.
"Because you want to be another protective sibling, is that it?" I asked. I was angry. I couldn't believe my sister's childhood friend would be as protective as a real brother, who was he? If I wanted to date someone, I shouldn't ask him for permission, right? How dare he?
"No, of course not!"
"Then why is it?"
"Just because!"
"Because my dear lovely sister, the one you've been in love with since God knows when, asked you?" I yelled. I shouldn't be yelling at my own teacher, but he had crossed the line.
"No!" he yelled back.
"Then why? You want to be my over-protective future brother-in-law, isn't it?" I yelled again. "Because you want to gain trust from my sister, huh? I don't want to answer any of your questions anymore unless it has something to do with your lecture. Good day, sir."

Before I could stand, his hand gripped my wrist. "Just tell me who the fuck he is!" he demanded.
I gaped at him and pulled my wrist back to my side. "That, sir, is none of your concern."
"It is, goddamn it." he screamed.
"Why?" I hissed.
"I can't tell you!"
"Then neither can I." I replied coldly.
He sighed. "Answer for an answer?"
A few moments went by as I considered his offer. "Yes. We'll go together."
He nodded and we counted together.

"Because I love you." "That guy is you."

In One Of The Rarest Occasions.

2011-08-09T21:45:00.000+07:00

Tonight's theme is based on loneliness, or actually the opposite of it.
love.
and everything that revolves around it.

Basic First.
I've always attracted to people who prefer being silent or taciturn. Definitely mysterious and no cheap talks. Someone I could argue with from time to time, about the simplest, most unimportant things, the kind of arguments that would last only for awhile, arguments about things that shouldn't be argue about, like "what kind of ice creams we should be having after dinner", or, taken from one of my favorite movies, "whether the pyramids were majestic or magnificent". Someone who I can share everything with and make no judgements whatsoever about it, only smile thoughtfully and laugh occasionally. Someone who can soothes me, can chase away the demons in my head and ease away both physical and mental. I don't need Mr. Perfect, nor do I need Prince Charming... only normal people with abnormal gifts, like... knowing if my smiles today are genuine or fake or the mix of it, hugging me when he knows I need it, sending me chocolates when I feel like the whole world is ending, bringing me foods when I don't even know I want it, giving me pecks on my forehead when I feel like I'm the ugliest person in the world... simple little things, I know, but it means the most. Don't get me wrong, I do want those candlelight dinners, but just not everyday, I want simple blessings daily, not some giant givings annually.
I know those things I'm talking about are delusional thoughts, but I'm willing to wait, not wait for him, mind you, but wait for the chance, fate, destiny to meet him and fight for him. I know I should get real, face the fact that the kind of guy like that is hardly exist nowadays.

People told me, some implicitly and the others unexpectedly explicit, that I am special. That I don't have to go through all of those unworthy relationships and I would find that special someone to be married with. That brief relationships aren't for me. Of course it's all true. I don't want brief, unworthy, short-lived relationships. I won't last any of those probably. I don't want too serious relationships, God knows I am not really ready for that kind of relationships, but I don't want some childish relationships either.

Marriage Kind.
I still not know yet what kind of guy that I would marry. I know what they are supposed to do--and perhaps what I supposed to do--, but I don't know what they would look like. I know he has to have the same faith and religion with me, I know he has to be responsible, I know he has to be more mature than me, but those are personalities and qualifications, aren't those?

Rules And Regulations.
Seeing many crazy relationships and many damaged marriages making me insane myself. I know marriage is not only based on love and mutual attraction, but it also based on everything else, such as commitments to one another (in whichever kind there is), offsprings' genetic material, faith with each other, bearing responsibilities with each other, and others... something logical but based on feelings.

I know I'm too young for talking about marriage, but these kinds are the kinds I've been observing for the past seventeen years. I want a relationship that would stand still no matter how strong the hurricanes strike through it, that would stay as it is (if not become greater), not crumbling into pieces or falling apart.
Naïve I know, but can't I hope? I've watched too many falls, I don't want any of them, I don't.

I Should Tattoo It In My Head

2011-08-09T19:42:00.000+07:00

One of my dearest and closest friend once pointed me a fact about me that I didn't even realize until then, she stated I always go through self-induced wars in my head, that I always argue with myself in my head and well, it is true I guess. I always debate myself, about everything, that's why sometimes I tend to dilly-dallying all of my options. It does not really matter which one that wins in the end, because they are all based on my thinkings. It's all in my head.

Talking about head, or brain for you people that like technical term, I just had a revelation about it and everything that's related to it, including those coincidence madness and the hovering void on my chest. My friend, my dear dear smart-ass MIT-worth friend, told me that brain is a magnificent exquisite thing, an enigma that even us, who use it, can't decode.

I asked him about the coincidence that could not stop, I pointed out few facts, shocking facts, but he took it as if we were talking about the weather. He said that brain worked in a weird way, he said that those coincidence are only in my head, I confront him that the things that I always encountered things that I like everywhere and he just told me "What about when you don't see those things?" it's hardly a coincidence at all, or perhaps there's no such thing as coincidence, just fate misnamed. To come and think about it, I've always counted out the times when I think about something and it didn't happen or present itself in front of me.
I also told him about the mirrored numbers I see when I look at the time. He said that the brain can count internally, it has personal clock, so when I want to see the mirrored numbers, like 13:13, I will see it, even if I don't consciously want to see it. I believe that, while I don't want to see it, but deep inside, in my head, in my subconscious, I really want to see it.

As I understand it more and more, I begin to realize that it's all in my head. If I don't think about it much often, I realize that it will all go away. And that everything around me really revolves in circle. If I pay attention to every single details, it shouldn't be much of a shocking news, because deep inside I knew that one thing always relates to everything else. I only exaggerate things... perhaps. I don't even know anymore.

the term "my head is killing me" can't be truer than right now.

Things that are currently in my mind

2011-08-05T15:01:00.003+07:00

a. This overwhelming mental pain is slowly and excuciatingly consuming my physical state, not only this, loneliness also adds its charming venom to the solution, making a one way ticket to the sweet embrace of deep slumber
b. I've always claimed myself as a non Mary Sue girl, like the leading female character of the recently famous vampire saga. But that's the problem. As days gone by, i doubt myself even more. I used to think that I'm strong but lately, I feel like all of those mental bricks have been broken down by a strong force.
c. When my soul was crumbling after attacks of verbal insults and physical tortures, I built fortress from those fragile pieces.
d. Hiding isnt necessary
e. I need to write some happiness
f. I want to break all of this down to one person

I Can't Function Anymore

2011-07-29T19:26:00.000+07:00

Songs

2011-07-26T16:09:00.006+07:00

Song that I would like to play on my wedding:

Songs that make me feel like I'm devastated, but entertaining nonetheless:

Songs that make me feel like I belong in another lifetime:

Songs from my favorite albums:

Songs from my childhood that I would never get tired of:

Pieces Of Me, Belong To You

2011-07-22T21:39:00.001+07:00

Riley rolled down her window with one hand while driving the car with the other. The scenery around her was just beautiful. Endless rows of trees and beyond was mountains, fog was spreading in the area like a malignant disease and the sky darkened, the petrichor could be smell distinctively. The path she was taking was paved and led her to him. She was driving to meet him. Yes, Riley was driving to meet Hunter. Her friend, her boyfriend, her lover, her best friend... she could call him by other names, but none as deep as her a piece of her.

She reminisced about the past she had with him. They started out as friends, as simple as a start in relationship can be. They fought with each other, a lot, about topics that didn't worth to fight with, but they did and at the end of the day they forgave each other, knowing that the fights valued less than their relationship, whatever relationship they currently had. They were not exactly the same match, her being the all-star basketball athlete in her school and him being the mood-ruiner in his, but somehow, with all of those differences, they found each other and completed each other, perfectly. They filled the gaps of the other by just simply being there, they filled each others' loneliness and body-numbing ache near their hearts.

Of course, fate twisted the reality and shoved them apart, as apart as two people could be when they were away from each other as far as three hours drive. They knew there was no such thing as happy endings, that was why they accepted the idea of being too far from each other and they tried to be easy to be contacted as possible. Of course, it failed. With so many tutors, classes, homeworks and projects they both had, it was hard to communicate each other, they occasionally meet through the internet provided by the webcam and internet connection, but they did not do anything other than that, except for seasonal holiday, they did not meet each other physically. But they knew that they should hold on to each other, because they were the perfect, perfect match. Being far apart was not much of a problem for Riley if she wanted to be true to herself, it made her easier to focus on her study to get a degree on law. But the past did not matter to her anymore, all that matter was the present.

She finally arrived to her destination and quickly got out of her car. The first thing she noticed was the beautiful smell of the freshly mown grass that came in contact with the rain, petrichor. She stretched her arms freely, driving to this place was one hell of a job, but she liked it all the same. Looking around her observingly out of habit, she quickly ran to where she knew he would be with a smile in front of her face. There he was, she kept approaching and approaching until she was next to him and sat down. She smiled while rolling a ring in her finger.
"It is one hell of a drive to this place, isn't it? But I don't complain, at least I get to see you as the prize. Anyway, I'm thrilled that I finally graduated. Aren't you proud to have me as a lawyer? I'm finding my own apartment now because my mother would disown me if I don't find one, I'm going to go around the town next week, I hope I'd find one and cheap. Kat is due two days from now, how cool is that? I finally have a nephew or... perhaps a niece. I think the baby would have long black hair and small lips, with dimples, like its parents."

three years earlier.
"Yes, Riley, I would be there soon. I'm just gonna check my tyre for awhile, okay?" said Hunter over the phone as he walked inside one of the stores in his hometown. A jewelry store.
"Okay, okay, see you later, love." he said and put down his phone.
"Good afternoon, Hunter." said an elderly man behind showcases full of rings. "Are you going to pick the ring today?"
"Hello. Yes, please. Have you engraved them?" said Hunter politely.
"Of course. Wait her for a moment." the elderly man then walked into a room and then quickly emerged outside while holding a box. The elderly man put the box on the glass showcase and opened the box. Inside the box was a beautiful simple ring with a diamond on top of it.
Hunter picked up the ring and examined the inside of the ring. It got the word "forever" engraved inside the ring. It was perfect. Hunter nodded absentmindedly, put it inside the box and walked outside the store while muttering "Thanks."
Hunter quickly got inside the car and drove to where he should meet her. He was smiling through the journey while holding the box in his hand. When he arrived, he could see she was already sitting on long garden chair that overlooked the mountains and the forests beyond. He approached her, running as fast as he can.
He closed her eyes by clasping both of his hands in her face. "Guess who?" he whispered.
"A dumb burglar who is closing my eyes and asking me "Guess who?". Of course I know it you, Hunter. Who else would it be. I would always be you." she said.
He smiled and removed his hands. "How are you?"
Riley smiled and hugged him. "Better."
He chuckled. "I got a present."
"Really? What is it?"
"You got to pulled out from me to know."
"All right." she pulled herself from him and he gave her a box.
"What's this?" she asked while opening the box.
"You'll see."
She gasped when she saw what was inside the box. A ring. A beautiful ring. "Is this what I think this is?"
"Yes. Will you be Mrs. Hunter?" he asked.
"YES! OF COURSE I WOULD." she screamed and hugged him tightly. As if he would be gone if she didn't.

"Hunter... someone told me that I should move out of this country, I know she meant well, but I just... I just couldn't be apart from you. I just don't." she said while rubbing her eyes. "I know you won't leave me, but I just... couldn't. You are... everything. I love you too much to let you go, you know that, right?"

They both walked hand in hand to his car. He drove with one hand and holding hers with another. She couldn't stop smiling. She was just too happy for the fact that she was going to be his wife. His. Perfectly his.
"I mean... what do they know about us?"

She kissed his cheek, but captured his lips instead and she quickly giggled. He smiled at her.
"What we have is... irreplaceable."

He pulled back from her, but it was too late and they both greeted by a sudden bright light.

"I know you are... gone, but I still have pieces of you inside me. They said if they look at me, they would see you. I always know you would guard me and you are guarding me by donating your eyes to me. And I just couldn't... I just couldn't..." she cried, tears streaming down her face like waterfall.

All of those times, she wanted him to answer, but he didn't. He couldn't. A stone tomb couldn't answer her.

Endlessly

2011-07-19T14:15:00.003+07:00

To be profoundly, basically, essentially, endlessly happy.

That is the goal of all of us. Some find happiness by own such power to other people they think lesser than them. Some find happiness by discovering love. Some find happiness by being the smartest person on Earth and invent unimaginable things. Some find happiness by just simply reading a great novel while sipping some brewed tea. And others... they find happiness in the most imaginative ways possible, ways that normal people, who find happiness in love, power, money and intelligence, would think negative on; some in being pleasured and some others... are twisted and illogical, but not undoable.

It is what we seek for.

To be happy.

Something that last for a long time, forever if possible. Something that could not be taken away from you easily. Something that could not be dismissed easily. Something that do not confused with pleased feeling. Something that would stay there, through the throbbing aches, pass the hurricanes of pains, surpass the thunders of loss, diminish the floods of griefs, disparage earthquakes of emptiness and lessen the loneliness. Something that is sturdy enough to bear all of the negative emotions.

Something called happiness.

Benevolent Faeries

2011-07-18T22:18:00.004+07:00

Loss. a word that would mean different altogether if the last two letters replaced with another letters. Love. Loath. Lost. The small difference and easily change words can be reflected upon other matters as well. They connected to each other easily and by a simple twist of fate. The edges of each would blur and make a bridge to relate both worlds, as an example: happiness and sadness, they are both, terrifyingly so, close to each other that they could swap each other without us knowing, like a change of day and night.

The Middle East -- Lonely

Hollow aching fucking pain in my chest would not go away. As a matter of fact, it intensifies, if it possible, to become something even stronger. I hate how this void still ache. It aches for the familiarity of inevitable loss. It is not easy to describe it, but it is terrible. It feels like I've felt all of those figurative and literal loss before, so when I see someone who loses something—in most cases someone— so precious to them, this emptiness would be in a profound sorrow phase. They say the feeling is usual to human, it is usual for us to feel this pang of nothingness in our chest, but how to make it go a away? How to fill them? How to bury them away? I've tried but failed miserably, because it cannot be hidden. It feels as if I've been in that position before. It hurts, because I could not do anything about it. It hurts, because... no amount of tea, words I write, mind-numbing songs that eventually loss its meaning could mend. The feeling when someone leaves you for a long time, the feeling when you are lonely, the feeling when you can't be together with someone... they are all too familiar to me, caused me a great deal of stomach lurching nothingness.

It would remind me, in the middle of my activity, or when I'm just about to go to bed. that is why I prefer to sleep very late at night, because I've exhausted my brain enough to make it function as primal as possible, to let me devour some sweet nothings of dreams; but I would wake up late in the morning too, as I want to forget all of those things that can't be forgotten and cure things that can't be heal. Sleeping acts as my sanctuary, as my savior after a long day fight and it would take me away from the harsh reality to the welcoming embrace of faux refugee. It provides false safety.

As I Love You

2011-07-09T02:38:00.000+07:00

We were walking out of the restaurant, hand-in-hand, we just ate our dinners with our colleagues and she was still a bit angry because of her full-of-demands boss, when we decided to take a walk first before driving-- it was better to talk and walk rather than just sit and talk, she always said, and I always agreed on what she said.

It was winter, so she walked literally arm-to-arm with me, she hated the cold, but I loved them, so she put up with it because I promise I would always be there for her. She talked about her boss that was better than her previous one, but much more demanding, and besides, she pointed out, the job paid her more than enough. Also, she was busier than her previous job (not busy enough to ignore me, though) and her colleagues are much more bearable than the previous ones; her new job was, in a lack of better term, exciting. And the fact that her office was in the same building with mine was a plus.

Her body shivered all of the sudden, so I drew her even closer to my body, now her head was on my shoulder and my right hand was on her arm. We talked some more, about my boss, her colleagues and just talking. It was what I loved when I was with her, we could just talk for hours and would never lose topics. And her knowledge was broad. She was everything that I've ever wanted, needed and loved. She was more than my everything.

Her eyes suddenly glittered when she spotted something and I looked at where her direction went. It was a coffee shop. The place was vintage-looking, something that she loved, she quickly ran inside the place and ordered something for me and her. After a few minutes outside the cafe, I was suddenly cold, but when I was going to come inside the cafe, she emerged outside it with two coffees. When she handed me one and I took a sip, it was not a coffee, it was a hot chocolate.

"You, little angel, did you just purposely make me drink a hot chocolate?" asked me, I was never near mad at her, I was just making a scene.

"Sorry, Brian." she pouted but her tone was not near apologetic one.

I switched our beverages and held her hand. "I do believe this is mine." I said, more to her hand rather than to the beverage. She giggled like those teenagers in the romantic movies she always insisted me to watch. I loved, still and always do, her giggles. I love her.

"Brian... why do you love me?" she asked as if she was asking how the weather was.

"I love you because you are you. You don't pretend like other women do. You are happy of who you are." I said simply. Truth in one sentence.

She nodded and smiled. "Thank you. Means a lot."

"You, Alice, mean more than a lot to me." I said.

She slapped my arm lightly and then went back to hold mine. "I didn't mean you of course."

I smiled. I knew that of course. "I would literally do anything for you."

She smiled. She knew. "Could you give me some examples?"

"I would scream 'I love Alice' right now. I would drive you back to the house if you fell asleep during a movie that I choose. I would bring you food when you are hungry, or make some even though you know that I could burn a salad. I would drive you everywhere you want. I would let you eat my food if you are still hungry. I would kiss away the knife-sliced scars. I would remind you to check your tires. I would remind you to eat the vegetables. I would remind you to go to the dentist. I would take you out to dinners and let you eat the most expensive ones. I will always love you. I love you. I love you." I said while kissed her forehead.

She smiled and giggled. She always did after every kisses, even after the thousandth times. "I love you, Mr. Newton."

I pulled her into a hug. "As I love you, Mrs. Newton."

Embracing The Holiday

2011-07-08T23:32:00.001+07:00

Beforehand, I would like to thank people that made thoughts-numbing songs as a replacement for chocolates, I would not name those bands, but for whatever reasons they made those songs, thank you. Those songs help me and always been there for me. Thank you.

Credit to the holiday, days began to crumble and eventually merged together making dates unacceptable for my current condition. As much as I love being away from school, this holiday is the longest I’ve had in my life because I’m going to go to Uni soon. I would rather have something to bother me in long-term condition, although, I’d appreciate if the subjects are something serious like school stuffs, I do not like being very idle and have nothing to do. Things that I shouldn’t think about, I think constantly. I go through self-induced war in my head, deciding which one is right and which one is wrong, the same thing always happen everyday and the right would turn into wrong as well as the wrong would turn into right.

There is no point arguing with myself as those are my own thoughts, they are bound to bounce into each other, what I do mind is that the fact that things that I’ve been avoiding come through my mind in the middle of the day, or right after I wake up. As I’ve predicted before, the coincidence never stopped, they just come and go whenever they pleased, some would rather go very intense and very bold as the others would just merely tickles in the back of my head.

Sometimes in the day, I would prefer some mind-numbing songs and songs in languages I don’t understand to set my mind at ease. I’d prefer to hear some nonsense, rather than to hear lyrics that the singers sing so greatly they become legend. It is easier that way. It is easier to cope that way.

Loneliness is a friend that you couldn’t, no matter how hard and long you try, brush off. They would always be there like stain marks, like scars, like rainy days in the middle of summer, like scratches on wood table, they are reminder of things are never as permanent as they looked like or as they hoped for. Certainly, loneliness grows powerful in the terms of holiday. Friends kept me from being alone, but when they left, all I can feel is this terrible ache of loneliness. “alone is curable, loneliness isn’t.”

I would keep songs playing all days, my speaker would repeat the same words that spoken by the same singers, just to make me think of them as some vague resemblance of salvation to help get out of things that are currently in my mind.

[julie.lansom]

Sentences.

2011-06-26T00:05:00.000+07:00

Anticipation and expectation only lead to ultimate desperation
This bloody emptiness is throbbing to be filled
Presence is more than just being there
I know I'm speaking madness, but here's the thing, this void in my heart ache to be filled and throbbing. It is aching for abnormality, such as: pain for the loss one, the lost ones, the ones say goodbyes too fast and the lonely ones. It's throbbing. Throbbing. Throbbing.
Like those radars they have in submarines, my void throb when it contact with loss
I'm, for the time being, seeing, wanting and longing for comfort from something familiar. something that could cover the void temporarily. Something that could decrease the feeling of discomfortness.
Being alone is curable but loneliness is not.
I guess, at some point, this throbbing madness and void are what one would call loneliness
Aimlessly searching for what one would normally call home, I seek refuges and sanctuaries in the wrong places, or rather in places that don't provide things that I'm finding. It's not home actually, it's something that, in my opinion, would give me peace and content. Yes, I do need adventures/ups&downs in my life, but within those thrills I would like to have something that would bring me closer to the ground

Series Of Alphabets

2011-06-25T01:47:00.000+07:00

a. from my observations, as for the past week I avoided the internet therefore nothing to entertain me besides my iPod and my notebook, and from the movie Malice In Wonderland, I really believe that everything, not only the Earth and other things in the space, move in circle. everything would be the same as they were in the first time, not perfectly similar, but nonetheless the same.

b. music, in my opinion, do things to you. they are like your own personal drugs. some will make you high like illegal drugs, some will cure you like medicines, some will make you sleepy like morphines, some will make you cope with the truth, and some are merely placebos. also, some music, I realize, could make you feel like you're in another place, another time, belong to another moment and even another being.

c. can I call things coincidence with each other if I see them constantly? but I know that, the way the world collides together so that unrelated events could be together is only possible by the act of God

d. I also realize that I would often come across circumstances that would force me to be content with solitude and loneliness. to be content with myself. it isn't easy, mind you, but I could pass it like it is the most natural thing in the world.

~~e. I miss him.~~

[dennis auburn]

Lightning voice

2011-06-13T23:27:00.001+07:00

I could've used some smiles, some genuine smiles. I could've used some laughs, real laughs. I could've used some hugs, giant cuddly hugs. I could've used some reassuring words that everything going to be okay. I could've used some love

I know it's all gone now... threw away to the wind like it was nothing but simplest form of dusts gathered from the lonely library. but they left scars in my mind that nobody can heal. I put some veil around it so that people won't notice and it would heal by itself, unfortunately the scar couldn't heal. For all I remember, the pain is still there, stinging. All these times I've only been cover it all up with some happiness with hints of pain.

it is both fortunate and unfortunate having covered most of my emotions. fortunate, because I would appear stronger and tougher to people around me, to appear like I'm a warrior, a soldier, a young woman with heart made of diamond-covered steel, a strong, independent young woman. however, it is unfortunate because people could not know my real feelings are, for all they know I am happy all the time, of course there are times when I couldn't handle everything at once so I broke down a little, and I never experienced pain before in my life. also, they would not know the "real" me unless they ask, and they never do. but it does not mean that my feelings aren't real. most of them are, especially the negative ones.

I know I'm being selfish for wanting the attentions, but I can't help it because all these times I've been focusing all of my attention to everybody else. I want to be selfish sometimes, to want what I want, not just what I need, I know I can't do that.

I am an unheard voice.
I am an unseen lightning.

One of my dear friends shocked when she found out what I've been feeling these past 12 years. what I've been experiencing. mostly she shocked about my "being unloved" feeling. unloved is something I feel everyday. but what is love anyway? love is still abstract emotion in my mind, so both being loved and unloved are still trying to solve themselves.

but I could use some affections. I could use some attentions. I could use some genuine smiles. I could use some real happiness. I could use some bliss. I know it would be nice to feel wanted.

21st of May 2011

2011-06-13T20:25:00.000+07:00

I always wonder about the strangers in the street or in one of my favorite cafés, especially people who are on their own. I wonder about their jobs, what they are doing and why they are alone. It gives me wonder and sometimes a splash of hope that somewhere, there's a same person like me, a person that bears the same wonder with me, a person that looks like an out of place weirdo like me and for awhile, a thought of someone that might understand comforts me.

As I see an elder caucasian woman, probably around my grandmother's age, alone sitting there with her almost empty drink, I begin to have the feeling to getting to know her personally. Why in the world she is alone? Why is she alone in this faux heaven? She doesn't look like she's completely out of place, she's like one of those people in the movie that belongs in the background, she blends in with the scenery. She's wearing a light grey wool top. I know that she's thirsty and tired because she drinks her coffee very quickly.

When my mother and her friends are all cheering up about something, she smiles. I don't know the cause of the smile is because she had those happy-go-lucky years or if she did not have. In great movies, where the heroes are normal people who eat alone in the cafés, their friends will come and save them from loneliness, but in reality, it saddens me to tell you that the elder woman leaves alone.

Recovering Phase 1

2011-06-12T19:52:00.000+07:00

I think my existence is a big mind-shocking coincidence. Not most of the people understand the term coincidence itself, let alone be the part of it. I always find myself sitting there and see many coincidences going on around me. The coincidences, more often than not, are mentally tiring. I would connect the dots between one coincidences into the other. It's like jigsaws that when each time I thought I would see the whole meaning, turns into bigger jigsaws that confuse me even more. Of course, because all of those crazy things always going on around me, I already consider seeing those things everyday is a daily thing.

A coincidence that I did not see it coming is my Lomography cameras. When Lomography cameras are few of the things that are happening, I bought two of those cameras, I liked photography and always do. Suffice it to say, I'm in love with both. Guess the colour of the cameras? Yep, one is a YELLOW fisheye and the other is BLUE supersampler. Remember that I like Sweden? What's the colour of their flag again? Yes, blue and yellow. I bought those cameras long before I like Sweden. Although... I've always like the colour yellow and blue, just never put the two and two together until quite recently...

Oh did I mention Q magazines review Take That's new album sounds like they've watched too much Doctor Who and got influenced from Swedish singer Robyn?

t r u s t

2011-05-30T01:47:00.002+07:00

this is a topic I've been wanting to write about in this blog since quite a while, and because a person who would like to remain anonymous thinks that I have a trust issue, also because I watched So I Married An Axe Murderer earlier today, so I conclude today would be the day I finally write about t r u s t.

personally, I think trust means when you believe in someone (or, in some cases, something) entirely. purely. a basic form of belief. something or someone that you could depend on solely with your mind, heart and soul. firm reliance on a subject that would lead you to another form that logic could reject. trust is something that you gain from someone and offer to someone, it cannot be bargained. trust is something primal and instinctive.

maybe it's because I was raised differently and I encountered twist of events that made me this way, I don't trust people easily or rather, I have levels of trust that I give away to people. for example, I trust my biology teacher to teach me about digestive system, but I don't trust him to teach me German; I trust my driver to drive me to places but I don't trust him to teach me how to create an element like Tony Stark; I trust my parents and my brother basically on everything; I trust a taxi driver to drive me around in Jakarta, but I don't trust him to drive a plane and move me to Sweden. those are basic, simple and logical. trust is basic, simple and logical. something that's right in your head, based on reality and you believe in the reality they presented to you, is another form of trust.

unknowingly, everyday we give our trust to people around us. we give them away to shop assistants, to seller, to random people in the street, to our maids, to our driver, to newscaster, to reporters, to journalists, to chefs, to cleaning ladies, to the police, to the law and even to the government. we give the parts of us everyday without realizing our act of trust to those people. those parts are the primal, basic, instinctive part that have always been there since the first human ever walk on Earth. trust is something that we are not supposed to give away easily except to God. something that you should hold on to.

"trust is like a mirror, once it's broken you can never look at it the same way again."

I don't know if you call this trust issue but I can't seem to really, entirely, with my heart, 100% trust anyone yet. I have not yet found a person that I could count on completely, that I could rely on wholly. I know someday I will, someday I will find that person that I will trust. because for all I know, people that I used to trust ended up using me or making me regret for giving them my trust. it's like when I started to trust them, they show me why I shouldn't. so can you say it's entirely my fault for having this trust issue? can you say my problem with trusting people come from me, not the one that made me like that? the one that misused my trust?

trust is a simple, base, primal, instinctive, individual action. sometimes misleading, often misused. hard to gain easy to lose. but I'm not saying I don't trust anyone, I'm just saying... I've been hurt a lot times in the past and it is hard to believe in someone's words. after all, from what I've learned for the past 17 years of my life, I found out that being wrong has a plus side, it gives you that feeling of knowing the right one, that things people do are mostly lead to readable path that I've been before.

[missmoss]

Crystal Clear

2011-05-28T01:05:00.004+07:00

do you know how they say that high school years are one of the best years of our lives, or possibly the only best years of our lives? well, I sure do and I agree with it. I don't want to sound corny and cheesy and a bit immature-ish but I know that the statement is true. it doesn't take a genius to figure out that high school was the best, fun, energetic, full-of-happiness, unforgettable, irreplaceable, thoughtful, thrilled-filled, drama-fuelled years. the years were filled with unexpected encounters, broken relationships, bad grades and most importantly family bonding. yes, I call all those nutheads, especially my international classmates, my family or, in a lack of better words, my best friends.

friends are the one who help you stand up when you fall, but best friends laugh at you, start running and say "Come on you, nutter, catch us."
friends are the one who bail you out of jail, but best friends are the one who inside the next cell saying "Shit, let's do that again."
friends are the one who say mean things in your back, but best friends are the one who tell you the truth in your face and let you cry on their shoulders.
friends are the one who smiles with you in pictures, but best friends are the one who make funny faces, so that you'd laugh and mess up the picture, in front of you while you're taking those pictures.
friends will tell you you're pretty in those dress, but best friends are the one who tell you that you look ugly and should go to the party wearing a garbage disposal bag instead and then they would punch you in the arm while laughing and saying "Just kidding honey, you look fantastic."
friends are the one who tell you that you've been stabbed in the back, but best friends are the one who pull out that knife and stab the person who stabbed you.
friends are the one who sit with you in the cafetaria, but best friends are the one that sneak into your back and start a food fight.

I've made tons of friends when I was in high school, but I also made few best friends and a group of family. I can't believe how lucky and blessed I am being that person with so many people around her that would cheer her up anytime anywhere anywheather like my best friends did earlier.
I was in a middle of a "crisis", it was quite a bit of self-struggle problem and four of my best friends cheered me up. they were all "we love you, we are here for you.", "be strong, Dil.", "be tough!!!", "if you need us, we'll be here" and even one of my best male friend gave me one of those emoticon hug through blackberry messenger chat. I am blessed. they all care for me, they all love me, entirely, deeply and I feel like those love are enough for now.

one of my female friends said that our group of tightly-bonded best-friends filled the void in her heart. that got me quite a thought. because based on my feelings and what I feel in my heart, which is a void, I named my tumblr voidinmyheart as it was a beautiful sentence and an inevitable truth. I wondered what filled this heart and after a few minutes I thought... they filled my void, not completely mind you because there was still that empty feeling I get when I see sad things a.k.a lypophrenia. they filled my void with happiness, laughter, unforgettable, irreplaceable moments that would bring back tears into my eyes if I reminisce about it all right now. don't get me talk about greatest moment I've ever experienced with them, because I would answer all of them and tell those moments to you. but if you ask me which one was memorable, I'd answer Singapore EduTrip. because those moments were the one when I felt like a childish juvenile or mature kid. because I was forced to be responsible of myself and things I that I had bought & brought but I also had to learn and had to enjoy each moments.

I must admit this to you: I could not survived without them

Faux Heaven.

2011-05-25T19:44:00.003+07:00

As I sit here, couple thousand metres (possibly twenty thousands, but can't seem to be sure), my mind wanders around. About how boats and ships look so small up here. How strange this country. One part heaven, one part hell. But then again, you can't be good if there's no evil to contrast you, right?
I like the sea. Some people like the beach but I prefer the sea. The sea is calming. One of places I go if I want to feel some kind of sanctuary. A person, who I believe will choose to remain anonymous, likes the beach, he said he prefers beaches than mountains and forests. But I of course prefer mountains and forests. Those calming feeling you get when you are in the forests... just perfect. Better than beaches certainly. And comes first before oceans.

Earlier, I thought that we already set fly above the sea, but apparently I was wrong. I could see a mountain, standing proud between the forests. It was as if a solid reminder of something that God made. I don't know if the mountain is very tall, but it was surrounded by the clouds. white puffy clouds. soon after I enjoyed the view, I was mesmerized by the beautiful white clouds. Really puffy. Like one of those clouds that you could see in movies. I can't thank God enough for giving me the gift of sight seeing. The clouds were undoubtedly beautiful. It was like faux heaven.

ps: the photo above is mine.

Morning

2011-05-05T09:55:00.001+07:00

call me indie, call me hipsters, call me whateverthefuck you like, but I am, and always will, in love with the rain. maybe you could've guessed it from my previous posts. it's raining now with occasional thunders. and it's still almost 10 in the morning, how great is that? I like morning rain, late night rain and afternoon rain. I don't want this rain to end just yet. personally, raindrops is the best fragrance I've ever smell. I've always fond of the rainy days.
acoustic songs are playing on my iTunes, Re: Stacks is the best song for rainy days. and I catch a smell from the past. instant time machine. the past had long gone but still left some scars on my mind.
and as corny as it may seemed, the rain stopped when the song ended ♥

Run Away, She Did.

2011-05-03T22:14:00.000+07:00

I once knew a girl who was very sad and grumpy all the time. she never truly smiled, only occasional grin here and there, but never actually smiled. she liked to hurt people with her words and her actions. she often got into a fight with people, not only with girls of her age but also boys and sometimes teachers. nobody wanted to be friends with her. she could only sat on the bench alone with her lunch, looked like she was angry. over the time, she reinvented herself and became approachable and nice-looking, she treated people really well and looked like she was smiling all the time. but do you know what? the girl with the biggest smile holds the biggest pain and everyone who doesn't dare to ask her what's wrong are the person that will be lost forever.

I don't think everything is her fault, not most of them anyway. who knew that she became that way because of her life that she did not dare to tell anyone to? that she hided pain behind all of those angry outer feature? that she did not want anyone to knew that she was broken? that she was just trying to survive?

people say being physically abused hurt you the most, well guess what? being mentally abused hurts you too. hurts you even more than physical abuse. being mentally abused leave scar on your mind that could be triggered one day eventhough you think that you had buried them. the brain is something that we don't understand and very complicated, and we don't know if our actions will have any influence to it. we don't know if things that people do to us will be stored in our brain in which section, maybe some sad stories will be assigned to the deepest part of our minds so that when one day if something triggered those sad things to be unlocked, our real selves will be shown to the world. who knows?

that was what happened to her. she locked all of her emotions into one tiny bit in herself and when something triggered it to opened, she would be on rage and be her own self. she's been putting up walls and masks all of these times, looked like she was okay and such but the truth was, she wasn't. she was not okay she was not smiling. it was only an act of survival that she learnt by herself from time to time. people asked her why she didn't open up to people easily, she would only laugh and jumped into another conversation. the reason why she didn't open up to people easily was because that she never thought that anyone would be worthy. she tried and tried to opened up herself to people around her, but do you know what they did to her? they didn't want to hear those things, they were busy with things that weren't as much important. those things that they did hurt her more than things that those girls and boys did when she was little. when she needed a shoulder to lean on, she had none. well, maybe she didn't need a shoulder to lean on, she need someone to lean with. someone that she could share with. someone with a mind like hers. she found one. the one that said that they are a perfect match. but do you know what that person did? that person betrayed her, lied to her and left her. all alone. that was the reason why she refused to talk about herself to anyone. the reason why she didn't talk deeply with anyone.

people thought that they knew here and loved her. but nobody really knew here, nobody except one that is. another person, she thought. another person that she thought she could share with but then gone. people that she cared about had the tendency to be so far away, out of reach, left her alone or all of those three. she tried to connect with people emotionally but she couldn't fully connect with anyone. many people tried to bond with her, but they were too late and she couldn't help it if she couldn't connect with them. and with that, she tried to run away.

and run away she did. she had suffered enough.

[Clair Alice Young]

The Modesty of Being Wrong

2011-05-01T17:40:00.000+07:00

two shocking news in a matter of less than 24 hours slapped me in the face when I was on vacation. both of them were the least expected news. the first news made me speechless but the second news made my mind go numb. I don't really care about the first news, as for the second news, I really want to find that person and kill him.
to tell you the truth, the first news didn't really bother me at all, not now anyway, it was some kind of misunderstood in his part and I greatly understand it. I won't say names, but I know deep down inside that person knows it was only a misunderstood feeling. misunderstood and misleading.
about the second news... this made my mind went numb for the whole one and half hours. I turned off my phone in order to save its battery and to avoid news. I went to a cafe, ordered a hot cuppa and sipped some and read my Kafka On The Shore book. even though the book is greatly entertaining and not-shockingly contains great quotes&life lessons, my mind still wandered around, tried to gripped some sense of reality but I couldn't. my hands were cold and I started to get sore throat, side effect of the news? probably so. the news was heartbreaking, mind numbing, sickening, tiring and making me hopeless. I bid farewell to that person or... maybe, I have bid that person goodbye since a couple of weeks ago. such a vague, unpredictable human, I don't mind the unpredictable, but the vague... it's like this person is still lingering somewhere but didn't care to show up like a grown up, remain hidden but almost look like visible. I don't know what this person intention is, hurting me like that. if this person tell me the truth, I wouldn't have act that way, I would gladly accepted the news, but I heard it from someone else and that made me feel like I'm betrayed. but for all the right reasons, whatever happens is the only thing that could have.

Be

2011-04-24T21:32:00.000+07:00

take me away. take me away.
dear world, take me away.
kidnap me to the deepest part of your ocean
to the darkest part of your sky
and to the farthest part of the forest.
let me be.
alone.
together
with the Mother Nature.
surrounded by nothing but the Earth.
let me be. take me.
I'm an old soul that's searching for home.
I'm a lost mind that's searching for a sanctuary.
a place to be.
where art thou, home?
where art thou, sanctuary?
I am here. I am here. take me. take me.

Feel Like Crap

2011-04-24T21:21:00.000+07:00

Glad And Bad

2011-03-26T20:50:00.000+07:00

God shows us weird choices and paths that lead to even weirder destiny. does that make sense to you? if it isn't, I'm sorry. it's just astonishing how perplexed things are and complex. very complex. I know if it's easier or less complicated, life would be downright boring and dull. it's fun, I guess, at some points when you don't need to think well, it's great to have people's fate crossovers with yours. but right now... I feel like I better feel numb than wandering around the whole world with people's life paths connected to mine. I can't get over the fact that this world is just so small that you can connect yourself to someone famous as easy as you flip your hand. and how people around you can have similarities with people that they don't even know exist.

I keep turning on and off my phone for no specific reason. maybe I'm looking for a reason why I still turning on my phone & turning on the phone service. I still wondering why I'm counting on this gadget. it's just unusual of me. I keep listening to songs that I don't know what they mean but feel right in my ears. I'm turning into someone I don't know. I eat less everyday and after I ate, I always felt nausea. I sleep less and restless every night. my eyes look like they need to rest for an eternity, but I can't. I'm turning into someone I don't understand. it's very unusual for me. I don't know if this is the hormones that are running through my body that are talking but I feel this way currently.
hold that thought. I don't feel anything today. happy. sad. or maybe it's just glad and bad. please take me home.

[flickr]

Static

2011-03-25T21:52:00.002+07:00

I was surprised last night by how some things stay in a total constant state and still going to be like that in many years ahead. I couldn't rest last night, so I got my mind occupied with things that aren't quite necessary or even looked like those were slightly bit more important than my upcoming exams. those thoughts weren't. they were things that I caught running in circle motion everytime I got a chance to rest. and last night was some sort of a realization, a small rock thrown up to my head, a voice ringing right inside my brain, whispered things that made me feel like I bounced back into reality.

I thought of how things would never change and they never did since many years ago. like some pinpoint of substances in life. they just shaking thoroughly, they, however, did not change. I realized that when I was listening to one of the songs that helped me moved on with my life back when I was in 9th grade. the music still felt the same, still had that hint of feeling I had toward ----, it still tasted the same, the sometimes pitched notes, the extra details of the vocalists (like grunts or unconscious inhales)... they're still there. they don't move a bit, the lyrics didn't feel different, that feeling you get when you close your eyes and you get to see the moments in front of you didn't change. they were still the same. they really amazed me. I like to have something that I could count on and music is one of those things. you still would have a total music euphoria three solid years ago with someone that you really loved and still feel the same right now even though you both are separated. it's the absolute constant thing, music is. although you can found things that you didn't notice before in the song, like... the lyrics aren't like what you always thought they were.

oh but how fragrance can be so static too. how those small complex compounds that you learn in chemistry class would bond together in such way that made them very hard to stay away to. fragrance, though, with a little mix with wrong substance, would change into something entirely different. it isn't as constant and as static as music, but fragrance still brought me sense of surprise that they made me feel like I was in a specific moment long time ago; like the smell of my cousin's perfume remind me of our trip together from Bandung to Jakarta and the smell of my friends' house hasn't changed since the last decade and the smell of Bandung's cold morning.

I still can recall the moments I made when the songs were blasting through the speakers, I still can tell what I did when I smell Baskin Robbins' Jamoca Almond Fudge came in contact with my cousin's perfume. it's all recallable. I still can feel the shift movements of the trees when I hear a certain song. I'm really grateful of how God made things so complicated and cannot be changed for a reason or more. it's only God's act so make us feel like those are our own time machines.

till another post.

[flickr]

Priorities

2011-03-16T18:13:00.001+07:00

would you believe me if I say I don't want to be here any longer? that my whole physical body is in here, but my psychological and my mind aren't? and that the whole time people explaining things to me, only the selected few that are still in my mind? those unrelated-to-what-we-are-going-to-do-in-our-lives studies only stay in my mind when they are needed, like exams or quizzes, other than that, the only thing that's going on in my mind is how to survive and occasional thinking and digesting informations, other than that... it's nothing, like space of vacuum. but there's this hovering feeling in my head, that feel like I'm not supposed to be here.

I don't want to be here any longer and I know I'm not supposed to be here. that my existence in here is just a mere mistake, a small honest mistake. maybe I'm an old soul that got trapped in a young woman's body or maybe I'm preserving this body until the real soul that owns this body come. because as this body grow older, I feel more and more uncomfortable and there's this feeling in the edge of my mind that this is not the place where I meant to have a life, that this place only a temporary post, temporary location. I do not know if this is only feeling that you're meant to have when you're growing up, but most of my friends don't confronted the same feelings that I have right now. growing up is confusing.

currently, I can't decide on my priorities. I'm supposed to be studying right now, but I'm in front of my computer. the reason why I can't decide on my priorities? it is because I'm nobody's priorities

[muzenscen]

Menurutmu?

2011-03-02T21:22:00.000+07:00

"Menurutmu? Mengapa aku begini? Seperti daun yang terbang ketika ada angin datang dan diam ketika angin menghilang?"

"Aku tidak tahu. Aku tidak tahu."

"Menurutmu? Mengapa aku begini? Seperti seorang anjing pengendus yang tidak memiliki hidung yang berfungsi normal, memiliki mata tetapi kehilangan satu-satunya indera yang bekerja dengan baik?"

"Aku mengerti. Aku mengerti."

"Oh ya? Seperti seorang ibu mengerti anaknya yang sedang melahirkan?"

"Tidak. Tidak seperti itu."

"Jadi? Maksudmu?"

"Aku mengerti kamu, bukan mengerti penderitaanmu."

"Bagaimana kamu mengerti aku ketika aku tidak mengerti diriku sendiri? Bagaimana seseorang mencintai orang yang lain ketika orang tersebut tidak mencintai dirimu sendiri?"

"Aku mengenalmu. Aku kenal seorang Lucinda. Lucinda-ku."

"Aku bukan Lucinda yang kamu kenal. Lucinda yang itu adalah kepribadianku yang lain, Lucinda yang itu adalah seseorang yang datang ketika aku tidak ingin dikenal oleh orang lain. Aku yang sekarang tidak bernama, tidak memiliki pembeda. Aku adalah aku. Kepribadianku berubah-ubah. Lucinda hanyalah karakter yang aku buat."

"Lalu selama ini siapa yang aku kenal?"

"Kamu tidak kenal siapa-siapa."

"Mengapa bisa begitu?"

"Menurutmu? Selama ini Lucinda selalu berperan, padahal dia bukan siapa-siapa, dia tidak berkarakter. Dia hanyalah seseorang yang aku jadikan perisai, dia tidak memiliki karakter apapun, aku menjadikan dia apapun yang aku inginkan. Selama ini kamu mencintai seseorang yang tidak ada."

"Jadi kamu siapa?"

"Aku adalah angin. Aku adalah sinar dipagi hari. Aku adalah malam gelap tanpa bintang. Aku adalah ikan di laut. Aku adalah wangi kayu dipagi hari. Aku adalah kabut di gunung. Aku adalah pasir di pantai. Aku adalah aku, dan kamu tidak bisa beritahu siapa aku harus menjadi."

"Apakah kamu akan pergi dan meninggalkanku?"

"Tanya kepada dirimu sendiri, apakah aku pernah disini?"

[miniminiature]

How Truth Changes Shape

2011-03-01T23:46:00.000+07:00

maybe it is because people hurt me too much and for numerous of times with each time got more intense, so when I got hurt, I put thicker walls around me to protect me if there's a sudden attack from the outside world, like those fort blankets you used to built when you were kid, it was a place where you felt so safe, the only place, although these walls are thicker and tougher and hard to break. I cried today. it was the first time I cried in front of people, in public, the first time I felt so small and tired and thin... and most of all... fragile. I always feel so tough, you know. tougher than any of the girls that I know and I think I still do, it was the only weakest point that I let people see. I cried on the inside you see... meaning that I cried, but I do it when I'm alone.

I feel so xxxxxxx and tired. you would say that I brag too much or just so fvcking ungrateful, but really... I do feel that way. I mean how can you feel grateful when you had opened your veil and told the whole world your pain and showed the whole world the weakest point of you, and still the world doesn't even see you with the corners of their eyes. it's like they just don't care. any bit. not even a single bit. single pixel-looking bit. no no no, the whole world chose to close their eyes and open them when they need it. the whole world still thinks that I'm not even in their goddamnTop Ten Priorities list. I'm tired. take me home now.

[sietske73]

Updates

2011-02-28T23:45:00.000+07:00

I miss you. I don't know who you are but I miss you. terribly do.
I've been trying to post things, but this damn blog won't work.
I'll write as soon as possible.
by the way, I'm getting these:

[abuelinthegoldenage] [olivebites]

Amusing

2011-02-15T20:06:00.000+07:00

"que pasa?"
I'm good. I'm terrifically good. fantastically good. wait. scratch that. I'd be lying. I'm not good. I'm not terrifically good. I'm not fantastically good. I feel like a sandstorm hit my veins or a blizzard strikes through my lungs, or occasional meteor shower in my head. I feel lifeless, helpless, tired and lost.

sleep is more like something to finish the day off--and start the day-- rather than as a relieve, because I get to sleep for only 4-6 hours each day. I feel like a dead rat that is moving in current of the river, because I can't feel anything but people move around me, I'm getting somewhere but I'm aimless too, I know I'm going somewhere, but I don't know where I'm going, or rather, I'm just moving to the end of the river and by then I'd probably know where I'm going.

I'm still trying to find someone that could and would help me, when I'm alone, I feel like nobody would love me and nobody could bear me and nobody would care, but as I go out with my friends, laugh with them, I feel like I don't have any pain at all, no sadness whatsoever and I feel like someone out there could hold me still, however, the feeling doesn't last, the hunch doesn't last, because as I become alone, once again, I realized that nobody could and would and should. I shouldn't be like this.

X: Define being alone.
Y: It's when you're with nobody but your own thoughts.
Y: or when you're in sea of people but you feel like there's nobody.

Morpheus

2011-02-05T22:17:00.000+07:00

I live in the dark land beyond the path of the sun. it is neither bright nor dark. it is neither sunny nor cloudy. it is neither beautiful nor sad. you cannot tell morning or night and wrong or right. it just as it is. you can set the time on your own. it is backward as it is also forward. it is upright as it is downright. I'm like Alice, because when everything is nonsense, nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't and everything that isn't what it is would be what it is. people have different sets of eyes here, more often their lefts are different from their rights. they are all beautiful. they have mermaid hair. most of them are tall and lean but there are some that are tall and skinny. the women have nails that could change colour, they depends on the mood, most of the women usually have red and pink nails (red and pink are the colour of love and happiness, respectively) although sometimes the women have nude nails. they all wear white dresses, like those you see in Greece God and Goddess. they are all identically smart, because they are all telepathic, so when they discover something, they will automatically share the information and all isn't lost. they reproduce identical children. but I am the exception, because my mother and father were cursed when I was born. but I am not like Harry Potter nor am I like Neo, I am not the chosen one. I am the ugly duckling who live in the beautiful white swan world. I'm not supposed to be here.

[Lauren Treece]

Next Chapter: Despair.

2011-01-29T09:38:00.001+07:00

I.
"I never tasted love you know…"
"All of my loved ones are either gone or didn't love me back…"
"Let me rephrase that, all of my loved ones didn't love me back, so noone… ever love me."

II.
"I was born with sadness. And grief. When I was supposed to grow, I was forced to survive mentally. When I was supposed to laugh, I was dealing with how to conceal tears in public. When I was supposed to have a childhood, I was learning how to fake a smile."

III.
"People say I'm strong not to easily cry like that. But the truth is… I do cry. At night, in the dark with nothing but my music on. People say I'm strong, but I'm not… it's years of practice and it's like… riding a bicycle for some people, it's in the muscle memory. People say I'm tough, but the truth is that I only conceal things better than most of the girls of my age."
"I was supposed to have fun you know… but… I didn't. I was busy surviving from mental abuse…"

IV.
"I know you may think I'm ungrateful. I know you may think I don't consider myself as a blessed person, but it is what it is. I know I sometimes bragged about how unloved I am, it's not because I want to seek attention from all of you so that you all can tell me that you love me, which is a straightforward lie, but I do feel unloved. I feel like people are pushing me and hating my guts. I mean, how can you feel you're worthy or you're smart and have a great personality if you feel unloved by all? All I know is that people care about me, but caring for someone else doesn't mean that you love that person, it just mean that you're a nice person."
"I mean… for years and years I lived with great sorrow, so when people say that they love me, I don't believe them, because I believe that they are lying."

V.
"I'm not smart. I'm not pretty. I'm not anything. I'm like one of those unpopular girls that can only be seen in the cafeteria in Mean Girl, I'm like one of those customers in The Plaza Hotel in Home Alone… I'm noone. Noone ever appreciate me, noone ever thanked God that I existed, noone ever grateful that I was there. Nobody ever feel like I'm beautiful or great or smart or even just… nice."
"And when I was surviving, I was doing it alone. With noone by my side. When I cried, nobody comforted me, when I was doing difficult things, nobody helped me… so I learned to depend on myself, not with anyone. Because those people, who I thought could help me, didn't want to know my problems at all. So I was trained by the nature to survive alone."

VI.
"When girls of my age were trying to be famous and perfect and have boyfriends and be those girls that boys talked about, I can only be that girl in the corner of the room, that looked so happy because her friends are happy, but inside I'm falling apart. I wasn't pretty, I wasn't smart, I wasn't attractive enough… I was weird. I still am. I was weird, odd-looking, fat, and unloved and so moody. I couldn't control myself, I mad at people easily… because one of the things that kept me survived was being angry. I know it's wrong. I know it's not right to be mad… but I don't know what else to do, because I had no guidance, I had noone that could hug me in times when I couldn't handle things on my own."

VII.
"I know people must have think that I'm wrong doing this. Complaining when I should be thankful. But I'm not complaining here, I'm telling a story, about a girl who survived alone. So should I rotten and die? Oh, have I told you about a void in my heart?"

Limited.

2011-01-15T20:09:00.000+07:00

You’re in love.
You’re in love with him.
Yes. Him. A body that bears great personalities and wicked mind, a soul that holds up so many ideas and unimaginable things. A person. An adorable person.
He’s not perfect. No. No. We all know he isn’t. He has flaws. Beautiful flaws like those traces of magenta stains on the lace tablecloth or like the cold feeling of the ocean in the morning. He’s beautiful in his own way.
Actually, you aren’t either. You are only a human being, who is far from perfect. But the result of you to collided together will become somewhat beautiful or lovely, like you always to say to him.

Your first meeting with him, oddly enough, filled with speeches and words and awkwardness. You weren’t there for the speech contest, you were supporting your best friends and your then-boyfriend, so was him, he was there for his then-girlfriend. At first sight, you thought he was like one of those boys in your school, who have very limited amount of knowledge, because, frankly, he does look like one. His then-girlfriend suprisingly won the competition, she was smart after all, but it didn’t look like she could beat your then-boyfriend, but she did. Your then-boyfriend met you at the backstage where all of the contestants were pouring over her, congratulate her. You knew then that she was your then-boyfriend childhood friend, so he introduced you and her and also her then-boyfriend. You sulked on your journey home. How could your then-boyfriend failed to mention about that?

You broke up with your then-boyfriend after thousands seconds of thinking that he wasn’t worth the time and the fights, your relationship with your then-boyfriend wasn’t great after all. Months later, you found yourself happy. Content with your own. You were alone, but you didn’t think that you were lonely. You met him again. Your now boyfriend. You met him at your favorite library that holds vintage books. You were strolling in science-fiction section, the only section where all of the books were still hold in place, when you saw him reading 2001: A Space Odyssey. You squealed. Not because you know him, but because you were looking everywhere for that book.

“Um, excuse me, are you going to borrow that book or are you going to read it here.” you asked.
“Here.” he said coldly.
You waited for him to give you the book, but he seemed to keep reading it. “So… you are going to read it in here, right?”
He nodded lightly and you left him alone.

You strolled around another section. Romance. By the looked of the books there, they are quite like Jane Austen met Nicholas Sparks. You loved and adored Jane Austen, but you couldn’t seem to read any of the books there because what you wanted was 2001: A Space Odyssey. You randomly pick a book and read it in the huge washed-pink velvet sofa at the intersection of Fantasy and Horror. Far end of the sofa was an eldery woman reading Twilight book, you didn’t even know how can an eldery woman knew about Twilight and why the Twilight book was in this library on the first place. You didn’t mind. She was a good company, you thought.

As you reached the page twenty of the book, you realized that the book is good after all. The book was about a girl who murder someone when she was young and turned out he was her future husband that travelled back in time. It was actually good, you thought. It was a mix of romance and thriller and horror and science-fiction. You loved science fiction and still do.

You didn’t realize that you spent three hours in that library until you heard your stomach growled. You were hungry. One of human’s basic needs. You need food. And some hot chocolate would be nice. So off you went to the restaurant next to the library and ordered lunch while enjoying the view. You saw people walking, running, talking to each other, riding bicycles, you saw a group of teenage girls giggling over a groud of teenage boys, you saw a cute eldery couple sharing ice creams… you captured it all in your memory while you stirring your coffee.

Interestingly and weirdly, someone tapped on your back. You turned your head and noticed it was the guy with Arthur C. Clarke’s book.
“Here. I’ve finished it.” he said while putting the book on your table and sitting down in the chair in front of you.
You were speechless. Not because he read it very fast, not because he knew where you were but because you knew him. “You are…” you said while trying to figure out his name.
“Charlie. Charles Key.” he introduced himself.
"I know you.” you said while pointing your index finger at him.
He smiled. “I know.”
“But… aren’t you… I…”
“I’m your ex-boyfriend’s friend ex-boyfriend.”
“I know, but… huh? You broke up with her? Oh so that’s why… oh right…” you knew it. You knew from the first time that she was your rival, not your friend and she wasn’t really “friend” with your now ex-boyfriend.
“It makes sense now, isn’t it?” he asked and smiled. His caressed his jaw.
You nodded. You only nodded.
“May I have the pleasure eating lunch with you?” he asked.
You smiled and said, “Of course... please.”
He ordered what you ordered, spaghetti meatball. You smiled at the thought that you two could possibly be a match, now you know it’s true.
“So… you like Arthur C. Clarke?” he asked while lighting his smoke. “Is it alright if I smoke?”
You nodded. “Well, I haven’t read his works, but I found the movie quite interesting, so I’m curious about the book.”
“Oh.” he said while inhaling the smoke. He blew the smoke away. “Which other science fiction writers do you like?”
You squealed inwardly. Finally, you thought. Someone that wasn’t disgust with her choices. “I like Douglas Adams.”
“Oh… Hitchhiker is nice.” he said. “I like Neil Gaiman,”
You laughed. Badass looking guy like him… loved Gaiman?
“I don’t think you can categorize Gaiman into science fiction though.” you commented.
And you both went into the greatest first conversation in history, and yourstory.

You smiled at the memory. Oh how time has changed. Moving and spinning so fast you don’t even know. You couldn’t even breath. As you stand up from your single flower-embroided sofa and stare at the people outside. They are laughing and eating finger foods that you made. You feel movements behind you and someone grabs you lightly by waist and holds you close.
“What are you doing inside? They are waiting for you outside…” he says in whispers
You put your hand above his that rests on your waist. “Just a moment.”
He kisses your forehead and leads you outside to the garden.
You see a girl running to you and squealed, “Grandma!!! Happy birthday.”
You smile and hold up the little girl that resembles you when you were in her age. “Thank you, honey.”
“I love you, grandma,” she hugs you, you feel warmth of her body and by then you realize… you lived a nice life anyway. And you will always, always love him.

[exoskeletons]

I Don't Mind The Shadows

2011-01-01T00:53:00.000+07:00

Yo La Tengo - Shadows

Sadness

2010-12-30T03:46:00.000+07:00

sadness for me is like old friends. you know... those friends that always bother you when you are busy doing something, but you don't want it to go away, you just let them sit there, annoy you. they affect your ways of thinking, they affect what you do, they affect everything, by just sitting there and staring at you. it doesn't take long until their thoughts get into your head and those thoughts become yours too. you try your best to not make them taking control your whole life completely, so you wear masks, listen to some make-you-numb songs, watch crappy movies with bad script, eat, eat, eat and eat, and cry your heart out. seeing the scenery, they left. but only for a while. because they will come back and find you, even though you're hiding in the farthest part of the forest and the deepest part of the ocean, they will come and find you. because they know you to the core, they know you. very well. too well. and they will get inside your head again, and again, and again.

sometimes you think that not feeling is the best feeling. because when you don't feel anything, when you're numb, your life get a whole lot better, or so you think. by being numb, you can continue to do your work, to set your mind on everything else, everything that not related to feelings. things are better that way, when your feelings don't affect any of your decisions, so you think logically. but it only lasts for awhile, until the sadness comes out from the dark and lure you in again... for the feeling that make you wish that you can't feel anything at all. sadness know how easy they can get into your head, just wait for the right moment and the right timing when they slip into your memories and messing up your minds. scenes, music, photos even small little unrelated things can trigger it, can make its way back to you. so sometimes, I wish... I could feel nothing but numb.

[symooh]

Things That Make Life Bearable Pt. 1

2010-12-29T00:25:00.000+07:00

Ohbijou -- Thunderlove

Prefuse 73 -- I Knew You Were Gonna Go

Stars -- The Beginning After The End

1,2 tumblr
3 [everythingsright]

Domestic Scene

2010-12-25T22:54:00.000+07:00

It was 2 am in the morning when she noticed there was a scar spread in her right hand, near the thumb bone. She was restless, she had tried to sleep since 11 pm yesterday but she couldn’t seem to sleep, so when she was turning on her laptop and typed her password, she noticed there was a scar in her hand.
The scar was beautiful, she thought, it was unlike any other scars she got in her body, the other scars in her body had caused her temporary sadness and pain, but this one, this one is different, it was as if the scar was an object of beauty, not an object of pain, or worse an object of violation. The scar looked like someone had smeared a red lipstick in her hand.
She ran her hand above her scar and she didn’t feel any pain at all. Perfect, she thought. This scar would be like another beauty products that are crafted to her skin, beautiful, but dangerous. She didn’t care, though, she didn’t care one bit, because her mind was utterly more damaged than that meaningless scar of hers.
When she went looking for her phone, trying to save this memory of hers, about her unknown scar, at her phone, she noticed something weird. She noticed that someone was outside her room, she thought she was all alone, beside, who’s going to be in her apartment when noone ever been there and didn’t know where she lived. She opened her door and found someone was watching the telly in the living room.
The person was tall, she knew this because his body was spread across the sofa and his feet were still hanging in the air. His hair was brown, dark brown to be exact. And his eyes were…
“Oh, morning, love!” he greeted.
“Horatio? What are you doing here?” she squealed and ran to him. The guy sat straight and opened his arms, he welcomed her in his arms. She breathed his smell sharply, the smell of home, of peace.

“What? Can’t I visit my lovely girl?” he asked while patting her head.
She pulled back but his arms were still managed to be wrapped tightly around her waist. “You can, but not this way, because you’ll look like a pervert in the morning, waking up beside a woman in her room.”
He snickered. “First, I’m not a pervert, I don’t look like one, I don’t smell like one, I don’t even breath like one. Second, eventhough people think that I am, you’re not a woman, you’re still a girl, in my eyes anyway. Third, who says I’m going to wake up in your room?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Visiting my future.”
"Huh? Aren’t you supposed to travel your arse off?”
“Not anymore. I decided to settle in.”
“With who?”
“With you.”
“Why me?”
“Why not?”
She pushed his body, pulled hers off and sat next to him. “You see, the way you answer me sounds like I’m an option, so I don’t see you with me together.”
His whole body went numb. “What did you say?”
“I don’t want to be just an option to you.”
“You’re not!”

“Yes, you only see me as an option. Either me or another girls that you saw when you tried to find yourself.” she got up and walked to her room.
When she was in front of her wooden door, she looked back and said, “When you leave, please be early in the morning when I’m still sleeping, because it would hurt less.”
“Wait.” he said, stopping her from touching the door.
“What?” he could tell that she was crying.
“I know this would sound completely corny and common but… I’ve found myself. I know where when I’m content with myself, where I enjoy being me.”
“Where?”
“When I’m with you. When I see you, when I hold you, when I know you’re around. Since I left you to what I call this nonsense bullshit about finding home, I found out that I’m not happy when you’re not around.
When I went all over the country, alone by myself and not having you to share with, I found out that there’s no point in me traveling the whole country without you, because I feel like a goddamn zombie when you’re not around. So please, can you be someone that I call home?” his voice was filled with guilt, sadness and with a hint of hope. Hope that she could be with him, that she would say yes.
“Are you going to leave me again?” she asked.
“Never.” he breathed, he could barely breath.
“Because I know you, Horatio. I know you to the core, you can’t be ‘domestic’ or settle in like another guy. You came, but you never stay.”
He tried to swallow down his tears. “I’m so sorry, but that’s in the past, I need you now. I really need you. I can’t… even function without you.”
She turned her body and walked toward him. “Do you promise me?”
He opened his arms and smiled, “I promise.”
She hugged him tight. “I’m tired.” she claimed.
“Bed time, I’m not a pervert, but I’m going to put you to bed like a great future husband I am, if that’s okay with you.” he asked while walking her toward her room.
“I’ll be outside” he added.
She smiled to his chest and walked to her room without his help. “See you tomorrow.” she said.
“See you tomorrow.” he answered back.

The next morning she woke up, the scar was gone and he, too, was gone. It was as if neither the scar nor him was there. It felt more real than any dreams or reality she had ever been to, so she didn’t have the slightiest idea in her head that he was only in her dream.

[nicoleandcharlie]

I Never Knew Home Until I Found Your Hand

2010-12-23T22:11:00.000+07:00

The fight was in front of a place that used to be a vegetable shops that runned by the Chinese people that lived upstairs. It didn’t take long until people arrived and broke the two people down. She was there since the fight began. She didn’t know why they were fighting, one minute she was walking down the street complaining to herself about her cold feet, the next minute the two of the men were fighting in front of her, she didn’t even know where they had came from, she was busy noticing her sockless feet.

After they finished their fighting, they broke apart and went to the opposite ways, she looked at one of the men that walked pass her. “Cold night, eh?” he said to her.
She nodded back at him and said, “Yeah, forgot to wear socks, apparently.”
The guy seemed to be interested with her, so he stopped and walked to her. “What were you thinking? It’s a cold town. Here, have my scarf.”
He untied his scarf and put his scarf to her neck. She felt somehow embarrassed but loved at the same time. “Thanks.” she smiled at him gratefully.
“You’re not from here, are you?” he asked. He was closer than earlier so now she could smell his breath and his body, she also noted that he was around her age. He smelled like warm tea in the afternoon with a hint of cream shave, but his breath smelled like beer.

She gave him her smile, that sadness masked with happiness smile. “Yes, I came from… another world.”
He laughed. He had a nice laugh. “Really, now? What kind of world?”
“Not this, I can tell you.”
When she was looking at her boots and she couldn’t see him, he gave her his smile, his smile was different than hers, his smile of knowing. He bit his lower lip and forced another smile.

“Have you eat dinner?” he asked.
As a car passed, she looked up, the headlights lighted up her face and she smiled. “No, I haven’t. I was on my way to a diner.”
“Tell you what, I’m starving after the whole tiring fight, let’s eat. I’ll buy you dinner in fancy restaurant, if… you want to tell me about this other world.” he said while opened his hand waiting for her to take his.
She blushed. “My dad says never trust a stranger… but you don’t feel like a stranger.”
He swallowed hard. “That’s because I’m going to buy you a dinner.”
She smiled happily and took his hand, she slipped her hand to his as if it was the most natural thing in the whole world and they both fit. She noticed his watch and smiled to herself.
"Look, we have matching watch." she claimed.
He turned his head and looked at his wrist. "Wow... that's... weird. Are you stalking me or something?"
"No!" she exclaimed and smiled, he returned her smile and they both continued to walk.

As they walked together, she noticed something warm and liquid coming from his hand. She breathed sharply and pulled her hand.
His whole body became numb instantly. “What?”
He watched her as she went through her things, she was looking for her first aid kit that she always bought in her bag. It took so many minutes to find her first aid kit and when she did, she pulled it out.
“What are you doing?” he asked when she dragged him to the stacks of snow.
“Put your hand above the snow and roll up your sleeve.” she ordered.
He did what she asked him and then she cleaned his wound then she put a bandage above it. She smiled at his now bandaged wound and then she smiled at him. “Why did you even get into a fight? You seem like a nice guy.”

“If I tell you you won’t believe it.” he said while pulling down his sleeve and took her hand.
“Try me, I have big imagination.”
The bright blue beanie that she was wearing was falling so he pulled the beanie and pushed it so it covered her face. “You got something on your face.” he said.
She laughed and pulled the beanie back to its place. “Don’t be meanie to my beanie.”
“Now that’s…” he pursed his lips. “That’s too corny, even for you.”
She smiled coyly. “Yeah… so, are we going to eat? I’m starving.”
He turned his head and stared at her brown eyes. “I’m Xavier, nice to meet you, Starving.”
She shook her head, “No, my name is Reginé.”
“Well, then, Reginé, how about a nice dinner?” he asked, his blue eyes were glittering under the moonlight.
She smiled. “Sounds nice.”

[SandraBeijer]

Just Hold On To Me

2010-12-22T18:44:00.000+07:00

She was supposed to be there at 5 p.m., but she was nowhere on sight. Not even slightest bit, not to him anyway. He rechecked his watch, his twin watch that he has with her, hers was--is-- the smaller version of his. It was 6.15 p.m., it wasn’t like her to be late like this. She was usually punctual, but he had a feeling she won’t be like that today, after all she was late for one hour and fifteen minutes.

He took the last sip of his coffee and then he left the café after he paid the bill. He opened the wooden front door and took a breath of a warm Saturday afternoon. The sun was still up, bright and shiny, it was one of those days that made you want to go out and had a nice walk with your loved ones-- because of the nice sight and comfortable weather, he decided to walk and put on some music. He smirked at his decision, his blue eyes were glowing because of his smile, it was more alive than usual, there he was walking. He hated walking, he used to hate walking, he would thought, it was easier to drive, but she hated people who drive, she tolerated people who drive because they have long journeys to go through, but she despised people who drive because of the comfort of their own safety. She would rather took public transportations and because of her reasons, he stopped driving and took public transportations instead.

All of the bad things within him, he noted, had been transformed into good ones because of her. Great even. She changed him, no, no, she made him better, she didn’t change him, she didn’t make him something that he didn’t, she made him something greater than he used to. She improved him. She made him a better man. She made him like that only with her occasional pouts, her laughs, her warm hugs--even in the coldest winter--, her ideas, her brilliant words, her comforts and… her being her mostly. He didn’t want to sound like a weird guy, because he knew he wasn’t, but he knew that he cannot live, he cannot even breath, without her. It was like, he laughed at himself because of the thought, she was the reason he live. He needed him more than he knew.

He stopped at the front of her 4-storey loft. He looked at the building, up and down, up and down, as if he was judging it. It was the usual broken-white old vintage looking building, you need to take the stairs instead of an elevator, it was the usual city building apartment, but there… oh there… lived a girl that held the world in the palm of her hand. He needed to see her right then, that moment, he missed her so much, it had been two days straight without any contact at all, he needed to be with her and her smiles, her comforting smiles.

The steps he took were the big ones, they showed how much he missed her and how much he wanted to be with her. He sighed and took a long breath when he reached in front of her place. 3C. He smiled gleefully, but after that he noticed something, the door was slightly open. She’d never did that, opened the door carelessly, she always closed the door, whether she was inside or outside she always closed the door. There were male voice and a soft female voice inside. He quickly opened the door and saw two strangers in her place--or apparently what used to be her place.

Those two strangers looked at him in a weird way. It was sort the combination of “Who the fuck are you?” and “What a weirdo.”, because of that look they gave him, he backed away and took a mental image of her place.

The colour of the room wasn’t white anymore, it was light brown. The black chandelier on the ceiling was gone. The white engraved mirror next to the front door was vanished. No more photos, photos that belonged to him, to her, or some random people's, plastered to her walls. All of the things that used to be in that room were gone, except for one thing, a black shelf, that he gave to her, on the opposite side of the door. However, the only thing he first noticed that had gone missing was only… her.

He was disappointed. He was definitely disappointed. She was gone and he didn’t know where she went, or why, or when, or even… how. He went numb instantly. The way he walked to his apartment could be more considered as a walking zombie instead of a normal person. There was no life within him, he felt like he couldn’t function at all, the only thing that kept him going was only a mere hope that when he went home he could find all of the answers and that she wasn’t missing after all.

Nothing going through his mind, only occasional thinking on which path he should take, left turns and right turns. It wasn’t bearable, without the thinking. He walked lifelessly to his apartment on the 7th floor, he didn’t even notice when someone accidentally bumped him. As slid the key to the door to his apartment, he felt nausea all of the sudden, he felt sick all over his body and he wanted nothing more than to sleep the day off or if he could, sleep his life off.

[shedamb][wolvesandbucks]

Home

2010-12-21T13:15:00.000+07:00

have you ever felt like you don't truly belong where you are right now? like everything just don't fit in perfectly or the way it supposed to be. also when everything feels just wrong and not right. when everything doesn't fall perfectly. there's a chip of your old wooden heart that's missing. I feel like that sometimes, I know I'm here but I'm not supposed to be and belong here, that I fit in, but I don't always feel like I belong where I am right now, I feel like I belong elsewhere. I don't supposed to do something at that precise time. I should be elsewhere doing something else. that my purpose in this life is not doing this. and I never truly find peace here. I don't know if it's my mind--again-- playing with me.

also I don't feel like here is a place where my heart is. home, yeah. content, yeah. but never actually feels like it's where my heart is. where I belong. I keep praying to God hope that this is only temporary madness.

Won't Heal

2010-12-17T21:47:00.000+07:00

again. it hurts. so much. not as much as it used to, but don't you think because it had happened before, the pain just got worse? because I do. because I think that when the pain left, it left this small, but certainly clear, hole in your heart. it's like small scars on your knees, on your elbows and sometimes on your face, so occasionally something touch the scars or maybe accidentally pour some water on it, oh have I forgot to tell you that the scars won't heal?

the scars that won't heal. I should write a song about this. the scars that won't heal. it hurts hurts hurts. it's nothing big now, it's just a fraction of something that used to be big, but it won't heal, so it will haunt me. forever. like a box of pain you leave open in the middle of a library. unlike usual scars though, I can only feel this one when it collides with something. this something is undeniably familiar and supremely haunting. like vague smell of your house in the morning after the rain.
I'm stuck. x x

[earthtoandrea]

|TRUTH|

2010-12-14T21:07:00.004+07:00

Your Existing Situation

Feeling stressed out due to her current situation and the demands which are placed on her. Working to release herself from all things that hold her back or tie her down.

Your Stress Sources

"is being overworked and her flexibility and hard work are being taken advantage of while trying to deal with problems. Sticks to her goals, but feels intense pressure to succeed. Since the situation is uncooperative and untrustworthy, she would like to walk away from it altogether."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant.

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.

Is satisfied and finds contentment through sexual activity.

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Your Desired Objective

"Feels stressed due to her current situation or relationships, and needs to make changes. Looking for a solution that will increase her chances of fulfilling her current hopes and dreams."

Your Actual Problem

"Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. In order to build her self-esteem back up, she looks to others for recognition, respect, and encouragement. This can be a problem since she tends to blame others for her shortcomings. Searching for solutions that are geared toward her needs and self-consciousness."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Feeling anxious and restless frustration toward current situation or unfulfilled emotional requirements are causing stress. she feels misunderstood, used, and anxious. she strives to search for new relationships or environment, in the hope they may offer her happiness and peace of mind."

JJ and His Friend, Katie Fucking Fitch.

2010-12-11T19:20:00.002+07:00

one of the best parties. ever.

I'm missing one of my best girls party today.

stuck here at grandmum's.

glad she got internet connection and all.

I love my friends and my family. and God, too.

The Night Starts Here -- Stars

10 Bucks

2010-12-08T20:01:00.000+07:00

not really giving a fuck is more like an impulse for me lately. really. I don't. something inside me shuts off. something inside of me just don't give a fuck. I bet it's because all those secret sufferings I've been doing these past ten years. I bet your for 10 bucks it is. I wish I couldn't feel anything, I wish I couldn't feel any feelings, any throbbing madness, any secret sufferings, any bad feelings for hating someone. I wish I could just... be. but I can't, can I?

I'm having a conversation with my friend, and from her case I'm concluding that maybe I'm feeling this because I'm growing up. I used to have lots of emotions and I used to be careless. I used to love a lot, laugh a lot, smile a lot, do a lot of revenge and others. but now... I feel like I'd rather prefer to just shut up and shut my heart and my head, so that I don't feel anything. I realized now that crying is much more preferable. I used to just swallowed everything down and kept happiness plastered all of my face instead. but now, crying is easier. much easier. truth is I don't know why I don't cry so easily back then. I mean... I was flooding with emotions and hormones but still, crying was something rare for me. but that's fine. maybe I'm just growing up.
[jessica anne ]

03:03 05:05 09:09. Where Are You?

2010-12-07T21:45:00.000+07:00

I have so much to tell. so much.
but as usual, nothing can come out. everything's hidden. it's like one of those days again. I'm running out of words. I hate this. there's so much that I want to tell, so much, but not even a single tiniest of word could come out of my mouth. they are all hiding now, in my head. I don't know why they are hiding. but they are. they shouldn't. they are supposed to be brave and come out and fight the fears.
my head shouldn't follow my heart. because my heart is coward. coward. and currently my body acts based on my heart, what my heart prefers to do in these times.

yes. these times. currently this is one of those phases that I should overcome. this one phase that I should fight. my life's on repeat. this same exact phase had happened 3 years ago, well actually when I was in 9th grade. it was one of the lowest points of my life, three years ago was. but within those sufferings and madness I found many great life lessons. back then, when I was funny-looking and naïve, my heart got broken, I got so tired of my life and it was bad, for me. but I grew better and better, I went from "dying" to "surviving" and then I achieved one of the greatest things that had ever happened to me. so because of that, I'm gonna let this be. I'm going to be alright, because something great is waiting for me.

so off to bed, xx.
before I forget; can someone please buy me this?
[laceandflora]

Damaged Goods

2010-11-21T20:23:00.001+07:00

I feel better now. much better. there's still a hole in the middle of my chest, but its smaller now, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to either, although the throbbing madness and the unrelated coincidences would never stop. its gone, permanently, but not really. certain things, certain moments, like a good old sad song or a sentence, also scents, could trigger it to come back, but those things don't have big power like it used to have. I won't deny that this can't be completely be gone. this thing.
I realized last night, that this thing had happened to me before. or actually this thing is still happening with me, that it didn't leave, only remain hidden in the dark after all this time, waiting to be remembered again. thats why I felt it overwhelmingly familiar. or maybe it was on a pause and something triggered it to come back, something pressed "Play" button. that something was a circumstance that occurred 6 months ago. it took me six months to get my arse back on track. but I'm still damaged.

As Far As The Eye Can See

2010-11-19T21:12:00.001+07:00

"You must overcome your fear"
I tried to overcome mine, but all I get is only more and more sadness.

"Ignorance is a bliss"
This implies to some things, but not the answers for my unanswerable questions, I need those answers. But I'm afraid if the answer is simply a maddening, simple nonetheless, 'no'.
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Fool's Gold

2010-11-17T22:29:00.001+07:00

The Middle East -- Fool's Gold

this song feels like that moment. right when the night took you away from me in the middle of long road. as the plane fly away into the midst of cold air and dark shadow of the earth. as you left me alone in the airport. as you left me alone with nothing accompany me but the white light.
this song takes me back to that night. all I can remember now is dark.
dark
dark
dark dark
dark.
cold. cold. cold.
white light.
and the sound of plane that took you away.

"R U OK?"

2010-11-16T13:00:00.000+07:00

I need someone to tell me that it is okay. that it is fine.
I need someone to tell me that I'm okay.
I need someone who could assure me that I'm okay, that I'm alright that I'm a tough bitch.
but I can't find that someone.
because I know, deep inside,
that I'm not.
that everyone is not okay.

made this on top of a scrap of bill.

Testing

2010-11-16T11:23:00.001+07:00

Sending thoughts with e-mails does it work? X
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/Where your heart is\

2010-11-16T10:32:00.000+07:00

my dream room. this room is irl. I mean, someone own this room: Vanillascented.

very clean, simple, white, something that won't bore you out.

all from Vanilla Scented.

Fashion x Nationalism

2010-11-13T22:24:00.002+07:00

I love fashion. do you know that? I love things that fashion defined, whether it is a statement or just pure personality that they spoke in the absence of words, only vision. we interpret them only by seeing them virtually in front of our eyes, whether its good or bad, or whether it looks perfect or just entirely wrong, or whether it looks very revealing or the contrary, is normally defined by the person who sees them even if the person who wears the attributes doesn't really give a shit about what other people think. I grow with people that loves fashion, I don't care if they put it all wrong, but they all love fashion, they don't go for only casual clothes everyday, they always wear different, especially my Mum. she loves fashion, thats why she opened a boutique.
but as I grow, I'm tired of seeing my Mum's things and people say I'm not quite like my Mum, because she's all glamorous and fashionable, while I try to keep it simple. people wonder why, it is because I'm tired seeing my Mum's all glamorous and all, I tried to be different, to be simple but chic, less attribute but people know that I wear something unusual. because, I think, your personality define who you are and define your thoughts and your moods, and because I'm less colorful and less fantastic than my Mum, I tend to wear simpler clothes, much simple than my Mum. she could go all like accessories and stuff and with make up and still manage to look high class and at the same time classic, while I chose to wear something in the opposite of my Mum.
fashion had been a part of me and always will be, eventhough I'm more of a person who enjoy fashion rather than learn them, let alone memorize all of them. fashion is one of my escapism from reality. life's a bit sucks without fashion or art or music or books. I always find myself mix-matching clothes in the middle of important classes, making clothes in scraps of used papers. I even want to start my own brand and everything, and my own boutique, with sections for girls with different types of bodies, because we all can't have a nice body, now can we?

I like to blog walking to people's fashion blogs and found the things that they wear are all interesting and nice, as I journey through the links that they gave in their blogs, I become more aware that they all usually wear their own local brands and I become very envy and jealous at them, especially those who live in Sweden because I think Sweden got the most talented designers & labels & brands. but as I surf into Indonesian fashion bloggers, I become more aware that Indonesia got talented designers, too.
the only difference between Indonesian people and others is that other countries' people are proud to wear their own local brand, and this is what I think Indonesian people are lack of.
most of Indonesian people are followers rather than trendsetters, they all like to wear the same brands with their friends and the brands that currently become "it brands" like Forever 21 when it first opened its branch in here. I feel very sad about this, very sad for the fact that we are all nothing but a bunch of followers and/or copycats and also only small circle of people that aren't follower/copycats and they have their own signature styles. people in Indonesia haven't aware that there are great local brands, too, and we don't always have to buy other countries products. we have great labels here, too, maybe not everyone ever heard of them, but if you want to find it, we have.
I know that maybe not all of the brands here in Indonesia can match what you want, what people demand, but at least we all have something that we can be proud of and we don't always have to buy other countries' things to be fashionable, let alone be famous. people don't always define how much money you spend on one purse as your popularity contests. I am not saying that I don't buy things from other countries, I still do, but its not always and its must be things that I can't find here in Indonesia. you don't have to be a patriot to love Indonesia, you don't have to attend ceremony everyday to show off your nationalism. love your countries by wearing your own local brands is what I called nationalism.

[voila store]

Hugging Myself

2010-11-03T21:57:00.001+07:00

earlier today my dear friend asked me if seeing my loved one, or perhaps the person that I really adore, could really change my mood or my day. I answered, no. they affect me, but only for feelings, they don't encourage me to study harder or work harder or do anything with more effort, they don't. they just lift up my mood. that's it. I don't really think relationships for me really affect the way I do things in my life. but I know one thing that does. those bloody coincidences. I mean... those coincidences only worsen my day. its not even the usual things anymore. help.

current love:

2NE1's It Hurts MV
Vogue Korea: Andy Warhol and Edie Sedgwick
Coco Sumner's Bohemian Love
hot tea.
long sleep after long day
cutting shirts.

[Saria Dy]

No Clue At All

2010-10-31T22:27:00.000+07:00

maybe those coincidences is God's ways to tell me about something. about something big. but God just doing it with those maddening coincidence and overwhelming sadness. within those coincidence, I just realized, lie few of the greatest life lessons in my life. and sometimes I had or bought something, that I thought had no relation whatsoever with things that are commonly presented in my life, that related with this thing that is currently happening in my life. its like the world is saying, "no, bitch, you can't hide from it."

or maybe they are saying something like, "bitch, we are going to tell you something, but its not in an easy way, rather painful one."

or maybe, "you can't fucking hide from us, even if you try."

I always think to myself, why don't I move to some secluded private in the middle of nowhere place? place with no connection to the world at all. place where I can find my peace of mind. I know where, there are some possible choices, but... I have my doubts. and then today I read something on this lovely book called "Manusia Langit", the main character described that wherever he go, even to that very secluded place where there's no electricity, things still haunt him. its like the world is saying, "you can't hide from it wherever you go."

current love: Dumbfoundead, Retail Therapy's In House Therapy, loooong night, Dewi Spa's Virgin Coconut Oil body lotion, NN:02 Racer Tank Dress, Jeffrey Campbell ankle boots, city escape, Donnie Darko, Manusia Langit, Defying Gravity

current hate: short night long day, extra classes

[lostartist]

Truth Is Not Overrated.

2010-10-25T20:33:00.000+07:00

Lost Found. Lost Found. Lost Lost.

2010-10-22T23:06:00.000+07:00

I'm going to feel this blog with love and happiness from now on, but I know I'd be lying with myself if I say that, but what can I do? writing sad stories is easier than write happiness. because you can't bundle happiness and write them, because it will outburst and will have an impact on other people's life. and currently, there's no words that I can write about happiness, although maybe I will. I don't know what I could be happy about currently, fall in grades? tiring weekdays? monday mournings? I'm only grateful, but not happy. I passed everyday with only false hopes and dreams and my usual everyday things (read: coincidence, de javus, lypophrenia), so life is pretty much boring. nothing + my usual everyday things = sadness. oh well.

my current love:

epic jackets with scribbled of words on the backside. like random words or madness psychedelic art.
maxi dress or skirt, preferably in tan or tribal or stripes or just patterns.
plain bleached jeans jacket.
anything in warm autumn colour.
leather bag. in any colour, except neon ones.
tribal things, especially dreamcatcher.
men in those tiny v-necks but not low necks one with leather jackets and/or plaid button-downs. him. him. him. him.
men in boots.
men that are smartly good looking and good-lookingly smart.
2NE1. listen to them. mind blown. they're no typical Korean only-can-bulimic-and-only-can-makeup-no-skillz
Park Bom of 2NE1, she's so my role model.
Sweden, but this is forever love.
Mumford & Sons' Little Lion Man and White Blank Page.
Julie Delpy's An Ocean Apart
Aimee Mann's One
Weekday products, especially: this, this, this, this and this
THIS GUY. THIS GUY. he's so much better with his hair shaved. please look at the photo caption of the second photo. minta dibawa pulang tau gak pas dia di Banda Aceh. oke fine.

that is all. Vi ses.

him photos: [glabalaba]. [parisheroinstars]

Rob. Part I.

2010-10-17T11:54:00.000+07:00

After he left, he texted me.

From: Armaan
WTF MAN???? U SAID THAT U KNEW WHERE SHE WAS! BUT U ONLY GIMME THAT PIECE OF SHIT STORY? WHAT THE FUCK MAN?

To: Armaan
Sorry mate, I didn't mean to do that you left when I barely started.

From: Armaan
Really? like there's good side of that fucking story? Story of her leaving me?

To: Armaan
Hey, chill. I know where she is, I know where she went. What I told you was only the part when she was leaving.

From: Armaan
CHILL? YOU TOLD ME TO FUCKING CHILL WHEN THE GIRL THAT I BLOODY FUCKING LOVE ISN'T HERE? FUCK YOU MAN.

To: Armaan
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THATS SAD WHEN SHE LEFT? HUH? WE ALL MISS HER YOU FUCKING INCONSIDERATE MAN. FUCK YOU MAN! WE ALL MISS HER NOW YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE SHE IS OR NOT?

From: Armaan
Sorry man its just that the girl that I fucking love to death isn't here, she's missing, she's not around, she's not here. I need her man I need her.

To: Armaan
Cut off the attitude man I know you're sad that doesn't mean you can just say fuck off to your friends and treat them like shit, she moved two towns from here called "Vageu City" ever heard about it? Its some secluded city and the people there are high as shit, know what I mean?

From: Armaan
Heard about it, what do you mean by high as shit?

To: Armaan
People there are just insane you know they high all the time, but they don't do drugs they're like hippies man. Insane

From: Armaan
I'm gonna find her

To: Armaan
Now hold on, don't you ever think I'm gonna let you to that insane place without backups you need me man, you need your friends you need to be invited to go to that place

From: Armaan
The fuck did she do to get invited here? Shit I'm gonna find her, tomorrow I'm gonna be at the cafe and you guys should be there at 9 or I'm gonna go there on my own

To: Armaan
She didn't do nothing, her cousin own that whole fucking town, she just went there easily as I went to a club. When you go there, its like you go into a fucking different country, hell a fucking different life, like you got high and went to some wonderland for high people with guns, thats why you need to be invited, look I know a guy that can let us in, but first got to have guns first and learn how to use it, its not some fun town we are going

From: Armaan
My uncle's can get us guns and how to use it, how many?

To: Armaan
Whole fucking brotherhood Maan

From: Armaan
Sure they in?

To: Armaan
Uhhuh, we are your brothers we got your back

"You're Dead."

2010-10-16T21:44:00.001+07:00

the world is slowly killing me day by day, I started to believe that the term death has lost its meaning. like the term death does not only apply to people who doesn't have heartbeats anymore, but it also applies to people who don't feel like they actually living their breathing lives.

but what is living your life anyway? does that mean you have to be spontaneous like that man Carl from Yes Man movie? you have to say "yes" to everything? or does that mean you got to take all of the opportunities you have in your life? does it mean that you ought to be happy all the time? or does it mean you got to be true with yourself? and love yourself with all your heartbeats? we forgot the meaning of living our life.

I wish I could do this. I could be careless and just be happy all the time, or just... live. but, truth to be told, minus the studying and the school things, I do live. I do smile a lot. I do laugh a lot. I do laugh until my jaw hurts and my stomach can't hold anymore. although... at times like this... when I'm alone with myself, at night, with nothing to accompany me but rubbish movies or old songs, I get very depressed and sad. lypophrenia, saudade. all of those things. I can barely breath. those things keep occuring over and over again, at least three times a day. and those events... are being represented to me. I don't understand why, I don't understand what's the point, the goal from they are trying to achieve by making me insane 24/7. this is mad and sick, even for me. I wish I could just escape. but what can I do when noone believes me and noone trusts me and noone loves me.

[stayg0ld]

Armaan. Part I

2010-10-15T12:25:00.000+07:00

I was sipping my coffee in the usual cafe, it was nice, and the weather, for the usual rainy day, was very breezy but warm. Wind was everywhere. The site from inside of the cafe was ecstatic. The street wasn't crowded with the usual people that stroll around the flea market, a few groups of tourists and nothing else, unusual day for this city. The baristas were very nice to me and the waitress was actually being nice to me.

From where I sit, I could see the whole street without even have to move, but I believe that the people outside can't see me, so it wasn't weird for me when Rob couldn't see me when he first came inside the cafe. He was, as usual, wearing his flannel shirt and black jeans, there was something in his eyes that I can't see but I know it was there, somewhat loneliness and sadness with a hit of desperation. I whistle when I saw him searching for me and he smiled and ran to where I sat.

"'Sup, man?" I greeted.

"Good good, hey listen, mate, there's something I gotta tell you." I eyed him suspiciously.

"Remember when you said to me that you missed her so much and you need to know where she is?"

I nodded and put down my newspaper. "Well, I know where she is,"

"Where?" I immediately sat straight and became aware for only his voice, nothing else mattered.
"D'you remember where you last seen her?"
"Yeah." I nodded. "It was on the corner of Lucid Street when she said goodbye to me, it was the last time I saw her. She was wearing her usual floor-length skirt, looking gypsy as always. That was... the last time."
He nodded gracefully. "Well, there's somethin' I gotta tell you. She... left."
I felt as if a shocking lightning strike through my very soul. The girl that I love, she left. I swallowed hard. "How? When? Why?"
"Why, I don't know, but when, it was four a.m. yesterday. I di'n't notice it first but she looked like she wasn't very happy the night before, I figured that there was problem with you, yeah? Cause I barely see you both together anymore, so I di'n't bother to ask, cuz, I mean... she got problems with you, not me, we are best mates, but I ain't gonna mess with your shit. I heard some noise and I was half-sleepin' and I saw her standing in front of the door an' ready to open them, but I di'n't say anything, cuz, I thought she was just trippin' or somethin', not sayin' she is, but I thought she was daydreamin' an' all that shit. But thing is, she looked like she was in deep shit and ready to leave, so I was like 'Okay, fine, she's gonna leave.', but then I saw vaguely that she kissed me goodbye on my forehead an' the rest of the tenants in the loft, I saw this cuz there was huge party goin' on in our basement an' to get out of our loft you should go through the basement an' we were asleep, well, they were, I was half-asleep. As she opened the door, I saw she was smiling and then she left."

I didn't know how to react the information. How to digest them. The girl that I love, that I want to marry, the girl that I saw as my bride, that I just introduced to my parents, that I promised the world for her, left. She left. Left. Left me. Why.

"Why didn't you stop her?" I asked.
He lit up a cigarette and started to smoke. "Everythin' went too fast, man. I can barely recall what she said about you when she kissed me."
I wanted to punch him right then and there. He was my best mate, but I couldn't believe that the last person she kissed goodbye was him, not me. The guy that would give everything in his world just to be with her, why not me. "What did she say?" I managed to ask.
"I forgot mate, but there was your name an' 'sorry' an'... shit forgot. Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I remember, but don't kill me for sayin' this, yeah?"
I nodded. "Go on."
"She said, 'Tell Armaan I'm sorry for leaving in a hurry, I just can't take it anymore... bla bla bla... I'm moving on. It's not us, it's not me, it's not you, but all those things that keep happening to me always haunting me wherever I go, so I need to leave, cause I can't take it anymore.' or somethin' like that. She di'n't say where she wanted to go, only left."

I punched the table, left my money and went back home, leaving Abdul's mouth hanging open.

Between Vienna and Paris.

2010-10-14T23:32:00.000+07:00

Script from Before Sunset that I like

"we all see the world through our own tiny keyhole, right?"

"he says that we are the sum of all the moments of our lives, and that, uh, anybody who sits down to write is gonna use the clay of their own life, that you can't avoid that. So when I look at my own life, you know, I have to admit, right...that I've... I've never been around a bunch of, a bunch of guns, or violence. You know, not really. No political intrigue or, uh, helicopter crash, right? But my life, from my own point of view, has been full of drama, right? And, uh, so I thought that if I could write a book that...that could capture what it's like to really meet somebody. I mean one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to me is to really meet somebody, make that connection, and if I could...make that valuable, you know, to capture that, that would be the attempt."

"You know, happiness is in the doing, right, not in the... getting what you want"

"He's there in both moments simultaneously. And just like for an instance , all his life is just folding in on itself and it's obvious to him that time is a lie... uh...that's it's all happening all the time and inside every moment is another moment, all...You know, happening simultaneously."

"it sounded vaguely familiar"

"Céline: Yes, you remember that?

Jesse: Yeah, I remember everything."

"Céline: No, everyone wants to believe in love. It sells, right?

Jesse: Yeah, exactly...so..."

"I don't know, just...being part of someone else's memory. Seeing myself through your eyes."

"Céline: I always assumed you had forgotten me.

Jesse: No, I had a pretty clear picture of you in my mind"

"You know, everything is irrevocably screwed up"

"Jesse: You know, I mean I think the world might be getting better because people like you are educated into speaking out. Even the very notion of conservation, environmental issues, those weren't even in the vocabulary until fairly recently, you know, and now they're becoming a norm, and eventually might be what's expected all over the world.

Céline: I agree with what you're saying, but at the same time, it's dangerous. An imperialist country can use that kind of thinking to justify their economic greed. You know, human rights..."

"Right, I mean...me, for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, racked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older, my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them"

"So, all I've been doing was...walk around, think, and write. My brain felt like it was at rest, free from the consuming frenzy. And I have to say, it was almost like a natural high. I felt so peaceful inside, no...strange urge to be somewhere else, to shop...Maybe it could have seemed like boredom at first, but it quickly became very, very soulful. It's interesting, you know?"

"Céline: Yeah, but I feel really alive when I want something more than just basic survival needs. I mean, wanting whether it's intimacy with another person, or a new pair of shoes, is kind of beautiful. I like that we have those ever-renewing desires.

Jesse: Well, maybe it's just a sense of entitlement. You know, like whenever you feel like you deserve that new pair of shoes, you know. It's OK to want things as long as you don't get pissed off if you don't get 'em. Right? Life's hard. It's supposed to be. If we didn't suffer, we wouldn't learn a thing, you know?"

"All the warmth was gone"

"Memory is a wonderful thing, if you don't have to, uh, deal with the past."

"Yeah, I don't think anybody does; people don't want to admit it, but it's like we just...we have these innate set points."

"As soon as people got used to their new situation, they were more or less the same."

"So, you’ll now be forever depressed, no matter what great things happen in my life?"

"There's a…an Einstein quote I really, really like. He said, um: "If you don't believe in any kind of magic, or mystery, you’re basically as good as dead.""

"Yeah, I like that. I've always felt there was some kind of mystical core to the universe. You know that…More recently, I started to think that...that me...you know, my personality, whatever, that...I don't have any permanent place here. You know, in eternity, or whatever, you know. And the more I think that, I can't go through life saying that this is no big deal, you know. I mean, this is it! This is actually happening. What do you... think is interesting, what do you think is funny, what do you think is important? You know, every day is our last."

"You know, I think that book that I wrote, in a way, was like building something. So that I wouldn't forget the details of the time that we spent together. You know like, just as a reminder that...that once we really did meet, you know, that this was real. This happened."

"I’m happy you’re saying that because...I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like this! You know? People just have an affair or even...entire relationships...they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have...their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship when it ends really damages me; I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because...it hurts too much!"

"I think I...I wrote it in a way to try to find you."

"I guess when you're young...you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times."

"Céline: Well, the past is the past. It was meant to be that way.

Jesse: What, you really believe that? That everything is fated?

Céline: Well, you know, the world might be less free than we think.

Jesse: Yeah?

Céline: Yeah, when given this exact circumstances, that's what will happen every time. Two part hydrogen, one part oxygen, you'll get water every time."

"I don't need a man to feed me but I still need a man to love me and that I could love, you know. "

"It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it's like...I don't believe in anything that relates to love. "

"Reality and love are almost contradictory for me"

"The concept is absurd; the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...EVIL!! RIGHT??!!"

"You know, I guess I've been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts I make no effort…because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out."

"You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain"

"I'm so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as... like...you know, I'm detached, but I'm... I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I'm so numb. I don't feel pain, or excitement. I'm not even bitter,"

Juniper Zarina. Part I

2010-10-13T19:24:00.000+07:00

I don't recognize myself anymore lately. Part of me dying slowly each day, like those groups of ants that take out parts of their food slowly and deliberately, as if they want me to have a slow death, painful one. I am not pleased. I am not fine. Who could be fine in these moments? When they love someone so much but they don't know who they are.

He's always vaguely there. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he's doing right now. In bed with other woman? Or maybe having late lunch with his beautiful girlfriend. I don't know. I barely know him. I barely remember his face. But he keeps coming, you know. Like unexpected parcels over the holidays, or maybe like raindrops in the middle of hot midday. I don't like this. I really don't. People always tell me to get a bloody move on and he really isn't there and I won't be stuck with this. As if they know him. As if they know how lovely he is and how... all of my expectations on men, all those qualities can be found in him. But where is he? He promised to be here.

"Are you even real?" sometimes I asked to him. And he would laugh, "Why?"
"Because you're perfect."
He smiled to my forehead, "No, I'm not. I'm just a normal human being."
"Are you sure?"
"Perfectly." he said with his assured tone.
I laughed at him. "You're not some biologically engineered robot or something, because I think you're too good to be true."
I could feel his hold tighten. "No... I'm a normal being."
"That's what I love about you, you're... normal but perfect."
"You're..." he stopped and took a breath, "Perfectly mine. Noone else's lady. I don't want anyone else to have you, you know..."

Bullshit. Boys and men, they all tell the same lies, with different arranged words. I don't trust words from boys. All they only give you is false hopes. They all wear the same mask, lies and false hopes and broken promises, so that they all can get what they want. But, I don't know what he wants from me. What he wishes he can get from me. What he's hiding. I can't tell. Because I only meet him once in few months and its frustrating me. My life is frustrating enough without him.

Lolita. Part I.

2010-10-11T18:19:00.000+07:00

"You're listening to 111.0 Empire FM with me, Liam . How are you doing? Me? I'm doing so great I could fly. Wanna know why? Because I got three Au Revoir Simone tickets for you, all free. What you should do, though, is to answer my question: What is the song that I'm playing on right now?"

She smiled knowingly. Not because she liked his voice, Liam's voice, she didn't like Liam's voice, a bit too rough, she thought. The name of the song was Stars.

"Got it? Text them to me as fast as possible and then I will announce the winner right away, and those three lucky winners can each have one of these three tickets. Hurry, cause there are lots of competitors."

She squealed and quickly texted the answer to the Radio Station's number.

"Anyway, while waiting for your texts, I'm going to play another song of Au Revoir Simone. Oh and don't forget to mention your full name and age."

"So, here we go. The first three fastest and luckiest people are: Ruby, Poppy and... wait for it... Lolita! Congratulations for the three women that are going to watch the also beautiful trio women. Please text me your full name, age and address; and then I will tell you how to get these also beautiful three tickets. Thank you."

She squealed in delight. Her! Going to watch one of her favorite groups. For free! She quickly jumped out of her bed and ran downstairs to meet her Mum and ask for permission, but as she always said to herself, "If I got the ticket, then bloody hell with Mum's permission," but she ask for one anyway.

"Muuuuum?" she said.

"Yes, sweetie? In the bedroom." her Mum called.

She ran to her mother's bedroom. "Mum, mum!" she said when she entered her mother's bedroom.

"Yes sweetie?"

"Mum, I got one ticket to watch Au Revoir Simone, please please can I come?"

Her mother looked at her suspiciously. "How. exactly, did you get the ticket?"

"From the radio."

"Okay, fine, but please, ask someone to accompany you, preferably someone older and can handle you and also more responsible than you. Like your cousin, or maybe Bill."

"Biiill? Mum, please, I'm seventeen, could you please... like, I'm old enough to watch a concert by myself. Gosh!"

"You're only seventeen, honey. You still need a parental guidance, for another year at least."

"Okay, fine. Pick anyone, except Bill. And I have my own ticket and its free, so you should buy the person's ticket."

"Bill or not at all." her mother said with the look in her eyes.

She put her face in her mother's pillow. "Okay fine!" she said through the pillow, "But I don't want him to follow me all the time,"

"Okay sweetie, that's a deal."

Waiting For The Sky To Give The Answers

2010-10-09T15:38:00.002+07:00

I wish letting go is easy. I wish letting people out of our life is easy. I wish this maddening coincidence would just stop. I wish the unanswerable questions can be answered. I wish the point of being alive is just happy but with little of sadness to appreciate our happiness. I wish the point of working hard is going to be repaid. I wish leaving someone is just as easy as loving someone. I wish getting back on our feet after falling into deep state is just as easy as we fall. I wish I have a cure to this thing that slowly killing me day by day. I wish I know how to stop being in grief. I wish I know how to stop being brutally sad. I wish my life would stop being a pain in the ass. I wish I could stop complaining. I wish the answer is as simple as one two three. I wish people know how hard it is to love someone that is just vaguely there. I wish people would understand how actually sensible it is to miss someone that only exists in your mind and your memories, but fade away in real life. I wish people know how to stop being so damn critical. I wish I know how to write things beautifully. I wish I know how to stop biting my nails. I wish I know how to understand this feeling. I wish my mother know the answer. I wish my dad know how to cure this. I wish I know how to let people to know this feeling of mine. I wish I know the meaning of things that are being presented to me over and over again. I wish someone would love me even if they know things about me. I wish people could show their real thoughts like the clothes they are wearing. I wish people would stop bugging me with all those maddening things. I wish people know how to please me even just for a while. I wish people know that waiting for something that doesn't actually there is just like waiting for a train to the moon. I wish human personality isn't this complex. I wish I could live each day with smile plastered all over my face. I wish simple crying can wipe all of your memories and solve all of your problems. I wish I'm one of those girls who giggle all the time and know nothing but to shop and spend all of their dads' moneys. I wish I'm one of those girls who study very hard and got straight A's all the time. I wish I'm one of those talented girls who can paint, play instruments, who only think about art things. I wish I could be one of those performers that only think about their performances. I wish I could be in love with the right person and the right time and the person that will always be there for me. I wish people would just let me move to Sweden. I wish I could stop complaining.

[whateveryou]

Keeping It In The Family

2010-09-27T19:52:00.000+07:00

"It is believed that memories are also recorded in the genes. Not only your memories, but your ancestors, too."

"So it is possible that I feel very sad about a person that left, but I don't know the existence of this person, is actually my ancestor's memories? So... the person who left didn't left me, but left my ancestor?"

he nodded. "Just like my brother's case. He had the same exact experience with my grandpa."

"Wow..."

"Yeah, that's why we tend to do the same mistake that our ancestors made."

"Wow... well, my aunt said that I looked like my grandma's grandma, or something like that. So maybe it is like that? That my memory is similar to my ancestor's."

"Could be... but for all I know, there is no open-for-public research for this, so it is possible it is another conspiracy theory."

it is a theory from my friend. so the person who left me wasn't really left me, but left my ancestor. I've already thought about this concept, but never really think about it any further because the lack of information and the lack of research. However, when he told me about this, it made me rethink about it. is it possible? but who left my ancestor? and why the memories of this person who left is planted in my memory? Why not my dad's? Or someone else from our family, there must be lots of other candidates from our family, why me? Because we look the same? Or is it because I'm going to experience the same event like hers? Life is killing me slowly, day by day.

[goodbyestockholm]

Living Paradox

2010-09-24T23:08:00.001+07:00

"Di dalam hujan, ada lagu yang hanya bisa didengar oleh mereka yang rindu"

dikutip dari post terselubung. sesuatu yang menurut saya bener, nyata. mungkin menurut orang lain hal seperti hanyalah bunch of bollocks, tapi menurut saya, di dalam hujan ada lagu yang buat saya kangen. kangen siapa? nggak tau hahahha.
mungkin bodoh. atau tolol. dua duanya mungkin. kangen sama seseorang yang kita gatau siapa. kangen sama seseorang yang belum tentu inget saya. hal ini mungkin juga dapat sangat diterima di mata orang-orang. orang-orang yang kesepian atau juga orang-orang yang udah ngga punya akal lagi, salah satunya orang yang sedang jatuh cinta, desperately.
secara psikologis mungkin hujan membuat mereka yang kesepian dan mereka yang rindu, sepertis aya, merasa ada yang kurang, tetapi pada saat yang sama seperti merasa lengkap. mungkin saya sering mengartikannya seperti pengetahuan seseorang yang menghilang, kita tau kalau mereka menghilang, tetapi kita tidak tahu kalau siapa yang menghilang. seperti merasa balik ke rumah, balik ke tempat awal, ke sanctuary yang selama ini telah hilang ditelan perih dan hiruk pikuk ibu kota, meskipun perasaan ketika kita berada di sanctuary itu sudah tidak sama lagi. dan seperti merasa beban berat yang selama ini kita pikul terangkat, meskipun kadang-kadang efeknya hanya sebentar, tetapi merasa seperti semu abeban dan semua kebingungan serta emosi hilang.
apalagi kalau kita merasakan air hujan turun dari langit, jatuh ke kepala kita. kemudian terus turun, turun dan terus terun. turun ke dahi, melepaskan semua kepenatan selama ini, kemudian ke hidung, menghirup ketenangan yang diberikan dalam hujan, kemudian ke bibir, melupakan segala hal yang ingin diucapkan dan akhirnya jatuh ke tanah. terbebas. sekali lagi. akhirnya merasa seperti sudah terbebaskan. tanpa beban.
hujan juga, menurut saya, untuk mengingat. mengingat memori terdahulu. yang mungkin tidak perlu kita ingat, namun teringat begitu saja, seperti ada yang menyelam ke dalam memori otak kita, menyelam ke kedalaman yang belum pernah kita lakukan ketika hujan tidak turun, menyelam ke dalam alam bawah sadar kita dan membuka sebuah pintu yang semestinya tidak pernah boleh dibuka, sebuah kotak yang berada jauh jauh di dalam otak kita. berisi memori, memori yang telah kita coba untuk lupakan. luka, tawa, tangis serta rasa sakit dan kebingungan yang amat dalam, serta kadang-kadang di dalam kasus saya, ironi. ketika rasa-rasa tersebut terbuka dari ruangan yang seharusnya tertutup di belakang sel penjara teraman di dunia, mereka mulai mengelilingi otak kita, berdansa dengan satu sama lain, menertawai kita ketika kita berada di dalam kesengsaraan. mencoba memengaruhi bagian lain di dalam diri kita; emosi dan terkadang kantong air mata. kita merasa gelisah, sedih, senang dan ingin sekali menangis disaat yang sama. dan juga sakit. sakit yang amat dalam padahal kita tahu yang menyebabkan sakit itu hanyalah alam di bawah sadar kita.
namun, seberapa besar kadang kita membenci hujan, atau hal-hal yang hujan bawa ke alam sadar kita dari alam bawah sadar kita, kita juga merasa rindu akan kehadiran hujan. kangen dengan rasa familiar yang hujan berikan. rasa aman dan nyaman. hujan adalah salah satu teman terbaik saya. teman yang menjaga rahasia saya. rahasia-rahasia yang hanya akan terbebas ketika hujan datang. rahasia-rahasia yang saya sendiri tidak tahu sebenernya isinya apa. memori-memori dan khayalan-khayalan bercambur menjadi satu, bikin kita ngga bisa membedakan antara realita dan fantasi.

oh ya... rindu.
rindu.
hujan mempunyai syair-syair dan nada-nada tertentu yang dapat memanggil kita untuk mendekat dan membuat kita mengingat kalau ada yang kita kangenin. mereka mungkin insignifikan tetapi, menurut beberapa cerita dan pengalaman yang saya dapat, semakin kita kangen sama seseorang, semakin kita sayang sama mereka. sayang dalam artian bebas, dalam artian luas. karena orang yang rindu pasti peduli, sedangkan orang yang peduli belum tentu rindu.

kangen itu hal yang umum, apalagi buat remaja, kayak saya, yang masih labil dan, mengutip kata yang sedang trend, "galau". kangen yang tidak umum ya...seperti saya. kangen sama seseorang yang sudah saya judge sebagai orang yang jauh dan tidak sayang sama saya, soalnya dia pergi gitu aja ngga bilang-bilang, padahal saya tidak tahu dia itu siapa, tinggalnya dimana, mukanya seperti apa serta kepribadiannya bagaimana. saya hanya tahu kalo saya bener-bener kangen sama orang ini. orng yang saya selalu bilang, terlihat di post-post saya sebelumnya, kalau dia itu seseorang yang telah "pergi". mungkin ini hanya fantasi belaka, atau mungkin ini malah bisa jadi kenyataan yang saya coba untuk lupakan, cuma... ada yang janggal. ada sebuah lubang yang kosong, lubang yang aneh yang sepertinya saya sendiri yang buat. tapi mungkin... hanya permainan pikiran belaka. mungkin. coba saya punya jawabannya, saya ngga akan menghabiskan jumat malam saya mengetik di depan laptop, tentang perasaan saya, saya akan tidur di tempat tidur dengan selimut saya yang hangat dan bantal saya yang empuk. hal yang kayak cewek normal lakuin, tapi apa yang saya bisa lakukan? saya bukan tipe cewek normal atau Mary Sue, saya bukan tipe cewek tipikal, bukan cewek yang kalian bisa jumpai dimana-mana, mengenakan pakaian atau trend terbaru.
saya bukan pengikut, apalagi pengikut trend. saya diajarkan oleh keluarga saya, terutama sepupu-sepupu gila saya, yang sekarang mungkin sedang party atau sedang pacaran, kalau hidup itu terlalu sia-sia untuk menjadi orang normal dan saya diajarkan kalau menjadi orang normal itu... abnormal. karena kita berusaha menjadi seseorang yang bisa ditemui dimana saja kapan saja, padahal menjadi abnormal itu lebih seru, mempunyai jati diri. tahu apa yang saya inginkan dan menjadi cewek berbeda itu seru. tidak gampang dicari dan tidak banyak di dunia. "Be yourself, everyone else is taken."

Rain - Alphawezen

Fit To a T

2010-09-21T23:39:00.000+07:00

"Most girls, as they grow up find out who they are and what they want in life, create this list of attributes they want their "ideal man" to have. And after a while, you begin to think that this person you've created doesn't exist. And then someone comes along and they fit your list to a T, and restores hope in the fact that those people - that person - exists"
beyondtheentwash at tumblr.

that is Chris Eccleston to me.

Guns, Roses and Hearts.

2010-08-28T09:30:00.000+07:00

my drawings aren't good. my drawings are plain. actually, it was plain enough to show that there are no intentions lie behind every scratch and every lines and every points. simple. my drawings are one of the most honest-to-God things that I made. no veils. no secrets.

the gun with rose: I was under state of confusion and under illusions of control. I was currently watching a movie with lots of action sequences. so an idea came through my head. at first I only made gun with massive details, but then, it looked so plain, so I drew a rose, though it looks nothing like a rose. there's Beatle's song title on the upper left side, Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

the heart:

"One's heart shall be treated as kings and queens, as a diamond, because they are as soft as a dove's feather and as beautiful as the sun" -- Adrian.

Paint It Black.

2010-08-27T22:49:00.002+07:00

I keep drawing things.

drawing things that I don't even know why I draw them.

maybe sadness.

maybe loneliness.

maybe because all of those unexplainable things that even I can't imagine how to find the simplest description of those things.

I drew girl that cried.

I drew two hands that were holding iPhones, male hand and female hand, that have tattoos.

I drew a doughnut. yes, weird. doughnut.

I drew men who played bass.

I drew skull with spine.

I drew gun with rose behind it.

I drew heart. human heart.

I drew two hands. again. one was in the air, wanted to shake the other's hand. the other was gesturing that the person didn't want to shake the one's hand.

there are words within those drawings. that I want to utter. words that came through my head. words that I like to be in the drawings. words that built the drawings. those writing may seem weird. may seem awkward. but those words are currently words that represent me the most. I love writing while drawing. I love questioning while drawing.

questions about the people that left. questions about people that leave nothing but vague memories. questions. questions. questions. I can't stand this. I'm one of those girls who think logically, so I'm one of those girls who need explanations, too. its like you know a good book, you've seen it a lot of times, but you just can't seem to touch it, you just can't read it, you just can't open it. because it is locked. behind bars. behind high ceilings. behind trapped doors. behind everything. the book's friend is only the darkness. waiting to be opened for someone that brave enough to dig it, I just don't understand how to dig it. how to safe myself but at the same time read the book. gain the knowledge. how to safely understand things.

the photo above is mine. pictures with stories behind my drawings coming up next.

For Those.

2010-08-19T21:55:00.001+07:00

Leaving Blues -- Bombay Bicycle Club

For those who made wrong decisions under heavy burdens:

have you ever thought about the others?

For those who never think the consequences of their actions:

how can you still be alive?

For those who are still in love with the one that had gone away:

how could you even breath?

For those who are still hurt because of someone that got away:

how could you survive all of these years?

For those who don't bite their lips when they see something sad about the person that got away:

could you please teach me how?

For those who are in love with the idea of something that isn't real:

is there any reverse button?

For those who left and never got back:

why?

[Acid III]

Non-exquisite Words

2010-08-13T22:22:00.000+07:00

I would never understand why people leave. why people aren't with each other. why people don't want to be with each other. why people have to leave. why people have to be apart with each other. why people don't get the idea of being lonely is never good enough. why people are so greedy. I don't understand why people choose to leave and can't think of any reasons to stay. why they eventually forget about the other. why they usually end up alone.

I don't understand why people don't take chances. why people don't understand the idea of being alone and loneliness itself are the ultimate poverty. why people couldn't just understand that they would at some point wake up and the feeling loneliness strikes through them. why people couldn't just stick with that someone that would fill their world with happiness within those dark points. why people think that they could be alone or suffer loneliness. why people don't want to share. why people don't see their future with anyone else. why people could stand just being alone.

part of me wandering. part of me wondering. part of me listening. part of me sinking in.

am I the only one that feel this way?

[ale_kojic]